Dear Hollywood Studio Heads:

Finance me on a trip with an Airstream and a camera crew, and I will film what it’s like to travel up and down the great little California coastal towns with my adorable Golden Doodle, Wally, to Stand Up Paddle Surf and do Stand Up Comedy – as well as sitting in bar bands on harmonica. 

It will be called “Stand Up Guy.” 

Your money will result in a hilarious documentary which includes tips on Stand Up Surfing and stand up comedy, as well as a fantastic coffee table book on the best bars, restaurants and surf spots for us fit, young-at-heart, middle-age folks to go in California. 

Wally will steal the show. 

Show stealing Wally

It will also feature grilling tips and additional comedy bits, like hidden camera pranks, as well as interviews of the wild personalities I meet along the way. Think a hipper John Steinbeck's "Travels with Charlie" with a comedy writer/surfer instead of a legendary alcoholic writer. 

We don’t have much time, I want to launch by June.


Offers are now being accepted. 

The Wrigley Field bleachers will not be ready for opening day. In fact, the only thing the Chicago Cubs have ready for opening day is Kris Bryant, and they sent him down to AAA. Buckle your seatbelts, fellow Cub fans, it could be another rocky 100 years. 

Antarctica reported a record high temperature of 63 degrees. That makes the coldest place in the world Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner’s old bedroom.

37-year-old, Louis Jordan, was lost at sea for 66 days until he was found off the North Carolina coast. He was fine except for mumbling something about losing a volleyball.

The University of Houston is going to pay Matthew McConaughey $135,000 for a commencement speech. $200,000 if he commences to take his shirt off.

Indiana lawmakers will try to tweak the “Religious Freedom” law so it does not discriminate against all gay people. They want Neil Patrick Harris/Anderson Cooper gay, but not Adam Lambert/Johnny Weir gay.

The absolute must one-two punch for the gas grill

Laird (Lamber Bamber) pulling a backside, layback soup rider like a Bossss



Define definition, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

37-year-old, Louis Jordan, was lost at sea for 66 days until he was found off the North Carolina coast. His first words upon being rescued were; “Is Bruce Jenner still a man or is he a woman?”

A poll shows 50% of voters in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida do not trust Hillary Clinton. That number could be worse, but many responded to the poll via e-mails that Hillary erased.

Indiana lawmakers claim they will try to tweak the “Religious Freedom” law so it does not discriminate against gay people. They’re going to take out the part that makes hosting “Downton Abbey” themed brunches illegal.

Matthew McConaughey is being paid $135,000 to give a commencement speech at the University of Houston. That sounds expensive, but a lot of that money goes to McConaughey’s speech writer: Charlie Manson.

Burger King has launched their new Whopper-scented cologne called “Flame Grilled.” Much better name than their first name idea: Ode To Bad Choices.

Monica Lewinski is being considered as a host on “The View.” Some think she could do well, others are worried she’ll suck. (What? We all thought it)

Since you asked:

Here are the various techniques I have tried to grill the perfect steak:

(Always let it rest to room temperature, drizzle with olive oil, rub with sea salt, fresh ground pepper and finely ground coffee)

1, Sear two minutes a side on the infrared searing panels on the gas grill, finish on indirect heat, three minutes a side. (Use a smoker box with soaked chipped oak from Jack Daniels casks)

2, Using a cast iron skillet with ribbed lines for grill marks, sear two minutes a side, finish in the oven at 400 degrees for six minutes or so.

3, Using a Weber grill with lump oak charcoal, sear for two minutes a side, remove and let rest, drizzle more olive oil and add more salt. Finish on indirect heat.

And my favorite way to cook/grill a steak:

4, (Nod to Argentina)  Weber grill, lump oak charcoal. Cook on indirect heat for three minutes a side. Remove, let rest, drizzle olive oil again and more salt. Finish on the fire searing two minutes a side. Smother with roasted garlic butter.

Again, the common denominators? A good steak. Let it get to room temperature. Drizzle or even marinate with olive oil. Rub of sea salt, fresh ground pepper and French roast coffee. And then any combination of sear, indirect heat – or oven – and rest.

 Boner Mots

Anyone who doesn’t understand the insanity involved in cocaine addiction, look no further than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, La Habra, Huntington Beach and parts of Buena Park’s Josh Hamilton. The guy fell off the wagon and went on a binge that could have cost him $23 million for the season. (It didn’t)

Hope Colorado State’s Garrett Grayson goes high in the draft. He will do well if his collarbone isn’t a real problem.

Florida State’s PJ Williams in trouble again and arrested for a DUI right before the draft. PJ just saved some team a suitcase load of cash.

Move over Wisconsin bandwagon, I am a Frank “The Tank” Kaminsky fan and I am climbing on board. (Not good news for Badger fans. I have been a team killer)

How do you know if Matthew McConaughey likes a woman on Tinder? He swipes all right, all right, all right.

Attention Santa Barbara peeps. (No, not the Easter candy kind) They just re-asphalted the street in front of my office, and smell is bringing back fond memories of my Del Player apartment in Isla Vista.

Every now and again life rears up and dough-pops you in the chops to remind you how unfair it is. Like when you watch the Travel Channel or the Food Network and it shows people getting paid beaucoup bucks to eat, drink and travel.

One of the worst examples of this was when Matthew McConaughey got some studio execs to agree to outfit him with a plush Airstream to travel around the California coast to surf and promote his movie “Surfer Dude.” Which bombed.

Got that? The studio had already paid McConkhead untold millions to surf in a movie and then they paid him on top of that to travel around and surf to promote the movie with a camera crew following him around. The closest thing he did to work was pull up at a theater showing his crap movie and shake hands while downing a margarita the size of his giant head.

Dear Hollywood Studio Heads:

Finance me on a trip with an Airstream and a camera crew, and I will film what it’s like to travel up and down the great little California coastal towns with my adorable Golden Doodle, Wally, to Stand Up Paddle Surf and do Stand Up Comedy – as well as sitting in bar bands on harmonica. 

It will be called “Stand Up Guy.” 

Your money will result in a hilarious documentary which includes tips on Stand Up Surfing and stand up comedy, as well as a fantastic coffee table book on the best bars, restaurants and surf spots for us fit, young-at-heart, middle-age folks to go in California. 

Wally will steal the show. 

Show stealing Wally

It will also feature grilling tips and additional comedy bits, like hidden camera pranks, as well as interviews of the wild personalities I meet along the way. Think a hipper John Steinbeck's "Travels with Charlie" with a comedy writer/surfer instead of a legendary alcoholic writer. 

We don’t have much time, I want to launch by June.

Thank you, Betty, the slutty cow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The oldest person in the world passed at 117. You’re up, Larry King.

Sadly, Gary Ross Dahl, the creator of the Pet Rock, passed away at 78. He started my generation’s lifetime habit of continually asking the rhetorical question: why the hell didn’t I think of that?

The rumor is Monica Lewinski will be a host on “The View.” That might work, with what we know about Monica, with her mouth, she should be able to get a word in sideways.

An Indiana pizza joint will not provide pizza to gay weddings. To which an Indiana gay wedding replied; “Oh, shoot, that will hurt our “Tacky Straight White Trash” wedding theme.”

 Since you asked:

One of my first memories of comedy writing was with my buddy, Andy. We had until recently worked together in a brokerage firm in downtown San Diego. Those were fun times as downtown San Diego was in its nascent days as a fun hang for singles. We were both technically single, although Andy was living with his girlfriend and I was living with my soon-to-be fiance, Virginia. We still managed to get in a fair amount of harmless trouble.

One late afternoon, we were enjoying many margaritas on the deck of my ghetto-of-La Jolla, California townhouse with its amazing view of not-the-ocean. I told Andy I thought I had a knack for comedy writing, as I had just started doing it semi-seriously.

A little background information. 

We had both gone to good colleges and ran track. I did a real man’s event, the Decathlon at UCSB, and he was a skinny little distance dweeb - as I jokingly called Andy -  at a prestigious private Oregon school. 

When we worked together, we used to go on runs and he loved to torture me as we were both competitive, however, at a buffed - if I do say so -  200 lbs, I was about forty pounds heavier. Not a natural distance runner.

One late afternoon, I went in his office just before we were set to go on a run, and he was eating a burrito the size of a Futon.

“I thought we were going for a run?”

“We are.” He said quickly devouring the rest of it, he wiped his mouth and then wiped me out on the run. That is when I learned distance runners are calibrated differently than the rest of us.

One of my favorite Andy stories was a few days before my wedding when he came bounding into the townhouse and shouted:

"Quit whacking-off and zip up your damn monkey."

"Andy," I said, "I would like you to meet my future mother-in-law, Ann."

Andy is a smart, funny guy, and, as I mentioned, highly competitive, so when I told him I felt I had a knack for comedy writing, he agreed, but with the caveat he thought he could kick my ass writing comedy. (He went on with some drivel about a supposedly hilarous column he wrote for his tofu-eating rich hippy college's newspaper) 

Oh. It was on. It was so on . . . 

So I went on my new trusty Dell computer and logged on to that new-fangled thing called the Internet and found a topical premise:

“An Iowa man has applied to marry his cow, Betty.”

We were each going to write five punch lines in thirty minutes and the winner would be judged by my next-door-neighbor, Stan. Stan is also a funny guy and a laid back surfer. The perfect judge.

Here were my five:

“An Iowa man has applied to marry his cow, Betty.”

1, After the wedding, the couple plans a long Honeymooooooooon.

(Remember, I was just starting out, so these weren’t necessarily great)

2, The man’s family considers this marriage udderly ridiculous and are afraid she will try to milk him of everything he has.

3, If you want to get the couple a gift, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Barnyard.

4, His friends are not sure if the mixed marriage will work. He’s protestant and she’s episcopal. 

And my final joke for “An Iowa man has applied to marry his cow, Betty.”

5, “So much for the getting the milk for free.”

One strike out. A couple solid singles, maybe one stand-up double.

Here were Andy’s five jokes for:

“An Iowa man has applied to marry his cow, Betty.”

1, The wedding was leather optional.

2, See above.

3, See #2.

4, There was a lot at steak. (That one wasn’t bad)

5, See #4.

In terms of an ass-kicking, this made the Little Big Horn look like a panty raid. Andy got decent wood on one pitch. And that was just a loud out. We didn't even have to go to Stan to judge, and Andy agreed. 

That was when I really started to feel comedy writing was for me.

Thank you, Betty, the slutty cow.