These right here are smokey jokes, 'cause these takes are just too damn hot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After the debate, Rand Paul is getting criticized for making a smug face when Chris Christie mentioned 9/11. And that critter on top of Rand’s head was giggling.

After the first GOP debate there is a debate on whether they can all these debates debates. They are more like the world’s worst open mike night at a bad comedy club.

Donald Trump’s top political strategist, Roger Stone, has quit Trump’s campaign. Stone invented Trump’s strategy: rant, bloviate and repeat.

Donald Trump’s top political strategist, Roger Stone, has quit Trump’s campaign amid rumors of campaign infighting in Trump’s camp. Apparently the losers and dogs can’t get along with the failures and pigs.

Whole Foods is selling a bottle of asparagus water, water with asparagus in it, for $6. Because anyone who has ever eaten asparagus knows how great asparagus makes things smell.

Whole Foods is selling a bottle of asparagus water, water with asparagus in it, for $6. This is the perfect gift for people who want to make their pee smell like pee that was made from condensed pee.

Donald Trump’s top political strategist, Roger Stone, has quit Trump’s campaign. And yet somehow Trump’s hairstylist has the courage to go on.

Since you asked, post debate version:

Nobody wants Donald Trump’s campaign to continue more than me. And not just as a comedy writer. Trump touches topics other real politicians cannot touch with a ten-foot pole including political correctness, campaign fundraising and immigration.

Let's be blunt, Donald Trump is entertaining as all hell. 

“Fox News” Greta Van Susteren thinks anyone who underestimates Trump’s chances to become president is making a mistake. Greta’s political opinions are as questionable as her plastic surgery choices.

Anyone who really thinks Trump has a chance to become president is either crazy, stupid or both. (Granted this is coming from the guy who said Madonna would never last)

The thing that will kill Trump sooner or later is not politics, it is not the right wing or the left wing. It is not democrats and republicans. What is going to kill Trump, like it has before, is the fact that he is a bully. And he is a liar.

Everybody hates a bully. Even bullies hate bullies. And Trump isn’t even a good bully.

From Edmund Muskie to Ross Perot, if you cannot run a campaign staff you cannot win an election. Trump’s advisors are making rats on the Titanic look loyal by comparison.

Everybody hates a bully. Everybody hates a liar.

In addition, with his bleeding/period comments insults at Megyn Kelly, Trump is a glaring example of somebody who isn’t funny who thinks they’re funny trying to be funny.

During the debate, Donald Trump said he bribed Hillary Clinton to be at his wedding. Not as much as he had to bribe his bride, Melania, but he bribed her.

A poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.

Favorite part of the debate last night was when that thing on Donald Trump’s head stood up and snarled at “Fox News’” Megyn Kelly.

Apparently Carly Fiorina was the winner of the first GOP debate. Which is like being the meth addict with the most teeth.

One of my favorite parts of the debate last night was, no matter what they asked Ohio Gov., John Kasich, his answer was he was on the last committee to balance the budget.

Insiders say Donald Trump’s campaign staff is bitterly divided. But typical Trump will sweep one side over to cover up the troubles of the other.  

No wonder people are more confused than ever.

This is a black woman

This is a white woman

And this is a man who claims he has never sexually attacked any black or white women

Drinking games for tonight’s GOP debate. One game is called Trump where you do a shot every time Trump says Trump. You’ll be Trump-faced in no time.

India has lifter its ban on Internet porn. India outsources their porn to Pakistan where it is older women reading out of a manual:  “Oh . . . baby . . . you are to be doing that to me in a repeated fashion.”

An ABC report claims dogs know when a person is dying and they comfort them. That explains why, after the debate, a German Shepard humped Rand Paul’s leg.

There was an awkward moment before the debate when the GOP candidates were told there would be a moderator, Trump said; “Why does there have to be a damn Mexican bull fighter?”

The debate could have gotten ugly. Chris Christie was going to accuse Donald Trump of having that thing on his head being from a dead lion’s mane.

Simon

The burger chain, In-N- Out, is being sued for allegedly putting meth in a milk shake. You could tell In-N-Out was catering to meth addicts. Their latest slogan is: 

“Food you can really sink your tooth into.”

The GOP candidates are preparing for their first debate. Donald Trump is giving his notes a comb-over, oh, sorry, a going-over.

A study claims the glamorous life of a frequent flyer is a lie. “Globe-hopping is harder than it sounds,” said Snoop Dog in his private jet as he sipped champagne in his gold bathtub filled with caviar.

The former executive producer of “The Cosby Show,” Tom Warner, said the show was “Kind of tarnished.” That’s like saying the Titanic got kind of wet.

Donald Trump fired his policy advisor for posting racist comments. That’s rough. You know how much Trump hates firing people.

(edgy warning)

Now a Pennsylvania gynecologist, Jan Seski, is being accused of illegally killing a lion in Zimbabwe. You’d think, if there is one occupation that wouldn’t want a giant stuffed pussy mounted on the wall, it would be a gynecologist.

They’re breaking ground in New York for the new National Comedy Center. They had to cancel their plans for the Bill Cosby Women’s Recreational Center.