Saturday, May 14, 2005

Caffeine fueled Saturday morning rant

A Navy sailor in San Diego refused to board his ship bound for Iraq because he said he’s against the war. Isn’t that like a member of PETA applying for a job as a butcher?

I just saw something odd: a very attractive homeless woman begging for money. Here’s my question: how lazy is our society when we can produce a woman who doesn’t have the initiative to be a stripper or a hooker?

I took a spin class with my lovely wife this morning. Should have known I was in for trouble when incredibly fit-looking people were setting up I.V. drips, defibrillator machines and puke buckets next to their bikes. Man oh man.

In all due modesty, I can ride a bike pretty damn good. Hardly ever get passed going up Torrey Pines, a rather long steep grade, on my mini-triathlon bike. Can go over 30 mph for 40 minutes on the stationary bike at the gym.

But this spin class stuff is a new animal. It’s about working out, not about riding a bike well. In fact, I’m not sure many of those people have ever ridden a bike outdoors since they were in third grade. They are just spin class machines. Half the time I was lost. The instructor was yelling “Gear Three. Now gear four.” Problem? No numbers on the dial to make the gear higher. When I asked why there wasn’t an odometer of any kind the instructor said;

“Some people complained that that made it too competitive so we took them off.”

Classic example of the “Trophy for everyone” school of the pussification of American. Last time I checked, the Tour De France didn’t have an award for trying.

If you rode a bike as hard as you do in spin class in the real world you would end up a stain on the back of a parked truck. Just as we were winding up the hour work out, it really got ugly; not only were we standing and grinding in high gear gasping for air and dripping sweat like we were in Equatorial Africa being chased by Zulu with a dart gun, a song by ABBA came on the speakers. My word, haven’t we suffered enough?

It reminded me of the time I was having the nastiest cut, dig and scrape gum surgery you could have and to loosen up my near rigor mortis muscles, the dental assistant flipped on the radio. The song? Phil Collin’s “Sussidio.”

I stopped the dentist, stood up and said;

“Listen, I’m a tough man, but I have my limits. I can take you digging into my jaw bone or I can take “Sussidio. I cannot take both.”

Here is how I measure a workout.

Light work out: T.V. Sitcom sweat stain on shirt. You know, that two to three inch circle below the collar they give Ross on "Friends" when he comes out of the gym? Like that. Enough to indicate the actor worked out but not enough to put people off of their frozen dinners.

Moderate workout? A movie actor workout sweat ring below collar six to eight inches.

Hard workout: Sweat they give a movie actor who is running in a teeming jungle. Total saturation, hair, hat, shirt. That was today.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Oh, oh, oh, it’s on now. Oh, yes, it’s on’r now than a mofizzy in this hizzy, my dizzy mizzy Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

(I got no idea what that means)

To name one
At his trial Michael Jackson said he likes children because adults have let him down. Yeah, like namely his plastic surgeon.

Don’t even ask about how Splash Mountain really got it’s name
A news article says that sex and drugs are rampant among employees at Disneyland. It’s true, how do you think Goofy’s Bounce House got its name? Goofy got goofy on roofies and hit it with that tramp Minnie Mouse.

It’s a bird, no, it’s a plane, no it’s a Bush
When the errant plane caused the White House evacuation, it’s not true that President Bush was out riding his bike. It’s a little embarrassing, it turns out Bush hadn’t done his homework and Dick Cheney had him in a time-out.

Pride of Palo Alto, Janice Hough, came up with this gem, Slat and Nugs
The Rolling Stones are going on tour. The Stones are getting up there in age; when asked if his women fans still throw their panties, Mick Jagger replied; “Depends.”

A bird in the hand is worth a Bush on a bike
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our President was out riding his bike at the time. Asked to comment, Bush said he was glad the plane turned out to be harmless because he won’t have to cancel his sleepover party tonight.

Due to an errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our President was out riding his bike at the time. It was unusual because, usually, Dick Cheney doesn’t let Bush ride his bike until he’s done all of his homework and taken a nap.

Due to an errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our President was out riding his bike at the time. You think that’s embarrassing? A half an hour later Bush would have been eating Fruit Loops and watching “The Teletubbies.”

Wax on, Paris gets off
At Madame Tussaud's they unveiled a brand-new wax statue of Paris Hilton. It is very life-like except for one thing: the wax statue scored higher on standardized intelligence tests than Paris.

The Paris wax statue is just like Paris except for two things: the wax statue is smarter and it doesn’t like things that are hot.

At Madame Tussaud's they unveiled a brand-new wax statue of Paris Hilton. The Paris statue is so realistic it has already had affairs with the J.F. K., Elvis and the Wilt Chamberlain statues.

Mark this down
The “American Idol” slime Corey Clark now claims he can prove he had sex with Paula Abdul because he can identify her distinguishing body marks. Apparently Paula has a scar from an operation for a hernia she got when she tried to push Ruben Stoddard into bed.

For example: Paula has scars on her knees from when she dropped down to futilely beg Clay Aiken to sleep with her.

Well, besides maybe their figure skating team
“Sports Illustrated” ranked Long Beach Poly as the number one sports high school in the country. The worst sports high school? That would be Fire Island’s School of Dance Choreography and Advanced Window Treatments.

Far reaching ‘roids
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularity ratings are way down; man, this steroid crackdown is serious.

Dude, it’s time to run
English gold medal-relay sprinter, Mark Lewis-Francis, avoided a ban after testing positive for marijuana. He should avoid a ban, pot isn’t exactly an aid to sprinting. The guy should get a medal for running instead of blowing the race off to eat Cheetos and watch Flintstones re-runs.

What a week
Microsoft unveiled its new video game machine Xbox 360. That combined with the upcoming opening of “Star Wars III” makes this the most exciting time for Nerds since the advent of sex chat rooms for virgins.

Since you asked:
Lord help me, to paraphrase Mick and Keith, that mean ol’ iPod has got me in its sway.

Like many, I went from thinking the iPod was just an over-priced Walkman to wondering how I lived without it in one day. It has improved my sleep, my workouts, my grilling, and my work. Suddenly my life has an awesome sound track.

However, as with any advance in technology, I would like to share with my beloved a.L.b.B. readers some hard learned advice about the hazards of working out with the iPod in public.

First, guys, when you work out at the gym with your iPod, do not get carried away. There I am on the elliptical trainer when the Stones “Can’t you hear me knockin?’” kicks in and suddenly, I am rocking out and I look like Joe Cocker getting electrocuted.

The only thing that looks worse than a guy playing air guitar and rocking out is a guy playing air guitar and rocking out to music nobody else can hear. Trust me, when I discovered I was gyrating, I looked in the mirror and I looked like I was waiting for the little yellow school bus to pick me up in front of my house. Compared to me, Warren in “Something About Mary” looked like Dean Martin in his prime.

Second, don’t put together a work out playlist that has too many rockin’ out songs in a row. You may end up in the back of an ambulance because you tried to keep up with a Clapton, Hendrix or AC/DC guitar riff.

Third, do not accidentally talk out loud while jammin’ to a work out song at the gym. There are now at least a dozen hot women at my gym who think I’m insane because, during Top Gun’s “Danger Zone” I blurted out;

“Roger that, Goose, I got ballistic on that bogey, so lets barrel roll in and buzz the tower.”

And last, but not least, the most important thing to always remember when working out with your iPod in public. (Can’t believe I’m telling you this) Ahem. Just because you’ve got the volume up and you can’t hear yourself, uh, pass gas, that don’t mean others can’t.

You should have seen the look of horror on my face when I finally figured out what caused those ten people to suddenly throw me disgusted looks all at once.

Ah, sweet pride. I sort of remember what that used to be . . .

Not apropos of that accidental gas thing . . .
Happy Birthday to Jeffery Allen Hill Lipe. A great friend, a great husband to his lovely child bride, Carla and father to outstanding kids Campbell and McKenzie, patient owner of yet another world-class knuckleheady dog named Wrigley, as well as a pillar of the Chicago legal community.

And a damn handsome bon vivant as well.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

When we do the do that get all good to you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cue: hands on face scream.
“Home Alone” star Macually Culkin testified that Michael Jackson did not molest him. It was embarrassing when Culkin first started testifying. When the prosecution walked to cross-examine Culkin, he slipped on marbles and fell in glue and feathers after a swinging brick hit his head.

Rolling Kidney Stones
The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. These guys are getting up there. Now when they sing “Start Me Up” they’re talking about their Rascal scooters.

The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. You can tell the Rolling Stones are getting up there in age; now after nearly every song, Keith Richards mutters; “That’s not music, that’s noise.”

I think the Stones tour is called the; “Have I told You This Story Before?” tour.

First ever
There has been talk of sending New York Yankee’s $82 million flop Jason Giambi down to the minor leagues. If Giambi is sent down he will go on record as the first guy to try and order room service caviar at a Red Roof Inn.

Now that was scary
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House and Congress had to be evacuated; people in Washington haven’t had to move that fast to get out of the White House since somebody spiked Bill Clinton’s coffee with Viagra.

I knew there was a name for that
It was reported in Iraq there has been a rise in “pleasure marriages”, where men pay widows to have for sex for a period of time. We have that practice of “pleasure marriages” here. What are they called, again? Oh yeah, Hookers.

That would impress me
Bill Gates said mobile phones will overtake iPods by providing more music but also Internet access, games and video conferencing. Big deal? I won’t be impressed until they can come up with a cell phone that gets drivers not to drive like a moron when they are on their cell phone.

Hate when that happens
Due to an accidentally errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our Commander-in-Chief was out mountain biking at the time. When he heard about the evacuation, Bush rode his bike back so fast the playing card was knocked out of his spokes.

Due to an accidentally errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our Commander-in-Chief was out mountain biking at the time. Apparently the leader of the free world needed a biking break. He was tired from playing all of his video games.

Dork Day Afternoon
“Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith” opens today. Nerds haven’t been this excited since they started putting talking computer chips in blow-up sex dolls.

How else can you explain it?
WBA heavyweight champion, James Toney has been stripped of his title for testing positive for steroids. This isn’t the first case of steroids in boxing. Take Don King’s hair, for example.

No, not the same guy
It was awkward when President Bush was informed why the White House and Congress were evacuated. When told it was caused by an errant Cessna, Bush said;

“Wasn’t Errant Cessna the guy who created that “Beverley Hills 90210”?

El Squacko Wrinkle cream, take three and four
Mexico has produced an anti-wrinkle moisturizer comprised of human semen. Supposedly the semen anti-wrinkle cream works so well, women in Beverly Hills are actually deciding they’d rather be wrinkled.

How it works is the women put the semen on their face so they will have less wrinkles so guys will find them so attractive they will want to, well, put semen on their face.

Dying to go there
In Sports Illustrated, a groundskeeper at Wrigley Field said it is not uncommon for people to covertly dump their loved one’s ashes on the field. It’s hard to believe there may be more dead people in Wrigley Field then there are built into the cement of Giant Stadium.

That’s amazing. I thought the only time they allowed dead people on the field at Wrigley was the Cubs around playoff time.

An idea whose time has come
A Korean company is offering dog owners a dog translation service over the phone. The way it works is that you get the Korean dog to bark into the phone, it translates it and then you hear;

“Help, he wants to kill me and cook me!”

Since you asked and stuff like that there:
Remember when I told you my TiVo thinks I’m a moron on crystal meth because it recorded “Jerry Springer” and an episode of “Saved by the Bell” in my TiVo Suggestions? Now it thinks I’m an old retired gay man living in Miami Beach. Today it recorded “Days of our Lives” and “Oprah.”
Don’t play a playah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wrinkle in this product
Mexico has produced an anti-wrinkle moisturizer comprised of human semen. If it’s true that semen prevents wrinkles, Paris Hilton can count on being wrinkle free until the year 2095.

I’d try that Mexican made anti-wrinkle semen moisturizer, but the quality control in Mexico is questionable, I’m afraid they might have put something nasty in it.

New meaning to the term “And they’re off”
George Steinbrenner’s Bellamy Road, the Kentucky Derby favorite who faded, has a leg injury and will miss the rest of the Triple Crown races. The trainer’s term for the non-serious injury is that Bellamy “popped a splint.” And here I didn’t think horses should be on Viagra.

Do a little dance, make a little fall, get down tonight
Earlier this week, the lead singer of KC and the Sunshine band sprained knee and cut himself after he fell on stage while dancing. He would have just had a sprained knee but apparently his walker landed on his face.

When asked if he was humiliated by the fall, KC replied;

“Yes, I was humiliated, but that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it.”

Does Hallmark have a card for this?
In Brazil this week, a town celebrated orgasm day. Unfortunately, the next day many of the men also celebrated “I swear, this has never happened before” day.

Unfortunately, the next day, many women celebrated “Why hasn’t he called me?” day.

Or as Pat O’Brien calls orgasm day: Today.

Oh, let’s hope not
Lance Armstrong is set to win his seventh straight Tour de France. Unless, of course, the unthinkable happens: Lance is bought by George Steinbrenner.

Not a good start
Macually Culkin is going to testify at the Michael Jackson trial. I’m not sure if Macually is going to be a credible witness. For starters, he still lists his occupation as actor.

A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, just a lot of money
The Rolling Stones announced a new world tour. I think this tour is called the; “We Don’t Have Everyone’s Money Quite Yet” tour.

For the newly announced tour, regular tickets – not scalped or through a ticket broker – regular tickets for the Rolling Stones are as high as $500. They are so expensive the only people who can afford them are the Rolling Stones.

Yuck and more yuck
Have you seen the world’s most disgusting commercial for the toe fungus drug Lamisil? It has nasty little yellow cartoon creatures as fungus underneath a big ugly jagged toe nail. I don’t know what advertising team created it but we can only hope that they are never hired by Preparation H.

Washington scoot
The White House and Congress had to be evacuated due to an errant plane scare. It was a pretty scary scene. It was so chaotic that Vice President Dick Cheney had to postpone is after lunch heart attack.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

This really just in:
George Steinbrenner’s Bellamy Road, the Kentucky Derby favorite who faded, has a leg injury and will miss the rest of the Triple Crown races. The trainer’s term for the non-serious injury is that Bellamy “popped a splint.” And here I didn’t think horses should be on Viagra.

This was kind of depressingMy TiVo Suggestions recorded an episode of “Jerry Springer” and a re-run of “Saved by the Bell.” Apparently my TiVo is under the impression I’m a moron on crystal meth.

Glad it's gone, and I'm not bitter
You know what show I don’t miss? “Last Comic Standing.” It was terrible. Here you had all of these alleged comedians going into a tiny enclosed booth to sit down and record their voting on camera and not one of them ever asked; “Where’s the toilet paper?”

Another old guy gettin' it done:
These just in. Careful, they are still hot:

According to "Entertainment Weekly" the new term for gay men couples is Manpanions. Manpanions? Even Elton John said; “That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Pope Benedict has sworn in his bodyguards: the 31 Elite Swiss Guard. And if there is one thing the Swiss are famous for, it’s their ferocious army. Was the Petite French Guard busy at another gig?

How cold was it?
Beautiful day today but I was a little chilly last night. I was shaking like George Steinbrenner’s horse Bellamy Road on the way to the glue factory.
That, uh, that just ain’t hooked up right is all, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Introducing the perfume: Ode to Window Treatment

Swedish researchers have found that gay men and women respond in the same way to an odor involved in sexual arousal. In a related story, sales of the men’s cologne Essence of Elton John skyrocketed.

Swedish researchers have found that gay and straight men respond differently to two odors that are involved in sexual arousal. In a related story, sales of the cologne Essence of Ryan Seacrest have plummeted outside of the gay community.

Swedish researchers have found that gay and straight men respond differently to two odors that are involved in sexual arousal and that gay men respond in the same way as women. For example, gay men and women just weren’t attracted to Home Depot’s new line of Beer and Brat cologne.

Swedish researchers have found that gay men and women respond in the same way to an odor involved in sexual arousal. In a related story, Macy’s offered Camilla Parker Bowles a million dollars for the name of her perfume.

And last but not paid least . . .
I can’t believe it made it this fast, but the new George Steinbrenner’s brand of Bellamy Road Glue is available in a store near you.

George Steinbrenner’s horse, overwhelmingly favorite Bellamy Road finished seventh in the Kentucky Derby. At least it was in the race longer then the New York Yankees.
(From the pride of Palo Alto, Janice Hough)

George Steinbrenner’s horse, the overwhelmingly favorite Bellamy Road, finished seventh in the Kentucky Derby and his highest paid New York Yankees are near last in their division. Man, I wouldn’t want to be on one of Steinbrenner’s American Ship Company built ships right now.

George Steinbrenner’s horse, the overwhelmingly favorite Bellamy Road, finished seventh in the Kentucky Derby and his highest paid New York Yankees are near last in their division. This just in: George Steinbrenner’s limo blew a gasket on the way to Yankee stadium and is stranded on the FDR drive.

Georgia on his mind

There was an awkward moment when President Bush arrived in the formerly U.S.S.R. country of Georgia. The first thing Bush said was; “I love your peaches.”


There was an awkward moment when President Bush arrived in the formerly U.S.S.R. country of Georgia when he said; “Congratulations to your Atlanta Braves.”

Since you asked and all:
Is there a song better than Bruce Springsteen’s “Jungleland”? OK, stupid question. Yes, there are, but that is one great song. It is a “Sopranos” episode with an awesome piano, screaming guitars, and an amazing, soaring, goose-bump inducing sax jam featuring the Big Man, Clarence Clemmons.

It has been in my head for two days and I couldn’t be happier. I know a song is good is when I feel sad that my parents aren’t around to hear what I’m hearing.

Derby Days

I have no right to be so proud of my old Kentucky home, Louisville, but after every Kentucky Derby I veritably beam with pride. Great job, as always, Lou-ah-vull. Great city, wonderful people. If I could have picked a place to be born I couldn’t have done better.

Most underrated movie lines ever?

From Sam Rockwell’s character Guy in “Galaxy Quest.”

“Uh, guys. There’s a red thingy moving towards the green thingy. I think we’re the green thingy.”


“Wait, don't open that. It's an alien planet. Is there air? You don't know.”


“Hey guys, get a room, OK? Oh, that’s not right. No.”


"Are we doing episode 81? Are we doing episode 81? Are we doing episode 81? ‘CAUSE I DIED IN EPISODE 81.”

Since you asked, the return:
I have replayed the TiVo'd awesome Amy Poehler “SNL Weekend Update” Angelina Jolie tirade so many times Amy is going to swear out a restraining order against me.

The scorcher is when Amy finishes with;

“Have you ever won Burlington, MA Baby Sitter of the Month, hotshot? I have, so call me when you do.”

Tina Fey’s next item?

“This just in. Angelina Jolie has just been named Burlington, MA “Baby Sitter of the Month.”

Off camera we hear Amy yell: “Dammit.”

As Johnny would say, "That, uh, that's good stuff."

Monday, May 09, 2005

What it is is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Putin. Get it?
There was an awkward diplomatic moment when President Bush first met with the Russian President Vladmir Putin. Bush said; “Speaking of Putin, pull my finger.”

Give President Bush credit. When he is with the Russian President, Bush no longer giggles when he hears the name Putin.


Give President Bush credit for working with Russian President Vladmir Putin. Ten years ago Bush thought Putin was something you did in a Texas outhouse.

That scamp, Paula
An ABC “Prime Time Live” expose claimed that “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul slept with a contestant. And, rumor has it, this isn’t the first time; Let’s just say Paula found out that William Hung wasn’t.

Mommy Brit
It was kind of sweet, Britney Spears husband, Kevin Federline, gave the-Mother-to-be Britney jewelry for Mother’s Day. The jewelry was pretty expensive. In fact it was a lot more than Britney wanted to spend.

Britney Spears had a trip to the hospital for stomach pains. Turns out she’s fine. Britney was just a victim of a Mother’s Day sale on Pork Rinds.

This isn’t the first hospital visit for the pregnant Britney Spears. It has been serious. This makes two times her husband, Kevin Federline, had to put down his Lucky Lager beer and stop playing his Play Station to drive her to the emergency room.

Pregnant Britney’s last emergency room trip scared her. She is now seriously considering giving up smoking and drinking at least until the baby comes.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are set to star in a reality show called: “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.” Production will begin as soon as someone can explain to Britney and Kevin what the word Chaotic means.

That scamp Angelina
It was reported that while vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while having sex, the resort staff had to be summoned. The couple was then cited by authorities for disturbing the peace and impersonating Kobe Bryant.

You’d think, huh?
At the Wachovia Championship, Spanish golfer Sergio Garcia blew a six stroke lead to lose to Vijay Singh. Garcia choked so bad you’d think he was owned by George Steinbrenner.

Google my Google
The mighty search engine Google was out for 15 minutes on Saturday. It was kind of awkward, when a male White House aide told President Bush that his Google went down, Bush said;

“Take some Viagra and keep it to yourself, for heaven’s sake.”

Since you up and asked, Louisville version:

Let’s honor the memory of the newly departed head editor for “SNL” “Weekend Update” editor Herb Sargent.

While we are mentioning it, can we just say that the best “Weekend Update” ever is with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? Yes, Dennis Miller was very good. Chevy Chase rode on the coattails of the novelty of being the first to give previously serious news delivered in a joking way. Chase wasn’t nearly as good as Poehler NOR Fey.

But Poehler and Fey combine the best delivery along with serving the funny as well as having knock-dead material to read. And let’s not forget the fact that they are both smoking hot babes. When the camera goes back and forth when they read their monologue items, I sit there and think: I’m in love with Tina. No, I’m in love with Amy. No, Tina. No, Amy.

Did y’all have a good Mother’s day?

We did, thanks for asking. Ann Caroline was so excited. She made me cook her Mom’s morning Feta cheese scrambled eggs served in a heart shape. With V tops cut out of the English muffins also to form hearts.

After presents and independent Mom and Dad workouts, after which Dad watched a TiVo’d Cubs game win/ nap, we had a nice picnic dinner of fish tacos and Chardonnay – diet Sprite for the Stinker – at the park in Del Mar just above the beach on 15th. It was nice. Had the iPod on the portable speakers playing Jack Johnson tunes as Labradors romped, kites flew and a very sweet girl taught Ann Caroline how to do cartwheels. Picture "Surfing Safari" meets Norman Rockwell.

At bedtime, in the most sorrowful and dramatic voice ever used by a six-year-old, Ann Caroline said;

“Tomorrow it won’t be Mother’s Day anymore.”

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Día feliz de Madre, Fête Des Mères heureuse, Glücklichen Muttertag, Festa della Mamma felice, Glad Mors Dag, and Happizzy my Momsizzy’s dizzy in the hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ann Caroline was as excited about making her Mom's day a good one as she was about her own birthday or Christmas. What a great Stinker we have there.

In case you didn’t know it, Slats and Nugs, life is not fair. Case-in-point: Today, due to a vigorous iPod induced workout yesterday, I have, as they call it in Texas, a slight hitch in my get-along. Nothing serious, mind you, just a tweak. Here is the unfair part: it is the exact same spot of scar tissue from a long jump injury THIRTY YEARS AGO.

All of my significant sports injuries are now coming back around to visit, all at once. The torn outside left hamstring from my Senior year in high school that essentially dogged my sports performances forever continues to trouble even during jogs. My back is dodgy from a college high jump wrenching. My neck is stiff from an injury incurred while blocking with my head in high school football. Recently I tweaked my elbow from an old pole vault pit landing injury and my shoulder from an old javelin strain while snowboarding.

And I have been really lucky - knock on wood - when it comes to injuries.

And if all of that wasn’t enough, today my head hurts from a concussion I got playing football my freshman year. (Yeah, that’s probably it. I’m sure it had nothing to do with all of the Makers Mark and sodas you drank before, during and after the Kentucky Derby, yesterday, you idiot)

No, inner tirade, I’m pretty sure it’s the old concussion. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Giacomo? Maybe those Eastern racing snobs won’t ignore the fine critters from the Santa Anita Derby anymore?

Derby Trivia Time:
Here is today’s trivia question – now that I’ve sweated out the majority of the Maker’s at the gym and steam bath and can actually think.

How do you pronounce where they hold the Kentucky Derby? Is it Lew-ee-ville or Lou-ah- vull?

The correct pronunciation is Churchill Downs.

Oh, I kill me. An oldie but a goody.

A Church in Massachusetts has a service for dogs and their owners. How does that work in the confessional?

“Forgive him Father for Scooter has sinned: he barked the Lord’s name in vain, he humped a leg other than his owners, and, if I were you, I’d get the janitor to come in here with Lysol and a mop.”