Saturday, May 16, 2009

Teach it like you preach it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Knee jerk survey
A survey claims 5% of men say they never masturbate. Come on, women, let’s give these guys a hand.

A survey claims 5% of men say they never masturbate? Oh yeah? Well I just did a survey myself that says 5% of men are pathological liars.

Finally an answer
If the astronauts repair it, the Hubble telescope will be capable of looking billions of years into the universe’s past. So maybe now they can see why John McCain picked Sarah Palin?

Yeah, that was it
Donald Trump announced Miss California, Carrie Prejean, will retain her title. Miss Prejean claims the topless photos of her were an accident, the wind blew her blouse open. And apparently some angry same-sex marriage supporter hid her bra.

Donald Trump announced Miss California, Carrie Prejean, will retain her title ; the only person upset by this is President Barack Obama, he was all set to appoint Miss Prejean to that open Supreme Court spot.

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, said she will no longer discuss her opposition to same sex marriage. Shoot, how are we going to come to an understanding without our top authority?

Sure, go with that
Donald Trump announced Miss California, Carrie Prejean, will retain her title. Miss Prejean claims the topless photos of her were an accident, the wind blew her blouse open. OK, I might have gone with Alex Rodriguez’s cousin moved her blouse, but the wind thing might work.

Don’t you love it when beauty pageant contestants try to discuss complicated issues? It’s like dressing a monkey up as a scientist, they have no idea what’s going on, but it’s funny.

Good advice
Donald Trump announced Miss California, Carrie Prejean, will retain her title. The Donald then gave Miss Prejean a little fatherly advice; “Remember, Carrie, it’s get the boob job THEN take the topless photos.”

Since you asked:
Is it possible for “30 Rock” to be funnier? No to the way to the Jose. “He wants a Vajay-jay upgrade, he’s not Tom Brady, shut it down.” “Bi-sexuality was invented in the ‘90’s to sell more hair care products.” “Classic case of fruit blindness.”

Tina Fey is a goddess.

My two knucklehead Labradors crack me up on a daily basis. They love snoozing on their comfy beds in the garage. Just now when I went in the garage to let them outside, they gave me the exact look of a guy in the hotel bed when the maid ignores the “Do Not Disturb” sign.

“Uh, excuse me, but do you mind coming back later? Yeah, buh bye.”

Lex needs a slogan, a motto, a catchphrase, a signature line.

You better catch that before I Lex that? No.

Square up, paddle hard and step back and ride that wave? Not bad, but a little wordy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

No to the way to the Jose, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
Trouble at the White House. Joe Biden said his dog was smarter than the first dog Bo, Bo got angry and head-butted Biden and knocked out a hair plug.

Good timing
Los Angeles Dodgers Manny Rameriz is suspended for taking an illegal female hormone; to give you an idea how strong these female hormones are, today they had to put Manny on the 15-day disabled list for PMS.

Did you see the “Celebrity Apprentice” finale? It got so ugly between Joan Rivers and Annie Duke, Joan head butted Annie and Joan’s face shattered.

But seriously, Joan Rivers won. She was so excited her eyebrow twitched.

Hate to hear that
Donald Trump announced Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her title. Miss Prejean was so excited she accidentally head-butted Trump and knocked that thing off his head.

Too little too late
The Octomom had a procedure done and now she can’t have anymore kids. That’s about the same as cutting up Bernie Madoff’s ATM card.

Trekkie time
“Star Trek” opened with over $75 million at the box office. That’s a lot of money that could have been used to not go out on a date.

Reviews of Star Trek say you don’t have to be a Trekkie to like the movie. You can actually enjoy it if you are someone who has had sex.

Lots of Trekkies called in sick Monday with a case of the Star Trek flu and went to see the movie opening of “Star Trek.” Star Trek flu is serious, it can keep you from ever having sex.

The Space Shuttle lifted off on a risky mission to repair the Hubble Telescope. If the repairs are successful, the Hubble will be so powerful it will be able to look all the way into the future to the end of the NBA playoffs.

Since you asked:
You know all those online networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and Plaxo? Now there are signs you may be addicted to your online networking site.

For example, you’re in a hot tub having sex with two supermodels and all you can think about is getting out to Tweet about it.

You just confirmed Osama bin Laden and Bernie Madoff as Facebook friends.

You just got a tattoo that says “Born to Twitter.”

You killed a drifter just so you could have something interesting to post.

You just changed your relationship status to involved with your imaginary girlfriend.

Your Facebook photo is your mugshot from being arrested for stalking someone on MySpace.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

We got to chill up in the grill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not so fast
London could be considered as a future host of the Super Bowl. Whoa, before we go crazy and give the British our biggest sports event, let's see how they do with something smaller like the Kentucky Derby.

During the Red Bull Air Race in San Diego, a pilot, Hannes Arch, hit a pelican during takeoff, but, luckily he was able to finish the race and land. Luckily for Arch he didn’t hit a goose because the Hudson River is over 3,000 miles away.

That explains it
Kirsty Alley told people magazine she has gained 83 pounds. Apparently when Kirsty fell off Jenny Craig she hopped on Ben & Jerry.

Oh sure
Los Angeles Dodger Manny Rameriz has been suspended for using a banned substance: a female hormone. Manny claims he was preparing for an appearance on “The View.”

Los Angeles Dodger Manny Rameriz had been suspended for taking a banned substance which turns out to be a female fertility drug; to show you how strong the female fertility drug was, on Sunday Manny was able to wish himself a happy Mother’s Day.

Joe Burger
That Virginia burger place hoopster President Obama and VP Joe Biden had lunch Tuesday has named a burger after Joe Biden. It’s called the “Help, I’m talking and I can’t shut up” burger.

Quite a melon
Keifer Sutherland has been charged with head-butting a fashion designer. Have you seen the size of Keifer’s head? He’s lucky that’s not assault with a deadly weapon.

The price of the subway has gone up in New York City. Still it’s a lot cheaper way to go into a place to smell urine, cigar butts and beer vomit than Yankee Stadium.

Kirsty Alley revealed she has gained 83 pounds since going off of Jenny Craig. 83 pounds, that’s an entire Olsen twin.

So mean, Lex
“People” magazine reveals there are plans to make a biopic about Susan Boyle; and why not, she is sweet lady and a talented singer. So what’s the title going to be, “Shrek 4?”

Again, mean
John Edwards, is being investigated for using campaign money as hush money to his mistress. Edwards better pray he’s clean. A pretty-boy lawyer in prison? Edwards dance card will be fuller than Kirsty Alley’s plate at Applebee’s. .

The wife of John Edwards, Elizabeth Edwards, was on Oprah. Which is ironic because John Edwards has always want to be on Oprah. Not her show, he really wants to be on Oprah.

A porn star, Stormy Daniels, is considering running for the Louisiana Senate; oh, sure, a background in pornography sounds ideal for politics, but it isn’t easy going from screwing people for money to screwing people for bribes.

Safety first
Amy Winehouse has legally banned the paparazzi from coming within 100 meters of her. Hey, it’s for their own good, they were starting to get secondhand cirrhosis of the liver.

Fans of “American Idol” say Adam is the frontrunner because of his amazing rendition of Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love.” Whole lotta love is also Kirsty Alley’s user name on Twitter.

Since you asked:
So this here is what’s gonna happen a noche with Lex’s Weber, Roasting Ruby. Cleaned her out, going to light the lump charcoal with newspaper in the charcoal chimney, once they flame up and get white, I am pouring the coals in one side of the grill.

Meanwhile, the organic T-bone has been marinating in olive oil and garlic powder. Toss the meat on the indirect heat and let her go for a while, flip, let her go for a while. The last minute I am going to plop it right over the flames for Argentina style searing at the end.

Salad, red wine, Cubs.

Monday, May 11, 2009

We don’t holla for a dollar up this here heezy breezy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“24” star Keifer Sutherland has been charged with head-butting a fashion designer. How is the Jack Bauer tough guy going to follow up head-butting a fashion designer? Give a noogie to a dance choreographer?

Have you seen the size of Keifer’s head. He’s lucky that’s not assault with a deadly weapon.

Oh, well that explains . . . what the . . .?
In Miami, a priest is in trouble because he was seen making out with a woman on the beach. In
his defense he said he was drunk and mistook her for a choirboy.

Since you asked:

OK, I admit it, I am obsessed. Read a great article in “Outside” magazine on Argentinean beef and I can’t think of anything else.

There is a back story.

During my wonderful honeymoon in Aruba with my lovely child bride, Virg, in between, well, you know and windsurfing and drinking Aruba Aribas – two and you cannot remember your room number – and playing black jack, we went to an amazing Argentinean steak house or parrilla.

In a very nice but bare bones dark, wooden and wrought iron and stained glass church-like restaurant, I had this massive chunk of filet that made my eyes roll in back of my head and copious amounts of hearty red wine. Now I know why it was so amazing.

Argentina is apparently a beautiful country that is deeply divided: half believe soccer and grilled meat and red wine are among the most important things in the world and the other half believe grilled meat and red wine and soccer are among the most important things in the world. But they all believe sex is the most important thing in the world. (No, I believe I can hang out wit you fellas)

Toss in blues rock, surfing and I am there'r than a mofizzy.

Argentina put itself on the map providing beef to Europe and they do it old, old school. The Gauchos let them range free on grass so the cows themselves are wilder than our fat, grain eating locked up heifers. So the meat has more flavor. Plus they don’t age meat, they cook it fresh and many believe that makes the biggest difference.

And the cooking style is slow over hard wood charcoal with liberal amounts of sea salt added while cooking. And they don’t sear the meat until the very end, the opposite of American steak grilling.

The cuts are different also.

More fat is left on the Argentina steaks and ribs and loins and they use the entire cow. The article claims Argentinean’s eat ten times more meat than we do, but because they hike, play soccer and drink lots of red wine, they don’t have the corresponding health problems.

So tomorrow night in honor of the Chicago Cubs/ San Diego Padres game, after a hard workout, I am going to get an organic, New Zealand raised T-Bone, but I am going to also employ the Tuscan style barbeque and marinate the steak in olive oil, get the chunk wood coals really hot with a hairdryer and sear the ever living hell out of it while liberally applying coarse sea salt. But I will wait to sear it at the end.

Just a salad and wine, lots and lots of wine. Muhahahahahahah.

Oh no me di’ . . . ‘int.