Saturday, July 25, 2009

Joe Jonas - of the Jonas Brothers - has broken up with his girlfriend, Camilla Belle. The abstinence-proponent Joe decided he wanted to not have sex with other people.

Belle claims she doesn't see Joe anymore, but the sex is still exactly the same.

An L.A. medical marijuana facility burned for one hour before firefighters put it out. It would have burned longer, but the firefighters ran out of their supply of Yoo-hoo and Cheetos.

I mean, don't get me wrong, that Kate Middleton is the very picture of aristocratic style, but she also looks like she can play herself a mean game of "Who can make the other say "Oh god" first?"

And I'm not saying Kate Middleton doesn't clearly have a lot of elegance and style, but I am saying Kate looks like she could play a ripping-fun game of "Naughty Boarding School Girl Begs Strict, but fun, Schoolmaster For Forgiveness."

Brad Pitt told a German interviewer he doesn't believe in god. And why would he? Look at the crap hand Pitt has been dealt.

That ingrate Pitt shouldn't just believe in god, he should be washing god's car, taking out god's garbage and cleaning up after god's dogs.

Big waves here in Southern California. One wave was so big it actually washed a guy into a movie theater showing"The Ugly Truth."

Dallas QB Tony Romo shot a 69 at a celebrity golf tournament. The last time Romo had a 69 was when (pardon the interruption, but the editors of a.L.b.b. cannot allow the tasteless and frankly obvious Jessica Simpson oral sex/over-eating joke that was to appear here. We apologize for the lapse in judgment)

Friday was Sarah Palin's last day in the office of Governor of Alaska. That means Monday is "Replace All the Stolen Supplies" day in the office of Governor of Alaska.

Last week featured the debut of the first pets only U.S. airline. It's called; Why the Rest of the World Hates Us Airways.

"People" magazine had an article on the rapid drug and booze fueled downward spiral of the once beautiful "O.C." star Mischa Barton. The bad news is Barton is now haggard, aged, bloated and tired-looking. On the bright side, she has the inside track on the title roll in the "The Courtney Love" story.

Since you asked:

For reasons I can’t explain, for a guy who is a 10 on a straightness scale of 1 to 10 – not that it makes me any worse or better than those with different scores, it just happens to be the truth – I have incredibly accurate Gaydar.

Now, if somebody triggers off one or two or even three bells on my gaydar, I might let it pass as a inconclusive reading, a good example is believe-it-or-not-he-is-straight-comedian Russell Brand.

But when five or more bells start peeling, well, the verdict is in. This means you “Twilight” stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. It also means you ESPN announcer Erin Andrews.

Speaking of gay, it is hard to believe it has been 25 years since the Carl Lewis-ridden Los Angeles Olympics. Although it didn’t seem like it at the time, the boycott of all the communist countries gave the 1984 Olympics a faux intrasquad hollow feeling.

Carl Lewis’s phony, hammy and foppish grating personality aside, I’ve always felt Lewis’s incredible greed at sucking track promoters dry – thus killing any real money and motivation for other competitors - along with the out-of-control steroid scandals helped initiate the death of track’s popularity in the US. (And I told the folks at Nike that when I interviewed for the track marketing job I would never get in a million years, and, as Lewis was their main guy at the time, they were not happy hearing it)

But the most glaring bad memory of the 1984 US Olympics? The United States team warm up suits. My god they were hideous. For reasons nobody can explain to me, Levi Strauss was given the job of making the US official “parade/medal ceremony” team sweats and they were these white trash tacky ill-fitting white trash – yes, I said white trash twice, now three times - fuzzy pajamas looking Long Beach swap meet looking pieces of crap.

If an Olympic warm up suit could be a national embarrassment, these were it.

When the US winners held their hands above their heads in celebration, the bottoms of the jackets would rise to their chests exposing their stomachs.

The greatest US Olympics team warm ups were, without question, the ’64, ‘68 and ’72 navy blue with snappy-looking red and white stripes down the sleeves and legs and on top of the collar with the Olympic rings and USA in block print, small on the front and big across the back.

Come on, America, if we can get a man on Joy Bahar, we can get a handsome Olympic team warm up suit on our best athletes.

(Polite applause)

Let's play an early evening - first cocktail - version of:

Is it, or is it not, rock and roll?

Rubber bands? Rock and roll.

Paper clips? No.

Toothpicks? Rock and roll.

Floss? No.

"Two and a Half Men"? Rock and roll.

Reality TV? No. ("American Idol" isn't even rock and roll)

Calvin and Hobbes? Rock and roll.

Kathy? No.

A nap? Rock and roll.

Yoga? No.

Whoa, time out. Sandra Bullock turns 45 tomorrow? Damn she looks good. For any age, not just 45.

Sandra Bullock is rock and roll. Paris Hilton is not.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Ich Lex, I'm runnin' mit da big dogs, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hillary Clinton is recovering very well from her broken elbow. As part of Hillary Clinton's physical therapy, doctors have her repeatedly squeeze a ball. She has already destroyed quite a few because Hillary loves to bust balls.

There is high speculation that Prince William will propose this summer to his girlfriend, Kate Middleton. Like that Kate, she is pretty and classy, but she also looks like a girl who, during sex, can say; "Say my name, bitch," without taking the lit Marlboro out of her mouth.

That Kate Middleton looks like the kind of girl who can play a mean game of "Guess where my panties are not."

That Kate Middleton looks like the kind of girl who can make polite conversation at a formal dinner while conducting unspeakable activities with her date under the table cloth.

That Kate Middleton is very pretty and refined, but I would not be shocked to discover she has a lower back/butt tattoo that says "Next, please".

That Kate Middleton is a the picture of sophistication, but it wouldn't shock me to discover she has joined the mile high club while the plane was still on the runway.

That Kate Middleton looks like the kind of girl who will steal a guy's drink at a bar, swig it down, and, when he complains, tell him; "Fine, so spank me."

Love that Kate Middleton, but she strikes me as the kind of girl who likes to dress up as a hooker on Halloween and when a guy says. "Nice costume." She blows smoke in his face and says; "What costume?"

Although she is the personification of English sophistication, why can I easily picture Kate Middleton with a scotch in one hand, a cigarette in her mouth and cracking a whip with the other hand while yelling; "Pants off for Mommy"?

Last week was the 40th anniversary of the moon landing and all three astronauts met with President Obama. They told him the moon was scary, cold, barren, kind of like Hillary Clinton.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Missouri car dealer is offering new truck buyers a free AK-47 automatic weapon. In other words, he is inviting people - during tough economic times - to come to his business and providing them with a lethal weapon as well as a means of escape.

What could possibly go wrong?

Alec Baldwin's character Jack Donaghy:

"I've got great seats at Yankee Stadium. They're right between the player's wives and the player's girlfriends, except I don't go on bat day."

Here is all you need to know about Ruth Madoff in case you still harbored any sympathy for her.

At least twice a week for 30 years Bernie and Ruth went out to dinner at a nice family owned Upper East side Italian restaurant. Every time they came in, the owner would come over and say hello and ask how they were doing. Not once in the 30 years did Ruth ever even bother to look at the owner nor did she ever acknowledge him.

Granted, it isn't stealing billions of dollars, but it says a lot.

Brad Pitt told a German newspaper he does not believe in god. To which an angry and vengeful god then threatened Pitt with switching his life with mine . . . what the? I heard that, I am sitting right here for crying-out-loud.
Comic Con Opens in San Diego
(Locals notice a drastic shortage of asthma inhalers and water wings on store shelves)

In a fair and just universe, my saying "I Twitter Anna Faris" would have a much more exciting and enjoyable meaning.

Since you asked:
Great writer, Rick Reilly, used to be a harsh critic of Tiger Woods, but he has been won over by Tiger in many ways.

But Reilly wrote a recent piece on Tiger that, although it was highly complementary to Tiger in many ways, it implored Tiger to stop throwing tantrums when a shot does not go just exactly where he wants it to.

What Reilly and others fail to grasp is that, besides playing for one hundred million dollars a year in endorsement money as well as having a golf tournament on the line, when Tiger plays golf he is attempting to cure brain cancer, he is also fighting terrorists in Afghanistan as well as providing aid and care to African refugees.

Oh, wait, no he isn't. Never mind.

Sung to the tune of Elton John's "Rocket Man."

"Comic Con, uniting all the nerds out here as one."

Be sweet on the tweet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(this is not moi, as I think you gathered)

Wheaties is coming out with a cereal made just for male athletes. Although I don't think the truth-in-advertising laws did their new slogan any favors:

"Wheaties. Covering steroid cheater's butts since Bruce Jenner."

Sadly, Bridget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died at 15; Bridget was a female posing as a male for TV. Kind of like Ryan Seacrest.

Sadly, Bridget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died at 15; in a related story, it has just been discovered that 98% of all journalists have no idea how to spell Chihuahua. Personally, I could have sworn there was a J in there somewhere.

This just in: following his taped apology, singer Chris Brown was savagely and brutally beaten by a large, irate female feminist. That story is not true, but you have to admit it did make you feel good for a second.

Manny Rameriz came off the bench to hit a game-winning home run for the LA Dodgers despite an injured hand. It was thought Manny re-injured the hand after, but it turns out Manny was just waving his hand to help the fingernail polish air dry faster.

A car dealer in MO is offering an AK-47 with every truck purchase. The deal went bad when, after buying a truck, a customer held up the dealer with his new AK-47 and made off with all their cash . . . in his new truck.

Since you asked:

Do you know what I like about Twitter? No, really, I'm asking . . .

No, what I like about Twitter is how you can follow the daily activities of somebody rich and famous and you can believe your life is like theirs, right up until the split second it isn't:

"Had coffee, read the paper, took a shower, put on my old jeans and a t-shirt then got in my Lear jet Jacuzzi with three naked super models. God I love dinner in Paris."

Guess what I just heard for the first time? Wrigley growling. The dog is so sweet-natured he has never growled once in his seven years. But just now a bird got too close and Wrigley let him have one. Have to admit, it was scary sounding, but he isn't fooling me. If that bird had attacked Wrigley, he would have run away with his tail between his legs.

Although there are about three dead rabbits who would disagree as to Wrigley's tenacity.

Don't get me wrong, I likes me some Lance Armstrong, but some of those other cycling geeks? Especially that uber dork diva Alberto Contador. To give you an idea how selfish and egotistical Contador is, today team Astansa traded him to the Buffalo Bills for Terrell Owens.

Contador is living proof there is nothing quite as annoying as a nerd who thinks he is a stud.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"Michael Vick should be reinstated to the NFL, but only after they make humping and peeing on a QB's leg legal" sez Wrigley T.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Big Ben charged with sexual assault? We'll know it is serious when Ben asks Kobe for his attorney and his jeweler's phone numbers.

Amy Winehouse's ex, Blake, is suing Winehouse for ten million dollars because he claims he was the inspiration for her music. Upon hearing this, heroin, crack, ecstasy and cheap vodka also sued Winehouse.

Sarah Palin's last week as Alaska's Governor. She is going back to her old job as the friendly real estate agent with her picture on the bus stop bench.

The International Space Station has a record 13 astronauts and the toilet is busted. In a related story, the I.S.S. announced it has canceled tonight's "All You Can Eat Taco Night" until further notice.

In another related story, a record 13 astronauts volunteered for the next space walk.

It is raining so hard in New York, former Gov. Elliot Spitzer hired a hooker to squeegee his driveway.

NASA announced the toilet is broken on the International Space Station, the urine-to-drinking-water system is acting up and, for some odd reason, astronaut application requests are at an all time low.

Since you asked:
The NFL might conditionally reinstate convicted dog killer Michael Vick. They should, he did his time. As I have said, I will not watch one play he plays, but they should. The NFL recently had a guy in Adam "Pacman" Jones who shot and paralyzed a bouncer. They have a guy in Ray Lewis who had so much blood from a stabbing murder victim on his mink coat, a forensic expert said he either stabbed the guy or held him while he was being stabbed.

Being an NFL football player is not a test of the quality of a man's personality. It is simply a test of how well they can advance a football or stop someone from advancing with a football. Period.

Here is a new bit we at a.L.b.B. like to call:

Either it is rock and roll, or it is not

Coffee mugs? Rock and roll.

Coffee cups? Not.

Blue jeans? Rock and Roll.

Long Shorts? Not.

Steak sandwich? Rock and Roll

Turkey sandwich? Not.

E-mail? Rock and Roll

Twitter, Text Messaging, Facebook, MySpace? Not.

Labradors? Rock and Roll

Purse/Lap dogs? Not.

Bacon? Rock and Roll.

Cereal? Not.

Stand Up Paddle Board Surfing? Rock and Roll

Kayaking? Not.

iPods? Rock and Roll

Guitar hero? Not.

Running? Rock and Roll

Pilate's? Not.

BBQ ribs? Rock and Roll

Sushi? Not. (not making judgements here, I loves me some sushi, it just isn't rock and roll)

Red wine? Rock and Roll

White wine? Not.

Twitter? Not.

Flip flop sandals? Rock and Roll.

Crocs? Not.

Mont Gay Rum, coconut water and a lime squeeze? Rock and Roll

Mont Gay Rum, tonic water, lime squeeze? Not.

Comedian Jim Gaffigan? Rock and Roll

Dane Cook? Not.

A ceiling fan? Rock and Roll.

Air conditioning? Not. (Perfect example, I love air conditioning, always have, it just isn't rock and roll, now is it?)

Pencils? Rock and Roll.

Pens? Not.

Football? Rock and Roll.

Golf? Not.

New feature: Douche Bag of the Week!

Ex-Mr. Blake Winehouse
Don’t be bitter on the Twitter, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Former Laker girl, Paula Abdul, might not be back on “American Idol.” When asked to comment, Paula said; “Monkey shoe diamond musket doorbell honking flack jacket.” We think.

The San Diego Padres 37-56 on the season. The only catholic priests who had a worse year had to be relocated to different parishes by the Boston Archdiocese.

Starbucks is considering adding alcohol to its menu. Good idea. Give them a shot to numb the pain before they have to pay their coffee bill.

The Brooklyn Cyclones are offering pregnant women Lamaze classes and a craving station of pizza, pickles and ice cream. It is a transparent attempt to lure Manny Rameriz to play for them.

The best-attended sporting event is the Indianapolis 500 estimated at about 400,000. The least attended? The Michael Vick Dog Grooming Contest.

Besides the Padres, speaking of guys who strike out in San Diego, Comic-Con, the comic book convention, starts Thursday; it’s the only week where the convention hookers are only paid to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Some dirt-bag took a video through a hotel door key hole of a naked Erin Andrews, a tall pretty blonde ESPN reporter, and posted it on the Internet. This is the sleaziest thing to happen in sports that didn’t somehow involve Don King.

Since you asked:

My theory on baseball is a 162 game season is silly long. This was decided when there was nothing else to do during the summer. And then you have to get through the playoffs in one piece.

So the secret is to break up that monster season into chewable parts. Try and win all the series. And, if you go two up in a three game series, I'm not saying you quit and take the day off, but rest guys who are dinged up. Let that kid in the bullpen take a start.

Slumps happen when players try too hard. Tell a slumping player to try and get out. Just have fun. Or sit if he wants to. Don't worry about that game. That is how you get a slumping player out of a slump.

Life is like that, you have to break it into edible parts. This summer loomed in front of me like a huge sand storm. We had a nice vacation planned in Colorado, but, besides that, what camps would Ann Caroline go to? How would she get there? In short, how on earth are we going to get through this summer of 2009?

Well here we are and it is almost August. Can you believe that? And it has been a blast. A. C. had a cousin, Natalie, visit for a week from Colorado. Lots of surfing and beach picnics. Soccer tournaments that have been great. Lots of BBQ's both as guests and as hosts.

The secret, I think, is to break things into one week at a time. Just get through this week. Worry about next week next week. Don't give me this one day at a time, crap, that is too short sighted. Yes, live life to the fullest as best you can, but break things into one week at a time.

Monday, July 20, 2009

South Korea has cloned drug sniffing dogs. The dogs are so good at sniffing out drugs the Koreans aren't tempted to eat them.

John McCain is on Twitter. His last post? "How did these spirits get inside my computer? I am so scared right now."
Guess who is trying to convert to Judaism to impress her boyfriend? Britney Spears. It makes sense, she converted to Moronism to impress Kevin Federline.

Britney has one question about converting to Judaism: does she really have to changer her name to Judy?

This will last right up to the split second Britney finds out, if she is Jewish, she can't eat pork rinds.

Bad news for Sacha Baron Cohen. Paris Hilton said on Twitter she thought "Bruno" was funny. That's like being called healthy by Amy Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse is going to go through a nasty divorce. Her ex wants $10 million. That's $20 million in street value.

It was a little awkward, when former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, signed her book deal she asked; "So exactly how many do I have to color?"

(assist to Janice Hough)

First Sarah Palin, now former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has signed a big book deal. That noise you hear is Doris Kearns Goodwin spinning in her grave and she isn't close to dead yet.

In fact, when asked if she patterned her writing after Doris Kearns Goodwin, Prejean said; "Yep, all three of them."

New rule: Before you can sign a book deal, you have to prove that you can read one.
We gettin viral in the spiral up in this hizziral, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A surfboard maker in France is making a bio-friendly surfboard using a resin made out of soy, corn and sugar. Because, with an ocean full of sharks, what you really want to be on is a great big huge snack.

Paula Abdul's new manager says she may not be back to "American Idol." That's too bad, because I am sure this is a sincere message and not some sleazy lie by a deceitful agent to stage a publicity-driven negotiation advantage against the producers. We're going to miss you, crazy Paula.

When asked to comment, Paula said; "Wharelesmuhlemblewsharserfarcewabblie."

About-to-be-Sixty, Tom Watson, nearly won the British Open. It was a little awkward, when he missed his putt on 18 to lose the lead and cause a tie and a playoff, Watson picked up the ball from the cup and shouted;

"You punks get off my lawn."

About-to-be-Sixty, Tom Watson, nearly won the British Open. It just goes to show that us older athletes, despite our aging bodies, can still have the ability to, uh, um, oh shoot, what was I going to say? Never mind, I have to go to the bathroom anyway.

It was so fun watching the classy Tom Watson representing us slightly older athletes by beating up the field that was mostly younger than half his age, I got so excited, at one point, I jumped up off the couch to cheer. But I had to lie down because it hurt my back.

At the British Open in Turnberry, Scotland, the locals use their word for small, wee, all the time. The little creek is called the wee burn, a shot of whiskey is a wee nip, a chip shot is a wee shot. In fact, those Scots wee more than those guys in the Flomax commercials.

Walter Cronkite passed away. Many in the current press think this is tragic because now they will never know what the great journalist and broadcaster, Cronkite, thought about Michael Jackson's passing.

Since you asked:

People's ability to be obliviously selfish and inconsiderate is now, in this age of over-entitlement, becoming legendary in its rude thoughtlessness.

My favorite are the ladies - and yes, I mean ladies - at the grocery store who are able to combine their cart and their bodies, and sometimes their children's bodies, combined with their total disregard for anyone else, to clog up a grocery aisle in both directions. (Those huge white trash plastic car carts are a big contributing factor)

If one just stood there and waited from them to move out of the way, one would be there for minutes at a time. When I finally say pardon me, they cut a sinister; "What the hell are you bothering me for?" look and then they reluctantly move as if you asked them to wash your car, their inconvenience is so great.

How about a long line of cars waiting to turn right to the coast road in Del Mar in front of the race track? A guy in a huge black Cadillac SUV decides he is way too busy and important to wait in this line so he simply turns his wheel and steps on the gas to go in the outside line that is going straight, thus cutting right in front of me without so much as a glance.

I slam on the brakes and hit the horn which, luckily, causes him to stop suddenly, thus avoiding an accident, because, without the horn, he wouldn't have bothered to look to see if someone was coming.

Guess who got the finger and the dirty look with his 10-year-old daughter and her friend Hannah witnessing? You guessed it. Moi.

All you can do is laugh and shake your head.

This is a true story I have told here before.

At a stop light before the 56 highway in Carmel Valley on Carmel Country road, I was in back of a guy in a huge black hummer who was engaged in a heated conversation on his cell phone. In the course of his conversation, he must have forgetten he was at a red light, thinking it was a stop sign, and hit the gas hard screeching his tires running the red light. The car with the green light coming from his left, slammed on the brake to narrowly avoid him and honked their horn. The guy in the Hummer went crazy swearing at the person with the green light for making him stop while he was running the red light.

These people need to be hit with a taser right on the spot.