Serena Williams just had a girl. We don’t know the name of Serena’s girl, just that John McEnroe does not think she is as good at tennis as boys. 

The US lost in soccer to Costa Rica, 2-0 and now their World Cup qualifying is in doubt. “The next game is so important, they may have to start their best pitcher out of rotation,” said most US sports fans.

“The Art of the Deal,” ghost-writer, Tony Schwartz, said there is no way Donald Trump will pay his $ 1mil. donation to flood victims. And he probably will sue the flood victims for complaining about it. 

13 human feet have washed up on a Vancouver beach since 2007. They think the victims were hacked. 

The Cleveland Browns cut QB, Brock Osweiler. “And I thought my one-week firing from the Trump White House was humiliating,” said Anthony Scaramucci.  

The Cleveland Browns cut QB, Brock Osweiler. That is the NFL equivalent of being swipped-left on Tinder by Bill Cosby.

While handing out food to Houston flood victims, Donald Trump said his hands were too big for the plastic gloves. Oh my word. Trump made a joke. This disaster is worse than I thought. It is the apocalypse. 

After Joel Osteen closed his doors to flood victims, Houston Texan, JJ Watt raised $15 million for them. The JJ in JJ Watt stands for Juxtaposed Joel. 

The 33-games-behind-first San Diego Padres fired their hitting coach, Alan Zinter. I am shocked. The Padres had a hitting coach? Next thing you’ll tell me is the L.A. Chargers have a Director Of Not Doing Stupid Stuff. 

The New York bar, Johnny Utah, is being sued by a woman who hurt her knee on their mechanical bull. Johnny Utah was the FBI agent in “Point Break.” She should sue the producers of “Point Break” for their lousy surf shots. One second Utah is riding goofy-foot, the next second he is regular. It is embarrassing.

The L.A. Chargers were a dismal 1-3 in the preseason to sparse home crowds. In more important news for San Diegans: Anything. 

****
Donald Trump is donating $1 mil. to Hurricane Harvey flood victims. In a seemingly related story, The White House announced CNN will be charged $1 mil. to attend the next press conference.

****
Chipotle announced their first drive-through restaurants. This will give Chipotle customers a much-needed head start driving to the emergency room. 


****
Along with their 15 month-old son, Michael Phelps and is wife are expecting baby #2. In terms of fertility, who would have guessed Michael has some fast swimmers there?


****
Kendall Jenner has been named “Fashion Icon of the Decade.” And to her credit, there are only two words in that Kendall does not know. 


****
13 human feet - still inside their shoe - have washed up on a Vancouver beach since 2007. And, no, it is not named Hop Along Beach. 

13 human feet - still inside their shoe - have washed up on a Vancouver beach since 2007. Ten years is a long time to have trouble afoot. 


****
Houston Texan, J.J. Watt,  has raised over $15 million for the flood victims. But that one million you’re donating, billionaire Donald Trump, that’s good too. 

Houston Texan, J.J. Watt,  has raised over $15 million for the flood victims. After Joel Osteen locked out flood victims, J.J. just hung Joel Osteen from his underwear in the locker of public opinion. 

You know things are strange when an NFL player has to show an evangelist how to treat people.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the West, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

****

North Korea fired a missile over Japan. “That is great news,” said an old, skinny North Korean woman chasing a Schnauzer with a skillet. 

****

Kendall Jenner has been named “Fashion Icon of the Decade.” Upon hearing this, Kendall said, “This is an honor, and I want to personally thank Mr. Decade.”

Kendall Jenner has been named “Fashion Icon of the Decade.” Nice, except Kendall thinks Icon is the name of the “Game of Thrones” Ice King and she thinks Decade is a rapper. 

****

Apple CEO, Tim Cook confirmed they are working on a driverless car. Yeah, pass. I have a MacBook.  “Sorry to hear your car drove into your house. Did you upload the “No House Crashing” software update? No? Too bad.” 

****

28-year-old Chicago Cub, Anthony Rizzo, donated $3.5 mil. out of his pocket to Lurie Children’s Hospital. When I was 28, I handed out stolen dinner mints to kids for Halloween candy.

****

The Detroit Lions have signed QB, Matt Stafford to a $135 mil. deal. Which is pretty amazing considering Stafford has won just as many playoff games as Kendall Jenner.

****

French satire magazine, Charlie Hedbo, has stirred trouble by depicting the Hurricane Harvey victims as Nazis. “We should shut those bastards up,” said Neo-Nazis. “Tried that,” said Islamic Terrorists. 

****

28-year-old Chicago Cub, Anthony Rizzo, donated $3.5 mil. out of his pocket to Lurie Children’s Hospital. When I was 28, I rubbed magazine cologne samples on my arm pits. 

28-year-old Chicago Cub, Anthony Rizzo, donated $3.5 mil. out of his pocket to Lurie Children’s Hospital. When I was 28, I ate fortune cookies and sweet and sour packets for dinner. 

28-year-old Chicago Cub, Anthony Rizzo, donated $3.5 mil. out of his pocket to Lurie Children’s Hospital. When I was 28, Febreze was a suitable laundry substitute.

****

Kendall Jenner has been named “Fashion Icon of the Decade.” Immediately after this honor, Kendall Googled "Icon" and "Decade."

Since you asked:

Saw “Chef’s Table, France” on Alaine Passard. Michelin Three Star Chef. On Netflix. 

(Here is a fun fact: my beloved Chicago has as many 3-star Michelin restaurants as London. Two.) 

First of all the guy, Passard, is a genuine cooking genius. First to make an art of farm to table. 

Passard is the embodiment of doing what you love leads to greatness. 

But what cracks me up is how enamored Alaine seems to be with being French. French is such a gorgeous sounding language, it just bubbles off the tongue like fine Champagne, and Alaine just seems to bathe and luxuriate in the sound of his docent tones. And his gestures. And his chic, but understated clothes. And his heavenly garden. 

Mon Dieu, so freaking French. Such joie de vie. Ew la la. Huh, huh. No? Oui? N’es pas? 

The other thing that struck me is, when they interview great self-made successes and geniuses like Passard, Warren Buffett, George H.W. Bush and Neil Armstrong, one thing that sticks out is how lavishly they heap praise and credit on their teachers and their parents and their bosses. 

“Thank heaven I got to work for Mr. Bossy McBossypants. He was so generous and taught me so much. I owe him everything.”

Not with a trace of false modesty, just so intensely positive. Upbeat.  Appreciative. 

When I got out of my first year at UCSB for the summer - UCSB, my idea of heaven on earth - I found myself back in my beloved bucolic and Rockwellian Winnetka, Illinois, working for the Winnetka Park District. We were mainly the golf course crew for the public par three course, but we were also responsible for the ball parks and the parks. We mowed a lot of grass, is what we did. 

And at night, we drank a lot of beer and chased - sadly emphasizing the chase - a lot of women. 

One of the old guys who worked there was named Earl. For the movie, Earl would be played by Tommy Lee Jones reprising his “Lonesome Dove” character Woodrow Call, but far, far grumpier. Woodrow Call was Richard Simmons compared to Earl. 

Earl hated everything. Earl hated music. He hated jokes. He hated talking. And he muttered and swore constantly. Earl had served in the Merchant Marines, he looked like he had been in a few fights. Earl had some teeth issues. Earl had clearly had a rough life. (Earl did not grow up a pampered jock in Winnetka)  If Earl was a cartoon character, there would be a dark cloud above Earl's head. 

The only thing Earl admired was hard work.

Earl and I were as opposite as any two human beings could be - besides me and my brother, John. And Earl despised me.

After a day of digging ditches with Earl, I ran to my boss's office and begged him never to have me work with Earl again. My boss informed me Earl had already beaten me to that request.

But I promise you, if Alaine Passard, or Neil Armstrong, or Warren Buffett or GHW Bush had worked with Earl, they would have said,

“Thank goodness I had time working with Earl. Earl taught me the value and the emotional satisfaction of a hard day’s work. If not for Earl, I would not have learned that back-breaking labor, while brutal, is also its own reward.”

Me? I hated that mean ol’ Earl. Maybe that's why I am writing in a blog for free? 



Did you know that a great man once said if you work really hard and you're kind, great things will happen?

Welcome to my blog, Comrades:

Pageviews by Countries  Entry Pageviews United States 549 Russia 244 Canada 100 United Kingdom 16 Germany 9 Romania 6 Sweden 6 Spain 5 Finland 5 South Korea 5

ESPN radio host, Ryan Rusillo, was charged with being drunk and naked in a stranger’s Jackson Hole condo. ESPN now stands for especially sauced, partying naked.




Evangelist Joel Osteen is now saying he did not open his church to flood victims because nobody asked him. This amounts to the weakest defense since the Cleveland Browns were on a football field.



Evangelist Joel Osteen is now saying he did not open his church to flood victims because nobody officially asked him. It is the vaunted, “Say pretty please,” defense.



“Fox News” has hired right-winger, Tomi Lahren, as an analyst. In other shocking news, the “Food Network” has hired Chris Christie as their nachos expert.



All over Texas we’re hearing stories of courage and generosity in helping flood victims. And today in Houston, Joel Osteen even unlocked one of his church’s bathrooms. 



North Korea fired a missile over Japan. Eight years ago, when Donald Trump hosted a sloppy drunk Dennis Rodman on “Celebrity Apprentice,” who could have imagined those two would be our last chance for world peace?




USC unveiled a statue with a quote from “Hamlet” that misspelled Shakespeare. Asked to comment, a USC spokesperson said, 

“Who cares as long as our football team are goodly?” 

North Korea fired a missile over Japan. Once again, a nation turns its lonely eyes to Dennis Rodman.

Evangelist Joel Osteen is now saying he did not open his church to flood victims because nobody asked him. This amounts to the weakest defense since the Cleveland Browns were on a football field.

Evangelist Joel Osteen is now saying he did not open his church to flood victims because nobody officially asked him. It is the vaunted, “Say pretty please,” defense.

“Fox News” has hired right-winger, Tomi Lahren, as an analyst. In other shocking news, the “Food Network” has hired Chris Christie as their nachos expert.

All over Texas, we’re hearing stories of courage and generosity in helping flood victims. And today in Houston, Joel Osteen even unlocked one of his church’s bathrooms. 

North Korea fired a missile over Japan. Eight years ago, when Donald Trump hosted a sloppy drunk Dennis Rodman on “Celebrity Apprentice,” who could have imagined they would be our last chance for world peace?

Following the DUI of Kansas City Royal pitcher, Danny Duffy, Royal GM, Dayton Moore, told the press they discuss with players the dangers of alcohol, drugs and even pornography. And not just the undue stress porn puts on pitcher’s elbows.

Do snap de widdly bap, do bop de Beiber whap, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

****

Kansas City Royal pitcher, Danny Duffy, got a DUI after passing out in a Burger King drive-through. We knew Duffy was a good pitcher, but we had no idea he also had NFL potential.

They first suspected Duffy was inebriated when he passed an In-N-Out to go to Burger King.

****

The Detroit Lions signed Matt Stafford to the highest salary in NFL history with 5-year, $135 mil. Or, as Floyd Mayweather calls $135 mil., four rounds.

The Detroit Lions, who have not won a playoff game in 25 years, just signed Matt Stafford to the highest salary in NFL history with $135 mil. over five years. “That is a good investment,” said Bernie Madoff. 

****

Houston evangelist, Joel Osteen, refused to let flood victims into his 16,000 seat church. Have to say, I am so disappointed in Joel Osteen. He was so good in “The Sixth Sense.”

Houston evangelist, Joel Osteen, who refused to let flood victims into his 16,000 seat church, is now opening his doors. He just had to pump out the flooding from his B.S.

Joel Osteen refusing to open his church doors to flood victims was the worst public relations move since Bill Cosby hosted a Ladies Only Happy Hour.

****

Ann Coulter is under fire for saying god punishing Houston for electing a lesbian mayor is more credible than global warming. You would think Ann would be in a better mood since her Ice King melted the wall with their new blue dragon.


****
A great weekend for Floyd Mayweather. He extended his unbeaten streak to 50, earned $300 mil. and kept his domestic battery arrests at under 9. 


****

Houston evangelist, Joel Osteen, refused to let flood victims into his 16,000 seat church. Like Jesus said, “Do unto others unless it could hurt the property value.”

Since you asked:

Saw Sarah Silverman’s “Speck of Dust” (Netflix) for a second time, and I am more impressed than the first time. Her story about her sister in college is a gut-buster. While not as outspoken and shocking as she has been before, the alt-right will probably not like it. 

But what blew me away was the seamlessness between her ad-libbing and her amazing timing. Unlike many even top comedians, you cannot tell what is rehearsed and what is extemporaneous. Even when a great comedian appears to be winging it, 98% of the time it is rehearsed. And yes, that includes Robin Williams, RIP. With many comedians, even what appears to be random crowd input is often staged.

Not with Sarah. 

You can see her doing the writing in her head as she goes along. And that is one quick and smart head. She mispronounces the word horror and then corrects herself over and over. And just as soon as you think the word starts to lose meaning, she says, “I’ve said it too many times.”

Sarah is so open and refreshingly honest about being a child bed-wetter and being “dead-eyed and slack-jawed” when she masturbates, she embarrasses guys in the crowd with her insights of their whack-method of choice. Gym sock? Tissues? Shower? At one point she says, “You look like a “On the naked belly” kind of guy.” 

Don’t get me wrong, it is not all potty-body humor. She can get deep and dark. (Is almost dying of a staph infection in her throat a year ago dark enough for you?) 

Sarah is, to spew a cliche, in-the-moment as much as any comedian I have seen. Her comment to the audience that, “You’re my entertainment” hits home with anyone who has been lucky enough to have enjoyed doing stand up.

Go see “Speck of Dust.” Unless you’re Mike Pence of Donald Trump. And even Donald Trump might like it.



Whew, I just had my own Hurricane Harvey in the toilet, if you know what I mean. Mexican food, am I right? (Reading the room after the fact) Too soon? Got it.

While I suppose it is good Joel Osteen finally opened his church's doors due to the relentless bad press, it cannot be good that an Evangelist got caught lying about his church being flooded.