Friday, October 17, 2014

President Obama has named Ron Klain as the Ebola Czar. Because, if Russia’s history has taught us anything, if you want things to go really well, appoint a Czar. 

It is going to be an exciting World Series between the San Francisco Giants and the Kansas City Royals. And Neil Patrick Harris is going to be the host.

President Obama has named Ron Klain as the Ebola Czar. That’s a title that will make you popular.  “Guess who is coming over for cocktails? The Ebola Czar.”
His mother must be so proud. Have you met my son, Ronnie? He’s the Ebola Czar you know.”

New York Knick Amar’e Stoudemire took a selfie that reveals he bathes in red wine. There is a name for this treatment, it’s called “Why the rest of the world hates us.”
Even Kanye West is like, “Yo, throttle back the doucheness, dude.”

France is trying to cut down on binge-drinking in young adults. It won’t be easy, how else besides binge-drinking are the French going to be able to tolerate being around so many French people?

It is going to be an exciting World Series between the San Francisco Giants and the Kansas City Royals. Opponents of the Giants have been making amusing signs mildly trolling outfielder, Hunter Pence, ala “Hunter Pence eats pizza with a fork.”
Personally, I am huge fan of the old-school Hunter Pence, but I also love the signs. So here are a few of my Hunter Pence signs:
Hunter Pence does not share his French fries.
Hunter Pence over-pronounces Quesadilla.
Hunter Pence uses multiple exclamation marks!!!!
Hunter Pence broke up with a girlfriend via text
Hunter Pence never makes more coffee
Hunter Pence Googles Hunter Pence. A lot.
Hunter Pence likes to talk about kale
Hunter Pence live tweets “Game of Thrones.”

Hunter Pence is not a dog person

Hunter Pence gives healthy treats for Halloween

No lie. A woman in front of me in a huge black Mercedes sedan did not move when the light turned green. When I tapped the horn, she angrily gestured for me to go around her. When I did I could see she was furiously typing something on an iPad tablet. 
She stopped long enough to throw me the stink-eye. 

Here is a partial list of things that, god forbid, could happen to you today:

You could get hit by a drunk driver
You could have an airplane part hit your house
You could, as we worry about in California, get hit by a big earthquake.
A bear could escape from the zoo and terrorize your neighborhood.

You want to know what is not going to happen to you today? You're not going to get the Ebola virus. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

If you are still trying to decide what to be this Halloween, you can’t go wrong with a slutty Joe Biden.

Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over 40 days. Apparently his first words were; “Oh my word, did you know there is porn on the Internet?”

The search engine, Bing, claims it has an app that can predict which candidates will win the mid-term elections. You just have to Google it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

There is nothing that makes me happier than making the people I love laugh.

Dallas Cowboy running back, Joseph Randle, was arrested for shoplifting underwear and cologne. That’s odd. Now I could understand a New York Jet stealing underwear and cologne because they’re crappy and they stink.

Monday, October 13, 2014

And I taught her how to dangle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The release of 10,000 Clinton White House documents gives new insights on how the White House handled the Monica Lewinski scandal. At first they tried to blow it off.

Happy 62nd birthday to Russia’s Vladimir Putin. If you want to get him a present he is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Borders.

The release of 10,000 Clinton White House documents reveals one email suggested they invoke an old Jewish law to defend Clinton in the Monica Lewinski scandal. It was titled “The Schmuck and his Schmeckle”

Jesse Wall and Christina Arsenault were the winners in the 2014 North American Wife-carrying Championship held in Maine. Kevin and Jan Sellers were leading, but his wife, Jan, made Kevin stop and ask for directions.

Bengals QB, Andy Dalton on the Cincinnati 37-37 tie with the Panthers. “It’s a weird feeling. I’ve never been part of a tie. You didn’t lose, but you didn’t win.” A tie has to get up pretty early to fool Andy Dalton.

Prior to the Chargers-Oakland game, Raider fans pelted the Charger’s bus with eggs. Oh my word, when is that Justin Bieber going to grow up?

The funny and world-class S.F. Giant fan, Janice Hough, said;

"Fortunately, since this was Oakland, most of the eggs were intercepted."

As great as Chargers QB, Phillip Rivers, has been, the man who deserves the most credit for San Diego’s 5-1 success is former general manager, A.J. Smith, for staying fired.
One of the greatest images in all of sports is Raiders fans dressed as scary silver and black painted clowns, resplendent with spikes, skulls and chains, walking dejectedly to their cars after a loss.

“Gone Girl” is #1 at the box office. It is a thriller where Ben Affleck’s character is accused of stereotyping Muslims.

What I think I know I know, NFL version
Week six of the NFL is almost over and we are starting to see a real separation from the players and the say'rs, the ballers and the hollers, the beasts from the leasts .
This year is divided between the good, the bad and the ugly, but the rank of ugly is getting lonely with just the Jaguars, Redskins, Jets and maybe Bucs and Vikings. With the emergence of rookie QB, Derek Carr, the Raiders have gone from ugly to good/bad, but their record is ugly.
The Giants are on their way from good, to bad and the next stop is ugly. Somehow the Cowboys have gone from ugly, to good to damn good.
It shook down almost straight down the line this week. The good teams won, the bad teams did not. Dolphins are an exception, they looked good losing to the awesome Aaron Rodgers.
The players ballers and beasts? The three R’s, Romo, Rodgers, Rivers. Hurt but studs are Carson Palmer and Tom Brady. Jay Cutler is the closest the league has to riverboat gambler style of Kenny Stabler. Luck is a flat out stud. Running backs McCoy and Murray are mmm, mmm, good.
That Aaron Rodgers drive and that Kolton “If loving you is” Wong “I don’t wanna be right” walk-off knock were awesome. That ball was Wong gone. (Even though I am for the Chicago Bears and the Fog City G’ints)

Tonicht I think we will see the Niners are not as good as folks thought and the Rams are not as bad as their record.

Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.

Taylor Swift said it would take an astonishing human being for her to get back in a relationship. It would be tough to be Taylor’s boyfriend.
“Hey, sweety, pull my finger. Ha ha. Hey, why are you playing the guitar and writing this down? It was just a joke, you can’t write a song about it.”

“Why do you want to know what word rhymes with premature?”
"You wrote a song titled "The Bathroom Destroyer"?" 

"So your next single is really going to be "He Left The Toilet Seat Up, But He Let My Heart Down?"