Barefoot girls sitting on the hood of a Dodge drinking warm beer in the soft summer rain

-Bruce, "Jungleland"

Bill Burr 5 Minute stand-up.

Eddie would go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that the government has been shut down, so is the FCC; which explains Matt Lauer opening the “Today” show with: “Suck it, bitches.” 

Most of the Boston Red Sox have grown lucky beards for the playoffs; to give you an idea how many, there are more beards in the Red Sox clubhouse than Liza Minnelli has been for gay men.

51% of AOL users feel the democrats are at fault for the government shutdown. And 30% responded to the poll on their pagers.

Forty Niner safety, Donte Whitner, fined $21,000 by the NFL for a hard hit, now says he is leaving off the W and changing his name to Hitner. See, if it was me, I would complain so much about the fine, I would leave out the T and change my name to Whiner.

Top Cleveland Brown pick, lineman Barkevious Mingo, was injured in the pre-season with a lung contusion. Experts say it was the worst injury ever sustained by a player named Barkevious. It was the most pain he has been in since he stepped on a rake and Barkevioused his Mingos.

Rules for Lex’s Mancave:

Rule # 1: THERE ARE NO RULES!

#2: No whining.

#3: What happens in the Man-Cave stays in the Man-Cave. (Don’t worry, nothing is going to happen in the Man-Cave)

#4: What is on the screen is what is going to stay on the screen. Do not ask to change it.

#5: If you eat a nachos chip with the trifecta of melted cheese, meat and salsa, you must shout “Boo Yah Hobastank.”

#6: You want a drink? Get it yo-self.

#7: Only Lex touches the clickers.

#8: He who smelt it dealt it, but don’t you dare dealt it. Hob

 #9: Contrary to popular opinion, women are allowed in the Lex Man-Cave, but they must wear this when in there.

A group of WWII veterans stormed the government-shutdown-closed WWII memorial; only our government can put a temporary fence so weak, it can’t keep out a group of 80 and 90-year-olds.

Now that the government has been shut down, so is the FCC; which explains Matt Lauer opening the “Today” show with: “Suck it, bitches.” 

Not to brag, but if I don't, who will?

As an admitted non-tech expert - it goes without saying I can't write software or program - here is a list of stuff I did Sunday:

Surfed some waves and filmed it on my GoPro

Edited the video on iMovie including adding the Stones song

Uploaded the movie to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and Blogger

Made a radio station on my TV on Apple TV that only plays Eric Clapton, Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. 

Bought a song off my TV on iTunes 

Bought a book on Amazon

Played Words With Friends

Watched a game on my DVD

Watched a documentary on Netflix

Plus used Google, e-mailed and got directions on iMaps not to mention sending texts and calling on my cell phone, play a game on Xbox, grill a mean steak and play an Eric Clapton song on my harmonica.

Almost none of which I could have done 20 years ago when I got married to my wonderful wife, Virginia. 

Laird's SUP Tricks -Spinning

The benevolent generosity of my wonderful wife, Virginia, never ceases to amaze me. We have been married twenty years today. Paella on the grill and Stanford V. UCLA women’s volleyball on Pac 12. 

TP Right

Me catching a short right and biffing at Torrey Pines

Erriebody all cray-cray up in this here fizzy bizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chris Brown gave Kanye West advice on how to handle the media; that’s like Alec Baldwin giving Gary Busey advice on anger management

Texas Sen, Ted Cruz, gave a 21-hour-anti-Obama-care speech. We don’t have a joke on this because our writers have been playing “Grand Theft Auto 5” for nine straight days.

The last place Houston Astros played a home game on Television that registered a 0.0 Neilson rating.  Which raises the philosophical question: if the Astros play a game and nobody sees it, do they still suck?

 The cover of “Time” asks the question: “Can Google Solve Death?” No idea, but I do know the scariest combination is Google and a hypochondriac. Guy at work: “Dude, I swear I have bloating, sore back and nausea. Oh, wait, that’s a pregnant chick.”

The captain of the grounded cruise ship, Costa Concordia, now claims it was the helmsmen’s fault; Let’s review, this guy sank his ship, was one of the first to flee, then claimed he was pushed into the lifeboat, now he says the sinking was the helmsmen fault. How is this guy not running for Congress?

Grumpy Old Guy Random Thoughts on the NFL:

Penalty for making the one-finger, head-shake shhh gesture.

No announcing your high school in your pre-game introduction. You went to a college. Say it. So we can understand you.

Kneepads mandatory, no pants above the knees.

Any player arguing with refs is ejected.

No hanging gloves from facemask.

No more of those huge venetian blind facemasks. 

Keep the long hair. The long hair looks cool, either flowing flaxen locks ala Clay Tres, the wild Samoan mane of Troy P. or the “Predator” dreds of Richard Sherman. But not only is it legal to grab that hair – for blocking or tackling – it is encouraged. Got that? It is not holding if they are holding you by the hair. Beauty comes at a price.

No thanking Jesus or god.

No more pouting by the quarterback and then glaring at the receiver after every incompletion. (Tom, Eli, Peyton, Aaron) You want him to catch the ball? Throw it to him.

You want to speed up reviewed plays? Call me on my cell phone and I will tell you what I just saw two seconds ago on the instant replay.

Love Jon Gruden to death, but I played football, I love football, I know football, and my eyes glaze over when he talks about the Jake slot, A-flank scooter route in the cover two hank-swaggle zone skippy with the helmet slot coverage by the weak side rover diamond scooter hover back.  

This

Plus this

Equals this

GoPro Dolphins