We gonna get our get on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Catch it
You either have March Madness or you don’t. When I found out Davidson upset Gonzaga, I told a guy in our office; “Oh, shoot, I have Gonzaga in the semis.” He said; “That’s what happens when you don’t wear a condom.”

Not surprising
It was a little embarrassing when France’s president Nicolas Sarkozy christened France’s latest nuclear submarine; when Sarkozy wound up to smash the bow of the Sub with the champagne bottle, the French Submarine captain jumped out and surrendered.

Viva la difference
They now have a blow-up sex doll that looks like Paris Hilton. You know the difference between the blow-up Paris Hilton sex doll and the real Paris? The real Paris blows you up.

Makes sense
A woman in Germany checked into a hospital for a routine procedure, but due to a clerical mix up, surgeons gave her a new anus by mistake; they got the idea of replacing an old anus for a new anus by watching our presidential campaign.

A woman in Germany checked into a hospital for a routine procedure, but due to a clerical mix up, surgeons gave her a new anus by mistake; when the lady found out, she was so mad she wanted to tear those doctors a new one.

Read the directions
They now have a blow-up sex doll that looks like Paris Hilton. Sexually transmitted disease sold separately.

Class act
The latest horny New York Gov., David Peterson, admitted he had affairs with a woman at a Days Inn. Apparently she was far too classy to fool around in a Seven-Eleven restroom.

Overslept
Golfer John Daly was disqualified from a tournament because he overslept and missed his tee time. Apparently the 325-pound Daly was up all night writing his thesis: “Why Golfers Are Tremendous Athletes.”

Sign of the times
The Spring break town of Riviera, FLA has banned baggy, low-riding pants. They even posted signs: “If We Can See Your Crack, Don’t You Dare Come Back.”

Hate to see that
New Jersey reports coyote attacks are up. Well, not attacks, exactly, but the pesky coyotes keep digging up all of the Mafia’s bodies.

Taking back the Buck in Starbucks
Starbucks announced they going to stop selling one dollar coffees. The shot glasses kept breaking.

Is this necessary?
They now have a blow-up sex doll that looks like Paris Hilton. Do we really need a Paris Hilton sex doll? Hasn’t everyone who wanted to sleep with Paris done it by now?

Duke near about got their tookus Bear Stearned by Belmont last nicht, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

They’ve been nagging us for a reason

In Kansas, the boyfriend of a woman who was stuck on a toilet for two years has been charged with abuse. Guys, see what can happen when you don’t put the toilet seat back down?

Old guy

I don’t want to say that John McCain is getting up there, but, when he gives a speech, McCain is the only candidate who activates his teleprompter with the clapper.

I don’t want to say that John McCain is getting up there, but the only thing more enlarged than his prostate are the letters on his speech teleprompter.

One way to look at it

A woman is suing American Airlines because she awoke to find the guy sitting next to her masturbating. On the bright side, apparently the seats had lots of elbow room.

Yikes

The New York Knicks and the New Jersey Nets are last and second to last in their division, respectively; in fact, the Knicks and the Nets are the only things in New York and New Jersey that suck without a Governor being involved.

Not good

President Bush’s approval rating hit an all-time low 31 %. In other words, only 31% approve of the job Bush is doing. Which is pretty bad when you consider 35% think Fat Free and Non-Fat milk are two different things.

Which is pretty bad when you consider 35% think an innuendo is an Italian enema.

President Bush’s approval rating hit an all-time low 31 %. In other words, only 31% approve of the job Bush is doing. Which is pretty bad when you consider 35% think Donald Trump’s hair is real.

Cartoon Buffoon

Osama bin Laden threatened the European Union with grave punishment over cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad. In addition, Osama said he is feels that after 18 years, Dilbert should get promoted from his cubicle to an office.


Since you asked:

Let’s all take a little journey to a magical place where just about anything is possible. It is a special, fun place I like to call Lex Land.

Today in Lex Land you are now the director of a big time movie. It doesn’t matter what the movie is, whether it’s an action movie or a boring and depressing self-indulgent art house Indie “film” or an off-the-wall-feel-good-fish-out-of-water-boy-meets-girl-slap-stick-hyphen-ladened-piece-of-crap with Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson and or Queen Latifah.

No, the question is, as you are the director, and it is your god-given right to Alfred Hitchcock yourself with a brief cameo, how would you cameo yourself in?

Let’s play a rousing game of “How Lex Would Cameo Himself In a Movie?”

ESTABLISHING SHOT: FADE IN: AN OLD-SCHOOL MID-TOWN NEW YORK DELI

Cut To: In the store, a guy behind the counter with the nametag Vinny is approached by Lex.

Lex:
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?

Vinny:
Practice, practice, practice, yah, frickin’ hump.”



And that is how we play “How Lex Would Cameo Himself In a Movie.”
.
(Polite applause)

We gonna waylay the parlay and delay the dooms day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh goody

To sooth the public’s worries about the economy, President Bush said “I’m on top of it.” That’s about as comforting as R. Kelly offering to baby sit.

Yes, Woody, I know it was really Patrick Henry

Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams.”? It stars that “Sideways” star, Paul Giamatti. I particularly liked the scene where Giamatti as Adams says; “Give me liberty, or give me death, but no effing Merlot.”

I say there ol’ chap

Stanford faces Cornell in the first round of the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament. Can you imagine the trash taking in the Stanford-Cornell game? “Your Matriarch is so unintelligent she can only abbreviate Pi to the fifth number.”

Ewww

A woman is suing American Airlines because she awoke to find the guy sitting next to her masturbating. You thought it was disgusting when the guy next to you farted?

What kind of water?

Pharmaceuticals, including Viagra, have been found in the water supplies in the New York and New Jersey area. That explains why the New York and New Jersey governors have been hiring hookers, having affairs and three ways. They’re horny from the boner water.

Yikes

Many experts say the $48 mil settlement Heather Mills received from Paul McCartney was the minimum since she requested $250 million. By firing her lawyers, Mills was trying to prove she was not a greedy gold digger. In sad irony, it turns out her defense didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Or something close to it

New York and New Jersey governors have been hiring hookers, having multiple affairs and participating in male- male-female three-ways. We need to put a governor on the pants of our governors.

What’s in a name?

It's been reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is ‘Renegade', and Hillary Clinton's Secret Service name is ‘Evergreen'. And Ralph Nadar’s Secret Service name? “That guy.”

It's been reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is ‘Renegade', and Hillary Clinton's Secret Service name is ‘Evergreen'. Did you know what Dennis Kucinich’s Secret Service name was? “The Keebler Elf with the hot, tall redhead.”

We gonna get our serious on fornever and never, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yikes
A CNN poll reveals John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are in a three way tie; this also marks the first time anyone has used the words Hillary Clinton and three-way together.

Yikes, 2
Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting divorced. You know the difference between Al and Star’s marriage versus their divorce? Star Jones is going to get screwed in the divorce.

Yikes, 3
It was a little awkward, when he heard that CNN had John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in a three way tie, ex-New Jersey Gov James McGreevey asked to join in.

Look at the bright side
In divorce court, former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey claims he and his wife, Dina, engaged in a three-way with his aide, Teddy Pederson. Well, at least it’s nice to see a Governor who didn’t outsource his sex partners.

In divorce court, former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey claims he and his wife, Dina, engaged in a three-way with his male aide. What is with Governors? We’ve had a New York Governor who was screwing with hookers, an ex-New Jersey Governor who is screwing with a three way and a California Gov. who is screwing with our syntax.

That good, huh?
Fox News reports that a pimp for Eliot Spitzer call-girl, Ashley Dupree, sent her and another girl dressed as cheerleaders for Charlie Sheen. The hookers reported Sheen was a great lover. How great a lover? They rated Charlie “Two and a Half Men.”

But that’s me
Information is coming out that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer went by the name George Fox when he hired a hooker. George Fox? For $4300, I would want them to call me Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

After the Eliot Spitzer hooker scandal, David Paterson was sworn in as Gov. of New York. The oath of office was amended to include; “Do you solemnly swear to always adhere to a strict Bros before Hoes policy, so help you god?”

Hate to hear that
After receiving $50 million divorce settlement from fan Paul McCartney, the one-legged “Dancing with the Stars” Heather Mills was so furious, she was hopping mad.

Heather Mills received a $50 million divorce settlement. That worked out to $34,000 for each day of marriage. Or as ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer calls $34,000 a day: two three ways.

Not good
The New York Knicks are 19-48. How hated are the Knicks in New York? Eliot Spitzer’s Emperor Club lists the Knicks coach, Isaiah Thomas, as Client 852.

Make no mistake
The name of the escort serviced used by ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was the Emperor’s Club. Now the Emperor’s Club may sound like a Chinese restaurant, but believe me, when you order #69 you don’t get beef with broccoli.

It’s about time they did something
The Supreme Court will decide if it is indecent for celebrities to say the “F-Word” on live TV. That’s right, the Supreme Court may rule celebrities can no longer say Federline on TV.

We workin’ it old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Color me thrilled
Hope you had a Happy St. Patricks Day. To celebrate in New York, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square would Eliot your Spitzer ‘til it was green.


Catchy tune
It turns out that the hooker in the Elliot Spitzer scandal, Ashley Dupree, is an aspiring singer. In fact, she did a great rendition of the 2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny.”

Cost cutting
Sir Paul McCartney has been ordered to pay his ex-wife, Heather Mills, $50 mil in their nasty divorce settlement. $50 million. Today Sir Paul called Eliot Spitzer and asked for the Emperor Club’s phone number.

Oui kid Le France
The hooker in the New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer scandal’s name is Ashley Dupre. Dupre is French. This explains why, for an extra $1,000, she would let Spitzer invade her Champs-Elysees.

It was bound to happen
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring. It is now being rumored that Spitzer spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes using money from his campaign contributors. Wow, a politician finally figured out a way to screw his constituents twice.

That don’t count
The man who replaced New York Gov., Eliot Spitzer, L.T. Gov. David Peterson, is legally blind. He is the first sight-impaired governor, if you don’t count Bill Clinton’s beer goggles.

Fun for everyone
The Macon Music baseball team is going to have an Eliot Spitzer Night promotion on June 13th: The ninth customer (Spitzer was Client 9) gets in free; all people named Eliot, Spitzer or Kristen get in free and for $5,000, the players can automatically be awarded home base.

That is tough to beat
Tiger Woods has won 9 out of 10 and his fifth PGA tournament in a row to win the Arnold Palmer Invitational; Tiger couldn’t be any more unbeatable if he was Eliot Spitzer’s wife, Silda’s divorce attorney.

Apparently not
Eliot Spitzer used to meet his prostitute, Ashley Dupree, at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington; Apparently it wasn’t just Eliot’s ancestor’s who came on the Mayflower.

Since you asked:
What a great time in Park City. That place is the real deal. Plus we had a fun, great group of folks and unbelievable snow. Six inches of fresh the first day, eight the next. And I did some of the best snowboarding I’ve ever done. Great turns, a little bit faster speed. No stops and only rested on the lift. That is right up until my last run on Friday after another great day on Thursday.

There I was cruising on the flat run at the top of the mountain, gaining speed to head off to the side trails and fresh powder for my last run of the day when, before I know what happened, boom. I catch the front edge and slam down so hard on my chest, I had no chance to put my arms out, which is good because I would have broken them if I had. (My first fall of the trip)

Wind knocked out, stunned, on my hands and knees trying to breathe. People on the lift above are nicely asking if I am OK. As I can’t talk yet at this point, I just nod yes. (Thank god I had a helmet or I know I would have been knocked out)

So I just got up and cruised in on the easy way in. Got a great burger at the bottom with a frosty beer and headed back to the house in Deer Valley. When I checked my coat pocket for my sun glasses, I got stuck with a piece of glass. They shattered so much in the fall there wasn’t a piece bigger than a quarter-of-an-inch.

Two hours later it starts. Can’t breathe. Chest tightens. Tender spot on my chest that feels like lightening hits it when I touch it. Yep, broke my rib. I know I broke my rib because this is the fifth time I have done it. First one was in football, the next two were goofing around and slamming into a sharp object, the last one was an accidental car door shut on my ribs.

The next day, Saturday, the conditions weren’t as great as it had been warm the day before and chilled down overnight and the snow was icy and crunchy. No problem, hung out, worked on the computer, took back my rented board and boots, played pool, had lunch with one of the guys who passed on skiing that day.

Sunday morning hurt. As my rib started to hurt more, I couldn’t sleep well, and when I woke up, to add insult to injury, there was a foot of the softest, nicest powder you’ve ever seen. Damn. Oh well. All in all, a great, great trip. Tons of laughs, great food, lots of wine. Folks in Utah were great. Much friendlier than Mammoth, I hate to rat on my fellow Californians, but it is true.

So how do you mend a broken rib? The same way you mend a broken heart. (What, you drive down to Mexico and pick up a drunk American tourist named Becky at an Ensenada Cantina?) No, you mend it with time, you Lex’s inner idiot, you.

That how we do what we do when we do do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Heh, heh, he said do-do)

Depressing
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring. Spitzer spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. Guys, how depressing is that? He not only couldn’t get laid as governor of New York, he had to spend $80,000 to do it.

Not surprising
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned over hiring prostitutes. Nobody in the state legislature supported Spitzer during the scandal. But that’s not a surprise. Anyone who is a governor and still has to spend $80,000 to get laid can’t have the best people skills.

I would hope so
During his resignation over using a prostitute ring, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said; “Our greatest glory consists not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." Yeah, and at $4,300 a shot, he better believe in his ability to rise.

So there
Renowned golf coach Butch Harmon fired John Daly because he said Daly was only interested in getting drunk; Daly objected vehemently claiming; “I also want to eat and get laid.”

That doesn’t count
The man poised to replace the whore-mongering New York Gov., Eliot Spitzer, L.T. Gov. David Peterson, is legally blind. He would become the first sight-impaired governor, if you don’t count Bill Clinton’s beer goggles.

That’s for sure
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring. It is estimated Spitzer spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. This guy really put the goober in Gubernatorial.

Hey, now wait a minute . . .
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring. It is estimated Spitzer spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. $80,000 to get laid. Or as most guys call that: marriage.

A lot for a ring
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring and it is estimated he spent $80,000 on the prostitution ring. In fact, the only person who spent more on a ring for sex? Kobe Bryant.

Since you asked:
TV shows are airing again since the writer’s strike. But who needs writers? Sure, writer Chuck Lorre has success with “Two and a Half Men” but that’s because of the talent of the stars Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer. But since Chuck Lorre stopped writing for their shows “Cybil” “Grace Under Fire” and “Roseanne”, just look at how great the careers have continued of Cybil Shepard, Roseanne Barr, Tom Arnold and Brett Butler.

Oh.