The Kommisar’s in town, whoa, whoa, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, no I di . . .’nt

Notre Dame is 0-4, their worst start in history. In fact, they are so behind in their conference, for Notre Dame to get any more behind they’d have to be a priest.

Yeah, right, Akmed

Speaking at Columbia, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran; yeah, right, and I suppose his beard and hair achieved that fierce ebony sheen all by themselves. Get over yourself, Moody-kins.

Speaking at Columbia, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran; oh, right, and I suppose those fabulous Arabian tapestries just get tastefully hung all by themselves. Stoop it, you silly Moud-Moud.

Speaking at Columbia, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran; Mahmoud then excused himself and went into the men’s room and started tapping his foot.

Buh bye, Barry

The San Francisco Giants announced they are not re-signing Barry Bonds. Bonds is just too expensive, not his salary, it’s the rising costs of pharmaceuticals.
And they can’t find a hat that is big enough to fit.

So sad

In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. Marceau revived the art of mime and had a more famous career than his brother Murray Marceau. Murray was a great mime but, tragically, Murray developed a career ending illness for a mime: Tourette’s syndrome

Innovative guy

In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. Marceau revived the art of mime and, as a result, he perfected forced applause, stifled yawns and he initiated the popular phrase; “Mommy, why can’t the scary clown talk?”

Since you asked:

How about these baseball playoffs Baseball purists may not like it, but thank god for the wild card. My three favorite teams are fighting for their lives, my beloved Cubbies, my adopted-when-I-can’t-watch-the-Cubs Padres and my favorite AFL team (American League) the Boston Red Sox.

When a big game is on I like to observe my favorite new style of dinning: appetizers and snacks with style. Pop the cork on a tasty red wine and set out a bowl of pistachios in the shell, Greek olives, olive oil and balsamic marinated carrot slices, grapes, apple slices, cheese and crackers and salami. Usually I grill one thing that is really easy like shrimp or beer boiled brats. And Bob is your g*damn, frickin’, no-good, lousy Uncle. We just nosh, nosh, nosh like widdle bunnies.

Speaking of salami, that reminds me of one of my favorite homophobic dirty jokes:

Flamingly gay guy flits and skips into an old fashioned New York neighborhood butcher shop complete with a big strong hairy guy behind the counter and hisses:

“Two pounds of Pepperoni, and make it sssnappy, SSSlappy.”

Rolling his eyes, the butcher asks;

“Youse want it sliced?.”

The gay guy frowns, flounces and spits out:

“What do you think my assss isss, a piggy bank?”


(Polite applause)

What? What? What? It ain’t nothing but a thang, thang, thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This may be over the line
Speaking at Columbia, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran; yeah right, what about Ahamdinejad’s male prostitute cousin, Ahmadidablowjob?

Metamucil Sunrise
The Eagles are coming out with a new album. You can tell they’re getting a little older, it’s a sequel to “Hotel California” titled “Assisted Care Facility California.”

It depends where the brains are
In medical news, an Australian became the first man to remain conscience and talk during brain surgery; if you don’t count the time Tom Arnold yammered all through his procedure to remove rectal polyps.

Police in Alabama arrested a 62-year-old grandmother for prostitution; She was arrested working a convention for fans of “Murder She Wrote.”

Or something like that
“Twenty Four” star Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for a DUI. His blood alcohol was so high they are going to call his show “Point Twenty Four.”

We rockin’ the funizzy up this humpy dizzy, Torn Slattern and Nugget Rancher

Scary
The New England Patriots destroyed their third straight opponent and look to go undefeated. In fact, I haven’t heard a team described as this scary since the Los Angeles Archdiocese Priest softball team played the Alter boys.

Anti-climax
This was an exciting week three in the NFL. Well, except for the New England Patriots. They had already seen the hidden tape of them beating the Buffalo Bills 38-7 on Friday, so they knew.

Gotta admit
In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. On the bright side, you gotta admit this is one guy who has prepared his entire life to be in a box.

There is a first for everything
In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. This also marks the first time the words mime, died and sad have been used together.

In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. You know what his last words were?

In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. In France, Marceau was given a 21-gun salute which, upon hearing the shots, the firing party immediately dropped their rifles and surrendered to itself.

In sad news, French mime Marcel Marceau died at 84. In his honor he was given a moment of annoying silence.

Nice job, Reeg
“Regis and Kelly” host and Notre Dame alum, Regis Philbin addressed the Notre Dame football pep rally Friday prior to Notre Dame going out Saturday and losing their fourth straight game. So much for win one for the quipper.

Who knew?
Jessica Simpson is dumping her base pop fans to go country, OJ Simpson faces prison for stealing his memorabilia; A student named Star Simpson walked into an Airport with a fake bomb on her chest. Who could have guessed the smartest person named Simpson would end up to be Homer?

As they call it
A study reveals that pilots who took a 26 minute nap had dramatic improved performance and alertness. Or as the pilots call those naps: passing out drunk.

Now that’s bad
The Chicago Bears lost to the Dallas Cowboys, 34-10 largely due to three interceptions by their QB, Rex Grossman. Grossman’s performance could only have been worse if he stripped down to a sequined black bikini and stumbled through a bad lip-syncing performance.

You snooze, you loose
Health experts continue to tout the benefits of a midday nap. They do suggest, however, that you do not take that nap in the middle of playing a football game like Notre Dame.

Pretty fat
A report reveals that 33,000 people a year are treated in the emergency room for injuries sustained from shopping carts. How fat are we getting when people are hurting and straining themselves pushing their groceries?