For our well-qualified blog readers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Pitchy
“American Idol” contestant Chikezie was voted off; that’s too bad, he was, without a doubt, the best contestant they’ve ever had named Chikezie.

“American Idol” contestant Chikezie was voted off; Chikezie is a Nigerian name that, roughly translated, means: Simon Cowell sucks.

That close
The New York Yankees announced that box seats in the new Yankee Stadium next year will sell for twenty-five hundred dollars per game. But the seats are good, when the players sweat you can actually smell the steroids.

Who knew?
Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Washington D.C. It was interesting, I had no idea that Hillary once defused a nuclear time bomb at Dulles International Airport.

Who is this guy?
How about this new Governor of New York, David Patterson? First he admits he had numerous affairs in a Days Inn, then he admits he smoked pot, and now he says he did cocaine. Just who does this guy think he is, Bill Clinton?

Ouch
Surgeons at the University of California at San Diego created uninvasive medical history by removing a man’s appendix through his mouth. And you don’t even want to know where they went in to perform a vasectomy.

Makes sense
In Florida two 93-year-old-guys were trying to hire prostitutes. They were in a rest home for retired New York Governors.

That’s nice
In suburban Chicago, Aurora police busted a prostitution ring. The suburban Chicago hookers are a little different, afterwards they send you a nice handwritten Thank You note.

Catchy
Barack Obama ’s preacher has a big sermon planned Sunday, it’s called “Why Whitey Ain’t Righty.”

Yuck
Madonna is releasing her 11th album next month titled “Hard Candy.” Madonna has sold 200 million albums world wide and yet nobody admits they own a Madonna album. Madonna is the musical equivalent of masturbating: everyone likes it, nobody admits to it.


Fitting tribute
The owner of the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has endorsed Hillary Clinton. To honor Hillary, all this week the hookers are dressed up in black latex pantsuits.

Viva La No Underpants
Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife, Carla Bruni? They don’t call her the first lady for nothing.

Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s new wife, Carla Bruni? They are so sexy the Germans are thinking seriously of invading France again.

Tough stigma to overcome
Fred Thompson announced that he is getting back into acting. That is if the actors can get past Fred’s consorting with those immoral drug and whoring-around politicians and live the clean and moral life of Hollywood.


Great idea, grab you coats
Iran wants to attract more American Tourism. “Hey, honey, let’s forget about going to Aruba, let’s go to Iran and check out their new theme park “Mullah Land” and ride the Jihad Jamboree.

Viva La Carla
Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s new wife, Carla Bruni? You can tell she is French. She surrendered over her bra and panties.

Not all of them
Ringling Bros. circus is at Madison Square Garden, finally the New York Knicks aren’t responsible for all the horse piles left on Garden the floor.

When will it stop?
How about this new Governor of New York, David Patterson? First he admits he had numerous affairs in a Days Inn, then he admits he smoked pot, and now he says he did cocaine. Tomorrow he plans to admit he ripped the tag off of his mattress.

Not quite cured
Former New York Gov. Eliot “Keep the change” Spitzer is in a rehab facility that treats sex addicts. I don’t think it’s working, Spitzer told a friend it was a great place to meet hot and horny chicks.

What a country
Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams”? It depicts well how our founding fathers risked their lives and fortunes to give us a free government so that our elected representatives can troll airport bathrooms, have threesomes and go whoring.

Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams”? It must have been intimidating hanging around the founding fathers. “I’m a real estate broker. What do you do?” “I wrote the Declaration of Independence.”

Not quite as good
Can you imagine if the Declaration of Independence was written today? Instead of “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal” we’d have “The bottom-line is that thinking outside-the-box, human-wise, going forward at the end of the day it is a scenario that is what it is. Hold on, I have to take this call. Yo, Dude, what’s up?”

Not in 232 years
Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams”? It aptly depicts how vitally important it was for our country to ally with France for their military support to win the war. This also marks the first time in 232 years anyone has said the words; “How vitally important it was for our country to ally with France for their military support to win the war.”

Since you asked:

It’s the tenth anniversary of Viagra this week. Poor Libby Dole needs a vacation.


You want to know what is a surprisingly fun and interesting thing to do on a Saturday morning while you are drinking coffee and killing time procrastinating a work out? Go to iTunes, keyword CELEBRITY PLAYLISTS and hop around.

As the great Carl Spackler of “Caddy Shack” said “Let’s get in this dude’s pelt and crawl around a little bit and see what makes him tick.”

There are certain facts that popped out all at once. First, there are a hell of a lot of people who are considered celebrities who I have never heard of.

Second, the celebrities I do know of, their play lists fall into two distinct categories: Horribly disappointing and surprisingly good. Diablo Cody? Great. Fergie? Surprisingly good. Vince Vaughn? Who knew he was a country music fan, but he likes pretty good country music. Hugh Grant? Shockingly good. Did you know that he knew that Elton John’s “Daniel” is about a blind guy? I love that song, it played during our wedding reception and I did not know that.

Drew Barrymore, John Cusak and Jason Lee? Awful beyond words. Even their descriptions of their awful songs suck.

Paula Abdul? Really good, but I guess we are not totally surprised. Stevie Nicks? Crushingly disappointing. It is laden with Justin Timberlake.

One thing to take note of is that a lot of talented musicians have listed the Emmylou Harris version of Townes Vand Zandt song “Pancho and Lefty.”

My playlist if I was a celebrity?

“Tumblin’ Dice” This is a very fun and bouncy, summer, late-afternoon-get-ready-to-party joint, if I ever used the word joint, which I wouldn’t because any word that Randy Jackson uses I don’t. No offense, Dawg.

“Seven Bridges Road” Most of my life, my father, who was a great tenor singer, and I played an ongoing game of “No, your music sucks.” It stopped when he heard this song. When he passed and the company wanted their company car back, when I cleaned out the glove compartment, I found three Eagles tapes, “Eagles Live” “Hotel California” and “Best of the Eagles.”

“Crazy” with the Shawn Colvin’s version. A haunting warning.

“Layla”, The best song period. Who is going to argue?

“Hotel California” Elegantly describes the class and the sleaze of California.

“New York Minute” Great Henley lyrics captures the beauty and scariness of New York

“Midnight Rambler.” This shot to the top one Fall early Saturday morning in New York City when I was leaving my, um, "dates" apartment in So Ho and I sang it while strutting home with my coat thrown over my shoulder. And the harp jams.

“Let it Be” With the Clapton solo on guit-box, of course.

“Thrill is Gone” B.B. King. Love playing along on my harmonica. First song I learned how to play in third position.

“Call it a Loan” Jackson Browne is dark but awesome as is this song.

“Little Wing” You can hear the heartbreak of a lover who passed way too young, just like Jimi did.

“What is And Should Never Be” Because you gots to has you some Led, yo. (Don't even try not to play air guitar when it kicks in the power chords near the end)

“You Shook Me All Night” Because it rocks so G-damn frickin’ much as does . . .

“Alive” By Pearl Jam and so does . . .

“Honky Tonk Women” Because it is the best bar song in the world. We need more cowbell.

"Under The Bridge" By the Red Hot Chili Peppers. A "Rolling Stone" survey of the best rock songs of all time, that included, "Layla", "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and "Freebird" and "Stairway to Heaven" all had one thing in common: a fast and a slower part. So does this.

“Hallelujah” By Jeff Buckley. I would add this if I wasn’t so terrified of my buddy Stewie Dogs calling me gay for doing so. Oh, screw Stewie Dogs, I am putting it in, so suck it, Stewie Dogs. Besides, Stewie Dogs has "River" by Joni Mitchell, on his list so he can't talk. It's a great song, but Stewie, that is also gayer than a tofu meatball.

It could be worse, S.D., I could have included Braudah’s Iz’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Damn good, but gay, gay, gay.

This is my celebrity iTunes list. It probably has too many Stones - as if that is possible - is lacking in blues harmonica greats like Junior Wells's "Good Morning Lil' School Girl" and Little Walter's "Juke" and is missing some bands, like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and is sorely lacking of the Boss, Bruce Springsteen, whom I also love.

But it had to stop somewhere.

Check out your boy, Home Skillet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You got that right

Eliot Spitzer is going to investigate if he is a sex addict. If sexual addiction was really a disease I would have spent my sophomore year in college in intensive care.

Oh, so it was an honest mistake . . .

On Saturday, a U.S. Airways pilot accidentally discharged his handgun while landing in Charlotte N.C. It was a misunderstanding. When his co-pilot shouted “Take a shot” he meant tequila.

Do the math because he can’t

Steroid-squealer Jose Conseco wrote a book that claims he introduced Alex Rodriguez to a steroid dealer and that A-Rod hit on Jose’s then-wife. This is Conseco’s second book which brings the tally to two more books he’s written than he has read.

Good for him

How about this new Governor of New York, David Patterson? First he admits he had numerous affairs in a Days Inn, then he admits he smoked pot, and now he says he did cocaine. This guy may be legally blind, but that doesn’t stop him for spotting a good party.

Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it

A Brazilian madam said Eliot Spitzer paid to watch other people have sex; it was a little embarrassing when President Bush heard this story he said; “Wow, I know that Spitzer guy hired a lot of hookers but a Brazilian madams? That’s more than a million.”

Viva La France

The first lady of France, Carla Bruni, is furious that her first official visit to England coincides with the highly publicized auction of a nude photo of her. The photos are pretty suggestive. Let’s just say it gave me an Eiffel tower when I looked at Carla’s Champs Elysees.

Yuck

Surgeons at the University of California at San Diego created medical history by removing a man’s appendix through his mouth. Lucky for him he didn’t have hemorrhoids.

Or something like that

Hillary Clinton claimed on a 1996 celebrity trip to Bosnia, upon arriving, she had to duck sniper fire which witnesses said was not true. Now Hillary’s spokesperson said Hillary misspoke. Yeah, and Eliot Spitzer miss poked.

Lame Duck

Hillary Clinton claimed on a 1996 celebrity trip to Bosnia, upon arriving, she had to duck sniper fire which witnesses said was not true. Hillary claims it is true, she even remembers wearing her Kevlar pantsuit.

That’s sweet

In suburban Chicago, Aurora police busted a prostitution ring. The suburban Chicago hookers are a little different, afterwards they send you a nice handwritten thank you note.

Chillax Broheims and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That would do it
Eliot Spitzer is in rehab for sexual addiction and they cured him. You know how they cured him? They cut up his credit card.

Dicey
Hillary Clinton claimed on a 1996 trip to Bosnia, upon her arrival, Hillary bravely ducked sniper fire. But one of Hillary’s celebrity companions, comedian Sinbad, recalled no shots and no danger. You know your story is questionable when Sinbad is brought in as the voice of reason.

Happy Bunny Day
Did you have a good Easter? Our politicians celebrated Easter their usual way: Having sex like little bunnies and fertilizing eggs.

How hot was it?
It was hot on Easter. It was so hot in Sacramento, it felt good for the sex-scandal politicians when they turned the hoses on them.

Right man for the job
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury and misconduct stemming from a sex scandal. His political future in Detroit is bleak, but his chances of becoming a New York Governor are excellent.

Not catchy
Even with all the political sex scandals, I am not too sure about Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan: “Vote for Hillary: Nobody Gets Into Her Pantsuit..”

A sure sign
Rumor has it the New York Knicks are ready to fire coach/G.M Isaiah Thomas. It may be true, Thomas was running around the Knick back office doing some last minute sexual harassment groping.

I hate that stuff
Inmates in Vermont claim that prison officials are using food to punish them. For example on Wednesday’s Taco Night there is no more fresh guacamole. They’re using the packaged powdered stuff.

Uh, no son, that’s not, oh forget it
The UCLA Bruins face Western Kentucky Hilltoppers in the NCAA Men’s College Basketball tournament. It was a little awkward when they asked a Western Kentucky player about playing UCLA, he said; “My daddy is a Bruin. In fact, he’s a bruin some moonshine right now.”

Back home
Idaho Senator Larry Craig missed the deadline to file for re-election. Apparently Craig wants to spend more time with his hometown bus station restroom.


Since you asked:

Hillary Clinton claimed on a 1996 celebrity trip to Bosnia, upon arriving, she had to duck sniper fire. But one of Hillary’s companions, comedian Sinbad, recalled no shots. In fact, at the time, the only person getting shot at around a Clinton was, well, Monica.

(You know your story is questionable when Sinbad is brought in as the voice of reason.)

How typically “Clinton” is that story? We all have lied. Or, as our conscience likes to couch it, we all have embellished. As Mark Twain said;

“The truth is a valuable commodity, we must use it sparingly.” M.T.

A friend of mine, Ronnie-B, loves to embellish. He loves to embellish on about five stories about me from when we used to work together in La Jolla for Shearson Lehman. The problem is that he embellishes so much, and he combines several stories into one, and he adds so many features to make the stories funnier, and to make me look stupider, as if that were necessary, that the end result is a complete and total fabrication. In English, a bold-faced lie.

But Ronnie-B has told these stories so often for so long he honest-to-god thinks they are gospel. We’ve all done that. If you say you haven’t than you are either Pope Benedict or you are lying. Or both. (If he is reading, a shout-out to Pope Benedict XVI, or as we at a.L.b.b. call him, P. Benny Sweet Sixteen. Yo. Respect.)

But Hillary takes embellishing into a new Clinton-sphere. To bolster her image as a courageous diplomat, last week she tells a live audience, including the press, of how she bravely traveled to war-torn Bosnia and barely survived as sniper bullets whistled by her Hillary-Do’d head.

The problem? It turns out it was a very secure celebrity-laden cushy trip and one of the celebrities who was there, Sinbad, stated directly that Hillary was, well, not telling the truth.

So Hillary’s camp spews out a “misspoke” statement.

Apparently misspeaking is the new lying.

And while you mentioned it:
Saw the Demi Moore on Dave last night. (Well, not actually on Dave, so you can relax, Ashton) Now, I know we’ve all heard the “Gimme More” insults by aggrieved film crews who rail against Moore’s selfish and boorish behavior on set, but, for some reason, I tend to want to like the Demi Moore.

But I noticed that the Demi is really suddenly turning into a good ol’ gal. You know, with big bones, the rough barroom smoke-gruffy guffaw, on-the-back-of-a-motorcycle-a-lot skin and the sideways wink. If she keeps this up we may have too change Demi’s name to Betty, or Suse, or Sally, Dot or Deb.

And she will call us Honey.

We takin’ it low and slow down below, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Major League baseball is a week away. Gentlemen, start your injections.


It was hot on Easter, the guy in the bunny suit was sweating like Eliot Spitzer at the marriage counselor.


A recent NBA score was the Toronto Raptors 96, Miami Heat 54. At this point even the New York Knicks are making fun of the Miami Heat.


In the NCAA tournament West Virginia upset Duke; it was a little awkward, they asked how exciting this win was, a West Virginia player said it was like kissing his hot cousin.


Flamboyant-figure-skater Johnny Weir told the New York Times competitor Eric Lysacek’s style was "a little too fake" adding, "I just don't like him." Weir then hissed, licked his paw and spat up a fur ball.


Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury and misconduct stemming from a sex scandal. With all of these political sex scandals, say what you want about Ralph Nader, at least we know nobody will have a sex scandal with him.


Even with all the political sex scandals, I am not too sure about Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan: Vote for Hillary. She Hates Sex. Just Ask Bill.

Since you asked:

The contest is over. I am officially the last grown up in the United States to have a cell phone.(If I know you – specifically Snakes Mark, Billy and John - and you e-mail me, I will give you the number if you want it) lexkase@san.rr.com

So I get to talking to the guy at Verizon, turns out he is a big fan of the radio station show I write for here in San Diego so he tells me he is going text me so I can text him back the next time I have a joke on the air.

This was very exciting because – this is where I lose my teenage girl demographic which pretty much consists of Julia, rock on Miss J-Vooders – I have never text messaged before. Why would I? So I get the standard sales text from the Verizon company and then a “Send me a text when your jokes are on KGB” from the Verizon guy.

So I am fumbling around with my brand new cell phone trying to figure out how to address a text message. So my buddy's, “Juan”, (Kevin) number pops up so, being a dumb- dude- idiot- guy- jamoke, I sent "Juan" a brief text disparaging his sexuality quite graphically and specifically in terms of his choice of orally molesting barnyard animals. Specifically male barnyard animals. More specifically, goats. The problem?

I sent it to the Verizon guy by mistake.

Oops. Heh, heh.

Wouldn’t be shocked to see a large surcharge on my bill from Verizon.