Are you ready for this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The last place New York Mets fired the manager, Bobby Valentine. It wasn't all Valentine's fault. It's tough to win when you team gets more hits off a bong than opposing pitchers.

Could you believe that wild scene in the New York Yankees Anaheim Angels game? Tawny Kitaen ripped off her shirt, tore out on the field, and beat the living snot out of her ex-husband, Angel pitcher Chuck Finley.

Over a year ago, I got tired of being the only struggling comedy writer without a script, so I wrote one. And get this: I just finished it. "Room to Move." The log line is this: A heroically underachieving Santa Barbara stock broker convinces his windsurfing buddies to invest in a get-rich-quick stock scheme. The goal is to make so much money that they can quit their dead-end jobs and pursue their dreams as artists.

To be candid, with all due modesty, it ain't bad. They have definitely filmed worse. (See "Glitter") The story is good and moves along well; the characters are interesting, likeable and funny; the action shots are rousing, and it has a suspenseful twist at the end. It ain't going to make anyone forget about "Ben Hur", but then "Ben Hur" didn't have Rolling Stones songs and shots of windsurfing, now did it? And I don't want to hear that "If they say the music is good, the movie stinks" stuff, (this means you, Ray) the music is also good.

(By the way, any real life producers out there who want to look at it, feel free to email me.)

For kicks and giggles I submitted it to HBO's "Project Greenlight" Since it would be cheap to make - it is in present time, there are no explosions, and nobody dies. But I might as well expect to buy a winning lottery ticket and then have an airplane part land on my head. There are over 10,000 contestants.

Oh well, I just submitted it to "Project Greenlight" ( 12 hours before the deadline) and now I am too tired to write any jokes. So, in case you didn't know, Anna Nicole Smith is a national embarrassment and I hope Martha Stewart fries. Or at least sauté’s.

Here is the good news: The ozone hole over Antarctica is markedly smaller this year than in the last few years. The bad news. The Ozone hole over Anna Nicole Smith is bigger than ever.

Aww, come on Slats and Nuggies, you didn't think I could actually go entire days without an Anna Nicole Smith joke, did you?

Are you ready for some football, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


In his upcoming book, New York Mayor Rudolph Gulliani said he told President Bush that he wanted to kill Osama bin Laden if he was caught. And if Bush had said yes, Gulliani would have asked if he could also kill his ex-wife, Donna.

Remember the flap about Tiger Woods saying; “I can think of a million reasons why winning the American Express tournament (he got a million dollars ) is better than the Ryder Cup”? Now Tiger is saying it was a joke. This means I can actually hit something better than Tiger Woods: a punch line.

The baseball playoffs start Tuesday. Extra security measures are being taken so that Tawny Kitaen can’t run on to the field and beat a first base coach. Rumor has it in Chicago that the Cubs are going to dump their first baseman Fred McGriff. Good. Not to be too harsh, but that nutty American Taliban Dude did a better job for our army than McGriff did for the Cubs.

Yes folks, baseball’s post season is underway. The only good news for Chicago fans? The Cubs cannot lose another game for the rest of the season.

Glasgow University scientists in Scotland found that modest amounts of alcohol will make the opposite sex appear better-looking. This is true. Once Ted Kennedy didn’t realize the bar had a mirror behind it and he was so drunk, he hit on himself.

Kentucky Fried Chicken is offering a hot and fresh breast meal. You want to see a restaurant make a lot of money? Have Hooter’s offer a hot and fresh breast meal.

Troubled Minnesota Vikings receiver Randy Moss dropped four passes in the end zone in their 48-23 loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Those balls were dropping like traffic agents off the hood of Moss’s car. After dropping one end zone pass that hit him in the side, Moss angrily gestured to the quarterback Dante Culpepper, that the pass should have been a few inches farther in front of him. I mean come on, let’s be fair, Randy Moss it’s not like Moss is getting paid enough to actually reach for a pass. Randy Moss dropped so many balls he was named an honorary member of the New York Mets.

The Minnesota Vikings lost 48-23 loss to the Seattle Seahawks. The game wasn’t even as close as the score would indicate. How bad was it? That Kansas City Royals first base coach did better against the shirtless father and son. The Seahawks Shaun Alexander scored five touchdowns. It took the equipment manager hours to scrape off all the end zone paint off of Alexander's cleats. Or as the Houston Texans call five toucdowns, a good season.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Cincinnati Bengals 35 to 7 in Cincinnati. The Bengals were so bad, the fans passed the hat to pay a father and son team to beat up Bengals coach Dick LeBeau.

The U.S. lost the Ryder Cup to Europe in England. U.S.’s Phil Mickelson failed to come through on Sunday. In other equally shocking sports news, the New York Yankees made the playoffs. Near the end, Paul Azinger holed an amazing trap shot to keep U.S. hopes alive. And then Jim Furyk very nearly did the same thing. Our guys were better in the sand the Afghan army.

The San Diego Chargers beat the New England Patriots 21 –14. Could you believe all the of the official time-outs and challenged calls? They were more annoying than a person who pronounces Jaguar with three syllables.

A published report said an assistant at Merrill Lynch & Co. has agreed to plead guilty to a misdemeanor and testify against Martha Stewart. Martha is in trouble. Today on her show Martha cooked her own goose.

A study in the New England Journal of Medicine claims that men who look at women’s breasts every day for ten minutes will have lower blood pressure and live longer than those who don’t. Today my gym was converted into a Hooter’s restaurant. And you thought there was a line for the treadmill? Just wait until the gym offers naked breasts.