Oh, oh, oh, it’s on now. Oh, yes, it’s on’r now than a mofizzy in this hizzy, my dizzy mizzy Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers
(I got no idea what that means)To name one
At his trial Michael Jackson said he likes children because adults have let him down. Yeah, like namely his plastic surgeon.Don’t even ask about how Splash Mountain really got it’s name
A news article says that sex and drugs are rampant among employees at Disneyland. It’s true, how do you think Goofy’s Bounce House got its name? Goofy got goofy on roofies and hit it with that tramp Minnie Mouse.It’s a bird, no, it’s a plane, no it’s a Bush
When the errant plane caused the White House evacuation, it’s not true that President Bush was out riding his bike. It’s a little embarrassing, it turns out Bush hadn’t done his homework and Dick Cheney had him in a time-out.Pride of Palo Alto, Janice Hough, came up with this gem, Slat and Nugs
The Rolling Stones are going on tour. The Stones are getting up there in age; when asked if his women fans still throw their panties, Mick Jagger replied; “Depends.”A bird in the hand is worth a Bush on a bike
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our President was out riding his bike at the time. Asked to comment, Bush said he was glad the plane turned out to be harmless because he won’t have to cancel his sleepover party tonight.
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our President was out riding his bike at the time. It was unusual because, usually, Dick Cheney doesn’t let Bush ride his bike until he’s done all of his homework and taken a nap.
Due to an errant plane scare, the White House had to be evacuated but our President was out riding his bike at the time. You think that’s embarrassing? A half an hour later Bush would have been eating Fruit Loops and watching “The Teletubbies.”Wax on, Paris gets off
At Madame Tussaud's they unveiled a brand-new wax statue of Paris Hilton. It is very life-like except for one thing: the wax statue scored higher on standardized intelligence tests than Paris.
The Paris wax statue is just like Paris except for two things: the wax statue is smarter and it doesn’t like things that are hot.
At Madame Tussaud's they unveiled a brand-new wax statue of Paris Hilton. The Paris statue is so realistic it has already had affairs with the J.F. K., Elvis and the Wilt Chamberlain statues.Mark this down
The “American Idol” slime Corey Clark now claims he can prove he had sex with Paula Abdul because he can identify her distinguishing body marks. Apparently Paula has a scar from an operation for a hernia she got when she tried to push Ruben Stoddard into bed.
For example: Paula has scars on her knees from when she dropped down to futilely beg Clay Aiken to sleep with her.Well, besides maybe their figure skating team
“Sports Illustrated” ranked Long Beach Poly as the number one sports high school in the country. The worst sports high school? That would be Fire Island’s School of Dance Choreography and Advanced Window Treatments.Far reaching ‘roids
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularity ratings are way down; man, this steroid crackdown is serious.Dude, it’s time to run
English gold medal-relay sprinter, Mark Lewis-Francis, avoided a ban after testing positive for marijuana. He should avoid a ban, pot isn’t exactly an aid to sprinting. The guy should get a medal for running instead of blowing the race off to eat Cheetos and watch Flintstones re-runs.What a week
Microsoft unveiled its new video game machine Xbox 360. That combined with the upcoming opening of “Star Wars III” makes this the most exciting time for Nerds since the advent of sex chat rooms for virgins.Since you asked:
Lord help me, to paraphrase Mick and Keith, that mean ol’ iPod has got me in its sway.
Like many, I went from thinking the iPod was just an over-priced Walkman to wondering how I lived without it in one day. It has improved my sleep, my workouts, my grilling, and my work. Suddenly my life has an awesome sound track.
However, as with any advance in technology, I would like to share with my beloved a.L.b.B. readers some hard learned advice about the hazards of working out with the iPod in public.
First, guys, when you work out at the gym with your iPod, do not get carried away. There I am on the elliptical trainer when the Stones “Can’t you hear me knockin?’” kicks in and suddenly, I am rocking out and I look like Joe Cocker getting electrocuted.
The only thing that looks worse than a guy playing air guitar and rocking out is a guy playing air guitar and rocking out to music nobody else can hear. Trust me, when I discovered I was gyrating, I looked in the mirror and I looked like I was waiting for the little yellow school bus to pick me up in front of my house. Compared to me, Warren in “Something About Mary” looked like Dean Martin in his prime.
Second, don’t put together a work out playlist that has too many rockin’ out songs in a row. You may end up in the back of an ambulance because you tried to keep up with a Clapton, Hendrix or AC/DC guitar riff.
Third, do not accidentally talk out loud while jammin’ to a work out song at the gym. There are now at least a dozen hot women at my gym who think I’m insane because, during Top Gun’s “Danger Zone” I blurted out;
“Roger that, Goose, I got ballistic on that bogey, so lets barrel roll in and buzz the tower.”
And last, but not least, the most important thing to always remember when working out with your iPod in public. (Can’t believe I’m telling you this) Ahem. Just because you’ve got the volume up and you can’t hear yourself, uh, pass gas, that don’t mean others can’t.
You should have seen the look of horror on my face when I finally figured out what caused those ten people to suddenly throw me disgusted looks all at once.
Ah, sweet pride. I sort of remember what that used to be . . .Not apropos of that accidental gas thing . . .
Happy Birthday to Jeffery Allen Hill Lipe. A great friend, a great husband to his lovely child bride, Carla and father to outstanding kids Campbell and McKenzie, patient owner of yet another world-class knuckleheady dog named Wrigley, as well as a pillar of the Chicago legal community.
And a damn handsome bon vivant as well.