What? Say what? Oh no, not like that it not, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What is happening to people?
A Belgian Nun was reprimanded by her Mother Superior for dancing too provocatively at a festival. You can catch it on the DVD “Nuns Gone Wild.”

Huh?
Researchers say repeated daydreaming and an inactive brain can lead to dementia and severe memory loss. In a related story, did you hear the one about . . . shoot, I forgot the joke.

That explains it
“Charmed” star actress Alyssa Milano has dated Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano, Oakland pitcher, Barry Zito, and now she is seeing Dodgers ace Brad Penny. Interestingly, the name Alyssa Milano in Italian roughly translates to “Bring the high hard heat.”

Or
“Charmed” star actress Alyssa Milano has dated Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano, Oakland pitcher, Barry Zito, and now she is seeing Dodgers ace Brad Penny. This explains why Alyssa Milano keeps a rosin bag by her nightstand.

Watch out
Gas is out the roof, the Stones are on tour and Joan Baez is protesting our involvement in a foreign war. Experts say if these trends continue it could cause the break up of the Beatles.

Snoop ball
Rapper Snoop Doggy Dog is running an Orange County youth football league. “Are you ready for some Footballizzy?”


Rapper Snoop Doggy Dog is running an Orange County youth football league. The three leading contenders are the Dana Point Doobies, the Brea Bling Blings and the Huntington Beach ‘Ho’s.

Updated
TV Evangelist Pat Robertson apologized for calling for the assassination of Venezuela President Hugo Chavez. Robertson was under the mistaken impression the sixth commandment had been amended to “Thou shall not kill but it’s OK to outsource a hit.”


So sorry for this one
Iraqi constitution is being negotiated to include the Sunni’s the Shiites and the Baath Parties. So the Iraqi constitution is sort of like a cowboy after a long cattle drive: “Sunni’s gotta take a Shiite and a Baath.”

That is so, so wrong.

Since you asked:
We San Diegans are very excited about our Rancho Buena Vista Little League World Series team. Little League baseball is simpler than the Majors: No steroids, no big egos, no infighting and the only financial negotiations are if they are or are not getting a Diary Queen after the game.

Since you asked, again:
As I am not right very often, when I am I have to toot my own horn, which should not be confused with what Dick Pound of WADA does.

Did I or did I not say that the big losers of the steroid testing would be older pitchers? A slugger without his ‘roids (See: Sammy Sosa. 14 total homers this year. 20 in June in 1998) is or is not going to hit a homer. But pitchers have the radar gun on them constantly and they are still trying to bring it at 95 mph without ‘roids. The young and athletic pitchers are surviving, barely, but the old guys, Kurt Schilling, Randy Johnson, Kenny Rogers and now Roger Clement are busting down like old Jalopies steaming up the Sierras.

Steroids allow aging athletes to extend the use of their fast-twitch muscle fibers way past their normal lifespan. British 100m sprinter Linford Christie was able to compete on a world class and Olympic level into his forties until he tested positive for steroids. Without 'roids, that don't happen.

Skullduggery and Scallywaggery abound, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lap this
Paris Hilton got rid of her little dog Tinkerbell; actually it wasn’t really Paris’s decision. Tinkerbell is a lap dog and E.P.A. declared Paris’s lap a toxic area.


Paris Hilton got rid of her little dog Tinkerbell; apparently Paris heard Tinkerbell had been seen hanging around with Nicole Richey.

Same thing
Madonna is recovering from several fractures from a riding accident. Madonna was an inexperienced rider on a thoroughbred and was thus described as being over-horsed. Sort of like when she used to date Dennis Rodman.


NASA announced they are going to the moon, gas prices are out the roof, the Stones are on tour and Joan Baez is protesting U.S. involvement in a foreign war. That’s it, I’m digging out my earth shoes, pucca shell necklace and my yellow smiley face “Have a Nice Day” t-shirt.


Experts predict if these trends don’t change, we could be headed to a true catastrophe: Another polyester infested disco era.

Or

Experts predict if these trends don’t change, we could be headed to a true catastrophe: An ABBA comeback.


When did “That 70’s Show” become about the future? Suddenly I can’t get the Bee Gee’s “Stayin Alive”out of my head.

Since you asked:
OK, I am a bold man about to make a bold decision. Pickles are back on my cheeseburgers.

(Take a second to absorb this if you have to)

No, I know, pickle slices were off for a while after I decided they were too much of a distraction. But pickles compliment the burger meat very well. And I am going with grilled onion slices instead of sautéed.

I know, that’s a lot of information to take in at once, but there it is.

Just wondering:
What kind of song is “Hotel California”? It isn’t a hard rocker even though it has awesome guitar solos. It’s not the blues. It’s not quite Spanish or Country. It’s not really a ballad. I say on the surface it is a traveling song deeply layered with biting social commentary.

Lex's observation of the day:
When did it become a rule that all TV and movie promo narrators have to sound like Nick Nolte after he gargles with nails?

I would like to amend some notable Winnetka nicknames from the last post:

It should be Jeffery "John Henry" Lipe, and James “Taco Eddie" Cook.

Let's rub some funk on this here throwdown jam, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Oui oui
The French press is once again accusing Lance Armstrong of using performance enhancing drugs based on urine samples from 1999. I’m sure Lance would be happy to provide the French press with a more recent urine sample; it would be fun for Lance to pee all over them for a change.

Who keeps urine around for seven years? Oh, yeah, the French.

Pound, Dick Pound
The Chairman of WADA, the World Anti Doping Agency, Dick Pound, is calling for an investigation into the latest French doping allegations against Lance Armstrong. Is it just me or does anyone else find it odd that the head of WADA is a guy named Dick Pound?

“And you are?”

“Dick Pound, head of WADA.”

“Yeah, hi, Dick Pound head of WADA, uh, mind if I don’t shake hands? I think I’m catching something.”

Maybe not
The Chairman of the World Anti Doping Agency, a Mr.Dick Pound, is calling for an investigation into the latest French doping allegations against Lance Armstrong. And Lance’s people are in support of the Chairman of WADA. At least I think that’s what they meant when they said; “Go Pound, Dick.”

Just wondering
The Chairman of the World Anti Doping Agency, a Mr. Dick Pound, is calling for an investigation into the latest French doping allegations against Lance Armstrong. Is it just me or does anyone else find it odd that the head of WADA is a guy named Dick Pound? Wasn’t Peter Spank available?

I know a guy
TV Evangelist Pat Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Isn’t Robertson a minister? How does that work? “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name, let’s get Roscoe to disappear this guy. And make it look like an accident. Amen.”

TV Evangelist Pat Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Congratulations, Pat, you have now moved into second place for Scariest Religious Figure behind Osama bin Laden.

TV Evangelist Pat Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Isn’t Robertson a minister? How does that work? “Our Father, who art in heaven, hollow-point be thy name . . .”

Hard to do
The Mother of Michael Jackson’s accuser has been charged with welfare fraud. That is really saying something when you can end up out sleazeing Michael Jackson.


And now, S’s and N’s, here is a brand new feature all the good people here at A.l.b.b. like to call:

Name dropper or proud of his hometown? You decide.

The list of famous folks from my quaint little suburban Chicago village of Winnetka is long and illustrious. Ann Margaret, Bruce Dern, Rock Hudson (When Rock’s mom re-married they lived in our house on Elm street two tenants before us. Saw a documentary on Rock where he walked up to our door with a camera crew and reporters in tow and knocked, but, alas, we weren’t home. Keep the jokes to yourself) Virginia Madson, Adam Baldwin (My pal Ricky Horchner and I used to pick on Adam -just teasing mostly, no violence - when he was a little kid until he ratted us out to his older brother who would then promptly beat us up. Lord he was a brat) Donald Rumsfeld (I was good friends in grade school with his namesake and godchild, Donald Ramsey. Unfortunately for Donny, he asked me to cover his paper route when he was on vacation and I decided to take one day off) Scott Turow, and Chris O’Donnell, Liz Phair. I will also include Bill Murray (His younger brother John and I were fairly good friends and football teammates. One time we, took a, uh, break from Mr. Gahalla’s Reading Development -remember speed reading? - class and came back smelling like “The Simpsons” school bus driver Otto’s Army jacket, giggling our heads off) and John and Joan Cusack, even though they are from the next town over, Wilmette.

But can any of those people craft and hone a perfect Dick Pound joke? No. So I guess we at least have that much in common. Which is nice.

P.S. Not to mention such Winnetka notables as “Lil’” Jeffery Lipe, James “Woody” Woods, William “G@! Willy” Volkmann, Rob “Dirty Apples” Apatoff, Scott “Theo” Wetterston, and James “He’s known” Cook. I think “Good Eddie” Edward Walsh was from Glencoe, just like his “special” classmates, Raymond “Hi Ray” Delphenis and Brian “Ask me if I care” Palmer.

Psst. Those Glencoe children were just a little, well, let’s say unique in their needs. But we cared for them and liked them just as if they were normal people. Enough said.

Lex vents, #789
Where is the rule written that every time I go into the locker room at my gym there has to be an old guy standing in front of my locker giving a scrotum drying clinic? Why is it that every time I go to use a workout station, there is an A-hole taking a nap that can’t seem to fathom that the “Allow members to work in between sets” sign just above their heads does apply to them? And the weasels that have to fill up their entire water bottles at the fountain while I am standing in back of them waiting for a sip? Huh? What the hell?

And why is it that whenever I need to pick up something at the grocery store, there is a person standing right in front of whatever I need apparently trying to memorize the ingredients listed?

And what is the deal with the long slow diagonal parking lot walkers? And the folks physically unable to get out of the way of busy public entry ways? And the take-care-of-people-who-call-while-making-the-people-there-in-person-wait clerks?

I would like to also add bartenders with sticky bars. My new pet peeve. When you put your elbows and forearms on a bar and they stick because the person who was there before you was apparently a spastic Mai Tai drinker -orgeat syrup is the world's stickiest substance - and the bartender was too lazy to wipe up.

Oh, and religious figures who promote murder.


Poor Wrigley

If you follow this blog- and if you do, I’m eternally sorry – you know that we have two yellow labs, Wrigley and Kasey. Near as I can tell, the big guy upstairs wanted us to get Wrigley so we would finally appreciate what a good dog Kasey has been.

Kasey is the older dog with a perpetual worried Golden Honey Bear facial expression that seems to say; “I know it. This is the day I will never eat again, I can feel it.”

Wrigley is the three-year-old whiter yellow lab with longer ears and jowls that give him a hound doggy face with the expression that seems to say; “Huh?” Wrigley treats every morning, when he gets fed, like he is a five-year-old boy in footy P.J.’s on Christmas morning and every night, when he gets fed, like it's his surprise birthday party.

Two days ago, Wrigley got bitten by something that caused his face to swell to the point where we called him Shar-Pai for a day.

Now he is rubbing his face raw. Against bushes, with his paws. What can I do? I took him to the Vet for a $200 15 minute visit. They gave him shots of cortisone and steroids and a pain reliever. He is still rubbing his eyes to the point where his eyebrows are two raw, red, oozing patches.

It is hard to save someone from themselves even when you love them dearly.

Big props for the mad hops up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Too bad
Madonna was released from the hospital after suffering numerous fractures from a bad riding fall. Sadly, this is the closest thing Madonna has had to a big hit in a long time.

After an investigation, horse experts have determined the reason the horse bucked Madonna. The night before, the horse had rented “Swept Away.”

Madonna was released from the hospital after suffering numerous fractures from a bad riding fall. Her riding friends first thought Madonna was just acting like she was hurt, then they remembered, oh yeah, she can’t act. She must be hurt.

Madonna fell so hard it temporarily knocked out her phony British accent.

New and improved
Bowflex has come out with the new Bowflex Revolution. It has over 135 different exercises you can do. And, more importantly, you can hang three times as many clothes on it.

Not good
The Kansas City Royals lost 19 games in a row. Just three away from the American League losing streak record 21. Three loses is nothing for them, the Royals once lost three games during a doubleheader.

They don’t just stink, they stink Royally.

The Kansas City Royals ended their losing streak at 19 games in a row. Apparently President Bush isn’t the only person who decided to take the entire month off.

The Kansas City Royals ended their losing streak at 19 games in a row. How bad are the Royals? On hot days, fans go to the game just to feel the breeze generated from when they suck.

The Kansas City Royals lost 19 games in a row. If the Royals lose many more they’ll have no choice but to appoint Pauly Shore as their mascot.

As low as it gets
On his show “Minding the Store” Pauly Shore confesses he is a sex addict and said he used to partake in sex with groupies. When asked to comment, one of Pauly’s former sex partners suddenly screamed; “Oh my god, I was a groupie for Pauly Shore.”


Whoa
Bill Clinton turned 59 last week. He celebrated by turning a 69.

Horse with no name
The CDC is on the lookout for a batch of heroin that contains a harmful additive. As opposed to that healthy and natural heroin that’s normally out there.

You don’t want those heroin addicts to take anything that’s bad for them, you know what health nuts they are. “Hey, before I inject this rusty needle into my eyeball, how do I know this heroin doesn’t have additives?”

When it rains
The Gaza evacuation is complete. More bad news for the Israeli’s: Now it looks like they aren’t getting their cleaning deposit back.

A while ago
The Rolling Stones launched their “Bigger Bang” tour in Boston. The first time the Stones played in Boston, the locals got so excited they threw boxes of tea in the harbor.

It will hit the fan
The majority Shiite Muslims want to push the Iraq constitution through but the Sunni’s want it stalled. No joke there, I just like to write the word Shiite.

It just goes to show you, when it comes to constitutions, Sunni or later, Shiite happens.

The following conversation took place Saturday.

“Daddy, I won a game.”

“Great, Ann Caroline. What was the game?”

“Sorry.”

“I said, what was the game?”

(Very confused) “Sorry.”

“The game. What was it?”

This could have gone on for a while. Finally Ann Caroline said;

“Sorry. That was what was what game I won.”

It's like living with a little blonde Abbott and Costello.