We gonna get our freak-a-deak-asoris on Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rick Santorum is so conservative, Santorum is actually a Latin word that means: masturbates with condom.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, if you go to the White Folks Café and order a Santorum, you get a Wonder Bread sandwich with American cheese and lots of mayo.

A 53-year-old man had to be pepper-sprayed after causing a disturbance at the California Adventure theme park next to Disneyland. I’m no psychologist, but if you have to be pepper-sprayed at the happiest place on earth? You may have anger issues.

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. That is awesome because what the world needs more than anything? More Kardashians.

Indiana lawmaker, Bob Morris, described the Girl Scouts as a radical organization; of course, this Morris idiot also thinks the Jonas Brothers are a hard-core rap group.

The sensation over New York Knick, Jeremy Lin, Linsanity is sweeping China. To show you how crazy it is, millions of young Chinese children spend so much time watching Lin, they’re worried there could be a Nike shoe shortage.

In Philadelphia, a 300-pound man ran into a Wal Mart and stole a pair of socks. Which prompted millions of Florida people to yell: “Why didn’t any of us think of this?”

In his first ten games starting for the New York Knicks, Jeremy Lin averaged almost 24 points a game, almost ten assists and nearly one-and-a-half Kardashians.

Duke Silver all up in this here piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump is campaigning for Mitt Romney in Michigan. Don't confuse the two. Mitt strapped his dog to the top of his car, Trump strapped a weasel to the top of his head.

This is my spot. Scripps/La Jolla Shores

'Dat sh*t cray-cray, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Several Los Angeles Lakers have voiced concern over the mental state of their teammate, former Ron Artest, now named Metta World Peace. There have been signs of a problem like, for example, when he changed his name to Metta World Peace.

New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, vetoed a gay marriage bill; he didn’t just veto it, he pounded it flat, rolled it in flour, deep fried it and ate it in one gulp.

China’s vice president, Xi Jinping, came to Los Angeles and received a Lakers jersey signed by Magic Johnson; so I guess we can wipe that trillion dollar loan off the books.

A study reveals that if men are too nice at Valentines Day and give too many gifts, women suspect they are cheating. This study reveals that for men, Valentines Day sucks more than we thought.

Jeremy Lin has lead the Knicks to 8 out of 9 wins, China’s vice president, Xi Jinping, received a Lakers jersey signed by Magic Johnson; and a Pekingese won Best in Show. China is even kicking our ass right here in the US.

Since you asked:
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We got Linosity lin our lintestines linflaming our linsides, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Iran’s President, Mahmoud Amadenijhad, leaked their nuclear bomb advances, but apparently their technology on realizing we use drone missiles is extremely weak.

Martha Stewart’s Chow Chow named Ghengis Kahn won best of breed at the Westminster dog show; in fact, Stewart is the second least likely ex-con to win at Westminster next to Michael Vick.

A Portland couple was arrested at a grocery store because the woman was naked, bound and gagged with duct tape in the back seat of their car. Turns out they were role-playing S&M sex games. The closest most married guys get to role-playing is when the wife swears at them to take out the garbage.

Kraft has a new product called Fresh Take that combines shredded cheese with breadcrumbs. Just how fat and lazy have we become when mixing cheese and breadcrumbs becomes too much work?

After leading the New York Knicks to seven games in a row, people are asking how did Jeremy Lin go from unknown to star? Lin was in such a relative NBA obscurity, he never once considered dating a Kardashian.

Rick Santorum is so conservative he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage. Rick Santorum is so conservative he thinks a woman not shaving her legs is the only acceptable kind of birth control.

Rick Santorum is so conservative he considers the Jeremy Lin Linsanity a type of Asian gang.

The Underwear Bomber was given a life sentence. It gets even worse for him, the court ruled his name be changed from Underwear Bomber to the Bunhugger Blaster.

Newt Gingrich is trying to come up with a catchy catch word for his campaign, like Linsanity. It’s not going great, so far all he has is Newtocity, Newtyrific and Newtadosis.