Friday, April 11, 2014

New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, vetoes a minimum wage increase saying it is "Too much too soon." Coincidentally, "Too much, too soon" was the reason Christie was kicked out of the Red Lobster "All you can eat shrimp buffet." 

Fisherman in the Baltic found a message in a bottle that is 100 years old. It read; “Now that the Cubs have built beautiful Wrigley Field, I bet they win a ton of World Series.”

Heard this great story from great comedian and comedy writer, Carol Leifer, in her new book "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying."

Carol was the lone female writer on "Seinfeld" When people ask what Jerry is like, she makes sure they know he is not just a nice guy, he is a "mensch". That is yiddish for a nice guy on steroids.

One day she gets a call her Long Island father fell and hit his head. Not only that, but he was out of it. Carol was told the next 24 was crucial. So Jerry offers to fly her out with him on his private jet from LA to Long Island for a couple of days. Next day they get in the plane and munch on amazing  lox and bagels and champagne.

She rushes to the hospital and, much to her relief, her father is totally lucid. Yes, stiches and scrapes, but his mind is fine. 

The next day she goes to see how he is before flying back to L.A. and the nurse gives Carol bad news:

"It seems like his dementia has returned. He keeps insisting his daughter flew out here on a private jet with Jerry Seinfeld and they ate bagels and drank champagne at 30,000 feet. We may have to keep him an extra day or so." 

Got my office professionally cleaned while I was out buying wine. Feel like one of those Hollywood producers who takes a steam, gets a massage and pedicure while his car is getting detailed and his clothes are getting pressed. Then gets on the phone with his wife to complain about how hard his day is so she needs to book their table at Dan Tana's. 

Dan Tana's

Why is it always a BMW? 
(Sorry, Mark Snake) 

There is a picture of surfing legend, Kelly Slater, surfing in Australia right next to a shark in the wave he is riding; in fact, if Slater continues to work that closely with sharks, he will need to get his law degree.

A Houston jury has convicted a woman for killing her boyfriend with a 5 ½ inch stiletto heel. This type of heinous crime comes as a shock to nobody who has witnessed a women’s shoe sale.

The CIA admitted to blasting Red Hot Chili Pepper songs to torture terrorist prisoners. They were going to use Justin Bieber’s songs, but the United Nations deemed that cruel and unusual punishment.

UConn beat Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball championship, but there are reposts of UConn students rioting. Well, it's Connecticut, so not really rioting, but they were bursting into Starbucks and stealing people's drinks. 

Texas Ranger, Josh Hamilton, is out 8 weeks with a torn thumb after diving head-first into first base. Diving head-first into first is the second dumbest thing you can do in all of sports. The first being signing a long-term contract with the New York Mets. 

Things that have to change right now
No dweebs calling in rule infractions at golf tournaments. That is why the Masters has no Tiger this year - in my opinion.
No soliciting in or out of grocery stores.
No more mobile monuments to human trash and bad parenting that are those grocery carts with the giant plastic car in front.
No more Instant Replay officials taking so damn long. Just call someone who is watching the replay on TV.
No more sliding into first base. If it was faster Olympic sprinters would do it.
Enough with the kale.
If on Facebook, you’re the political rant person, or the motivational sayings person or the look-at-my-meal person or the vacation-bragging person, or cat video person or the dancing grandma person, stop it. Stop it now. (Endless postings of my cute pictures of my puppy Wally? They can continue unabated)
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are the last band that look like they’re made up of the cool kids in high school. And they’re in the RR Hall of Fame. Less hipster dweeb bands, more cool kid bands.
Time Warner. There has to be someone who can correct the endless misdialing of a channel. You type in three numbers and it only reads two. Ten times in a row. Don’t any of you Time Warner a-holes actually watch it?
Love Jimmy Fallon, but we have to have him book a guest he flat out doesn’t like (maybe Bruce Jenner) instead of the endless stream of guests he loves, they are so great, so talented, so nice, so funny, so cool, we love this person. Did I mention we love this person?
Texting and talking on a hand-held iPhone is still illegal, right? How about giving someone a ticket who does it for once?
People who think people who honk at them when they don’t go at green lights are rude? It is because your head is down and you are typing a text or dialing a phone with no idea the light has changed. Used to give these selfish douches three seconds before the horn- tap, now it is just down to two seconds. Was riding shotgun with a soccer mom. We were at the light, it changed, she had her head down and was texting. The car in back of us briefly honked for her to go, she looks in the rear view mirror right as the light is changing yellow and says;

“Uh, people are just soooooo rude.”

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

That right there is a boom shackalacky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancheers

A Houston jury has convicted a woman for killing her boyfriend with a 5 ½ inch stiletto heel. If she was hitting him with her shoe, she must have been hopping mad.
Neighbors had heard them fighting before so they knew there was trouble afoot.
She is a shoe-in for a life sentence.

She was convicted of murder in the first degree and failing to match her shoe with her purse.

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Stay hungry, stay foolish, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The annual charity hockey game between the New York Fire Department and the New York Police Department ended in a giant brawl. It also set a world record for the number of times the phrase; “You wanna piece ah me?” was spoken.

Rumor has it there was alcohol involved in the NYPD/NYFD hockey brawl. Duh, yeah. Kind of like there was water involved in the sinking of the Titanic. 

Louisiana’s Republican congressman, Lance McAllister, was caught on video making out with a woman staff member who is not his wife. He was a family values candidate, turns out the family was the Kardashians.

UConn beat Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball championship, but a Kentucky fan has no regrets about his Kentucky 2014 National Champions tattoo. He said it goes well with his President Mitt Romney tattoo and his Justin Bieber Nobel Prize tattoo.

A Vancouver pizza joint is selling a marijuana-infused pizza; It is pretty tasty. Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, gives it three crack pipes.

Pro-gun activists say school shootings would be prevented if teachers were armed. Well, the last two shootings took place at a military base and a police department. The only place with more guns than a military base and a police department is a Texas bridal shower.

Since you asked:

Despite progress that has resulted in many states legalizing gay marriage, the folks in the entertainment business seem to choose to stay in the closet, either for professional or personal reasons. Here is a list of some of the celebrities I will not be shocked if and when they come out of the closet. Not saying for sure they're in the closet, just saying I won't be surprised if they come out. 

Let’s start with the obvious.

Tom Cruise, Bruce Jenner, Kris Jenner, Ryan Seacrest and John Travolta, although I am pretty sure they are fairly well out.

Erin Andrews. The jaw.

Whoopy Goldberg. Come on.

Hugh Jackman. Sorry, women, just too good looking, too good a singer and a dancer not to have a gay man hidden in there somewhere.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Sarah Jessica Parker. For JGL, see the Hugh Jackman explanation. I’m a big JGL fan, but come on. Too much talent and good looks. SJP? All three -named stars are subject. Sara also has the jaw.  And speaking of the three name rule:

Mary Louise Parker. This may be a stretch.

Jennifer Anniston. It is my list. Just a hunch. Bit of the jaw.

Khloe Kardashian. Why wouldn’t she be?

“Parks and Recreation” Adam Scott. I’m a big, big fan, but the gaydar is beeping like Road Runner getting hate-raped by Wiley the C.

Brody Jenner. Apple. Tree. Didn’t roll.

Zac Effron. Come on, that whole “transient attacking him” thing is a huge red flag.

Vin Diesel. Many, many rumors. Think the Rock. OK, he's straight. Now think Vin. Not so much . . . 

Kristen Stewart. Again, the jaw, a hunch.

Taylor Swift. When it comes to her relationships with men, me thinketh she tries way too hardeth.

Will Smith. If there is flaming where there is smoke, than this guy is smokier than Snoop Dog’s tour bus.

Alyson Hannigan. (Lily from "How I met Your Mother) Just a hunch.

James Franco. Columbia students swear they saw him at a party making out with a dude. Makes the whole “hitting on a 17-yer-old girl on Instagram” a fishy beard.

Matthew McConaughey. If going left is being straight than Matt might be headed “all right, all right, all right.”

P.S. I hate UConn. No lie, four of the biggest tools I have ever met all went to UConn. And they are beyond-obnoxious UConn fans. Cannot be a coincidence. 

Saw "Jobs" again last night. Not sure why, but I am blown away the guy had almost no engineering or computer science education. Steve Wozniak wrote almost all of the software for Apple I, Apple II and the Macintosh. 

It reminds me of when I heard Keith Richards and Jimi Hendrix can't write or read music. 

The other thing is Jobs bashed heads and was so closely associated with Bill Gates and IBM, I just assumed he was a computer guru as well. He was an idea guru. 

Here is a good example of Jobs's genius. He had the vision to study and learn calligraphy. So when it came time to make a word processor, he insisted on different fonts. It was up to his engineers to make it happen, he just said he wanted them on his printer. 

Other people just did not question the things he questioned. Why isn't the keyboard separate? Why aren't the speakers in the computer?