Friday, April 01, 2005

Get your weekend on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A dog by any other name

A Chinese man has trained his dog to walk on his hind legs for five miles. Or as they call that dog in China: A Moveable Feast.

Cuddle up

The question of Michael Jackson cuddling with his accusor came up at the trial. That proves it. Now we know Michael Jackson isn’t a male anymore: He likes to cuddle.

And they caught Miss Deaf Wisconsin with an iPod
The winner of Wisconsin’s Ms. Wheel chair lost her title because a newspaper photo shows her standing up. You think she’s upset about losing her title? Wait until you see all her retroactive tickets for parking in the handicap spot.

Cluck and pluck
Sadly, chicken magnate Frank Perdue passed away. That’s too bad. This guy could really cut up a chicken. Why, it was poultry in motion.

Insult to injury
At a speech in Michigan, right winger Pat Buchanon was doused with salad dressing. You know what really upset the pro-military hawkish Buchanon? It was French dressing.
Use your imagination

The search is on for the owner of the missing Wendy’s chili finger. You know whose finger I think it is? (Picture of Homer Simpson and his four finger’d hand)

How do you not know if you lost a finger? Is there some Wendy employing wondering; “Why is it I can clip my fingernails so quickly lately? Oh my word, I just noticed, I’m missing a finger.”

The worst kind of shrinkage
A disgruntled former employee is accusing Lance Armstrong of using steroids. Maybe it’s just me, but if I only had one testicle left, the last thing I would take is something that would shrink it.

You know it’s just your foolish pride (Courtesy of Janice Hough)
Guitar legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Eric is getting older, now when he plays Layla he sings; “Layla, you got me on my knees . . . and I can’t get up.”

Guitar legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Eric is getting older. Now he sings, “I shot the sheriff . . . or was it the deputy? I can’t seem to remember.”

Not very Fonda her
Jane Fonda told “Sixty Minutes” that she had participated in threesomes in her first marriage. That’s nothing. When she went to Hanoi in 1972, she screwed over 100,000 U.S. soldiers.

A sure sign
“Sixty Minutes” claims Carolina Panther punter Todd Sauerbrun used steroids. They became suspicious when it was discovered that Sauerbrun’s kicking foot was as big as Barry Bonds’s head.

Who knew?
Ted Koppel announced he will retire as the host of “Nightline.” I am shocked. Koppel is still on “Nightline”?

That’s a lot of dogsA survey reveals that 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than their partner. This explains why Christine Aguilera has gone through more dogs than a Korean deli.

It just gets worse
More trouble for Wendy’s. You know that finger they found in the chili? It tested positive for steroids.
Hard to top
At the Michael Jackson trial, a flight attendant was asked if she saw Michael Jackson cuddling his accuser on a private plane; she said; “That depends on your definition of cuddling.” When asked what her definition of cuddling was, she said; “I’d have to show you.” When the prosecutor asked the judge if she could show him, the witnesses chair broke. At this time, I would like to now offer my comedy writing letter of resignation. It is clear I, nor anyone else, will ever top this.

At the Michael Jackson trial, a flight attendant was asked if she saw Michael Jackson cuddling his accuser on a private plane; she said; “That depends on your definition of cuddling.” You know what most guys definition of cuddling is? That split second of physical contact after sex and before they fall asleep.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

This playa what done be the playa playin' hurt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s Spring Break. Or as it as also known: Spring “I hope the condom doesn’t” Break.

We're moving out
President Bush is going to ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. That means all U.S. Citizens, pack your bags; we’re trading places with Mexico.

Must Not See TV
“The Apprentice’s” Omarossa and Jose Conseco are going to be in a reality show. I think it’s called “The Bitch and the Snitch.”

Bless Bush's heart
President Bush’s approval rating is down to 45%. Or as Bush calls 45%, a big number followed by that O-slash-O-thingy.

A dog that good . . .
A Chinese man has trained his dog to walk on his hind legs for five miles. Well, he didn’t actually have to train the dog to walk on his hind legs, he’d eaten the dog’s front legs.

Let's face facts
A survey in “Cosmopolitan” revealed that 65% of men said they would sleep with a woman they’re not dating. The other 35% said they would sleep with a woman they’re not even vaguely familiar with.

Burger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. Their slogan? “Nothing starts your day like a coronary embolism.”

Not many left
Carl’s Jr. has a 1,400 calorie monster burger. This is for those few people who actually survived Burger King’s enormous omelet sandwich.

Spin doctors
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. Wendy’s is trying to put a positive spin on it. Their new slogan is: “We can keep the price of your meal down to one digit.”

The finger-in-Wendy’s-chili story pretty much disproves the theory that there is no such thing as bad publicity.

E.C. will always be my boy
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Clapton is getting older. Have you heard Clapton’s revised version of “Cocaine”? It’s now called “Rogaine.”

The Los Angeles Lakers finally snapped an eight game losing streak. Or as the New Orleans Hornets call an eight game losing streak: A road trip.

Tell me you didn't see this one coming
In Malibu, road workers discovered a severed human foot. Or as Wendy’s calls it: “Today’s Special.”

Ten second rule
“Cosmopolitan” magazine claims a man can get a woman to orgasm in ten seconds. All the guy has to do is say; “Hey, is that Brad Pitt?”

Miss Understanding
On “Oprah” Lisa Marie Presley said she did consummate her marriage with Michael Jackson. Turns out she really said they consommé’d their marriage, yeah, they had soup together.

I hate that
Don’t you hate those sneaky office thieves that steal food? Today, I went to our coffee room refrigerator and discovered that somebody ate the finger out of my bowl of Wendy’s chili.

At this point
A presidential panel determined that U.S. intelligence was “dead wrong” on weapons of mass destruction. Can we still call it U.S. Intelligence at this point? Shouldn’t it be U.S. Uninformed Wild Guesses?

If he's not real careful
A judge ruled that rap mogul Suge Knight has to pay $107 million for reneging on a business deal. Suge Knight has been to prison for assault, weapons violations and breaking the terms of his parole. In fact, if he’s not careful, Suge could actually give rap music a bad reputation.

At this rate Assist Janice Hough
The Washington Nationals will play their first game ever. Everyone in Washington is excited, the Nationals are the old Montreal Expos, and, what with the exchange rate, the Nationals should only suck .825685 % as much as the Expos did.

Since you asked:
Not sure what atrocity I committed – probably one of my Michael Jackson jokes – but, due to divine retribution, the big, big, big guy upstairs has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to turn me into a human nose blowing machine.

Like those British soldiers fighting off the countless waves Zulu warriors, I’ve been nobly fighting off a cold for a week. So what did I do yesterday? Worked out real hard, so that I was soaked with sweat, and then walked home from the gym just as the sun set, the temperature dropped and the wind picked up.

As Tom Hank’s Forrest Gump once said; “I’m not a smart man.”

As you all know, Slats and Nuggies, I’m nothing if not a cautious optimist, so I like to look at the bright side of a cold. It gives us time to reflect on what ingrate whiners we are for not appreciating how good we feel when we don’t have a cold.

Let’s give –as the kids say – a shout out to our youngest and mostest bestest buddy, a.L.b.B. reader little Julia Woods. Julia said she doesn’t get a lot of these jokes. (tear-of-pride-wipe) They grow up to be so smart so fast. Rock on, Who-lia, and whatever you do, do NOT do anything your Dad tells you to do. Do you hear me, young lady?

(Polite applause)

Let’s answer one reader letter.

Dear Lex;

Is it possible to die from a cold?

Just wondering.

Dr. Ruth

Dear Dr. Ruth;

No, it is not possible to die from a common cold. But it is possible to die from listening to me complain about having a cold.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Shake it like a salt shaker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Just what we needed

Burger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. And that doesn’t even count the fat and calories if you find a finger in it.

Chili Con Barney
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. Wendy’s is trying to put a good spin on this. They are advertising that they now have digital chili.

The woman was quite upset. She’s been trying to stop her bad habit of biting off fingernails.

That would do it
“Cosmopolitan” magazine claims a guy can get a woman to orgasm in ten seconds. Ten seconds? Yeah, it’s called a gift box from Tiffany’s.

Nahh, don’t worry about it
A Church of England bishop says Prince Charles should apologize to Camilla's ex-husband for breaking up their marriage. To which Camilla’s ex-husband said; “You know what? That’s OK. I’m good, really. You go, Chuck.”

Yes, that is a crime
A woman in Portland drove her SUV off a 60 ft bridge and to the bottom a river. She’s OK, but she was promptly arrested for impersonating the Los Angles Lakers.

So mean
In Hollywood they are casting for “Wonder Woman.” They should cast Camilla Parker Bowles, she'd make a great Wonder Woman: everyone wonders if she’s a woman.

Sure sign
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is pregnant. You know why they think that? Britney has switched to non-alcoholic Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Slow hand
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 today. He’s getting up there. Now Eric turns on his amplifier with The Clapper.

Look for Clapton’s new single: “You punks get off my lawn.”

Not a good sign
In Texas, a former top Boy Scout official was arrested for having child porn on his computer. Authorities became suspicious when the Scout leader issued a Michael Jackson merit badge.

Speaking of the Lakers
The Los Angeles Lakers finally snapped an eight game losing streak. Kobe Bryant was so excited he nearly traded himself to the Miami Heat.

Who writes this stuff?
“Men’s Health” magazine says that guys should give their women licorice to get them in the mood. In the mood for what? Skipping rope? Playing jacks? Hide-and-go-seek?

Right to the end
Sadly, Johnny Cochran passed away. His family issued a statement: “In lieu of sending flowers, pay us $500 bucks an hour.”

New version of the Jets vs. The Sharks
Crime is down in New York City. Now the New York cops spend most of their time in Central Park breaking up fights between the squirrels and the rats.

Slow hand II
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 today. You can tell Clapton’s getting older. After his last concert he muttered; “That’s not music, that’s noise.”

Get the rim shots ready
In Malibu, authorities discovered a severed human foot. They said the foot belonged to a male Caucasian who is most likely hopping mad.

They are trying to find the rest of the victim but right now they don’t have a leg to stand on.

Upon hearing of this, the manager of the Malibu Wendy’s started the bidding for the foot at five dollars.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

We’re all about the all about all about here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Finger food

In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. That’s not the worst of it. The finger had a really nasty hang-nail.

It is no fun finding a finger where it doesn’t belong. Take it from any guy that has had a prostate exam.

Wendy’s is trying to put a good spin on this. They are advertising that they now have digital chili.

That makes more sense
After four years the Backstreet Boys are going on tour. The tour is sponsored by Dominoes Pizza. Wait, no, I’m sorry, the Backstreet Boys will be working at Dominoes after the tour. That’s it.

Not a good idea
They have discovered soft tissue and blood of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and now scientists say could clone the T-Rex. Excuse me, but am I the only one who remembers what happened in both “Jurassic Park” movies?

It adds up
“Blender” magazine says the average person spends 3 years in the bathroom. Unless you have 75 porno magazines, like Michael Jackson, then it’s up to 10 years in the bathroom.

The Robert Blake jury is demanding an apology for being called stupid. They’re right, stupid is not fair. Incompetent, inept, unintelligent, that’s fine, but not stupid.

Robert Blake says he’s broke. How broke? Today Blake had to borrow money to hire someone to shoot his accountant.

We kid and love the beautiful Kirstie
Burger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. There are only four people in the world that could finish that sandwich. Two that aren’t named Michael Moore or Kirstie Alley.

That ain’t easy for a guy to get on
Yesterday, Fred Funk won the Players Championship. It was a windy day. The wind made the signature 17th island green hard for the guys to get on. In fact, that green was harder for the guys to get on then Ellen DeGeneris.

Oh, now it’s just getting mean
A California scientist has cured mice of their cat allergies. Is it necessary to cure mice of their cat allergies? That’s like curing a ham of its fear of Kirstie Alley.

Is this really necessary? Are there a lot of mice out there that want to cuddle with a cat?

Leave her alone
CBS “The Early Show” revealed the new Optimal diet, the Polish fat diet. It recommends three times the normal amount of fat, 250 grams of fat a day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls 250 grams of fat: a midnight snack.

That is sooo mean
The Anchorage Alaska zoo has installed a huge treadmill in order to get their overweight elephant, Maggie, to lose weight. Maggie weighs 9,000 pounds and needs to lose a thousand pounds, or in other words about one Kirstie Ally.

Finally, not a Kirstie joke
In Michigan, a 12-year-old boy sat in the lap of a man in an Easter Bunny costume and then, unprovoked, the boy began to pummel the guy in the bunny suit. How angry are we getting when a child punches the Easter Bunny? What’s next? Santa Claus elder abuse?

Since you asked:
There are two kinds of people: people who are good with names, and people who are good with faces. If you’re one you’re probably not the other. As I am extremely good with faces – I once spotted a guy in Boston whom I hadn’t seen since we were in second grade together – that means I am horrible with names. Really horrible.

A lot of people confuse my name, Alex, with Eric, either because they sound the same or I look like an Eric or both. Either way, I get Eric a lot.

Knowing that I am weak at names, when it starts to become embarrassing, I make a concerted effort to remember someone’s name, and, just like that, their name is forever lodged in my head. It’s easy, you just take one brief moment to make a game out of the name and it sticks.

For example, there was a woman at my gym that always tied up her dog outside. The dog’s name I could remember, but I couldn’t remember her name so that was embarrassing. The dog’s name was Bella, and the woman’s name was Ellen. Then I thought, take the B off Bella, and you got the start of Ella which is almost Ellen. It worked. The dog had made a much bigger impression, but at least now I knew her name.

So now I know her name, but Ellen couldn’t remember my name to save her life. That’s fine, I thought. The only reason I was even friendly to Ellen was because her dog was a cute yellow Labrador, like my dog, Kasey. (Incidentally, she always remembered Kasey’s name) For a while I would say “Hello Ellen,” just to remind her I knew her name and she didn’t know mine, but usually I would be nice and let her off the hook and not say her name so she didn’t feel bad.

But then, after a good solid two months of this, Ellen started to make a big deal out of not being able to remember my name and that became deeply irritating. If she had put half the effort into remembering my name instead of talking about why she couldn’t remember it, she would have remembered my name. After that I felt free to rub it in:

“Hello Ellen. How are you, Ellen? Ellen, are you having a good day? Well, Ellen, it was good to talk to you. Have a good workout, Ellen.”

She would look at me uncomprehendingly like a cow at a passing train. She simply could not remember my name. And then, one day, she became exasperated:

“I can’t understand it,” she complained, “Why can’t I remember your name? What is it again?” Now, somewhat testily I have to admit, I reminded her, “Alex” for about the fifteenth time. Then she began to dig herself even deeper:

“That’s so weird, I really like the name Alex, it’s a good name. I guess you just don’t look anything like an Alex to me. That must be it.”

What an idiot. She just insulted me to my face, so when she asked, once again, why she couldn’t remember my name, I let her have it with both guns;

“You know why you can’t remember my name, Ellen? Because you couldn’t care less. If remembering my name had any benefit to you at all, you’d have taken a slight effort about two months ago, but you clearly don’t give a sh#t. I promise, if you got $5 bucks to remember my name, you would remember.”

As a name forgetter, this lecture made me a world class hypocrite, but, it had become insulting and it felt good. Well, my lecture must have worked because the next time I saw Ellen, she ran up to me and proudly announced;

“After you practically yelled at me, now I remember your name. It’s Alex.”

“No,” I dead-panned, “It’s Eric.”

Sometimes it is really fun to be a total and utter d*ckhead.
It gonna do what it do when it do what it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Easter and Bunny Day
Hope you had a nice Easter. Me? I spent mine, as usual, in quiet reflection tying to figure out the connection between a major religious holiday and a massive bunny hiding colored eggs.

Hate to see that
There was an awkward moment during the White House Easter Egg hunt. One child proudly announced he found a chocolate bunny. When informed no chocolate bunnies were hidden, Barney the first dog was quickly escorted off the White House lawn.

Actors can’t get away with everything
Tom Sizemore has been sentenced to 17 months in jail for violating probation by failing seven drug tests. When will these actors learn? They can’t get away with breaking the law unless, of course, they kill their wife.

Like teaching the French how to kiss
Colleges, like Colby College in Maine, are teaching 21-year-olds how to drink. They have classes where they drink wine and beer and they try to teach students how to drink responsibly. Is this necessary? “No, no, you’re holding the beer bong the wrong way, the funnel goes up.”

“Remember, guys, if your date is puking, it’s always polite to hold her hair.”

A boy in Australia had both hands and a foot reattached after a basketball injury. The kid lost his hands and a foot playing basketball? Apparently he was playing one on one against a wood chipper.

Watching the NCAA men’s basketball tournament I think we now need to officially proclaim that the players are no longer wearing what can be referred to as shorts. They are officially half pants half shorts so either we call them ports or shants.

Oh, that, no, come on, let’s not generalize
India is furious that the U.S. is going to sell F16 fighter jets to Pakistan. What’s the big deal? Pakistan is just going to convert the jets into turbo powered slurpy machines anyway.

Not a good sign
The Los Angeles Lakers are below .500% and are probably out of the playoffs. To show how bad it is, Jack Nicholson tried to give his courtside tickets away and Pauly Shore turned them down.

Big Sanguido
Burger King is making an omelet sandwich that is over 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. To show you how many calories that is, if you can eat an entire sandwich you have to change your name to Kirstie.

Let’s get it together
The two sides of the Terri Schiavo ordeal are nowhere close. The husband says she is brain dead and about to die, and her parents are practically booking her a spot to race in the Tour de France.

In hindsight
With the Los Angeles Lakers in shambles, many are questioning owner Dr. Jerry Buss’s decision to side with Kobe Bryant over everyone else. In fact, siding with Kobe is starting to make Custer’s decision that Sitting Bull was bluffing seem fairly insightful.

Is it just me?
They have discovered soft tissue and blood of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and now scientists say could clone the T-Rex. Excuse me, but am I the only one who remembers what happened in both “Jurassic Park” movies?

Since you asked:
All I needed to know about Sammy Sosa was that Mark Grace despised him. Mark Grace was the epitome of a team player, an unselfish baseball leader. When he could no longer stand to be around Sosa – a part of the reason he left for the Diamondbacks - we should have seen what was coming with Sammy the primma donna.

Remember how everybody loved Sammy Sosa during the epic home run race with Mark McGwire? At the Hillerich and Bradsby shareholder meeting I had a chance to ask the guy in charge of Major League Baseball contracts why Sammy didn’t exclusively use a Louisville Slugger. You could see the color run out of his face at the mention of Sosa’s name. Suffice it to say that this man would have rather negotiated with Saddam Hussein than Sammy Sosa.

When Mark Grace returned to Wrigley Field as a Diamondback, he was greeted with cheers. When Sammy Sosa returns to Wrigley as a Baltimore Oriole, he will be roundly booed. Both will have deserved what they got.