Friday, October 09, 2009

This is our go-to picnic spot. Not bad, huh?

Imma gonna imma gonna, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Archaeologists in Ethiopia have found a female scull 4.4 million years old they have named Ardi, but Joan Rivers calls her Aunt Tootie.

Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee, Starbucks claims, in a blind taste test, you can’t tell which one of their coffees, the instant or the regular, is ripping you off the most.

Do me a favor will you, due to some digging in my neighborhood, my TV cable has been out this week, anything new with Dave Letterman?

This David Letterman story won’t go away. Have you heard the latest rumor? You know why they fired Jon from “Jon & Kate Plus 8”? Turns out the eight kid’s real father is Dave Letterman.

This David Letterman story won’t go away. To give you an idea how bad the Letterman scandal is, Sarah Palin’s daughter is making inappropriate Letterman jokes.

Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee, because if there is one thing our over-entitled, attention-deficit-disorder-ridden society needs, it’s a faster way to get caffeine.

David Letterman is facing criticism over his numerous inappropriate affairs with staff members, except in Hollywood where he might actually be christened Saint Dave.

To give you an idea just how bad this David Letterman sex scandal is, today Letterman received a fruit basket from a grateful Roman Polanski.

This David Letterman story won’t go away. Here is a guy who doesn’t drink, gave up cigars, gave up coffee and now he won’t be having sex for quite a long while. If we’re not careful, Dave could turn into a Star Trek fanatic.

A Swiss court denied bail for Roman Polanski, but Whoopi Goldberg said it wasn’t really bail-bail.

Since you asked:

Not that Jesus would feel this way, but I really despise the drivers who live around here. Like the guy who cuts you off just so he can slow down and turn? That guy.

If you were on San Diego's 56 East yesterday at 2:10 PM? There is a 97% chance you are a screaming douche bag of a crappy driver.

But not you, Slats and Nugsters, you guys be awesomeness personifictified.

We ain’t gonna run this town, but we may power walk it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s the baseball playoffs; gentlemen start your injections.

The New York Yankees are in the playoffs against the Minnesota Twins. This will be good for Alex Rodriguez, it will take his mind off the fact that he found out it wasn’t he who got Kate Hudson pregnant, it was David Letterman.

Brett Favre led his new team, the Minnesota Vikings, to a huge 30-23 win over his old team, the Green Bay Packers. But Brett is getting up there. At one point Favre walked up to the huddle and said; “Now why did I come in here again?”

Brett Favre led his new team, the Minnesota Vikings, to a huge 30-23 win over his old team, the Green Bay Packers. But Brett is getting up there. At one point during the game, I thought Favre was signaling for a play change, turns out he was patting himself down to find his reading glasses.

It has been estimated Kevin Federline – Britney’s ex-husband – has put on over 60 pounds so he can lose it and win “Celebrity Fit Club.” And I bet he loses all of it during the show. Not the fat, his celebrity.

The NBA has banned players from posting on Twitter and Facebook, during games; And the players are not happy about it, upon hearing he couldn’t Twitter during games, one player tweeted; “OMG, WTF NBA? It’ totally like they are expecting me to do my job?”

The NBA has banned players from posting on Twitter during games; they have to Twitter during games? These guys don’t just have ADD, attention deficit disorder, they have ADCOTHC, Attention Deficit check out that hot cheerleader.”

Since you asked:

The new status symbol for celebrities is how many people follow them on Twitter. The big milestone is one million followers.

But, get this, I just broke a milestone of my own on Twitter. One hundred people now follow me on Twitter. Gosh, suddenly I have been hit with a wave of coldness, sadness and fatigue. Think I'll go lie down and rock myself and hum for a while . . .

Because, with my back and tooth hurting, I didn't quite feel old enough, my good buddy, Woody, told me his daughter, A.L.b.B. reader, Julia, went to a '90's party. I would have to go to Marshalls and buy new clothes to go to a Nineties party. An Eighties party? I'm good to go.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Put it back in your World Wide Pants

Gives me an oh snap ditty what-what one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Michael Vick resigns a deal with Nike? So how did Vick get out of Nike’s dog house so fast?

The Backstreet Boys had to cancel their tour because Brian Littrell has the swine flu; yeah, I didn’t think you gave a damn either.

Rio de Janeiro has been selected for the 2016 Olympic Games; In Rio people swigged rum, tore off their clothes and danced in the street all night, when we asked them why they were so excited about the Olympics, they said; “What Olympics?”

Chicago is upset about not getting the 2016 Olympics. Maybe Chicago didn’t get the Olympics because they were planning to make the five Olympic rings out of giant onion rings.

David Letterman had sex with his interns. Why is it I can’t get an intern to get me a cup of coffee?

David Letterman had sex with his interns. I guess they misunderstood when he asked them to be on his staff.

Sarah Palin has written her book titled “Going Rogue.” Don’t confuse this with Joe Biden’s book: “Going Rogaine.”

Rapper Wale has a new CD called “Attention: Deficit.” It sounds pretty good, I just can’t seem to finish listening to it.

Rapper Wale has a new CD called “Attention: Deficit.” It has this great go-go song that, oh, shoot, I forget to start a player on my fantasy team, hey look, a quarter.

Rapper Wale has a new CD called “Attention: Deficit.” The hit song is “Yo, yo, check it, hey look, a blue car.”

They arrested that guy who tried to sell naked video shots of beautiful sports reporter, Erin Andrews. The guy secretly filmed Andrews naked in her hotel room. Thank god this wasn’t the guy who tried to extort David Letterman. Who needs naked pictures of that?

Did you watch football this weekend? I noticed a Seattle Seahawks safety is named Lawyer Milloy. They named the guy Lawyer? Was the name Ambulance Chaser already taken?

To show awareness for breast cancer, many NFL teams wore pink on their uniforms. It is a great cause, but it was odd to see football players wearing so much pink. It is sort of like seeing a prima ballerina driving a Harley Davidson chopper.

The Hollywood petition to release Roman Polanski shows how much Hollywood forgives their own. In fact, did you know what they call OJ Simpson in Hollywood? That talented actor who played Officer Nordberg in the “Naked Gun” trilogy.

The backlash against Whoopi Goldberg questioning if the rape of a minor by Roman Polanski was rape-rape is big. Many people are vowing not to see any of Whoopi’s movies, which would be a big deal if this was still 1992.

The backlash against Whoopi Goldberg questioning if the rape of a minor by Roman Polanski was rape-rape is big. Men all over the country are vowing never to watch “The View” again.

Since you asked:

When you take the newspaper off your neighbor’s driveway, what time is the difference between being a considerate neighbor who doesn’t want thieves to know they are not home and when is it just stealing a newspaper? Noon?

People are asking me, Lex, with your vast strategic military expertise – I’ve seen “Patton” and “Master and Commander” more times than I can count – what is your opinion on whether or not a troop surge could prove effective in Afghanistan?

First of all, the terrain is problematic at best. You could not hire engineers to create a topography that was better suited for guerilla and rebel forces to hide and ambush. Just tossing 40,000 troops at an area where insurgents can hide in caves and attack from cliffs and mountain tops two or three at a time isn’t necessarily the best way to go.

It would be like using a bazooka to get rid of ants.

However, more soldiers cover more terrain. If the new surge employs a strategy of spreading out and in groups of five to ten to fight the groups of four to six buried and entrenched insurgents, that could take out more of the enemy faster.

Let’s also not forget, more troops searching the Pakistan/Afghanistan mountainous borders could result in happening upon Osama bin Laden sooner.

In summary, if they are just going to throw numbers at the problem and attack in battlefield strategy in battalions, more troops isn’t necessarily going to cause results in Afghanistan.

If they utilize a more stealth and covert style of smaller platoons banding groups of ten who then can comb out and cover a wider area and widen the line of attack and stretch out and isolate the scattered enemy, a troop surge in Afghanistan would be useful.

And, when and if they do catch Osama bin Laden, my suggestion, and it is just one man’s suggestion, is a good, old-fashioned scrotum hanging immediately followed by a pig blood bath and a pants-wetting bitch-slapping until he whines like the sorry murdering pussy he is, all caught on video clip and sent to al Jazeera.

That is all for now, soldier, outstanding. Dismissed.

Fond memories

For whatever reason you need to assign silly high school jocks, my group of friends decided people essentially fell into two categories: prudes or whores. To label people we would then replace a syllable from their name and substitute the word prude or whore. Men and women both.

Let’s use the Supreme Court for example. Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a prude. So she would be Ruth Bader Gins-prude. Or Prude-sberg. Same with retired justice David Souter. He would be David Sou-prude. Or Prude-ter.

Your status could change depending on your behavior. If you did something exceedingly whorish or prudish, we would adjust accordingly.

Sure, usually I was Alex Kasewhore, but, on occasion I was demoted/promoted to Alex Prudeberg.

Justice Clarence Thomas? Clearly a whore. So he is Clarence Thom-whore. Or Whore-mas.

David Letterman? David Letter-whore.

So what, you ask, and why wouldn’t you, what do you, Lex, think of this whole Letterman scandal?

Whether you believe it or not, I have it on good authority that, with certain women, Letterman holds one hell of a pull. Fame wealth power and funny doesn’t hurt. One woman in the business I know – who shall remain nameless – said she had a hot friend who stalked Letterman and repeatedly threw herself at him, but to no avail.

This does not excuse Letterman if he abused his power and that he cheated on the mother of his child. N.O.W has, of course, taken the opportunity to pile on and whore for free publicity to slam Letterman. But doesn’t that weaken the women involved in this to the point of making them defenseless children? These are TV figures who were good at what they did and they were also consenting adults.

There is no evidence at all that Letterman ever pulled a “Do me or you’re fired” on these adult women.

So I guess I am willing to give a big ol’ pass, but I am disappointed, I thought for sure Letterman was the best chance at a really decent guy, including Leno and O’Brien, in the entertainment bidness.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Wait 'til next . . . oh, sorry, I just can't say it anymore . . .

Rock out with your sock out, or something like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chicago is very upset they will not have the Olympics in 2016. You know it’s tough when a big city has a better chance of getting the Olympics then the World Series.

Jon got sacked from “Jon & Kate Plus 8” now it is just “Kate Plus 8.” Gosh, I hope Jon is OK, he seems like such a great guy” said nobody on the planet.

Jon got sacked from “Jon & Kate Plus 8” now it is just “Kate Plus 8.” That is when you know you’re worthless, when you get fired for not doing a good enough job on your own reality show.

In Utah, Elisabeth Smart testified she was kidnapped and raped daily by her captor, Brian David Mitchell. Upon hearing this, Hollywood big shots asked; “Is Mitchell an Academy Award winning director? No? Well then he should fry.”

As if we didn’t have enough social networking sites, like Twitter and MySpace, did you hear about the new social networking site for drunks? It’s called Facedbook.

The NBA is banning players from posting on Twitter during games. I’m not worried about basketball players twittering during their sport, now NASCAR? They should ban their guys from Tweeting during races. “OMG, I just totally crashed into my pit crew. L.

In Utah, Elisabeth Smart testified she was kidnapped and raped daily by her captor, Brian David Mitchell. Whoopi Goldberg wants to know if Mitchell just raped her or if he rape-raped her?

Guess who is back flying again? Hudson River hero Captain “Sully” Sullenberger. This is great news for everybody except Canadian geese.

Woody Allen – who married his girlfriend’s stepdaughter - signed the petition to have Roman Polanski set free. Even Roman Polanski is saying; “Gosh, thanks, Woody, but I’m good. No thanks.”

In Utah, Elisabeth Smart testified she was kidnapped and raped daily by her captor, Brian David Mitchell. Who does this Mitchell guy think he is? An Academy Award winning director? He can’t do that.

Hollywood big shots have signed a petition demanding the immediate release of jailed convicted child rapist, Roman Polanski. Don’t you sometimes wish it was possible to reach out and give all of Hollywood a huge wedgie and hang them by their underwear from a gym locker?

Congratulations to the Detroit Lions, they finally won after losing 19 in a row. They beat the Washington Redskins. How embarrassing is that for the Redskins? That’s like losing Baby Sitter of the Month to Roman Polanski.

Woody Allen – who had sex with and married his girlfriend’s stepdaughter - signed the petition to have Roman Polanski set free. Having Woody Allen support you on a sex scandal is like having Donald Trump compliment your hair.

Monday, October 05, 2009

This is the scene tonight while grillin' and chillin' for MNF

We got the thing at that place with those people, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The CBS’ “The Good Wife” premiered this week, it’s about the wife of a politician who is cheating on her. Or as a the wife of a politician who is cheating on her as otherwise known: a politician’s wife.

A University of Chicago study claims playing sports makes you smarter; wow, can you imagine if Michael Vick didn’t play football? Scary.

Sarah Palin’s 400 page memoir is titled: “Going Rogue.” It wasn’t easy for Sarah to write this book, she was also busy churning out hilarious scripts for “30 Rock.”

Sarah Palin’s 400 page memoir is titled: “Going Rogue.” It’s filled with excellent traveling insights like, surprisingly, did you now men aren’t legally required to wear a tie in Thailand?

Sarah Palin’s upcoming 400 page memoir is titled: “Going Rogue.” Some of Sarah’s rejected titles? “Getting All Maverick-y” “You’re Welcome, Tina Fey” and “Good Morning, Russia.”

Sarah Palin’s upcoming 400 page memoir is titled: “Going Rogue.” It’s filled with excellent traveling insights like, no matter what you’ve heard, there is no country called Europe.

You can now buy Crocs – those rubber sandals with a strap – with your team colors and insignia; so guys, if you’re a Detroit Lion fan, these Crocs are the perfect look if you want the ladies to know you, and your favorite team, are losers.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been included for nomination into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; now that is how you know you’re getting old, when bands you think are a bunch of young punks are getting nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

The latest trend with al Qaida suicide bombers is inserting the bombs in their rectums; if al Qaida isn’t careful things like rectal suicide bombers could tarnish their usually stellar reputation.

The latest trend with al Qaida suicide bombers is inserting the bombs in their rectums, you thought al Qaida terrorists were desperate when they tried to light their shoes? Now they’ll have to light their farts.

Tufts University has passed a rule that students cannot have sex if their roommate is present. Wow things have gotten wild, when I was in college I had a hard time having sex in my room with my date present.

Since you asked:

As much as we thought we knew how out-of-touch Hollywood big shots are with us real people, as much as we knew how ridiculously highly they regard themselves and each other as well as what they do for a living, we never got a complete insight just how far out of whack the top big shots of Hollywood’s priorities and egos are until they banded together to sign a petition demanding the release of a pervert who drugged, and gave alcohol to and then anally raped a thirteen-year-old child. As you know, the petition is for that horrible human, Roman Polanski.

When an outspoken women’s rights activist, like Whoopi Goldberg, crawls inside a degenerate’s rectum, like Whoopi Goldberg did when she questioned on live TV on “The View” whether the heinous crime Polanski committed was rape-rape, we get some small idea how much these absolute immoral morons deify themselves and what they do.

Do I sound angry? You’re goddamned right I do, because I am.

We haven’t seen this much ego and out-of-touch priorities since immediately after he was arrested for dog fighting, professional athletes defended Michael Vick for torturing and killing puppies and dogs for six years.

What is about the only act a human being can commit that is worse than torturing and killing puppies? How about drugging and then repeatedly raping a little girl?

And Hollywood supports this guy.

Please, please, liberal or conservative, republican or democrat, it does not matter. It doesn’t matter if it is Tom Selleck pimping the right wing or Rosie O’Donnell whoring for the left, please remember this Polanski petition the next time a Hollywood star or director tells us how to vote.

Not to blow smoke:

But there is some serious girl-power up in comedy writing/writing these days. Diablo Cody, Caprice Crane, Tina Fey, Chelsea Lately. Funny, smart, hot. Works for me. Can I get a woot to the woot, woot, one time?