Floggin’ the bloggin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


British engineers have made a car that runs on human feces. It’s great, the car can never run out of gas, it just poops out on you.

But you have to use human feces, none of that low-octane dog poop, it will hurt the car’s performance.


Disney World is opening a resort for dogs. Finally, after exhausting all ways to drain every last dime from our kids, Disney has finally figured out a way to get to our money through our dogs.


Levi Johnston told “Variety” “It’s hard to figure me out.” Keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who finds condoms hard to figure out.


A British company has developed a car that runs on human feces. It gets over ten MPG’s. That’s Movements Per Gallon.


Supermodel Kate Moss is coming out with her own line of homemade jams. “I can’t wait to taste her cocaine and champagne jam” said nobody but Lindsay Lohan.


A man in New York was arrested for marinating his live cat in oil and peppers in his car trunk and he planned to cook the cat. He was charged with animal cruelty and operating a Korean restaurant out of his car without a license.


Justin Bieber has signed to be the celebrity spokesperson for the acne brand ProActive. Writing his memoirs while promoting a zit cream, is this a great country, or what?


Supermodel Kate Moss is coming out with her own line of homemade jams. I particularly like her flavors Narcissist Cinnamon and Anorexic Apple.


Justin Bieber has signed to be the celebrity spokesperson for the acne brand ProActive. No word yet on if he has a deal with Nike for the jock strap for boys whose testicles haven’t dropped yet.



More details emerging from the Jet Blue flight attendant who went ballistic. Apparently he picked up the intercom phone and screamed obscenities. And here I didn’t even know Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend was on the flight.


Male teachers in Wisconsin want the state to pay for their Viagra. It’s only fair, how else are they supposed to compete for sex with female teachers against teenage high school boys?

Can a brother get an old school woot, woot, woot, one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?



A British company has developed a car that runs on human waste. It will bring a whole new meaning to the term: a car crapping out on you.


A British company has developed a car that runs on human waste. When you’re low on fuel, instead of pulling into a gas station, you pull into a Taco Bell.



Golfer Phil Mickelson said he was suffering from a form of arthritis. Phil had stiffness in his joints. Not to be confused with Tiger Woods, he had stiffness in his joint.


The FDA has approved a new drug that prevents premature ejaculation. I think it’s called: Notsofastia.


The FDA has approved a new drug that prevents premature ejaculation. Don’t we already have this? It’s called: beer.


The FDA has approved a new drug that prevents premature ejaculation. To give you an idea how effective this is, this could make Louisville basketball coach, Rick Pitino, go from 15 seconds to an entire minute.

But is it really the men who suffer from premature ejaculation? They aren’t the ones who are complaining. It’s the women who, excuse me, get the short end of that stick.

Been big-doggin’ and time-floggin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


After his second break-up with Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston is getting a reality show. They’re having trouble coming up with a title as “The Biggest Loser” has already been taken.


Tiger Woods finished 30 shots behind at the Bridgestone Invitational, in fact, you know what Tiger’s performance had in common with Louisville hoop coach, Rick Pitino’s, waitress affair? They both were screwed after 15 seconds.


Tiger Woods finished 30 shots behind at the Bridgestone Invitational. This hasn’t been a good year for Tiger. But, on the bright side, his Thanksgiving will probably be better than last year.


A new cast member is joining “Jersey Shore”, Deena Cortese. Insiders are worried Deena might not fit in: turns out she isn’t quite a complete idiot.


A Russian finalist died in the World Sauna Championship in Finland where temperatures got to 230 degrees. Ironically it was the event organizers who were grilled by the press.


A 7-year-old boy has been selling his paintings for $200,000. But it’s not a bad deal, buy a $200,000 painting and the kid throws in a “Adults are stupid” t-shirt for free.


In Chicago’s Lollapalooza, Lady Gaga crowd surfed and a fan rushed up and licked Lady Gaga’s stomach. But don’t worry, medical personnel immediately injected the fan with penicillin, so he should be OK.

The fan said Lady Gaga tasted somewhere between Alex Rodriguez and Strip Club.


Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, Montana, has been in the news for planning to release a porn video, now it turns out she was once arrested for prostitution. On the bright side, “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki’s dad is starting to feel better about his parenting.


At Louisville basketball coach, Rick Pitino’s, extortion trial against a waitress, one of the most embarrassing details was the sex lasted just fifteen seconds. Oh, I’m sure rival Kentucky fans won’t exploit this:

“Hey, Pitino, even a minuteman takes sixty seconds.”

“Hey, Pitino, how does it feel to know the 20-second shot clock is better than you?”


In New York, a Jet Blue flight attendant, after a fight with a passenger, grabbed a beer from the beverage cart and slid out of the plane on the emergency slide. Experts say this is the coolest way to get fired next to nailing the boss’s wife on the copier at the Christmas party.

It’s the exact same way former V.P. Dick Cheney left Air Force 2 for the last time.


Phil Mickelson declares he’s a vegetarian and immediately develops arthritis problems. I’ve got two words about a great golfer who changed to a strict diet and vanished from the PGA: David Duvall. We need to worry about Tiger Woods becoming a vegetarian about the time John Daly starts teaching a Jazzercise class.


Since you asked:

Saw “Date Night” last night and while I can recommend it, I have to admit I am a huge Tina Fey and Steve Carell fan and would like almost anything they were in including a QVC infomercial.

The "DN" plot is clever, but it seems to drag a touch at the end. Mark Wahlberg is very funny as a very unfunny guy. And my man Lyle the intern from “Late Show” fame does a good bad guy. My other other brother from another mother, J.B. Smove, comes in and steals the movie a bit.

No, “Date Night” was an excellent time-waster while waiting to hear all of my jokes that did not get on “The Tonight Show.”

Frizabriazrazzafrizinswagafrigamaraizaroll.

Dear Tiger:

Please, please go out and get laid a lot again.


Love,

Tiger's Swing

My band The Snoring Puppies' fourth album cover



We back-sassin’ and half-assin’ up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Louisville basketball coach, Rick Pitino, won his extortion case against a waitress he had sex with. One of the more embarrassing details to come out in the trial was Pitino and the waitress only had sex for 15 seconds. That barely gave Pitino enough time to dribble before he shot.

Mike Tyson said he used to have a bad cocaine addiction. Wow, a guy who decided it would be a good idea to get a face tattoo had a problem with drugs? What a shock.

New York City has a serious bed bug infestation. The New York bed bug infestation is so bad it is starting to scare away some of the cockroaches and rats.

First it was cockroaches, then lice, then rats, then raccoons and now bed bugs. And that’s just in Donald Trump’s hair.

One of the more embarrassing details to come out in the Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino extortion trial was Pitino and the waitress only had sex for 15 seconds. Brings a new ugly meaning to putting up a last second shot.

President Barack Obama turned 49 this week. Or at least that’s what his phony birth certificate says.

President Barack Obama turned 49 this week. To give you an idea how old that is, Justin Bieber will be starting on his fourth memoir by then.

12 Boy Scouts camped overnight in Times Square. The bad news? The next day five of them qualified for their pimp merit badge.

Alcohol consumption is at a 25-year high. But, don’t worry, that study was conducted before Lindsay Lohan was in jail, so it’s lower by now.

12 Boy Scouts camped overnight in Times Square. The next day they checked their traps and discovered they caught three hookers, a pimp and an Ohio Kiwanis conventioneer named Gus.

12 Boy Scouts camped overnight in Times Square. There was a touching moment when a homeless man offered to start their camp fire with his crack pipe.

A New Jersey couple who named their three kids after famous Nazis, including Adolf Hitler, lost custody of the kids. Kids, don’t think of it as being separated from your parents, think of it as escaping from two crazy people.

12 Boy Scouts camped overnight in Times Square. It was cute, they helped little old hookers cross the street.

One of the more embarrassing details to come out in the Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino extortion trial was Pitino and the waitress only had sex for 15 seconds. Oh, I’m sure rival Kentucky fans won’t exploit this:

“Hey Pitino, even a 30 second commercial takes 30 seconds.”

“Hey Pitino, how was your 15 seconds of fame?”

“Hey Pitino, how did it feel to beat the shot clock?”

Happy Birthday to Spice Girl Geri Halliway who turned 38. Halliway is known as Ginger Spice, but when she turns 40 she’ll have to change her name to Old Spice.

Applebee’s is now open until midnight. This is great news for all the old people who suddenly get the urge to blow on soup at 11:30 pm.


Since you asked:

As a Chicago Cubs fan living in San Diego it’s fun to watch the division leading Padres. The difference between watching a contender than a team 14 games behind, like the Cubs, is the difference between watching your wife paint your house versus watching your ex-wife painting her new husband’s house.

This how you can tell the season has been bad for the Chicago Cubs: about early August the announcers start talking about how wonderful it is to see a game at Wrigley Field regardless of the outcome.