We gonna open up the throttle, yeah, we gonna bust another bottle, yeah, you cain’t say yes and you cain’t say no, just be right there when the whistle blows, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Greatest road trip song ever, Rolling Stones “All Down the Line”)

How sore is he?
In the upcoming game against the San Diego Chargers, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has injuries to his sternum, his leg and a sports hernia. In fact, McNabb is sorer than Paris Hilton after fleet week.

Nice try, weasel
In Oklahoma City, a man convicted to 30 years in prison asked a judge for three more years added to his sentence so that it would match the number of his idol, Larry Bird, #33. In a related story, indicted house majority leader Tom DeLay announced his favorite player was Larry Bird’s teammate, Robert Parish, his number was 00.

She’s just getting warmed up
A survey reveals that the average person has sixteen hours of sex in a lifetime; in a related story, Paris Hilton is now on her fifteenth lifetime.

Or as Paris Hilton calls sixteen hours of sex: the weekend.

A survey reveals that the average person has sixteen hours of sex in a lifetime; which is about the same as one boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings.

Sleeping with the enemy
President Bush has declared war on pornography. To paraphrase cartoonist Al Capp, I have seen the enemy in the war on pornography and it is us.

President Bush has declared war on pornography. What happened to President Bush’s pledge to focus on the nation’s needs? With 10 billion a year spent on pornography, clearly this is one of the nation’s needs.

President Bush has declared war on pornography. This sent shock waves through the porn industry, that is until they thought about how Bush is doing in the war in Iraq, then it was greatly relieved.

President Bush has declared war on pornography. Advisors first suggested that Bush may want to focus on something more practical than a hugely futile war on pornography, so Bush said, “OK let’s get my approval ratings up.” The advisors then said; “Let’s get those filthy smut mongers.”
You had to see this one, um, coming
President Bush has declared war on pornography. This war on porn will be different than Iraq. The War on Porn insurgents won’t blow people up, they’ll just, well, you know . . .

Translation
This week, U2’s Bono met with President Bush at the White House and discussed debt relief, malaria, the impoverished and world trade. Or as that translated inside Bush’s head: banana, banana, banana and banana.

I think I know who it is
Lottery officials say the winner of the $340 million PowerBall hasn’t come forward yet but I think I know who the winner is. Today I told one of our writers to write something about Michael Jackson and he said “Ahh, go screw yourself joke boy.”

Roller Coaster. Say what? Roller Coaster. Say What? Roller Coaster, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Marinated with sautéed wild mushrooms
Sadly, a Rancho Santa Fe man died from injuries sustained from a deer attack in his backyard. Memorial services will be held today immediately followed by a reception featuring grilled venison.

Impressive
To prepare for a NASCAR movie, comedian Will Ferrell drove 135 mph with Richard Petty. His goal was to top Britney Spears 123 mph performance. Ferrell was unable, however, to beat Paris Hilton’s performance: Paris didn’t drive faster, but she could shift the gears with her mouth.

Get it?
In an interview with “Sixty Minutes” Michael Jordan admitted being stupid in his gambling. How stupid? His favorite game is 22.

The right guy for the job
The NBA has a new strict dress code, no bling, no gangsta’ wear, no backward caps. And the NBA is serious about this, to show the players how to dress like a dorky white guy they hired an expert: Al Gore.

New meaning to rub some funk on it
A British company is developing a way for breast implants to store and replay music; in a related story, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is launching a side career as a dance DJ.

Long time ago
The Houston Astros will face the Chicago White Sox in the World Series. The Chicago White Sox haven’t won a World Series since 1917. To show how long ago that was, in 1917 Joan Rivers hadn’t even had any cosmetic surgery.

Nice try
David Copperfield claims he is going to get a woman pregnant on stage without touching her. In a related story, a judge told Copperfield; “Nice try, but you still have to pay the palimony.”

We can only hope
The Pentagon reports they have captured Osama Bin Laden’s barber. And not to get everyone’s hopes up, but they are also reportedly closing in on Osama’s Palates instructor.

More or less
President Bush has declared war on pornography. Luckily for Bush, this war comes with its own exit strategy of about two minutes.

Badabing
How do you fight the war on pornography? With an Army of one hand.

Lifelike
Have you seen this Earth Google.com. You can type in an address and it will zoom in from a satellite view of that very spot. It’s amazing. I zoomed into Central Park so close I actually got mugged.

Have you seen this Earth Google.com? You can type in an address and it will zoom in from a satellite view of that very spot. It’s amazing. You can zoom into Paris so close you can actually smell the Parisians.’

Wiiiiillllmaaaaaa
Hurricane Wilma looks pretty scary. To give you an idea how scary, hurricane Wilma blew down the backyard fence when chatting to hurricane Betty Rubble.

The name game
There have been so many hurricanes this season they are running out of names. In fact, the next hurricane will be known as the hurricane formerly known as hurricane.

The Name Game 2
Rapper Sean Combs has been called Puff Daddy, Sean “Puffy” Combs, P. Daddy, P. Diddy and now he says he wants to be known as just Diddy. And next month he wants to be called the artist formerly known as Diddy.

Trust me on this one
Saddam Hussein’s trial continues. It doesn’t look good for Saddam but he did receive some good news. Saddam won the annual “Angel” Martin from “Rockford Files” look-alike contest.

Oh we got the for shizzle badizzle on the kabizzle with the flumizzle for rezi. . . oh who am I kidding Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Astros Have A Bad Case of the Bird Flew
The St. Louis Cardinals rallied to come back and beat the Houston Astros. With only one strike left in the Ninth behind two runs, the Houston Astros had as much chance of coming back as Ted Williams.

The St. Louis Cardinals rallied to come back and beat the Houston Astros by a dramatic home run by Albert Pujols. This feat will go a long way to help make up for going through life with a last name of Pujols.

That would explain it
An article that will be published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation claims that smoking marijuana can actually stimulate brain growth. This explains why Miami Dolphins Ricky Williams’ helmet is now a size 12.

Vikings will be Vikings
17 of the Minnesota Vikings are in trouble over a wild drunken hooker-laden sex boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Incidentally, Minnetonka is a Native American word that means “Don’t bother knockin if this boat’s rockin’.”

17 of the Minnesota Vikings are in trouble over a wild drunken hooker-laden sex boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka. The Vikings are facing charges of lewd conduct, public drunkenness and impersonating Bill Clinton.

Pretty cool
Have you seen this Earth Google.com? It is amazing. You can type in an address and it will zoom in from a satellite photo above that very spot. It’s amazing. On Wilshire Blvd in Beverley Hills, you can actually see the skid marks left by Lindsay Lohan.

Have you seen this Earth Google.com? It is amazing. You can type in an address and it will zoom in from a satellite photo above that location. In fact, if you type in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., you can zoom in on the White House and you can actually see the smoke coming from President Bush’s ears.

Have you seen this Earth Google.com? It is amazing. You can type in an address and it will zoom in from a satellite photo above that location. In fact, if you type in Paris Hilton’s address, you can see the line of guys waiting outside her front door.

Have you seen this Earth Google.com? It is amazing. You can type in an address and it will zoom in from a satellite photo above that location, If fact, if you type in the Clinton’s Chappaqua, New York house, you can actually see the frosty air coming from Hillary’s bedroom.

We gonna get us some of the get some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Uh, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
In reviewing Harriet Miers’s writing, many of her letters to President Bush were fawning and obsequious. It was awkward though, when they asked President Bush if he thought Miers letters were obsequious, Bush said; “No, they were English, I don’t speak Obsequia.”

Good move
An article that will be published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation claims that smoking marijuana can actually stimulate brain growth. In a related story, President Bush has decided to drop Harriet Miers and nominate Snoop Dog to the Supreme Court.

Feeling old now
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” Now, I don’t want to imply that Sly is getting too old to be Rocky, but instead of punching huge sides of frozen beef, Rocky just pulls out the hairs in the meatloaf at the early bird special.

Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” Now, I don’t want to imply that Sly is getting too old to be Rocky, but instead of chugging raw eggs, Rocky just has a tiny sip of eggbeaters.

Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” This one is titled “Rocky 6: A Fight to Remember Where the Hell I Parked.”

In this one a huge fight breaks out when Rocky’s nemesis tries to change the channel at the rest home from “Matlock” re-runs to “Wheel of Fortune.”

Jeeze
A 39-year-old Arkansas woman had her 16th child. Even their pet rabbit Humpy said; ‘C’mon you two, give it a rest, will yah?”

Well?
There is a new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig. However critics demand to know if Craig has ever slept with a beautiful counter-spy, drank four shaken vodka martinis and then beat up a bad guy while wearing a tuxedo? Or is he just another President Bush crony appointment?

Early Migration
It has been raining like crazy back east. In New York, it is so wet and dreary that Donald Trump’s toupee flew south for the winter.

Oh, and that other thing
Barbara Walters interviewed the new King of Saudi Arabia and he admitted that the Saudi people have disagreements with the United States. The disagreements are over women’s rights, oil prices and, oh, yeah, we kind of don’t like that whole Saudi’s-supporting-terrorists thing.

Are you in a well?
This week President Bush had a teleconference with several soldiers in Iraq. It took the first ten minutes for the soldiers to convince the President that they were on speaker phone and not, in fact, down in a well.

Uh, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it 2
The US and Mexican military have announced that they are planning joint operations to reduce the sale of drugs into the U.S. When informed, President Bush exclaimed, “How the heck are they going to reduce drugs with a darn joint operation?”

Wake up call
Mary-Kate Olsen has dropped out of New York University. Mary-Kate decided to quit when she was up late writing an economic paper and suddenly she discovered that, in economic terms, she is a freakin’ billionaire.

On the pills again
Radio host Rush Limbaugh complained that he should be included with Bono, George Clooney, and former President Clinton, on the list of Alpha male yet sophisticated Ubersexuals. So, apparently, Rush is back on the OxyContin whacky pills again.

Sounds familiar
Tropical Storm Wilma broke the record for a hurricane season. Tropical Storm Wilma then locked out hurricane Fred Flintstone when he went outside to let out the hurricane Sabertooth tiger.

Retro-sexual
First there were Metro Sexuals, now Men’s Vogue has announced ubersexuals, refined yet masculine men. Remember, ubersexuals are not to be confused with Hoover-sexuals, those are men who simply suck at sex.

Secret Weapon
The US and Mexican military have announced that they are planning joint operations to reduce the sale of drugs into the U.S. In a related story, the US Army would like to unveil their new weapon to get rid of a lot of drugs. Introducing: Brigadier General Kate Moss.

Trojans on the Long Horns
USC and Texas are alone atop the college football BCS ratings and could play and in championship although the schools are very different.

Here are the Top Ten Differences between USC and Texas.
10, At Texas you worry about getting hit by a tornado. At USC you worry about getting hit by Lindsay Lohan. Advantage: USC

9, USC has a running back who’s hard to tackle named Bush. Texas had a governor named Bush who had a hard time tackling math. Advantage: USC

8, USC has a sexually suggestive team name: The Trojans. Texas has a sexually suggestive team name: The Long Horns. Advantage: Texas.

7, Texas has barbeques, USC has Toga parties. Advantage: Budweiser

6, USC’s mascot is a horse name Traveler. Texas mascot is a Steer named BEVO. Have you ever tried to Barbeque a horse? Advantage: Texas

5, This isn’t a Texas, USC thing, but do those women on “The View” ever shut up?

4, USC Quarterback Matt Leinhart has Nick Lechay crashing on his couch. Guys at Texas have downloads of Jessica Simpson crashing their hard drives. Advantage: Texas.

3, USC is in a blue state. Texas is in a red state. The Minnesota Vikings are in a state of disarray. Advantage: Green Bay Packers.

2, USC is in an urban area. Texas is in an area with urban cowboys. Advantage: John Travolta.

1, Texas is subjected to dust storms, flash floods, scorpions, rattle snakes, swarming killer bees and scorching summer heat. USC is in Los Angeles and is therefore subjected to Joan Rivers.
Advantage: Texas

Long Time Gone
The last time the Chicago White Sox were in the World Series was 1959. In 1959 there were no color televisions, General Dwight D. Eisenhower was president and Cher had just announced her first Farewell tour.