Saturday, February 07, 2009

My man, Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger will be on "Sixty Minutes." I like "Sully," he reminds me of a guy who winks a lot and calls people Champ.

"Sully" reminds me of the guy at the Barbeque who has a lot of tips on lighting the charcoal. 

"Sully" reminds me of a guy who has an incredible pipe collection. 

"Sully" looks like a guy who likes to walk his two labradors, Scamp and Chester.

"Sully" reminds me of the golfer who tells you, when you land in the sand trap, "No, great shot, you're on the beach." 

"Sully" reminds me of a guy who says; "When it comes to steak, you just can't beat a good Porterhouse."
Hop, stop and drop, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scientists in Columbia have found a huge snake fossil and that snake was so big, it used to feed on cows. It was so big, it swallowed cows. They named it a Kirsty-Alley-aconda

Scientists in Columbia have found a huge snake fossil and that snake was 42 feet long. Experts think this is the biggest snake ever that didn’t used to be governor of Illinois.

Hard rain gonna fall
It was raining so hard in Los Angeles, in Hollywood the rain actually washed a straight guy into a theater showing “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

To give you an idea how much of a chick flick “He’s Just Not That Into” is, one man who saw it said afterwards he felt like his kidney was being removed from his vagina.

Hate to hear that
Doctors at Johns Hopkins removed a healthy kidney through a woman’s vagina; the bad news? She had just come in to get a mole removed.

Is that smart?
Cereal maker Kellogg has dropped Michael Phelps endorsement after his tabloid pot-smoking photograph. That’s smart because nobody eats cereal when they’re stoned. Are you kidding? Besides Dorritos, cereal is the only meal stoners can fix. Toast requires too much cooking.

Makes sense
President Obama is trying to stop the Wall Street bonuses. We shouldn’t be surprised Wall Street gives themselves bonuses, when you mix the letters in Wall Street you get: Rat Well Set.

That bad
To give you an idea how bad the economy is, in New York people are going to Knicks games just to see something that sucks worse than Wall Street.

Since you asked:

You non-midwestern folks familiar with the term ahunert? As the wonderful Bonnie Hunt said on Letterman many years ago, it is the standard large unit of measure for suburban Chicago kids:

"If I had ahunert dahlers I could buy ahunert carsssss."

"Oh, you wannas play me in hoops? Well good luck 'cause I'm like ahunert times better dan youse." 

Friday, February 06, 2009

This just in:
Cereal maker Kellogg has dropped Michael Phelps for his pot-smoking picture. Phelps just now issued a second statement of apology, but I am not sure this one was as effective. This time Phelps said;

“Once again, I want to apologize and I want to allay anyone’s doubt . . .heh, heh, I said allay. Get it? A lay. Hey, Dude, you gonna finish those Cheetos? ”

We gonna throw down old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In other words, he’s old
The heroic US Airways crew that landed in the Hudson was on Larry King Live. Larry said it was the bravest flight he has ever seen since Orville and Wilbur Wright at Kitty Hawk.

That bad
The Cleveland Cavaliers LeBron James scored 52 points against the lowly New York Knicks. To give you an idea how bad the New York Knicks are, if they were a disabled aircraft, they would have landed on the Jennifer Hudson.

Not good
Everyone is trying to cash in on the Hudson Hero, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger; McDonalds introduced the new McSullenburger, but it’s not good: you choke on its feathers and you have to ditch it in the toilet water.

Not that package
President Barack Obama is pleading for his stimulus package to be approved by Congress. It’s the hardest a president has pleaded to have his package approved since, well, Bill Clinton hired Monica Lewinski.

And yet Hollywood big shots wonder why we hate them
Many actors are coming to the defense of “Batman” star Christian Bale’s obscenity-laced tirade at a lighting guy. Apparently getting paid millions of dollars to play pretend is even much more stressful than landing a plane in the Hudson River.

My man, “Sully”
Have you heard the audio transcript of my man, Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, telling the La Guardia tower he has to land in the Hudson River? I’ve heard people in Los Angeles get far more upset when their Starbucks order isn’t right.

Not good news
Google now allows you to track your friends or family through their cell phone on Google Maps. This is really bad news for Bill Clinton.

Bless their hearts
The economy is so bad in New York the hookers are offering a Knicks special. For an extra $100 they will suck at both ends of the court.

Who knew?
Harry Markopolis told a Senate finance committee that he gave repeated warnings to the SEC about Bernie Madoff’s financial scam but the SEC repeatedly did nothing. And here I didn’t even know the SEC was a branch of FEMA.

The gift that says a lot
A big gift this Valentines Day is the blanket with arms, the Snuggie. And what better way to show you care than to give the gift that says “Take that big step in sacrificing your dignity for comfort in your old age.”

Since you asked:
As with all people who have testicles, - sorry Boyer - I consider myself an expert on all things dealing with poker, women and grilling. OK, not so much on women.

Let me, for once and forever, end the long running charcoal versus gas grilling debate.

If you want the best of both gas and charcoal grilling worlds, on top of one of the gas burners simply place a metal smoking box -it is just a rectangular metal box about 20 inches long and seven inches wide and three inches deep with holes in the lid -with soaked mesquite chips. Let the grill warm up until you see smoke coming from the box.

The smoker gives a gas grill all the smoky flavor of charcoal without the pain-in-the-neck of lighting charcoal along with a much more consistent heat source. Hickory or apple chips work well for sweet stuff with barbeque sauce, like ribs and chicken, but the mesquite has a great smoky flavor. When grilling longer cooking recipes, like pork shoulder or beef brisket that can take many hours, simply add soaked wood chips once an hour to the smoker.

Since you asked, "Glory Days" version:

Talking to an old friend about old friends, I was reminiscing about high school and, like all high school kids everywhere, we had a small group of the really cool kids. In retrospect, most of the really cool kids came from money, but some didn’t. They just had cool kid attitude.

Now in most schools the jocks are considered the ultimate cool kids, but as one of those jocks, that was not the case. (In our group we weren’t all strictly jocks, but I will use that as a one word description) Don’t get me wrong, we were still pretty cool and dated cheerleaders, but the cool kids were more intense than us. More grown up. Cooler.

We, the jocks, could go to cool kid parties and we were all friendly, but we weren’t in that small clique. Two of my good friend jocks were, but I wasn’t comfortable with that group. And they didn’t want me so it worked out fine.

Once I went off to college it took me a couple years, but I really hit a good stride again in Santa Barbara. At one point I felt like I knew everyone on campus either in the Greek fraternity and sorority side or from my major in Communications to the restaurant I worked in a three days a week or the track team. I’m not saying I was the big man on campus, I wasn’t. But I hung with a few of them. A couple of them were in our fraternity.

And U.C.S.B. - with the notable exception of the engineers and computer science guys who are probably all rich as hell now - was a 15,000 person college of just the good looking cool kids from their high schools.

That summer I got home to Illinois from Santa Barbara and I happened to run into all the cool kids at a party. One of the cool kid girls – who in high school was literally cool towards me - started shamelessly flirting with me and I felt like a freaking celebrity.

But something was off.

The cool kids weren’t so cool anymore. Especially compared to my adopted Santa Barbara cool kids. Most of the cool kids had stuck around town after high school and their stock had seriously devalued. College hadn’t meshed well with many of them and they seemed to be lost. (In fairness, a couple went on to be huge business successes)

The cool kids were washed up at age 20. Why on earth did we ever think they were so cool?

You'd think this would be a vindication, but it was a truly uncomfortable moment. Once high school is over there is no more need for cool kids, the cool kids title is out, but if there was, my friends would have now been promoted. And it felt awkward.

Heavy lies the crown on the head of the guy who has to wear the heavy crown. Because its heavy. The crown, that is.

Or something like that.

It made me realize, if you really could go back in time or see a movie of your life in high school as it happened, it would be a nightmare. All the great moments you have embellished over time would be a disappointment and all the awful moments wouldn’t seem so bad. 

(Except that time I was running late out of gym class and ran past two of the meaner cool kid girls, Kiley and Becky, and they started laughing hysterically at me and I didn’t realize why until I had passed them and looked down to see my fly was wide open with the shirttail sticking out)

Cut the lights. Roll my high school film:

Oh, wow, there is that girl in biology who drove me insane with love and lust because of her amazing corn-fed Midwestern creamy thighs. Ghhhhhad. Wait. Is she smacking her gum? And what is with that limp hair? Don’t be afraid to brush it, girl. They make conditioner and hair dryers, use them. Oh, honey, stop playing with your frickin’ split ends for one second.

Oh, look, there is that really tough scary Keith guy with the muscle car who everyone says goes to bars in Wisconsin to start fights with truckers, man, he is one tough . . . hold on. What is with his expression? Why are his eyes darting around? Is he? He is. He is abjectly terrified of some secret coming out. He looks like a wounded animal. The toughest guy in our high school was in the closet.

Cue: “Glory Days*.”

In high school, monday night in the fall after football practice meant the game film from Saturday. If I had scored a couple touchdowns I was excited to see it. If I had blown a block here and there, I was terrified of getting screamed at by our psycho coach.

The games where I thought I had played so well it was a miracle the town didn’t carry me away on their shoulders? Turns out they weren’t that great. And the games I was terrified I was going to get screamed at? My mistakes weren’t all that noticeable.

And those tributes-to-self-delusion game films were happening just two days later. Not 33 years.

Just like Hollywood, we tend to take our past and make them a few steps better. Or worse. Like in “Marley & Me” the author John Grogan is a fine looking guy and his wife, Jennifer, was pretty. But Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston? Come on.

No matter how great you thought it was or how awful, your life in high school is better off staying in the film vault.

Except when the Senior head cheerleader (watch the head jokes) Debbie Fox, a vision in her thick long blonde hair, fuzzy green and white sweater and green and white pleated skirt, sat in front of me in the bleachers at the basketball game and leaned back to wear my sorry Junior lap like a throne in front of the whole school?

I’m sorry, but that was freaking awesome.

(Oh lord, not with the Debbie Fox story again. It’s been over three decades Lex. Let it go, pal)


* Notice how the glory days haven’t seemed to have ever passed Bruce Springsteen? Bastard.

This just in:

Tabloids claim Madonna is dating a 22-year-old Brazilian model. It's cute, she's teaching him English. Specifically how to say; "Yes, Mistress Madonna, you are a wonderful actress. Can I have my spanking now?"

Thursday, February 05, 2009

We’re going in the Hudson, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


There is an active volcano in Alaska. It is serious, Sarah Palin can see the smoke from her house.

The gift

Valentines Day is near and if you are thinking about a gift for your loved one, you can’t go wrong with a Snuggie, the blanket with arms. Because nothing says you care more than a gift that says; “I think you’re too stupid to operate a regular blanket.”


The blanket with arms, the Snuggie is everywhere. Paris Hilton got a Snuggie, but she couldn’t figure out the directions.

Not easy to please

How about that US Airways hero Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger.? Not everyone is happy with “Sully”. Today Al Gore yelled at him for polluting the Hudson River.

Not easy

It is not going to be easy for President Barack Obama to institute tax reform. First he has to explain to his cabinet members what paying taxes actually is.

That guy

Bad news, that big annoying rodent that won’t go away predicted six more weeks of winter. What’s his name again? Oh yeah, Al Roker.

Quite a difference

Did you know that, at the inauguration, former President Bill Clinton met Hudson hero Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger? One landed in the Hudson the other hopes to land on Kate Hudson. 

Oh no

Rough day in Pennsylvania yesterday. The ground hog, Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of Rod Blagojevich interviews.

Good booking

This Rod Blagojevich nut job is everywhere on TV. Daytime talk shows, night time talk shows morning talk shows. And tomorrow his hair is going to be on “Animal Planet.”

Since you asked:

Now, I don't want to go off on a  rant here - but when has that ever stopped me? - but we need a little perspective with this Christian Bale tool. 

As you've probably heard, pretty boy Batman Bale goes postal on some lighting guy with an F-bomb laden tantrum. Now all these Hollywood big shots are running to his defense spewing about how hard it is to be in-the-moment in a movie scene and have that moment ruined.

Meanwhile while these La La land actors try to hoist Christian on their actor's cross, the cockpit tape from my man, Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger comes out with the Hudson Hero reacting to both engines dying and having to ditch his jet in the Hudson like he was just told there would be another minute wait for his table. As we speak aging Yuppies in the entertainment business are melting down hysterically if there isn't enough foam on their Latte. 

So, apparently, movie stars want us to believe that getting make-up put on and playing pretend for millions of dollars is a lot more stressful than landing a disabled plane in a crowded city river. 

Can you imagine how Christian Bale would have reacted if he had to bail a jet in the water?

And yet Hollywood wonders why we think they're a bunch of self-important knobs? 

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Work it, work it, work it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you hear about the obscenity-laced tirade “Batman” actor Christian Bale gave to some lighting director? And this wasn’t in that impossible-to-understand-Batman voice either. He enunciated every F-word.

Like that
A California man has been confirmed to have total recall. He can recall everything. Every second. Every detail. It’s like my wife when I drink too much at a party.

Deja Vu
Now that the Super Bowl is over there are no basketball playoffs anytime soon, baseball hasn’t started, there is nothing going on and there is nothing to look forward to for a long, long time. It’s like President Bush is President again.

Explorers have discovered the shipwreck of the 1744 HMS Victory. Ironically the HMS Victory sunk while the HMS Dismal Failure enjoyed a long and prosperous maritime legacy.

Same thing
President Bush is relaxing in Crawford, TX. He’s watching TV, taking naps, playing video games, he’s not reading memos or having meetings. It’s the same routine Bush had as President.

Like that, 2
The football season is over, there is nothing going on, nothing to cheer for, nothing to look forward to, it is just like being a fan of the Detroit Lions.

Not easy
President Bush is relaxing in Crawford, TX. Leaving the top office is not always an easy transition for a President to make. It took Bill Clinton a month to quit his chubby intern habit.

Half as much
President Bush is relaxing in Crawford, TX. Normally this is the time an ex-president reflects on his successes and his failures. Bush only has to do half of that.

There is stoned and then there is stupid
After a tabloid picture showed him smoking pot, multi-gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps apologized. You can tell Phelps was wasted. You want to know how? He let someone take his picture while he was getting high. What the hell is the matter with him?

Good news
After a tabloid picture showed him smoking pot, multi-gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps apologized so his sponsors will stick by him. Not only that, Phelps may pick up deals from Doritos, Visine, The Discovery Channel and Play Station 3.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Stompin’ whompin’ chompin’ and rompin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hey, what the . . ?
A Tucson TV station mistakenly broadcasted ten seconds of pornography during the Super Bowl. Guys called in to complain. They complained it was about ten seconds too short.

It was the most obscene thing to happen during a football game since USC trounced Oregon State and the announcer said; “The Trojans are really pounding the Beavers.”

Different rodent
Yesterday was the day that flea-bitten rodent sticks his head out, sees his shadow and goes back inside for six more weeks. Not the ground hog, Bernie Madoff during house arrest.

Mental health day
Did you know the day after the Super Bowl is the day that the most people call in sick to miss work? Yeah, even in the porn industry. “Yeah, this is “Triple X” Rex, tell Amber and Heather I’m not feeling well enough to work on “Naughty Sorority Girls” today.”

Tough times
It was sad to see how the economy affected the Super Bowl. In a cheap product placement stunt, the referee’s flag was replaced with a ShamWOW. And John Madden broadcasted the entire game wearing a Snuggie.

What the . . .?, 2
Did you see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band’s halftime performance? It was great. But what the heck was that Silvio guy from “The Sopranos” doing playing the guitar?

Couldn’t do that
London had a rare snowstorm. It was so snowy people couldn’t make it to the orthodontists they don’t even have.

With players like the Steeler’s Troy Polamalu’s long flowing black hair and Cardinal Larry Fitzgerald’s long dred locks, this is the hairiest Super Bowl on record and that isn’t even counting John Madden’s eyebrows.

Tough times, 2
It was sad to see how the economy affected the Super Bowl. At a Tampa Bay nightclub, New York Giant Plaxico Burris could only afford to shoot blanks into his sweat pants.

At a Tampa Bay strip club, Adam “Pacman” Jones could not afford to make it rain, he could only afford to make it misty.

Have you noticed on “American Idol” that former softy Paula Abdul has gotten tougher and the cranky Simon Cowell is trying to grow a heart? You can tell they’re being well coached. Even Ryan Seacrest is pretending to like women more believably.

Did you see Ryan Seacrest dancing with the winning contestants on “American Idol”? He may not be gay. Only a straight guy can dance that badly.

Prez prediction
President Barack Obama was for the winning Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl. This is the first time in a long time a president has taken sides. President Bush was a baseball guy and President Clinton only cared about the Victoria Secret Lingerie Bowl.

That explains it
Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps apologized for pictures in a British tabloid that showed him smoking pot from a bong. And here we thought those eyes were red from the water.

Since you asked:
A bit I proposed for one of my radio stations was “How soon can I make you cry?” It consisted of playing the "Brian’s Song" theme while narrating in the gruff voice of the great Jack Warden:

“Ernest Hemingway once wrote all true stories end in death. This is a true story about Brian Piccolo. But it is not about how he died. It is about how he lived. Oh how he lived.”

You would be amazed how many people call in balling.

One of the biggest-hearted people I have had the pleasure of knowing was my first girlfriend, Betsy Fox. (Is it possible to have a better name for your first girlfriend? I don’t think so) We had our sophomore football banquet the night “Brian’s Song” first aired. When I got home – this is before answering machines- the phone rang. My Dad smiled and said; “I think it’s for you.”

The first ten minutes of the phone call was listening to Betsy openly sob after watching "Brian's Song." When she could finally speak she said;

“Wh, wh, wh, wh, why did I have to start going with a fffootball ppppplayer now? Wahhh.”

Well now we can beat that.

The radio show I write for, “The Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw Show” on KGB had Dave talking about “My Dog Skip” and how it reduced him to flowing hot little girl tears for one hour. Then they played the narration at the end by Harry Connick Jr. as Skipper’s grown up owner, the author Willie Morris, while he was attending Oxford:

“I received a transatlantic call today. My Daddy said Skipper died. They wrapped him in my baseball jacket and buried him by our elm tree. But that wasn’t exactly true for he really lay buried in my heart.”

Good thing I had just dropped Ann Caroline off at school when they played that sound bite because I didn’t want her to see her tough brave Daddy balling like a drunken jilted debutant.

But then I sent in this e-mail:

Dear Dave:

If you think you cried during “My Dog Skip” like I did, you will explode into a puddle of tears during “Marley & Me.” I cried like the little sorry bitch that I am when Jennifer Anniston said;

“Goodbye clearance puppy.”

Damn it, there it goes again.

What is it about these goofy-assed fuzzy dogs? By the way, yesterday was our own ground hog’s birfy days. Happy sixth birthday to Wrigley Telluride Kaseberg, the dunderheaded hound doggy-looking yellow lab what ain’t got no sense.

But he is awful cute, just like our look-of-worried-concern bear, Inspector Kasey.

They is our knuckleheads is what they is. Think I'll go rub a couple of doggy tummies.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Get some Super on your Duper and let your Bowl roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was so cold in Kentucky, relatives got in bed together just for the warmth.

I think I have this stock market thing figured out: when the picture in the paper shows the New York Stock Exchange traders smiling, buy; when it shows them holding their heads, sell.

Tough economic times are even hitting the Super Bowl. Did you know that Fox is selling advertising space on Terry Bradshaw’s head?

Is it just me or does this Rod Blagojevich guy look like the car salesman who pushes the undercoating?

Is it just me or does this Rod Blagojevich guy look like the car salesman who winks and makes the double-clicky noise at all of the dealer’s secretaries?

Wall Street paid $18 billion of tax money from the bail out to bonuses. This makes the federal money the Katrina victims spent on champagne and strippers seem like a good investment.

Rush Limbaugh said he is not going to bend over and grab his ankles because President Barack Obama is black. In a related story there is now a hotline for those who need to get the image of Rush bending over and grabbing his ankles out of your head. 1-800 Eww Rush.

Is it me or does this Rod Blagojevich look like the dishwasher repairman who tells you they’ll have to order the part you need from the factory? “We ain’t got dat there part here, ya see.”

Is it me or does Rod Blagojevich look like the carpet cleaning guy who tells you the discount they were advertising doesn’t apply to your job?

Rod Blagojevich has been voted out of office. But you wait, this guy is like the Black Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” Chop off his arms and legs and he’ll just keep fighting.

Mental health experts are furious over articles that describe Rod Blagojevich as crazy. They find the comparison of their clinically insane patients to Blagojevich offensive. That is when you know you’re in trouble, when people call you crazy and then crazy people get offended.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

Did you see that incredibly touching tribute David Letterman paid to Bill Hicks and, more importantly, Bill Hick’s mother, Mary?

The back story is that great cult-figure comedian Bill Hicks – who had an admitted history of substance abuse problems – gave a performance on Letterman’s show and, as it did have some controversial material, Letterman decided to cut it out. At the time I made the assumption, as did a lot of people, it was Hick's drug problems that caused the edit. Not the case.

Apparently, Hicks took this rejection very badly and what Letterman did not know at the time is that Hicks was gravely ill with terminal pancreatic cancer. Friends and family of Hicks said this Letterman rejection threw Hicks into a downward spiral that hastened his inevitable death.

Letterman took this to heart and felt truly awful about it for 14 years. An impeccable inside source has told me that, although he is an admitted task master who is as hard on himself as he is on his staff, David Letterman is the consummate nice man and a stand up Midwestern gentleman. Gruff at times, but who is perfect?

Dave had Bill Hick’s sweet but no B.S. mom, Mary, on his show and apologized and admitted his mistake. And then he showed the clip of Hick’s routine and it was really good. It really showed what a unique insight Hicks had into society and its absurdities. Bill Hicks was way ahead of his time at spotting the hypocrisy of political correctness. But more to the point, the man was funnier than hell.

What really breaks my heart is this class gesture by Letterman shows how, no matter how hard you try, and Letterman could not have tried more, there really isn’t any going back and correcting a wrong you made at the spur of the moment that hurt people badly.

But what breaks my heart even more is that I am terribly afraid the kinder-and-gentler-as-a-father Letterman is hurting about what he did to Bill Hicks and his mother because Letterman may feel his time is short with his sweet mother, Dorothy.

Man, I hope I am wrong.