Friday, March 16, 2012

The gentle giant on “American Idol,” Germaine Jones, was kicked off for having five outstanding warrants. They should have suspected a problem from the songs he sang; “I Shot the Sheriff”, “Folsom Prison Blues” and “I Fought the Law.”

In Florida a sex scandal has rocked the entire Yoga industry. A sex scandal in a practice that involves hot, half-naked women in a hot room who can stick their feet behind their heads? Who could have imagined such a thing?

Almost as shocking as a sex scandal in the porn industry.

A new book on Tiger Woods by his former swing coach, Hank Haney, had some insights. For example, Woods was so cheap, Haney felt uncomfortable asking for a popsicle. But Tiger was a handyman. He even caulked tile. In fact, after a while, whenever Tiger saw a hole he would put his caulk in it.

(Assist Jimmy Fallon)

Laird Hamilton SUP Trick Compilation - Hanalei Grass Shack Productions

Laird making us look lamer than a skinny guy in a straw hat eating a banana on a train.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Mick Jagger & Jimmy Fallon Reflection in Mirror SNL Dec 8 2001.MP4

Moves Like Jagger (Explicit)

They gettin’ stinky down in Hinkytown, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Has everyone completed their brackets for March Madness? Kim Kardashian has Gonzaga in the Semis, but in her case it’s an STD.

Japanese inventors have produced a gun that can silence people from 30 meters; it has worked well in testing, but now they are going to try it on the ultimate target: “The View.”

A West LA little league was saved by a $1,200 donation by a strip club; so the next game features the Westchester STD’s versus the Lennox Chlamydia’s.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a dildo is a type of pickle.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Cincinnati Bow tie is a Bow Tie from Cincinnati

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a hand-job is manual labor.

Mitt Romney is having a hard time campaigning in the South; when offered collard greens Mitt said; “Excuse me, the term is African American greens.”

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a massage happy ending is when he doesn’t have to give a tip.

Ron Paul is having a tough time campaigning in the South; it brings back all the bad memories of when he fought in the Civil War.

March Madness is here and Harvard is in the NCAA tournament, but UCLA is not. That is like a hot dog eating contest where Joey Chestnut is replaced by Ashley Olsen.

Since you asked:

Here is one thing I can tell you about the NCAA tournament. Although Long Beach is not my favorite town, Long Beach State’s team is a bunch of bracket busters. The snooty East coast and the know-it-all Midwest hoops experts know ti-ti, very little, about the Beach. That Casper Ware is a beast and flat out beat up on my beloved UCSB Gauchos.

Look for an upset over Louisville and maybe more.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

This just in: Ron Paul is having a tough time campaigning in the South. It is bringing back all those painful memories of when he fought in the Civil War.

Stand Up Paddleboards

Laird Hamilton Big Surf Hanalei Bay - Charging Stand Up

A rrrrioot eish unt ugly ziiiiing*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mitt Romney got the endorsement of comedian Jeff Foxworthy. If you vote for president based on what Jeff Foxworthy says? You may be a redneck.

The candidates are campaigning hard in the South. Mitt Romney doesn’t exactly fit-in in the South. Mitt thinks grits is an STD.

In LA, a little league was saved by a donation from a strip club; the next game features the Brandiis versus the Jasmines.

In Denver, a policeman was arrested for beating his girlfriend because she hit him with a Justin Bieber doll because she wouldn’t change her Facebook status to in-a-relationship. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us.

Since you asked:

Saw “The Descendants” last night and thought it was very good. The “Sideways” director did his thing of contrasting the eye-popping beauty of a gorgeous place with the everyday grittiness of regular life.

When you see a movie directed by Woody Allen, his movies are a love letter to whatever city it is in, New York or Paris. Each shot is an artistic Chamber of Commerce promotion.

And then there are the opposite like the guy who directed "Cutter's Way" which takes place in one of the most beautiful towns in the US, Santa Barbara, but only shows barrios and broken down tract homes and seedy bars.

This "Sideways" Alexander Payne guy uses both really well.

Thought the actress who played Alex, Shailene Woodley, was amazing. Prettier than Kristen Stewart, but actually able to act. Tough role. From snippy spoiled beyatch to growing up in front of our eyes. George Clooney really nutted-up on this one.

Now, Lord knows I loves me some Laird Hamilton, but his brief cameo was so bad it was almost great. If this had been a great actor acting like a horrible actor, like Julianne Moore in “Boogie Nights,” it would have been impressive.

But it wasn’t. Laird was acting like somebody had a gun to his head. That guy is an amazing waterman, father, husband, fitness guru, nutrition expert, handiman.

Let's not put actor in there.

Saw a lot of Hanalei Bay stand up paddle board bros, like Dave Parmenter and dah kine Waaddaahhman himself, Brian Keaulana, in the cast filling out as Clooney's King cousins.

*"Young Frankenstein" Inspector Kemp.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Emmylou Harris : Pancho & Lefty (1977)

Remove the fear of death and amazing power will come to your life.

Monday, March 12, 2012

These Aussies have got them some stones down under

Tiger Woods had to drop out of the Cadillac Championship due to a sore Achilles heel; and here I thought Tiger’s Achilles heel was Hooter’s waitresses.

Happy Birthday to the Oreo cookie, it is 100 today; the Twinkie is 82. The problem is there are Twinkies that are actually 82.

Since you asked:

Read about Lenny Dysktra in “SI”. Not to brag, but I called this. When they were running “60 Minutes” segments on what a brilliant investor and businessman Dykstra was, I smelled a big steroid and coke-addled idiot rat.

Always hated Dykstra and not just because he was a Met. He personified to me what was wrong with baseball – and our society – in the Eighties. Baseball will never recover from those ‘roided-out and coked up a-holes like Dykstra, Darren Daulton, Darryl Strawberry and Jose Conseco.

And yet Strawberry had real talent.

All of us who partook of the Eighties got some of that putrid self-indulgent goo splattered on our yellow power ties and our Madonna hair scrunchies. The perfect storm of artificially pumped up, no-talent 80’s egomania was when Conseco had a fling with Madonna.

Lenny Dyskstra was an ugly little troll with nasty brown chew-juice leaking out of his smug, fat face. Now it turns out he was even sleazier than he looked.

When did a law pass that requires Kristen Chenowith to be on and in everything? She is a talented and cute little thing, but my god she is as overexposed right now as Shania Twain in 1996.

Amazing Saturday.

8:30 AM, put Virg in van to Mammoth for girls trip.

9:15, surf Torrey Pines. Put the tore in Torrey with four lefts and five rights.

11:30, Myers and pineapple while waiting on fish tacos to go from Fish Market in Del Mar.

Eat tacos drink Stone ale while watching the goofers on TV. Nap and golf-watching.

Words with Friends, glass of wine.

AC gets picked up at 4:30 for a slumber party. Though I try, I cannot get them to agree to take Wrigley.

Grill perfect medium rare filet mignon for an awesome steak sandwich on French roll. Watch UCSB hang tough, but lose to Long Beach State. No losers. Long Beach won the game, UCSB did not have to go back and live in Long Beach.

Watched “Young Adult” on Demand.