Friday, February 10, 2012

Get oughtah’ town wit’ yo’ bad-self, now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Prop 8, the California ban on gay marriage, was ruled unconstitutional. In San Francisco, men ripped off their shirts, hugged and danced in the streets. When asked how long they will celebrate the defeat of 8, one man said; “What defeat of 8?”

A company in Chicago has made a beer that tastes like pizza. Great news, guys, now you can drink a girl pretty and skinny while you get fatter and uglier.

Since you asked:

Things that keep Lex up at night: If Wile E.Coyote has all that money for mail-order gear from Acme, why does he have to eat the poor little Road Runner?

Saw the “HBO” documentary, “Namath” and I was really impressed.

The first thing is what an amazing athlete young Joe Willy Namath was at basketball and baseball. The Chicago Cubs wanted to sign him out of high school for $50,000 which was amazing considering the time and how cheap the Wrigleys were.

At Alabama, there are runs by Namath that look downright Jim Brown-like. And he had jump passes where he had to be three feet up in the air.

The next thing that struck me was how tough Namath was. He could not only take a beating – some of the then-legal hits on Namath would get a player suspended today - but he could dish hits out.

The other thing I didn’t realize was how young Joe was when he was dealing with all of this. A shattered knee his Senior year, a $400,000 NFL contract when $20,000 was considered huge, dating movie stars, filming commercials, making movies. All done with seemingly effortless grace and charm.

What struck me the most is Joseph William Namath truly and honestly believes he is just a regular guy who got lucky. No pretense, no false modesty. He believes that.

He could not be more wrong.

Joe Namath is one of those National iconic treasures who transcend sports to become a historical figure. Like Babe Ruth, Jackie Robinson, Jesse Owens, Red Grange, Mickey Mantle, Arnold Palmer. Granted, they get an assist from being in a unique place at a unique time. Carl Lewis was a great athlete, but he will never get anywhere close in status to Jesse Owens.

Better yet as an example, Tiger Woods is probably the most-talented golfer who ever lived. His legacy compared to Arnold Palmer or Jack Nicklaus? Please. Tiger is a punch line to d*ck jokes.

Here was my final thought. When they brought Joe back to be with his high school teammates recently, the man looked pretty damn good. Some of his teammates were way worse for the wear. Granted, living in Beaver Falls and working in a steel mill is a tough hang.

But considering two destroyed knees, the oceans of booze, babes and even cigarettes and chewing tobacco, Joe Namath has himself some strong genes.

And Namath quite probably saved the AFL which, in turn, made the NFL what it is.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Bruce Springsteen - Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out (28-11-2007)

Tear drops on the city, Bad Scooter searchin’ for his groove, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A company in Chicago has made a beer that tastes like pizza. And the beer really does taste like a pizza down to the aftertaste of sorrow and regret.

The Super Bowl broke the record for most viewers with over 166 million watching; to put that in perspective, 166 million is more people than Madonna, Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have slept with combined.

A company in Chicago has made a beer that tastes like pizza. Great news, guys, now you can drink a girl pretty and skinny while you get fatter and uglier.

The Super Bowl broke the record for most viewers with over 166 million watching. To put that in perspective that is 166 million more than watched Paris Hilton’s show “The World According to Paris.”

An attractive 25-year-old British woman has two vaginas. This explains why she is the world’s first 18.

Rick Santorum won three primaries in Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota. Apparently the only three states where you can’t Google Santorum.

Jack in the Box has come out with a bacon milkshake. Jack in the Box is right, nothing will jack you up and put you in a box faster than a bacon milkshake.

A “Funny or Die” video claims 20-something males have to choose between being a ‘Bro or a Hipster. A ‘Bro wears baseball hats, low-riding boarder shorts and is always drinking beer out of a red plastic cup. A Hipster wears wool hats, thick black glasses frames and skinny jeans. We had ‘Bros and Hipsters when I was in my 20’s, we just called them different names: Dicks and Jerks.

Since you asked:

In a just world toddler beauty pageants are illegal and the people who run them and the parents of the contestants should be charged with child abuse.

This Bros and Hipster phenom reminds me that all generations had an element of doucheism. When I was at UCSB, I was generally very proud of my fraternity, Sigma Chi, and most of its members.

But a select few of the younger guys would sit in a row in class, with their carefully coiffed 'do's with frosted tips (no they weren't gay) their pink Polo shirt with the collars turned up (nope, still not gay) reeking of Polo cologne, khaki shorts and white Top Siders and wearing their Varnet sunglasses. (now that I think about it, yeah, they were gay except that they slept with women)

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

A San Francisco court has ruled California's ban on gay marriage illegal; so the news isn't all bad for Scott Kaplan and Billy Ray Smith. OK, that might be piling on.
New Orleans Saint, Jimmy Graham, discovers what it is like to be interviewed by a container of vinegar and water.

Do you know who I am, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Madonna looked good during her halftime show; but I think Madonna has had some work down. When she lip-synched, her lips looked a lot plumper.

After hundreds of years they are updating the sexual book “The Kama Sutra.” Some of the new sex acts are the Rick Perry backslide, the Kim Kardashian wedding heist, Arnold Schwarzenegger maid hump.

Did you see how, at the end of the game, the New England Patriots allowed the Giants’ Ahmad Bradshaw to score? They did nothing to stop him and allowed him to go all the way and score. They got the idea from Madonna’s sex life.

Madonna looked good during her halftime show; now I don’t want to imply Madonna is getting up there, but when she was born, the Super Bowl Roman numerals were put there by real Romans.

After the Super Bowl, Tom Brady’s wife, model Giselle Bundchen, ripped Brady’s teammates for dropping Tom’s passes. She’s right, its not like they have a hard job where you have to put on clothes, walk down a runway and then turn around.

Since you asked:

Talentless haircut and douche-bag, XX Sports host, Scott Kaplan, got fired.

Could not have happened to a nicer guy.

The article in the “San Diego Union Tribune” implies Kaplan got fired for sexist remarks. It is my belief that is only because you can’t fire someone for being an utter tool.

As I have mentioned, from professional experience from writing for a number of them, there is nothing more out of whack than the egos of small market radio personalities. They make Ron Burgandy look humble.

But Scott Kaplan was the worst. In just three e-mail exchanges and a phone call he established himself as a pompous, stupid schmuck.

How much of a schmuck is Kaplan? He pulled a “Do you know who I am?”

Kaplan parked in a co-worker’s spot, she had him towed, so he hits her with a “DYKWIA?” (Getting towed is a sure sign a guy is a chronic a-hole. If he wasn’t they would have asked him to move) Scott Kaplan, being the class act he is, called her various names on the air like skank, she sued Kaplan for slander and libel and won.

“Sports Illustrated” ran a piece on athletes who have pulled the “DYKWIA?” And it reads like a who’s who of a-hole egomaniacs: Deion Sanders, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin. And that is just former Cowboys.

But the best “DYKWIA?” story came from the most legendary of ass-munching crank-nozzles, Tiger Woods.

Tiger, as are all world class a-holes, is an infamous rich-guy-who-doesn’t tip. (See: Judge Smails) This classless reputation/habit caught up to him at an Iowa river boat casino, so a waitress asks the then 20-year-old Tiger for his I.D.

Tiger hits her with the “DYKWIA?” She fires back;

“I don’t care if you’re the Lion King.”

Monday, February 06, 2012

So glad there was no wardrobe malfunction. Last thing we need is Madge's testicles popping out

We’re gonna take the hazard out of play, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“It was worth watching that boring game to see Madonna perform at intermission,” said not one straight man in the country.

Matthew Broderick is reprising his character Ferris Bueller for a Super Bowl commercial. Only you can tell Ferris is older, in this he doesn’t take the day off, he just forgets where he works.

Mitt Romney as been assigned secret service agents; I don’t want to say Mitt is a boring white guy, but his secret service codename is: Wonderbread.

Taco Bell is now serving breakfast; “Wow, this is great news;” said people about to die of heart disease.

The Kardashian sisters are launching their own line of jeans; they come in sizes small, medium, large and Kardashiantic.

Yeast infection sold separately.

An injured worker in Arkansas was denied extended disability payments because pictures on Facebook showed him drinking and partying. Not only that, but he was poking three women a day.

Since you asked:

Got a very thoughtful and well-written e-mail from a gentleman named Steve Rowe. He informed me very nicely that I was wrong in questioning the military service of his friend and author of “SEAL Target Geronimo” Chuck Pfarrer.

It turns out Pfarrer was a SEAL commander and served courageously on many dangerous missions. My apologies.

My mistakes came from my friend who was a SEAL team commander. He is under orders not to discuss his service, so I assumed all SEAL’s felt the same way. Pfarrer does not. Although the brass discounted Pfarrer’s accounts of the attack on Osama bin Laden, there is no questioning his service to our country.

As a friend of a real SEAL who’s honesty was besmirched by a smart-ass comedy writer, one would not blame Mr. Rowe for coming in a little hot. Truth is, if it was the other way around, I would have.

But he did not come in hot, he wrote an intelligent and informative missive and I appreciate it.

However, Mr. Steve Rowe, if you happen to also be good friends with the Kardashians, please do not ask me to take anything back I’ve written about them.

I’m trying to lose weight and my pride can only swallow so much.