Saturday morning caffeine fueled rant
Yesterday I picked up my daughter from First Grade. Of course I asked the requisite; "What did you do in school today, Ann Caroline?" She dead panned: "I chased boys and I went to science."

Pray for me, Slats and Nuggies, pray for me.

You really won't care about this
Great workout yesterday. Lots of that new cool funky ball balance Plyometrics stuff. Take a ten -or twelve - pound ball, stand like you are going to shoot a free throw, then bending down - with a straight back - touch it to the floor, bring it up, and then volleyball/three point shot straight up, catch it and bring it back to the floor. One. Do 20. By then the legs give out, then do ten more just throwing it up and catching it without touching the floor. Arms and legs will be totally spent. Do another set. You are now one tired and well-balanced worked out Gaucho or Gauchoette.

The cheapest and best piece of exercise gear? A jump rope. Try and do 300 in a row. It ain't easy. Plus it bridges the gap in workouts between aerobic and muscle building, i.e. lifting or calisthenics. Also crunches on the big Swiss exercise ball. Swear to god, I am losing my Tony Soprano - the high gut.

How hilarious is it that, 30 years ago, when there was no such thing as sports medicine or fitness experts, the moldy, fuddy-duddy crew-cut gym teachers had us do wind sprints, push ups, pull ups, sit ups and jumping jacks? And some of the really old Neanderthal gym teachers actually had us throw an archaic weighted medicine ball.

Then the "experts" started telling us, no, no, no we need low level aerobics. By maintaining a low to moderate heart rate, you could assure yourself the most calories and fat burned because you can go longer. And remember those stupid Nautilus machines? Those machines went to great lengths to assure that the range of motion that you worked out with was so restricted it could never be replicated in real life, especially in sports, rendering it almost totally useless.

Guess what? Now they - the experts- say that anaerobic exercise, while more intense and not lasting as long as moderate aerobics, actually increases your metabolism in the long run, so that, at the end of the day, it is much more efficient at burning fat than, well, the long run, i.e. slow, steady exercise. And as far as muscle conditioning? It turns out that using your own body weight and by performing bounding/jumping/ pushing/pulling/throwing exercises replicates how you actually move while playing sports and is much more effective as well as safer.

In short, after thirty years of intense research and vast medical advances, they've figured out the best type of exercise is called Plyometrics: i.e., wind sprints, push ups, pull ups, sit ups and jumping jacks and, of course, throwing a weighted ball.

Can I get a "the more things change, the more they stay the same" one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Amen.

How rich is he?
Forbes magazine announced that, once again, Bill Gates is the richest man in the world at 48 billion. How rich is Gates? Today Gates gave 276 Pontiacs to Oprah.

If anyone can do it, Oliver can
Oliver Stones epic “Alexander” is opening. It is going to be fascinating to see how Oliver Stone connects the 356 B.C. King of Macedonia, Alexander the Great, to the vast conspiracies by the evil, American military industrial complex.

Since you asked, Saturday
There is some loose talk flying around that the folks at Outback Steakhouse can grill a mean steak. Well, tonight, we will see, my Slats and Nuggies, we will see. They had better step up and show me some serious grilling game. Could it be better than a USDA prime, rib-eye marinated in Jim Beam marinade*, seared and garlic smoked medium rare with melted roasted garlic/mustard/steak sauce butter smothered in caramelized onions? That is one high bar to jump over, Slats and Nuggies, one high bar.

* http://www.bbqgalore.com/store/item.bbq?invky=5826006

Cooking tips, exercise advice, jokes, canine stories. Is there anything you can't find here at a "A Little Bit Bad"? Well, besides quality writing . . .

This really just in:

Yusuf Islam, Cat Stevens, is demanding an inquiry as to why he was kicked out of the U.S. I agree, I want an inquiry as to why we didn’t also kick out Celine Dion and Kenny G.

This just in:

Iraqi Prime Minister Allawi says Iraq is stable enough to hold elections as scheduled; that old expression must be true: every time god shuts a door, he opens a window. Man, God’s air-conditioning bills must be atrocious.

Check it, Slats and Nuggies, all the big names in comedy all up in this right here, (Sniff, teeth-suck, inhale, stretch, and groan exhale of smugness)

http://www.newsday.com/news/printedition/opinion/ny-vppun233981321sep23,0,7308003.story?coll=ny-opinion-archive


Give up one up high for that right there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s gone too far now
*Another former celebrity was kicked off a flight; they red-flagged “Quick Draw” McGraw for his Muslim name al-Kabong.

The same thing
*They have established the ground rules for the upcoming presidential debates; you cannot approach your opponent and you cannot touch your opponent. It’s the same rules that are in Bill and Hillary Clinton’s bedroom.

I’m inviting everyone but you, so there
*Rumor has it that Michael Jordan wants to play for the Miami Heat, but Shaquille O’Neal doesn’t want him, just like Kobe Bryant didn’t want Shaq – and nearly every other Laker - in Los Angeles. Exactly when did the NBA turn into a seventh grade girl’s slumber party?

Not to mention any names, but their initials are Wrigley and Kasey
*The British Medical Journal says that dogs can sniff-out serious diseases. If that’s true than I knew a couple of dogs around here that are born proctologists.

Since you asked:
*Did the steaks ala Lex last night. Not to brag, but oh my goodness. The best part - next to the actual eating – is the way the house smells during and after. Between caramelizing the onions, the smoking hickory chips, the oven-roasted garlic, the sautéed mushrooms, the sizzling grilled steaks, the candles, our house smells like a great Chicago or New York steak and chop house. (Let me tell you, I am one lottery ticket away from opening “Lex’s Blues and Comedy Bar and Grill.” Rocking blues bands, stand up comedians and awesome bar food) Also had a good, inexpensive Cabernet while enjoying the Cubs continue their amazing late season run. (In Dusty we trusty)

Again, it’s not a Cannes film festival super-model-ridden champagne soaked naked hot tub party, but it ain’t bad.

This morning, we are at level blue.

Congratulations to our great friends Tracy and Mark "Snake" on the birth of Charlotte Elizabeth O'Connor, born on the first day of Autumn.

We off the hook in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No, not really
*Today is the Autumnal Equinox; when asked what he thought about the Autumnal Equinox, president Bush said, “I hear they are right nice cars.”

Wild world
*Yusuf Islam, i.e. Cat Stevens, was booted out of the US after his name popped up on a U.S. terrorist watch list. The guy’s name is Islam, gosh, I wonder how they spotted that? Was the name Al Qaeda already taken? “Paging Mister Qaeda, Mister Al Qaeda, please report to airport security.”

Great. We can’t get Osama bin Laden, but we sure nailed that Moonshadow guy.

Look for Cat Stevens new single, “Can’t Keep It In . . . the United States.”

Again, we kid the president
*The presidential candidates cannot agree on the format of the upcoming debates. When asked what kind of format he wanted Bush said, “How about a throw rug?”

In poker they call that a tell
*It is now being reported that Britney Spears faked her wedding. They became suspicious when Britney lip-synched the wedding vows.

Britney Spears, who said she doesn't smoke and she does, said she is a virgin and she isn't, said she didn't have a boob job but she did and said she doesn't lip-synch but she does, if Britney says she's married, well, if you can't believe her, who can you believe?

We kid the John Kerry
The New York Times reports that Saddam Hussein is depressed. And here I didn’t even know Saddam was a John Kerry supporter.

Saddam had a beard, now he doesn't, he thought he was president and now he isn't, no wonder the guy's depressed, he just realized he is like Al Gore.

My Uncle Louie is spinning in his grave
A woman, Annie Duke, won the “World Series of Poker.” Guys, nothing is sacred. Next thing you know a woman will win the “Writing Your Name In the Snow” Championship.

CBS= Can't Believe Stories
Things could actually get worse for CBS. My sources claim Dan Rather is ready to break a story that Cat Stevens sang at Britney Spears wedding.

Since you asked:
Nobody has ever mistaken me for a network television executive, but if I am a honcho at CBS, I have to can the Dan. Rather is out of hand.

It’s bad enough the guy went with a phony story, but the reason he has to go is because he has such a big axe to grind against everything Bush, he cannot possibly retain any credibility or objectivity. Remember stress city? Rather should have been canned then.

Sure, Tom Brokow sounds like he is at the dentist and desperately needs to rinse, and Peter Jennings is a snotty Canadian – we have the only two snotty Canadians on the planet on our network television, Jennings and Alex Trabek – but at least you can watch them. Who can still watch Rather?

Grilling with Lex
Got a hankerin' for my steak ala Lex tonight. Oh yeah, baby. A nice ribeye marinated in Jim Beam marinade. Seared and grilled to medium rare perfection, and one minute before that happens, I throw ten water soaked crushed garlic cloves right on the burners and smoke that bad beast in eye-rollingly good garlic smoke. It smells so amazing you can actually hear my neighbors drool. (True, for a few that is a pre-existing condition)

Do I stop there? Oh, heeeaaaaaal noooooooooo, Slats and Nugs. After the steaks have been re-salted and peppered, drizzled in olive oil and properly rested, I put a big-ass dollop of my roasted garlic/ mustard/ Worcestershire sauce butter to lovingly melt all over it. Mmmm, mmmmm, mmm. Make you wanna go and slap the night manager at Sizzlers is what it makes you wanna do.

That's right.

This just in:

* Yogi Bear forced a flight to land after his newly adopted Muslim name popped up: Yab Adab-ado.

We bangin' then we hangin' up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No, I think it was the Cubs
*Today is the first day of Fall, so tomorrow is the Autumnal Equinox; When asked about the Autumnal Equinox, President Bush said; “Didn’t he play third base for Boston?”

Equal time
*It’s been reported that, in his recent speeches, John Kerry has been talking more about religion and God. It’s true, today Kerry said; “Jesus, my poll numbers suck.”

He showed him
*This weekend in Oklahoma, Macaulay Culkin pulled over by police and arrested for possession of a controlled dangerous substance. Actually Culkin was delighted, his last agent told him, as an actor, Culkin couldn’t get arrested.

The arresting officer listed Culkin’s profession as actor, so the case will have to be thrown out.

Follow this, Moonshadow
*Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, forced a Washington, D.C.-bound United Airlines flight to land in Maine after his name popped up on a U.S. terrorist watch list. He was also questioned about his latest single; “Morning Has Broken, Like We are Going to Break the American Infidel Dogs.”

I got news for you, Cat, sweetheart, if you pick the last name Islam, you might want to look into chartering private jets instead of flying commercial.

A fine whine
*The people who got a free car from Oprah are complaining because of the $28,000 extra income for the car, they have to pay about $7,000 in taxes. Some people are never happy; if you gave them eternal youth they would whine about all the homework.

Say it ain’t so, Britney
*The Drudge report claims that Britney Spears faked her wedding. As opposed to Jennifer Lopez who simply fakes her marriages.

CBS says it has a valid copy of Britney’s marriage certificate, so it probably is a fake.

Now that would be a game
*Tiger Woods latest video game, “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005” is out. If Tiger Woods wants this video to sell he’d have it rush through the stupid golf game and show him going home to his Swedish bikini model wife, Elin Nordegin.

Not likely
*Have you seen the Office Depot commercials featuring Donald Trump? As if Donald Trump has ever stepped foot in an Office Depot. Martha Stewart has spent more time in K-Mart than Trump has spent in an Office Depot.

Can you see Trump shopping for office supplies? “These post it notes are on sale. What a deal.”

Name that tune
“American Idol” winner Rueben Stoddard announced his next album will be a Gospel album. His first single is “Christ, Could I Use a Cheeseburger.”

Potential plumbing problems postponed
*Cal. State University San Marcus said it would be illegal to pay school funds for an appearance by Michael Moore. In addition, it just wouldn’t be a good idea: San Marcos has low-flow toilets.

“I said LIFO, not FIFO.” Ahh, nothing like a little accounting humor
*Interstate Bakeries Corp. the makers of Twinkies, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. And, due to their extended shelf life, they had to switch Twinkies from a perishable to a long-term asset.

Poor Martha
Martha Stewart said that, while she was in prison for five months, she would miss her two dogs, her seven cats, her canaries, horses and even her chickens. Upon which her pets replied, “Five months of relief, thank you sweet mercy.”

Since you asked:
I’ve mentioned the younger of our two yellow labs, Wrigley. Every morning for Wrigley is “Groundhog Day,” he wakes up at 6:22 am, he goes through the same routine, and eats the exact same food. And every single morning, Wrigley is more excited than a little kid on his birthday. I don’t know whether that’s wonderful or pathetic. It’s like having a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease who has regressed to four-years-old and thinks every morning is Christmas Day. You don’t know whether to feel sorry for them or for yourself.

Kasey, our older lab, is more worldly and slightly cynical.

A note on Tyler Hamilton:
That sucks. Yes, you are not supposed to blood dope. But you sort of have to feel horrible for Tyler. Granted, blood doping is bad, but he didn't know he was being tested for it. I know cheating is cheating, but haven't we all cheated? The other day I caught myself looking at my six-year-old daughter's cards in a fierce game of "Rat-a-tat-cat."

If everyone else cheats is it still cheating? In the Tour De France, it's not the cheating that's damning - everyone cheats - it's getting caught that is the evil.

Remember, in Munich in 1972, when Steve Prefontaine lost to Finland's Lasse Viren while more than just rumors of Viren's blood doping abounded? Viren got the gold and Pre lost. We got screwed, right? Well, why the hell didn't Prefontaine dope his blood? It couldn't be detected in tests back then. Didn't Pre want to win as badly as Viren? You cannot tell me that if it was an option, Prefontaine wouldn't have used any method he could.

It's kind of like giving a kid a test and leaving the answer book in the room with him. Then you announce, "I will be leaving you alone, but, whatever you do, don't cheat." What you don't tell him is that there is a hidden camera monitoring him. Will the kid cheat? Yes. Will he get caught? Yes. Is it fair? No, not totally.

This just in, with an assist from my buddy John
Concerned that the hurricane relief efforts were focusing too intently on sending clothes, Teresa Heinz Kerry said; “Let them go naked a while.” Man, even Marie Antoinette let them eat some cake.


Now THAT is what I am talking about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The B.S. In CBS
Trouble at CBS, which stands for Can’t Back Story. CBS admits the Bush National Guard memo was a fake. This is causing a shakeup at CBS, they are now starting to question whether everyone really does love Raymond.

Trouble at CBS which stands for Credibility Becoming Slim. CBS admits the Bush National Guard memo was a fake. Now more trouble. You know CBS’s new fall show “Dr. Vegas”? It turns out Dr. Vegas got his medical degree in Aruba.


Really?
CBS’s “CSI Miami” season premiere was advertised as so intense, one of the cast members won’t survive it. And guess who it is? Dan Rather.

CBS is going to admit the Bush National Guard memo was a fake. It promises to be very dramatic, the “C.S.I. Miami” actors are going to surround Dan Rather’s desk with yellow police tape.

The “CSI Miami” season premiere was advertised as so intense, one of the cast members won’t survive it. I think it’s called the; “Anyone else not happy with their contract?” episode.

I’m not a girl . . .
*Britney Spears got married over the weekend. Insert your own; “Oops, I did it again” joke here.

Britney supplied their rings, the reception was at a bar featuring chicken wings and burgers. I don’t want to say it was trashy, but apparently the wedding planner was Tonya Harding.

And the winner isn’t . . .
The Emmys were last night. Or as NBC calls the Emmys: the “yeah, whatever” awards.

You know who should have won an Emmy? The minister who preformed the Britney Spears wedding ceremony. When he got to the line; “‘till death you do part” he did not crack up once.

Revealing television
*Did you see the Miss America pageant? I don’t want to imply the bikinis were skimpy, but they made the US Olympic beach volleyball bikinis look like Burkas.

What a relief
*In Israel, Madonna called for world peace at a conference on Jewish mysticism. Madonna called for world peace? What a relief. Just when those al Qaeda characters were starting to worry me, Madonna goes and solves everything.

Madonna called for world peace. What a relief to our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Ryders on the storm
*The American team Ryder Cup team was so far behind the Europeans the only way they would have brought home the trophy is if they turned it into the Winona Ryder Cup and stole it.

A sure sign
*In New York City a judge refused to overturn a verdict even though one of the jurors admitted he drank while on jury duty. They should have suspected he was drunk, every time the judge banged his gavel, the juror yelled; “Come in.”