Delta is merging with Northwest. You know who should merge? American Airlines and Jet Blue, that way when American cancels all of its flights it won’t matter because the Jet Blue planes are stuck on the runway anyway.
Hillary Clinton is really trying to hammer her blue collar roots to win in Pennsylvania. She might be overdoing it. This morning Hillary showed up at a Seven Eleven in her bathrobe, curlers in her hair, to buy a six pack of Lucky Lager, a carton of unfiltered Marlboros and 30 lottery tickets.
That’s what you get
Next week on “American Idol” the contestants sing show tunes. That’s what happens when you let Ryan Seacrest pick the theme.
The NBA playoffs have begun. So that means Isaiah Thomas and the New York Knicks are going to have to start sucking at playing the NBA Jam video game at home.
A lot done
The gay republican convention is winding up in San Diego. They accomplished a great deal. The gay republicans resolved to support John McCain by networking with other gay people and to denounce Hillary Clinton by fiercely criticizing her choice of pants suits.
Not the same
Recently kicked-off “American Idol” contestant Kristy Lee Cook revealed Thursday night on our show her motto is “Rope it, ride it, wrestle it, Cowgirl it.” Unlike Paula Abdul’s motto, “Drink it, swallow it, sleep with it, hate-Simon-Cowell-girl it.”
Now that’s fast
When they booted Kristy Lee Cook of “American Idol” did you see that clip of Kristi Lee galloping on her horse? It was amazing, she was moving faster than Ryan Seacrest at last call in a leather bar.
When they booted pretty Kristy Lee Cook of “American Idol” Ryan Seacrest and all the judges pleaded for the guy who bought her horse to sell it back to her. To which Bill Clinton volunteered “You can ride me if you want. And put me to bed wet. Nee haw”
So these two guys in an Irish pub are talking loudly.
“Yah be lookin’ familiar. What town are yah from?”
“No kidding? I’m from Dublin too. Let me buy you a drink.”
“So what high school did you be goin’ too, if I can ask?”
“St. Mary’s. You’re lyin’. I went to St. Mary’s too. Let me buy you a drink.”
“Who was your senior year English teacher?”
“Oh, now shut it. My teacher was Sister Catherine as well. Let me buy you a drink.’
Guy at the bar asks the bartender:
“What’s with those guys?”
“Oh, the Fitzpatrick twins are drunk again.”