Friday, June 17, 2016

This just in:

Russia’s track team is banned from the Rio Olympics due to doping. Russian President, Vladimir Putin, was so furious he ripped off his shirt and turned into the Hulk. 

One woman discus thrower was so upset by this news, she nearly ripped out half of her chest hair.

In China, an artist is making a painting using brushes inserted in her vagina. The name of the painting? “Third Base.”

Lin-Manuel Miranda, the star and creator of “Hamilton,” is leaving the show on July 9th. Kelly Ripa is so pissed at him.


In Atlanta, Herman Cain introduced Donald Trump by saying Trump is not a racist. Trump then said, “Thank you, Bill Cosby.” 

Everyone needs pickles, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

In China, artists are painting calligraphy using brushes inserted in their vaginas. Critics have dismissed the art as “Bush League.” 

You’ve heard the term Art Deco? This is Art Taco.

The identity of the artists is a mystery. It is a real “Who-Ha Done It?”

The artists claim the paintings were done by their vaginas only and that their work was not tainted. 

The documentary “OJ: Made In America” is bringing back memories of the racial divide caused by the Simpson trial. Specifically how Kate Kaelin’s testimony made even white people hate white people.

At a speech in Atlanta, Herman Cain said, “Donald Trump is not a racist.” Then Trump said, “Herman, you are my new African American. The other guy? You’re fired.”

A Federal court has upheld a ruling guaranteeing Internet access for all. For I believe it was the great patriot, Patrick Henry, who said, “Give me lipstick lesbians or give me death.” 

Comedian Kevin Hart had $500,000 in jewelry, watches and clothes stolen from his home. Kevin had security, but apparently it came up short.

Charlie Sheen - who is HIV positive -  has endorsed a line of Swedish condoms. That’s like having a Kardashian endorse an online university.

After meeting privately with Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders is still running. Apparently Bernie did not jump at Hillary’s offer to be a greeter at Hillary’s campaign gift shop. 

Republican candidate, Donald Trump, is polling unfavorably with 70% of the US. In a related story, Illinois is investigating harnessing the alternative energy of Abraham Lincoln spinning in his grave. 

Yesterday was 6-16-16 with three sixes. Asked to comment, Donald Trump said nothing and released his snarling Rottweilers with the red glowing eyes.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Why my ass all chew up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Hillary Clinton met privately with Bernie Sanders yesterday. The most shocking part? The sock hanging from the doorknob. 

Sounds like two older folks had some hot after-primaries hate-sex.  

During a rally, Donald Trump suggested the crowd shout-out their suggestions for his running mate. So the official republican ticket is Donald Trump and Seymour Pujols.  

Many are mocking Steph Curry’s new shoe as an old guy shoe. The good news is they come with a computer chip that reminds you why you walked into a room.

Scientists have discovered frogs use six different sex positions. Said female frogs, “That’s nice, but just use that tongue.”

Scientists have discovered frogs use six different sex positions. This was released in a study titled; “Scientists Really Do Not Get Laid.” 

Many people are mocking Steph Curry’s new shoe as an ugly old dad shoe. It did not help that they named the shoe the Air Back In My Day. 

Polls show Donald Trump’s support with white males is dropping. That’s like a snowman’s support of the cold dropping. 

In Montreal, women will be allowed to go topless this summer. In other words, In Montreal, those Monts are about to get Real. 

Since you asked:

Tech Section:

After I graduated from UCSB in 1981, I had a job selling CPT stand along (meaning they could not do anything else) word processing computers. Which, in today’s computer industry, is like telling a organic, grass fed, Wagyu beef boutique butcher shop I used to sell brontosaurus burgers. 

Recently I eye-guzzled “Silicon Valley.” Just when I thought my admiration of T.J. Miller could not be stronger, he takes it to a new level. Plus he did a DeNiro "Raging Bull" thing with putting on weight for his role.

But the level of comedy in “Silicon Valley” is wildly exaggerated than actually exists in the computer world. (Yes, I know it is a comedy) The level of dorkness combined with smugness in that industry precludes a sense of humor. (See: Steven Jobs) 

One of the ongoing sources of comedy in the show "Silicon Valley" is how impossibly arrogant and humorless the folks are in that entire industry, but especially at the top. 

Remember, we are dealing with an industry where the vast majority of the people making a living in it, the IT folks, their technical expertise tops out at, "Try turning it off and then turn it back on." 

But I know there are folks out there in Silicon Valley who both have and appreciate a great sense of humor. One of my roommates in a dorm at UCSB was a tech genius and he had a great sense of humor. 

What Google, Yahoo, Amazon, Apple, and everyone else maybe besides YouTube need is more comedy. That is why they need to hire me. 

But here are some good terms to know and facts that have not changed since I was in the computer game. 

Hardware is what the people who write software blame the problems on and software is what the people who build hardware blame the problems on. 

V.C. went from a very bad thing in the Sixties to a good thing in Silicon Valley. 

Apps are the haps. 

Salespeople are the jocks of the nerd-dominated computer world. People skills are an anathema for computer 99% of tech nerds. 

Algorithm is a fancy term for a computer program. An algorithm ranges from getting two numbers to add up to another number or it is an ingenious search engine. It is what remembers what you bought on Amazon. It is the fancy math crap the geeks write on the giant white board and then take pictures of with their iPhones. It is also what allows them to buy ranch houses, Lamborghinis and yachts. And porn.

Beta means something that is crappy on fake purpose. It is the prototype of a software without the bugs worked out. I.e, “This things sucks.” “Of course it sucks, it is just the Beta.” 

This is a comedy intervention, Silicon Valley. Do not let the hilarious show “Silicon Valley” be the ironic mocking inside joke that it now is. Grow a sense of humor. Somebody at Twitter, Facebook, Google or Snapchat needs to hire an entire staff of comedians. 

Virgin Airlines has done it, the CIA has done it. Hell, even Al Gore did it years ago. 

Let me be your comedy consultant. 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

In the Preakness, Creator won narrowly by a nose. And by a nose we are not talking Barbra Streisand, we’re talking adult Michael Jackson. 

Chef, Bobby Flay, purchased a piece of Belmont winner, Creator, prior to the race. This has to be the first time a chef buying part of a horse has turned out to be good news. 

Without a Triple Crown contender, the Belmont Stakes turned into the high school graduation party where none of the jocks or cheerleaders showed up. 

FOX Sports reporter, Emily Austin, was fired for making racist comments on Facebook Live. Between this and the ugly on-film tirade against a parking lot attendant by ESPN’s, Britt McHenry, I am beginning to suspect pretty blonde sports reporters may not be quite as brilliant as we all assumed.

In a documentary, one of OJ Simpson’s prison guards said he heard Khloe Kardashian beg OJ to take a paternity test because she was afraid he was her father. Hard to believe OJ could do something like that to his best friend, Rob Kardashian. Oh, wait, OJ murdered the mother of his children and a stranger. Yeah, he could do something like that.  

However, it is impossible to imagine a woman as classy as Kris Kardashian could ever cheat on her husband with his best friend, whah, hah, hah. Shoot, I thought I could say it without laughing… 

Stir it up, little darling, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After finishing second in the Kentucky Derby and winning the Preakness, Exaggerator, finished a dismal 11th - third from last - in the Preakness. Or as Exaggerator put it: he almost won the Triple Crown. 

Preakness winner, Exaggerator, will be put out to stud where he will perform his services with a mare three times a day. Or as Exaggerator puts it: ten times a day. 

Many people are mocking Steph Curry’s new shoe line as an ugly old dad shoe. It did not help that they named the shoe line the Air You Punks Get Off My Lawn. 

A 48-year-old Bronx hospital worker was found dead on the job of a heart attack while masturbating. I’ve heard of loving your job to death, but that is ridiculous. 

Since you asked:

Roseanne Barr has endorsed Donald Trump. The list of celebrities who endorse Trump is the official Washed-Up, Crazy A-Hole list: Roseanne Barr, Sarah Palin, Caitlyn Jenner, Scott Biao, Ted Nugent, Steven Seagal, Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson, Billy Baldwin, Gary Busey. 

How is OJ Simpson not on this list?  

During a speech in Florida this week, Donald Trump, publicly and viciously humiliated the sound man for giving him a flakey mic. “Hey daddy, why are you so excited this morning?” “Honey, today your father gets to set up the sound system for our country’s republican presidential nominee. It is a real honor.” “Oh, daddy, I am so proud of you.” 

This is the guy many people want to be our next president. 

This is what the woman at the hotel screamed at. Puppy Wally. 

A few years ago our pipes burst and we had to take up residence with our puppy, Wally, in a Residence Inn right next to Qualcom’s headquarters for a month. The hotel rooms had kitchens and the place was pet friendly, but none of, or at least not many other guests, had pets. 95% of the guests of the half-empty-during-the-week hotel were high tech folks from all over the world who were put up there for months at a time by Qualcom.

Now, maybe it was due to a difference in cultures, maybe it has something to do with how the brains work of really smart and tech-savvy people. But it has been my experience most people were, A, friendly, and B, liked cute puppies. Neither was the case with most of Qualcom’s foreign gun-for-hires. 

Keep in mind I am an admitted needy guy. So I like to make friends whenever possible. As a youngest child and a comedy writer, that officially makes me needier than a lost puppy in the rain. But these folks were not friendly. 

Weekends were a different story. The hotel would fill up with families from all over California in town for various tournaments, mostly volleyball and soccer, and the hotel was a bastion of fun-loving, friendly, laughing, splashing friendly folks. 

But during the week 95% of the 50% occupants were stern, hard-working Qualcom folks from distant and exotic lands. 

One early 60’s-something woman - from I think South Africa - actually screamed at the top of her lungs when the elevator doors opened and I was holding little white fur ball that was puppy Wally. 

Now, the second she screamed, I realized intuitively that this was a cultural difference. Where she came from dogs were to be feared. That did not matter to me. Here we were in a nice hotel early in the morning and I was holding a sweet, cute puppy, on a beautiful quiet morning. Her response was wildly inappropriate. 

When she screamed, scaring me and Wally half-to-death, I absolutely let her have it with both barrels. If a censor was bleeping me it would have been one long bleep. It was like “The Exorcist,” I called her names I did not know I knew. “You beeping scream at a beep, beeep, little puppy?  Beep, you beeping beeper little puppy beeper beeping piece of beeping beep.”

And I still do not feel bad about it. 

They had a state-of-the art brand new gas grill by the pool. Nobody used it during the week but me. When I grill I love to grill to music - like at home - so I would put out my portable iPod speakers and play my grilling playlist - heavy with Bob Marley, Jimmy Buffett, Jack Johnson, Van Morrison, Beach Boys, Eagles  - at a polite level. (One time I was playing this playlist at sunset at Power Park above the beach in Del Mar. When we packed to leave, three different people came over to me and asked me to give them my playlist) 

Nope. People complained to the management about the music. Had to use headphones. 

Then one day I came out there to grill, per usual, with puppy Wally on his leash, this time there was a sign in bold letters on paper in a hard plastic case on top of the grill that said, “Please do not put your pet on a leash in the pool/grill area. It upsets some of our out-of-town guests.” 

Guess what sign I utterly ignored each time I grilled? If someone was useless enough to complain about a puppy sitting quietly chewing on his bone on a leash, they would have to do it to my face. Nobody did. 

One time a nice hotel employee, a young guy, came out all hang-doggy and apologetic and said people were complaining about Wally being on the leash by the pool. (Remember, this is a hotel that accepts pets) As nicely as I could I told him, “Ask those people who are complaining to come talk to me.” He agreed. They never talked to me. Wally stayed. I tore up the sign. 

Prior to staying in that hotel, it was my bias that most people love being friendly, love music, love grilling, love wine, beer, sports, comedy and puppies. 

Not the case. 

There are many people out there who do not like any of those things. At all.