Coke-snorting vampire, Eric Trump, at In-N-Out with a clear cup meant for water filled with lemonade. Because, when life gives you lemon orchards, steal lemonade. 

A company called Nadi makes smart fitness yoga pants that vibrate. They vibrate in three speeds: low, medium and “Who needs a man?” 

Eric Trump, was photographed in an In-N-Out Burger, but he had lemonade in the clear plastic cup provided for water. Because, when life gives you lemon orchards, steal the lemonade. 

In Australia a construction worker was in the Porta-potty and had to be hospitalized after being bitten on the penis by a poison spider. He was OK, but then, a few days later, it happened again. To which the spider said, “You’re not here to work, are you?”

Back on February 8th, Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a pussy. Knowing what we now know, it’s surprising Trump did not grab Cruz for his running mate. 

A study shows STD cases in the US are way up. They’re blaming this on an increase of bad hombres and nasty women.

Angry over Donald Trump’s crude comments, Joe Biden said he wishes they were in high school and he he could take Trump behind the gym. Did Joe Biden just threaten to make out with Donald Trump?

Donald Trump said he will only accept the election results if he wins. Trump’s the jerk who, when you win the first hand in poker, says, “That was just a practice round.”

A North Carolina judge, Arnold Jones, was convicted of trying to bribe a federal agent with two cases of Bud Light. He should go to jail. Not for bribery. For picking Bud Light. 

The Los Angeles Sparks beat the Minnesota Lynx 77-76 to win the WNBA Championship. That is truly amazing. There is still a WNBA?  

The Met Life blimp is getting rid of Snoopy. They’re telling people Snoopy is going to live on a farm, but we know he is making a one way trip to the vet. 

During the debate, Donald Trump said of illegal immigrants, “We have some bad hombres.” He sounded like a wild west sheriff. Next thing you know he’ll want to grab their posse.

Two of the most popular Halloween costumes this year? Bad Hombre and Nasty Woman. 

Russian hackers have shutdown Twitter, Spotify and Netflix among many others. Or as Trump calls the hackers from Russia: Chiiinaaa. 

Friday hackers shutdown Twitter, Spotify and Netflix among many others. It was so bad, many people finally agreed to play Candy Crush on Facebook with their Aunt.

The most popular dog names are Bella, Max, Lucy and Bailey. The least popular dog names are Zika, Isis, Billy and Bush.

Why did they dress up a Galapagos turtle in suspenders and put him in the stands behind the plate at Dodgers Stadium? Oops. Sorry. Larry King.

Walter Payton Kaseberg says: "Go, Cubs, Go."




Great Moments In US Presidential Debates

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: "I knew Jack Kennedy; Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.”

Al Gore: “George Bush taking credit for the Berlin Wall coming down is like the rooster taking credit for the sunrise.”


Ronald Reagan: “Ask yourself, are you better off than you were four years ago?”


Donald Trump: “No, you’re the puppet.” 

Tonight is the third and final presidential debate in Las Vegas. You can place a bet at 30-1 odds if Hillary uses the words grab and pussy together. 

A Hillary Clinton campaign bus - without Hillary on it - is accused of dumping raw sewage on a street in Georgia. It was almost as much sewage as Billy Bush and Donald Trump dumped inside their bus.

Since you asked:

At UCSB, I had a great debate teacher, Ms McMahon. (She wanted us to call her Sally) She taught us one of the questions you have to ask yourself in preparing for a debate is: what do I have to do to do better than simply not showing up?

In a political/election debate you can do far worse than not showing up. You can make things a lot worse. So you need to focus on exactly what not messing up is. That means not doing one or two things badly and getting one, two big points across. Maybe three, but no more. Nobody will remember more than three. 

This is why, in this debate, Trump is at an advantage. He has nothing to lose. The only voters Hillary has in her pants suit pocket are the relatively few liberal, die-hard Clinton lovers. Almost everyone else is a “I guess I will” or “I hate Trump” voter. If Hillary does anything that paints her as a screaming, wild-eyed liberal, she loses votes.

And she is not going to win-over the crazy die-hard Trump lovers. So damaging Trump further is not important. If it is even possible. 

Imagine being in a boxing match against a crazy person, but being told not to appear too mean or aggressive? Hillary has to defend herself without throwing any haymakers. 

So Trump has to pull all stops. He just has to swing wildly and hope to land a damaging punch. 

Lexervations:

Big fan of the Amy, but Schumer’s controversies-over-laughs ratio is getting up there. She wants to keep it way out of Rosie O’Donnell range. 

Why is it nobody can ever remember when they fall asleep?

  

Annoying word use alert. When did narrative and transparency take over for story and honesty? And when did agenda replace plan? When did backstory replace history? 

Got alleged Cubs fans ready to give up the ghost when it is just 2-1 in a seven game series. What the hell? Why?

“Son of Zorn” surprisingly funny. “This Is Us” and “West World” damn good with great casts. “The Good Place” Amazing cast. Starts slow, but grows on you. “The Voice.” Do not watch it if you are a sap like me and you do not want to get hooked. Great judges. Amazing talent. Goosebumps and tears. 

Terms we have to stop using: “Live on tape.” and “Based on a true story.” Those are as close to meaning nothing as a phrase can be. 

Why are ratings down over 11% for NFL games? Oh, I don’t know. How about how annoying it is to watch a ton of commercials followed by live features that are introduced as “The GEICO halftime update brought to you by Aflac”? And it has a Verizon logo in the background.  How about that?  Huh? 

And while we are on the subject of too many commercials, the only commercial I really want to see Peyton Manning in is one for a one-size-fits-all hat. That guy’s noggin is Mount Rushmore-esque. 

When did passive-aggressive replace being phony, mean and bitchy? 

Anyone who does not like Joe Buck and John Smoltz as announcers are pains in the ass. Smoltz is particularly low-key and on point. Great insights. The catcher throwing to first and losing framing the pitch. That stuff is gold.

For better or for worse, the days of the colorful/ awful announcers are over. No Harry (better) Carey, no  Howard (worse) Cosell. 

The only announcer I have any truck with is Sean McDonough. His voice always sounds like he is about to announce he is going to take a nap. But Jon Gruden makes up for it with a lot of energy. 

OH YEAH-FERRIS BUELLER

Sloane's Slip

You cain't say Wally without smilin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




ESPN reports taunting calls in the NFL are up 220%. To which the Cleveland Browns asked, “What’s taunting?” 


After the Paris robbery, Kim Kardashian’s assistant said Kim is going to take some time off. Here’s my question: how does someone who is on a luxury vacation all-year- round take time off? Is Kim going to commute to a 9-5 job in a cubicle?


Melania Trump told CNN’s Anderson Cooper the women accusing Donald Trump of sexual assault are lying. That or she said, “All the cumin accessing atonal ramps of serial somersaults are leaning.”


Melania Trump claimed Donald Trump was egged on by Billy Bush to brag about grabbing pussy. Remember the good ol’ days when Michael Dukakis lost an election by riding in a tank in a helmet looking like Snoopy?


NBC fired Billy Bush over the crude Trump bus banter.  So, in other words, the “Today” show got a Brazilian wax job. They got rid of Bush. 


“The Santa Barbara News-Press” became the first daily newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. Now why would a newspaper in a town of really rich old conservative white people endorse . . . never mind. 


The Cleveland Browns put safety, Jordan Poyer, on injured reserve with a lacerated kidney. Or as the other Cleveland Browns call Poyer: That lucky bastard.


To be blunt, I am surprised Donald Trump admitted to Billy Bush Nancy O’Dell would not have sex with him. He lies about everything else. 


Interesting stories emerging from the Donald Trump-Billy Bush bus tape. Did you know, after hitting on Nancy O’Dell, Trump consulted a proctologist and a primatologist? He wanted to find out the odds of monkeys flying out of his butt because that is when O'Dell said she would sleep with him. 

Ferris Bueller's Timeline Off

Big fan of the John Hughes movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” but, as a suburban Chicago boy, I have some notes. 

First of all, bless his heart, Ferris Bueller is not a suburban Chicago cool kid. Bill (Loyola) Murray is a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Vince (Lake Forrest) Vaughn is a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Liz (NTE*) Phair is a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Adam “Not one of those” (NTE) Baldwin was a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Virginia (NTE) Madson is a suburban Chicago cool kid. John (E*) Cusak and Jeremy (E) Piven I thought were real suburban Chicago cool kids until I found out they were theater arts dweebs who turned into huge celebrity “Talk to my assistant” diva a-holes. 

Ferris Bueller was not a suburban Chicago cool kid, he was a rare creature: a popular hipster computer nerd. The home computer in the mid eighties? The beret? The rat pack outfit?  A Simple Minds poster? Charlie Sheen’s juvie/smoking-area character in the jail waiting room was way closer to a real suburban Chicago cool kid. 

However, Ferris is way ahead of his time as a hipster computer geek, so that is cool. My real problem with “FBDO” is bad clock management. Anyone? Anyone? 

It takes quite a while for Ferris to fake his parents with his illness and wrestle ultra nerd Cameron off his death bed. And then even longer to get the ultra babe Sloane (Why is she British?) Peterson out of her class and go pick her up. It has to be 11 AM when they finally take a hit of LSD (Lake Shore Drive) 

Over a half-hour drive South and then they park it with the psychos who confirm worst ethnic stereotypes, hit the Sears tower, the commodity exchange at the Merc, the Art Institute and then lunch at Chez Paul’s.  (Don't forget all the time they spent out-smarting the snippy Maitre D) All of those combined, traveling to and from, would have to take four hours. After arriving downtown around noon.

How in hell do they make a 1:00 PM Cubs game?  Anyone? Anyone? 

Chicago isn’t LA where people show up in the fourth inning and leave in the sixth. They cut your nuts off if you do that in Wrigley Field. No. Really. They cut them. Off. 

Point is, no self-respecting Cubs fan would get to a Cubs game late. And leave early. 

And then, after the game, they have Ferris invent Karaoke (thanks a lot for that, Ferris) in the middle of a parade. And then drive home, stopping by Lake Michigan in Kenilworth while Cameron goes comatose over the mileage. Sloane’s pool for a dip. (Drooling like Homer Simpson. “Ahhhh, Sloane’s wet slip.” By the way, they are at Sloane’s house. Why didn’t that British tart go inside and get a swimsuit?) And then to Cameron’s house to get rid of the miles and destroy the garage and car. 

All of this happens way before it gets dark in the Spring during early June? 

Please.

(Just checked, and it turns out the sunset in June in Chicago is a very late 8:30. OK, so that might work) 

Point is, that is a solid three days of activities. Anyone with any soul would have to spend an entire afternoon at the Art Institute alone. Hell, I know people who lived near Chicago their entire lives and they have never done all of those things.

Come to think of it, I am one of them. No parade karaoke, no watching commodities trading at the Merc. Everything else I’ve done, including trashing a red sports car. 

So what, you ask, is my point?

Go Cubbies. 

* E is Evanston and NTE is New Trier East. 

Here is my bucket list of Chicago stuff not covered in "FBDO"

SUP on Chicago River or Lake Michigan

Centennial Park

Blues Fest

Visit Chase Records

Blues at Kingston Mines

The Webber Grill Restaurant

Speaking of the Cubs:

It is important, going into a big playoff game, to have nicknames for your key players. Some are mine, some are borrowed. The point is you have to have them. Feel free to use mine or make up your own.

Anthony “Rizz-Bone” Rizzo

Kris “K-Bear” or “B-Man” Bryant

Addison “Street” Russell

Javy “Not Joan” Baez

Jason “Hey Weird” Hayward

Jake “The Pirate” Arrieta.

Kyle “Jimi” Hendricks

Jon “Fester” Lester

Ben Zobrist “As a judge”

Aroldis “Chappy” Chapman

David “Boss” Ross

Jorge Soler “Energy”

Dexter “Dexty Fow-Fow” or “Serial Killer” Fowler

Travis “We got” Wood

Miguel “Mig Jet” Montero

Wilson “Wilson!” Contreras (Yelling it like Tom “Castaway” Hanks) 

Joe “Maddog” Madden. 

Melania Trump always look like she is being informed - while on camera - she has to share her private jet with some strangers. And they will be serving domestic champagne. 

A little dab will do yah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



ISIS is in trouble in Mosul. The battle is going so bad for ISIS they’re now claiming the battle is rigged.  


Donald Trump tweeted that the “SNL” portrayal of him by Alec Baldwin was a media hit job. We tried to ask Trump for a comment, but it turned we were asking Alec Baldwin by mistake.  


Donald Trump tweeted that the “SNL” portrayal of him by Alec Baldwin was a media hit job. To give you an idea how accurate the Alec Baldwin impression of Trump is, before he could get the wig off, Baldwin sexually assaulted four women. 


Production on the Apple car is running into problems. For example, they did away with the windshield and instead are selling you $200 tiny little monocle-like eye shields. 



“The Daily News” claims Donald Trump repeatedly lied about contributing money to charities for 9/11 victims. “And yet the press ignores how Trump has never, once, sold babies into slavery,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.




On CNN with Anderson Cooper, Melania Trump blamed her husband’s crude comments on being egged on by Billy Bush. Historians will no doubt note the similarity of the time Eleanor Roosevelt went on radio to say F.D.R. was goaded into comments about wantonly grabbing female genitalia. 

Since you asked:

Here is a little perspective on polls. Not including the BS online polls, real polls are conducted by a qualified pollster and they are done one-on-one in person.  And they take time. 

So when asked on the street if they want to participate, most people say, “No thanks.” “Sorry, don’t have time.” “Not today.” Who are those people probably voting for? Hillary.

When asked if they want to participate in a poll, I am guessing most Trump followers say something along the lines of, “F*ckng-A right, buddy.” 

So the polls might be a little skewed. 

Historically there has never been such a huge lack of interest for the probable presidential election winner. And the polls cannot flesh that fact out. 

No Room For Locker Room Talk

This is also why Donald Trump excusing what he said to Billy Bush as locker room talk is so egregious.

There is a huge difference between a locker room of a real athletic team and a clubhouse/locker room at a country club or fancy gym. Any un-athletic, loud-mouth jerk who can write a check can be in a country club/gym locker room. Trump has only been in the latter. And on a bus with a fellow douche bag.

In a real team sports locker room, you all have earned the right to be there. It is a place of honor that you respect. And drawing attention to yourself with the kind of bragging Trump did would get you hung by your undies from a locker hook. 

Clearly Trump has been neither a team player nor a good athlete.

Having been lucky enough to have been around more than my share of great athletes or “stars” the one thing they all have in common is that they would never call themselves a star. Ever.

When a guy is talking trash in a locker room bragging about how great they are with women to people they don’t know well, the first thing everyone thinks is that they are lying their ass off. At the very least, if they heard someone bragging about grabbing women’s vaginas without asking they would think, 

“What a dick.” And, “I am going to keep this schmuck away from my sister.”

Real studs, guys whom women can’t leave alone, are adamant about not bragging about it. They consider bragging both crass and bad luck.

Now, I am not saying guys do not kiss-and-tell. They do. Just like women. But, like women, they spill the beans to close friends in intimate places like in a bar or having dinner or watching TV. Not in a loud, crowded, sweaty locker room. 

But my friends who were the biggest ladies men never said a word. Not one. It was frustrating. We wanted to know their secrets. 

So Trump excusing his language as locker room talk rings utterly false. Once again. Trump’s idea of a locker room is the locker room that exists in the mind of a-holes who have never been in a real locker room.

Proving once again with total schmucks like Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Howard Stern, Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh and Chris Christie: there is nothing uglier - besides adolescent boys - than C-Dogs with power pretending to be A-Dogs.





Just eye-guzzled four shows of "Modern Family." That show hasn't quite jumped the shark yet. But they are thinking of buying a shark as a pet and riding it in the ocean like a jet ski. 

And when did Luke start hitting to 'roids? And when did Alex start to look so growns up? And Haley is hotter than your mom. (My mom?) 

Fly the W. Miggy was a biggy.

Yes, Migster's salami was huge. But without Dexty Fow-Fow slinging leather right and left, same with Riz-bone and Javy going home and Lester and Chappy throwing Linda Rondstadts, (Blue Bayou) it doesn't happen.