Friday, November 29, 2013

As it is Thanksgiving, I would like to give a comedy writer thank you to all the Kardashian women: Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, Kris and Bruce. 

Today is Black Friday where everything is on sale; a bunch of women mad at themselves for over-eating on Thanksgiving at a crowded shoe sale. What could possibly go wrong?

Have you seen the viral video of the New York Mets singing “Sleigh Bells”? Hard to believe, but there is something the Mets do worse than play baseball.

You don’t think athletes are better now?
 When I was a kid, my Chicago Bulls had a center, Tom Boerwinkle, R.I.P., who was 7ft tall and could not dunk on a ten-foot rim. After playing two hours of football wearing about 20 pounds worth of pads, 6 foot zero - maybe - Drew Brees scores a running touchdown and then dunks the football over the 10 ft crossbar.

We be stylin', they be smilin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On “Today” Kanye West said he and Kim Kardashian are like Romeo and Juliet; oh my word, does this mean they are going to take poison together? It is a holiday miracle.

Things are just not breaking President Obama’s way. You know those two turkeys he pardoned for Thanksgiving? They have since launched a very successful health care website.

Here are some things I think about NFL games:
We have tiny chips for GPS but they still measure a first down with two teams of three guys with sticks.
When a running back steps forward and stops, it is illegal motion. If they step forward and then turn sideways and keep running, they are in motion. 
Why don't they go for it on fourth down more? Fourth and one should be automatic. You can't get one yard? 
More on-sides kicks.
Holding should be legal, tackling a defender is not.  
We need to institute a "No harm, no foul" rule. If a defender makes a great hit on a receiver and accidentally makes helmet-to-helmet contact, if the receiver is OK, there is no penalty. To keep receivers from faking or flopping, if they do stay down, they have to come out for that series of downs. 
Additional 15-yard-penalty for arguing on an obvious and blatant penalty. Call it the "Don't be a moron" rule. 
A very creative and funny touchdown celebration earns their team an extra red challenge flag throw. 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Dear NFL:

Here is my Thanksgiving present for you. To correct the world's most useless sports play, the kickoff. Keep the players taking off on the 35, but move the kicker back to the 25.

You're welcome.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Just knock away everything that does not look like a horse*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

79-year-old Charles Manson will marry a 25-year-old girl named Star; you’ve heard of a “May to December” romances? This is a “May to Until he Kills You in a Conjugal Visit” romance.
OJ Simpson returned to a Nevada court to have another retrial request turned down. Have you seen how fat OJ is? Apparently OJ now stands for Obese Jailee.
Just saw “Jobs.”
Good. Kudos to Kucher. Writing is weak, though. Kind of goes back and forth from hurrying to get the story down with spots of trying too hard to be brilliant and dramatic.
Key scene is when Jobs has the brilliant insight to insist on many different fonts and fires the engineer who didn’t share his insight. Shows both the genius and the assh*le.  
Here is what blew me away, and I didn’t even know it by the end of the movie:
Steve Jobs didn’t write any of the software for any of the Apple products. Steve Wozniak – and others - physically did all the work. How is that possible? Jobs was a genius at computer architecture. An architect can be brilliant without caring about pouring cement or pounding nails.
If you get to know true computer geek/geniuses who write code, they want to live protected in their little world that excludes all of us non-geeks who can’t write code. The true revenge of the nerds. This guy I know who owns several Qualcom patents bristles at the idea of an Apple computer. Apple computers can’t have their software altered.
Steven Jobs was a genius because he – and I hate to use this now trite term – thought outside the computer box. He was a type of rock star uber-geek who admired the computer nerds and understood them, while at the same time standing above them.
As the brilliant author of “David and Goliath” Malcom Gladwell said on “60 Minutes” like so many brilliant entrepreneurs, Jobs was dyslexic. Dyslexics have to figure out hard and fast how they can make it outside the world of written words.
My first roommate in college was a full-blown computer geek/genius. He was excruciatingly skinny with bad posture so he kind of looked like a question mark with a big nose. But he was a great guy with a kind heart. And a genius.
When I first got to UCSB, I decided to take a creative writing class and got the head of the English department as my professor. In way over my head, I would write a story, my roommate would then proofread it – covering it in red marks – and I would fix it. With that formula, I was the star of the class and the pet of the head of the English department.
Would anyone consider Leonardo DiVinci less of a genius if it turns out he hired someone to do the drawing for him? Imagine Lennon and McCartney if Lennon was the only one who played a musical instrument.
That would be Jobs and Wozniak.

*Brilliant sculptor explaining how he made detailed horses out of marble.

This time of giving thanks, it is important to remember the message Clarence the angel gave George Bailey, no man is a failure who has friends . . . 

Unless, of course, you have the kind of a friend who, when he comes over, always has to take a deuce in our downstairs toilet? Or when you invite him over for dinner, he comes two hours late and drunk with two other drunk strangers he met while playing cards after golf? And one of them served time in prison.

Or how about the kind of friends who are adamant you save them tickets to the charity comedy show you're producing, and then don't show up without bothering to call to cancel? How about three times in a row? 

You know what? Screw those people. Why? Because they all suck, that's why. They could not suck more if they had rubber lips. Bastards. Bastards all. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Celebrities Read More Mean Tweets - 100.7 Jack FM San Diego Radio & DSC- sandiegojack

In Wales, a very attractive 33-year-old high school teacher, Claire Horton, was fired after having sex with a 16-year-old male student. She has been banned from teaching for life, and he has been banned from ever having to pay for a beer for life.

Charles Manson, 79, is engaged to a 25-year-old named Star; if you want to get the couple a present, they're registered at Bed, Bath and Depends.