It got to be all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Can’t they all just get along?
Paris Hilton got rid of her little dog Tinkerbell; man, first Nicole Richey, now Tinkerbell, Paris can’t get along with any of her lap dogs.

Not clear on the concept
Supreme Court nominee John Roberts received the highest rating from the American Bar Association; it was awkward, President Bush said that he applauds the American Bar Association, even though he doesn’t drink, Bush still thinks bartenders are good judges of character.

Look at the bright side
Madonna was released from the hospital after suffering numerous fractures from a riding fall. This has to be one of the worst rides Madonna has had since Jose Conseco and Dennis Rodman, on the bright side, the horse didn’t give her a sexually transmitted disease.

Not since then
P. Diddy announced he is just going by Diddy. Diddy is now the most famous celebrity to announce he is dropping the P since June Alyson’s commercials for Depends.

Tough guy
Gladiator is out on DVD and it has many features and added footage: You can see Russell Crowe fight off dozens of muscular gladiators, wrestle a wild tiger, and hit a surly concierge with a phone from twenty feet.

Some nerve
The Kansas City Royals have not won during the entire month of August. They took the entire month off. Who do these guys think they are, George W. Bush?

Sure sign

In Russia, because of a grain shortage, they are feeding confiscated marijuana to cows. How can you tell if a cow is stoned? Instead of Moo, it says Duuude.

In Russia, because of a grain shortage, they are feeding marijuana to cows. What’s that Real California Cheese commercial say? Great cheese comes from happy cows? Look for some spectacular cheese from Russia.

In Russia, because of a grain shortage, they are feeding marijuana to cows. I think it’s affecting the milk, sales of Count Chocula cereal in Russia have skyrocketed.

Turf war
Snoop Doggy Dog sponsors and coaches a youth football team; They are a good team except when they play on Astroturf. Snoop’s team does better on grass.

What’s not to like?
In Sports Illustrated, writer Austin Murphy described a very pleasant mountain bike ride with President Bush on his ranch; of course it’s pleasant, you just sit in the shade and wait for the ambulance to pick up the President after he falls.

We feelin’ you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
Evander Holyfield lost his New York boxing license because of “diminished skills and poor performance.” In a related story, the Mets could lose their New York baseball license.

That explains it
British police are on the lookout for a man wearing a diaper who has been approaching women and asking to be changed. Apparently Mick Jagger gets a nervous stomach before going on tour.

Say again?
This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken “America’s sexiest crooner.” I’m sorry, that was the readers of InKyle magazine.

This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken “America’s sexiest crooner.” And today, the readers of InStyle magazine remarked; “Oh my word, we’re all gay.”

Mean
Prince Charles announced that this fall he and Camilla will be visiting New York City. That’s one way to scare the rats away.

More mean
Prince Charles announced that this fall he and Camilla will be visiting New York City. They will visit the Empire State Building, that is until Camilla gets shot down for climbing up its side.

That would be him
In Europe a woman is filing charges against Mike Tyson, claiming he her hit on the dance floor. It doesn’t look good for Iron Mike, the evidence points to Tyson: the punch didn’t hurt her at all.

Yikes
Paris Hilton has launched her own line of men’s cologne. It is the perfect gift for those few men who wake up not already smelling like Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton has launched her own line of men’s cologne. I think it’s called: Ode to ‘Ho.

Tough one
The White House has been releasing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts legal writings, and it turns out that Roberts was involved in many of the major debates of the 1980s. For example, which song was better, “99 Red Balloons, “Walk Like an Egyptian” or “Funky Town”?

Also don’t ride Hates Phony Accents
Madonna will be fine, but she suffered some fractures after being tossed by a horse. In retrospect, it wasn’t a good idea for Madonna to try and ride a race horse named Acting Critic.

Madonna hasn’t been riding horses very long, so it looks like she’ll have to go back to what she is used to: letting horses ride her.

That would explain it
Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to TV as a correspondent on “The Insider.” Apparently Kathy Lee’s family wants to spend more time without her.


Since you asked:
So Ann Caroline had the big Under Eight Girls soccer tournament championship on Sunday (they lost a good game 3-0) afternoon and, Sunday morning she was running around the house like a mad girl. Time for a little Fatherly sports advice.

“Ann Caroline, want to know a great tip for sports I learned during the Decathlon? If you want your legs to last longer and feel better and run faster, you have to stay off your feet beforehand as much as you can.”

A while later I walk by her room and I see her jumping up and down on her bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Staying off the ground like you said.”

It’s time for a new feature all the good people here at a.L.b.B. like to call:

Lex Has Dear Abby’s Back

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend exposed her breasts in front of a group of guys at a barbecue. I was very hurt by it and no longer have any respect for her. I can't forgive her for it, and I have broken off the relationship. She thinks I am wrong for feeling this way. What do you think? -- UNFORGIVING IN LOVELAND, COLO.

DEAR UNFORGIVING: Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. The girl showed poor judgment. Because you say you no longer respect her, I'd say it's time to find another girl who doesn't flash her headlights.

Lex has Dear Abby’s back:

DEAR UNFORGIVING:

Yes, you were right to break up with her. A girl that wonderful and full of generosity and kindness doesn’t deserve to be saddled with a Nob like you. What the hell is the matter with you, kill joy? Share the wealth, Mountain Boy. That thin air getting to you? You remind of those weasel high school kids who rat on the hot babe teachers who are slamming them like a galley door in a storm. You all should get down on your knees and be thankful. At least she has something to flash. What have you got, Coors breath? Get out of here, you sicken me. Go down to New Orleans and try and throw away all the beads.

And that is how we play Lex Has Dear Abby's Back

(Polite applause)

Since you asked again:
Gotta tell you, the gut-twisting repulsive testimony from the B.T.K. serial killer and Church leader, Denis Rader, is not doing a lot to dissuade my belief that all religious fanatics are psychos. From this monster to suicide bombers, a demented mind can justify any atrocity if it truly believes god is directing them.

We ain’t no holla back girl, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The name game
The former Sean Puff Daddy, Sean John, Sean Combs, Puff Diddy, P. Diddy has announced he is changing his name again. Oddly enough, now he wants to be called Sally.

It was awkward, when told that P. Diddy was dropping the P., Jessica Simpson said; “How embarrassing. He should wear Depends.”

The former Sean Puff Daddy, Sean John, Sean Combs, Puff Diddy, P. Diddy has announced he is changing his name again. Now he wants to be known as: The artist formerly known as Sean Puffy Puff Daddy Sean Jean Combs P. Diddy.

It’s a good thing this guy is rich, what he spends on new business cards alone must cost a fortune.

Feisty Priest
Father Clark was the 79-year-old New York Priest who had an affair with his 46-year-old married woman parishioner. The one you have to feel sorry for is the poor guy that got cheated on: you know, the Alter boy.

Father Clark was the 79-year-old New York Priest who had an affair with his 46-year-old married parishioner. Turns out he married the couple. Look for the movie: “Father Wedding Crasher.”

It was convenient for her: she could give confession and talk dirty to him at the same time.

How did that work in confessional? “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I committed adultery. You were great, by the way. Whew.”

How did that work in confessional? “You have committed the grave sin of adultery, my child, say ten our fathers and six hail marys and I’ll meet you at the Motel Six to see if you can beat it.”

Pricey
British tabloids claim Russell Crowe may have to pay up to $11 million to the victim of his phone throwing incident. That has to be the most damage by one phone since Kirstie Alley ordered room service at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Why the mean? We love us some Kirsty
A pierogi with the image of Jesus sold on eBay sold for $1775. When asked why she paid $1775 for a pierogi with a picture of Jesus on it, Kirstie Alley said; “It has a picture of Jesus on it?”

Mistaken image
A pierogi with the image of Jesus sold on eBay sold for $1775. Unfortunately, after closer inspection, it was determined the image on the pierogi was not Jesus, but Boston Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon.

Why it got to go like it go all that way, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Make up your mind
Leading democrats are complaining about President Bush’s five-week vacation. They complain he does a terrible job then they complain when he takes a break. It’s like that old joke about the lady who says; “The food at this restaurant is horrible. And the portions are so small.”

Take that J.H. down under
18-year-NewYorker, Scott Harper, jumped last week from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium into a net some 40 feet below. Harper will not be charged, but he will be cited for impersonating the San Francisco Giants.


Who’da thunk it?
A survey reveals that rich people are happier than poor people. Who does these surveys? This just in: most people prefer getting a massage to getting kicked in the head.

Eww
The White House hired the first ever female White House head chef. As opposed to the Clinton White House where the president chose what the women ate.

All inclusive investigation
Fox TV said that there is no evidence Paula Abdul had sex with one of the “American Idol” contestants and she will stay on the show. Of course Paula didn’t have sex with one of the “American Idol” contestants, she had sex with all of them.

Poor phone use
British tabloids claim Russell Crowe may have to pay up to $11 million to the victim of his phone throwing incident. That’s the most anyone has had to pay for using a phone badly since Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien.


Iron clad evidence
Authorities at an Italian resort Island are investigating if Mike Tyson allegedly beat up a woman for refusing to have sex with him. Good thing for Tyson he got that face tattoo, it will make it tougher for victims to pick him out in a lineup.

A charge of sexual assault, violence and sheer stupidity? Why on earth would they suspect Mike Tyson?

Since you asked:

Great jam at the dive bar on Friday night. Good crowd, the band was good. Soccer tournament was long but good. A.C.’s team made it to the championship but lost 3-0. It was 0-0 forever, but in the last five minutes they scored and then the floodgates opened. The girls had fun and got medals so it was fine. Some of the parents seemed a little overly down-in-the-mouth, but I am sure they’ll get over it.

The hour long Festivus that is my birthday will commence tonight between 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm. A few friends, blues, BBQ ribs and wine.