After the Billy Bush tape, we know Donald Trump used Tic-Tacs before moving on women. That’s because Preparation H doesn’t come in a mint flavor. 

Skiing gold medalist, Julia Mancuso, SUP surfing. Greatest line in any Olympics referring to the snow conditions: "Julia Mancuso likes it rough."

After his Billy Bush scandal, Donald Trump is offering his $200 Trump Membership gold cards for just $49. So I guess $69 would have been too much to ask?


With increasing calls form all over the republican party to withdraw, Donald Trump said he would not withdraw because he isn’t a . . . well, you know. 


Donald Trump appeared in three “Playboy” porn videos. But when it came to making the movies, Trump did not have much of a hand in it. 


Donald Trump appeared in three “Playboy” porn videos. The press was alerted to these tapes from a tip by a guy named Schmill Schlinton. 


Gold medal skier, Lindsay Vonn, told an interviewer she wishes there was some separation at ski resorts between skiers and snowboarders. Gold medal skier, Julie Mancuso, then defended snowboarders. And just like that we have reinvented the term: white people problems.

Since you asked:

After living for so long in California in college, and a year or two after, especially in the idyllic beach hamlet of Santa Barbara, Fall was really just a slight taste of a tease. There are a few trees where the leaves turn, and the air cools a bit, but the biggest clue of Fall is the long shadows and early sunset.

After college, when I moved to New York in July to work on Wall Street, the word stifling took new meaning. There is no air in California that is the equivalent of East Coast humidity in July and August. The hot, dank air is so wet it is hard to breathe. 

So, for me in New York, Fall felt like a ship coming to rescue you from a siege at Guadalcanal. Fall in New York isn’t just a season, it is a sensory feast. The turning leaves are a feast for your eyes and air has a delicious taste of crispness. Imagine if you could breathe a cold mug of fresh apple cider. 

When this whole campaign thing started with Donald Trump, I had already had a visceral and instinctive hatred of the man. It probably stemmed from working on Wall Street with a pompous prick with a bad combover who reminded me of Trump. 

That dislike of Trump grew when a friend of a friend was working for Citibank when they bailed Trump out with a huge, too-big-to-fail sweetheart loan in 1994 to keep Trump from deep personal bankruptcy. (And to save the bank’s real estate values) 

Despite giving Trump a get-out-of-jail lottery ticket, he was still rude, pompous, sexist and hateful to the point Citibank almost did not give the loan to him despite the horrific damage it would do to their real estate portfolio. 

And then when I moved to San Diego, I knew someone who knew someone who had Trump lie to his face that his investment in a Trump Baja resort was safe. 

So when the Trump campaign started, I was hoping for an utter public shaming and humiliation of Trump-the-putz. 

It has now officially succeeded my hopes. We just need affirmation that Trump is, A, on the way to going broke and, B, he is hung like a gerbil. 

Donald Trump was recorded telling Billy Bush about women, “Grab them by the pussy.” This shocked Billy. And his last name is Bush. 


Donald Trump was recorded telling Billy Bush about women , “Grab them by the pussy.” In response, Trump tried to spin it, 

“I would never try to grab a women’s pet cat without their permission.” 



Donald Trump was recorded telling Billy Bush about women, “Grab them by the p-word.” This next debate should be interesting. Don’t be shocked if you see Hillary Clinton hugging the podium. 




Now it appears Donald Trump appeared in three soft core porn movies. But when it came to making the movies, Trump did not have a big hand in it. 



A study says humans can expect to live a maximum of 115-years-old. It is called the Larry King Effect. 

Since you asked:


And here, as a youngest child and a comedy writer, I thought I knew about being needy. But you haven’t seen needy until you see a comedian, who is the youngest of six children, discover Facebook Live. 


“Four score and seven years ago.” - Lincoln

“Walk softly and carry a big stick.” - T. Roosevelt.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” - F. Roosevelt

“Ask not what your country can do for you.” - Kennedy

“Grab them by the p***y,” - Trump


Amy Schumer just toured a New York mansion for sale for $15 mil. In Amy’s memoir, “The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo,” she remembers when she had to go to the coin machine to get enough money to take her boyfriend out to TGIFridays.

There is collateral damage with Trump’s latest Pussy-gate. 

Billy Bush was still reeling from his credibility-crushing vehement defense of Ryan Lochte robbery lie against Al Roker. Now he appears almost as much of a pig as Donald Trump on their 2005 bus ride on “Access Hollywood.” 

Billy Bush already had a reputation as a shameless suck-up to celebrities. Now he appears to be a shameless sexist. Would not be shocked if the female controlled staff of “Today” were to give him the boot. 



“Trump is really toast this time.”

What I said after Trump said John McCain was not a hero because he got captured.

What I said after Trump called Mexican immigrants rapists and murderers.

What I said after he said Megyn Kelly was bleeding from wherever.

What I said when Trump mocked a physically disabled reporter.

What I said when Trump called for a ban on Muslims.

What I said when Trumped attacked the Gold Star Khan parents. 

What I said when Trump accused a judge of being incompetent because he is of Mexican heritage.

What I said when Trump suggested a second amendment fanatic should shoot Hillary Clinton.

What I said when Trump said Putin would not go into the Ukraine. 

What I said when Trump called veterans who get PTSD weak.

What I said when all the liens and lawsuits from Trump not paying contractors and workers popped up.


What I said when it was revealed Trump lost almost a billion dollars and did not pay taxes for 20 years. 

What I said when Trump viciously attacked Miss Universe.

What I said when Trump lost the debate.

What I am saying now when Trump got caught on tape saying he wants to grab the p-word and eff married women. 

This disgusting imbecile Trump should have been buried eight incredibly stupid gaffes ago. How ironic if this world class pussy gets tripped up by a comment about pussy?

Kendall Jenner just got a tattoo on the inside of her lower lip. Well, that is one way to remember your password. 

A study says humans can expect to live a maximum of 115-years-old. The good news is we have Larry King for another five years.

A study claims dogs can tell time with their noses. And dogs favorite time of day? Stanky-Ass Thirty. 

It has been a bad week for ISIS: they lost ground in Aleppo. One of their spokespeople was killed by a drone, another has been poisoned. And somebody leaked to “The New York Times” they have not paid taxes in 18 years. 

Kim Kardashian is going to write a book about being robbed of her jewelry at gunpoint in Paris. It’s called, “I Was Like Whatevs and Eww.”

Donald Trump was in a “Playboy” softcore porn movie. It was just a brief part. When it came to making the movie, Trump did not have a big hand in it. 

In Australia, a woman scared off an attacking crocodile by slapping her sandal. It worked so well, in the next debate, Hillary is going to try that on Trump.

Kim Kardashian vowed not to flaunt her wealth on social media anymore. From now on Kim will only display her talent and intellect. So, yeah, Kim’s leaving social media.


It is the 56th anniversary of “The Flintstones.” And Fred still hasn’t come out of the closet to give Barney a “Gay ol’ time.” 

Today is National Poetry Day:

Roses are red

Trump is so bitter

If I had any brains

I wouldn't be on Twitter

Tim Kaine Look-Alike, character actor, Michael J. Pollard

Mike Pence is Clutch Cargo

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has been poisoned in Iraq. And here I did not know Iraq had a Chipotle.

It has been a bad week for ISIS: they lost ground in Aleppo. One of their spokespeople was killed by a drone, their other has been poisoned. And somebody leaked to “The New York Times” they have not paid taxes in 18 years. 

Kim Kardashian is going to write a book about being robbed of her jewelry at gunpoint in Paris. It’s called, “Why Do Bad Things Happen To Rich and Augmented People?”

A Montana man is OK after being attacked by a female bear twice. He would only have been attacked once, but, after the first attack by the female bear, he made a “that time of month” joke.

The scary clown phenomena has swept the country. Especially a scary and angry orange-faced clown with hay stack hair. Oh, sorry, that is Donald Trump.

A 102-year-old St. Louis woman got arrested so she could cross it off her bucket list. The arrest wasn’t nearly as cute for the 40-year-old guy arrested for hiring her as a hooker.

How is it possible there are no pictures of the robbers of the most photographed person in human history, Kim Kardashian? Kim’s gynecologist sends her pictures to TMZ. 

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has been poisoned in Iraq. They got him to eat bad pot stickers at the Mosul Thank Allah It’s Friday. 

A poll reveals 40% cannot name the vice presidential candidates, Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. And that is a poll of the people on their staff. 

Ryan Lochte and Vanilla Ice had a bromance on “Dancing with the Stars,” but Vanilla Ice was just voted off. Or as Ryan described it, Vanilla Ice was captured by Brazilian spies.

Kim Kardashian was bound, gagged and robbed by masked gunmen in her Paris hotel. After thoroughly questioning Kim, Paris police also gagged Kim Kardashian. 

Hurricane Matthew continues to wreak havoc. Don’t confuse this with hurricane Matthew Perry. That hurricane will threaten to become huge and then just peter out due to rumors of being difficult. 

Not one of the top 100 company’s CEOs have endorsed Donald Trump. Or as Trump calls CEO’s “Clowns Employed by Others.”

Coincidence is the last refuge of liars and thieves, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

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Kim Kardashian was robbed by two masked gunmen in her Paris hotel. The only thing the police have to go on is the selfie Kim took with the gunmen. 

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Supreme Court Justice, Stephen Breyer, cast doubt on Kim Kardashian’s jewelry theft implying it is an insurance fraud. “How dare you accuse us of fraud?” Yelled the masked gunman Kanye West hired. 

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Kim Kardashian was robbed by two masked gunmen in her Paris hotel. Upon hearing this, Donald Trump called for a wall between France and the US.

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Tonight is the VP Debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. “Thank goodness there are no football games to distract us,” said not one man in the US.

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Let’s review, shall we? Kim Kardashian was robbed by masked Paris gunman of $10 million in jewelry she kept in a minimum security hotel with no security cameras. If I hear Ryan Lochte is somehow involved with this, I am going to be pissed. 

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Barry Bonds was fired as the Florida Marlins hitting coach. It did not go well. Bonds got angry, turned green and ripped through his shirt and most of his pants. 

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Hurricane Matthew is growing as Florida and South Carolina brace themselves. South Carolina is storing water and building sand bag walls, Florida is putting their meth in ziplock bags. 

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In a “Fox News” interview, Eric Trump said Mike Pence was governor of Illinois. Pence is the governor of Indiana. In his defense, Eric said all those I states are the same, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Island of Hawaii. 

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The Indianapolis Colts cut Antonio Cromartie after he gave up a the losing touchdown. Cromartie is famous for having 13 children with 8 mothers. So this will be the second time Cromartie was cut too late.

Since you asked:

Maybe it is imaginable it is justified for someone to be so rich they have to wear $10 million dollars in jewelry. Maybe. But then maybe don't take pictures of your $4 mil. ring and post them on Instagram constantly. 

Traveling to Paris with $10 million in jewelry and just happening to stay in a hotel with no guards and no security cameras? At a no-named hotel known for giving famous people anonymity, masked gunman magically appear at their door and, unlike most hardened and violent criminals, do no physical harm? I'm no detective, but wouldn’t most criminals brazen enough to steal $10 million in jewelry simply eliminate a witness?

At the very least, an inside job by someone turning on Kim and Kanye. 

Like a wise man once said: Coincidence is the last refuge of liars and thieves.