Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Guess Who No sugar tonight / new mother nature

Great as they were, they were underrated.

Police in Lubbock, TX say they are keeping a close eye on a nude maid service; if found guilty, the police will sentence the nude maids to house arrest. At the cop’s houses.

Donald Trump will allow transgender contestants in the Miss Universe pageant. So good luck to Ima Tuckingjunk.

Rumor has it Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s child. And you thought Satan laughed with delight the day the music died? Satan is going to wet his red silk pants laughing at this one.

Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day; because that is what our fat asses need is an entire day devoted to fried baked dough and cheese.

A study claims alcohol can help your problem solving skills. Especially if your problem is turning a six into an eight at last call.

Since you asked:

Among the leaders of the RBC Heritage on Saturday is Sweden's Carl Pettersson. No offense to Mr. Pettersson, when it comes to golf, there is only one Carl and that is the renowned cinch bug and manganese expert, Bill Murray's Carl Spackler of "Caddy Shack" fame.

Also among the leaders is Boo Weekley. Last week the Masters was won by Bubba Watson. Bubba and Boo. When did having a baby-talk name become a golfing asset? Maybe Snooki needs to take up the game.

Among the leaders of the RBC Heritage are Colt Knost, Boo Weekley and Carl Pettersson. Besides having a chance to win, all three share something else: rather prodigious guts.The real winner of this tournament? The hot dog and beer vendor.

Speaking of golf, the great Sandy Lyle is going into the Golf Hall of Fame. He should also go into the golf name Hall of Fame. Right next to Water Hazard, the Swedish great, Enthe Treese, and that famous Iraqi golfer, Outif bu-Ounz.

Bubba, Boo and Tiger. Uptight British golfer, Colin Montgomery, must be spinning in his gravy.

Have you ever noticed how the general outline of a surfboard and a bottle of wine/beer/Mount Gay Rum are similar? Coinkeedinkeedoo? I thinkeedinkeedon't.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Black dog--led zeppelin

Got these track shoes when this song was on the radio. The beginning of the song sounds exactly like a pole vault pole bouncing on an artificial track. Took it as a sign. My love of track began.

Grip it and rip it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

.com rated the best and worst jobs. The worst job? A tie between Donald Trump’s hairstylist and Newt Gringrich’s proctologist.

77-year-old Charles Manson was denied parole; they should let him go. At the time of his nine murders in 1968, Manson was the most despicable person alive. Now compared to Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and John Edwards, Manson doesn’t seem so bad.

The band Guns ‘N Roses has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but the famously difficult and tardy lead singer,
Axl Rose, declined. Turns out Axl had a conflict, the same weekend he is being inducted into the Douche-bag Hall of Fame. rated the best and worst jobs. The best job? They said software engineer. Wrong. It’s the guy who paints the swimsuits on the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit models.

Police in Lubbock, TX say they are keeping a close eye on a nude maid service; in a related story, the Lubbock police station has been named the cleanest police station in the country.

The maids make it clear they don’t do windows. They’ll do anyone else, but not windows.

Since you asked:

Kudos to my good friend and golf maven, Mark O'Snickity Snake, for turning me into a big Bubba Watson fan years ago at the nee Buick Open. Incredible athlete and genuinely nice guy.

One of the things that is telling about the
precipitous Tiger fall-from-grace is the vehement anti-Tiger sentiments from the folks inside the golf circles. Clearly Tiger was deeply and widely disliked long before he drove over a fire hydrant - and his fake image - on Thanksgiving.

Take "Sports Illustrated" golf writer, Alan
Shipnuck. This on Tiger's poor behavior at the Masters;

" . . . Woods sullied the Cathedral in the Pines by kicking a discarded nine-iron and swearing oaths audible to a National TV audience. ("God-dam!" was a particularly inspired choice on Good Friday.)"

Clearly this
Shipnuck had an axe to grind with Tiger for quite a while. And he ground it but good.

Again, golf is more fun when Tiger is playing well and for golf's sake, I hope Tiger comes back. And yet it makes it even more fun when nice guys who behave well, like
Bubba and Phil, dispatch the nasty and bratty Eldrick Tont.

(You Tiger-haters want some good poop, so to speak? Have it on
impeccable sports marketing authority that Tiger is one of the gassiest humans alive and not only doesn't hide it, but flaunts it. One of the greatest images ever is a stodgy Nike H.Q. marketing meeting, Tiger in a chair, lifting his leg up and laboriously pushing a sloppy one out in front of the luckiest-a-hole-in-the-world-and-most-pompous-snotty-douche-bags ever, and shameless Tiger ass-smoocher, Nike owner, Phil "What a tool" Knight*)

Met a classy gentlemen from
Rancho Santa Fe who was the sound engineer for all the famous LA music artists and he had nothing but wonderful things to say about Crosby, Nash and Young, (yes, like him, I left out Stills) Jackson Browne, James Taylor, et al. When I inquired about my-once-beloved Eagles, he paused, smiled and diplomatically said;

"It's probably not their fault that they never really had to grow up."

Tiger Woods never had to grow up. And it looks like he never will.

So the answer is no, Tiger, I will not pull your finger.

*Offer still stands, pompous Nike cult a-holes. For $50,000 a year, you can buy my silence.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Look out, everybody, it's a bass-ackwards surfin' daaaaaaawwwwwwwwg

If a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you know three dogs survived the Titanic? Two of the dogs were males who got in the lifeboats by dressing like a couple of bitches.

A Muncie, IN woman was arrested after she attempted to rip off the testicles of her boyfriend who broke up with her. No lie, he was treated at Ball Memorial Hospital. And she will probably be hired by Gloria Allred.

A study claims Words with Friends can be addicting. So I could be Words With Friends Junkie. J-U-N-K-I-E with E landing on triple word score for 66 points.

An earthquake of 8.6 magnitude hit in the Indian Ocean; when informed, an American high school student said; “Excuse me, but that is not Indian Ocean, it is Native American Ocean.”

Since you asked:

It is official, there is now a three-way tie for models of cars that have the biggest a-holes driving them.

We all know the obvious is the Hummer. If there is a car that screams; "I don't give a crap about anything but myself," it is the Hummer. This is followed by the Range Rover.

Coming from behind to cause a three-way tie? The Prius.

The amount of dick moves I've witnessed by Prius drivers is amazing and now, like fat asses who shuffle their feet on the ground while hanging a long slow diagonal parking lot walk in front of your car, you will notice this all the time.


When it comes to arrogance, apparently people who don't give a crap about the environment, like Hummer and Range Rover drivers, are as bad as people who think they are saving the environment. The logic goes; "I'm saving the atmosphere, the rules don't apply." Truth is Prius owners are just cheap-bastards when it comes to buying gas.

This little nasty beyatch in her Prius on her iPhone blasted her horn at me because I made her stop in back of me at a stop sign.

Remember how I said you can measure a person's douche-ness by how far they stop their car in the crosswalk? Prius owners live in the middle of the crosswalk.

Attention Prius owners. You think you're saving the environment? Do you know how much fossil fuels were burned up making your POS? You want to improve the world? Get a bus pass. It gets your rude-ass off the road and it really does save on gas.

Sure, this is a blanket assessment. Not all Prius owners drive like poop sticks. Hell, once I saw an angry looking soccer mom in a black Range Rover stop all the way at a four-way stop sign. Anything is possible. I'm sure there are some Prius drivers who are conscientious drivers.

Not positive but I think Prius is Latin for douche-bag smug hipster.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Thanks for the Manatees

Congratulations to Bubba Watson for winning the Masters. Did you see how emotional Bubba was when he won? I haven’t seen a man cry like that since House Speaker John Boehner watched “War Horse.”

“War Horse” is on DVD. Don’t confuse “War Horse” with the preposed reality show contest between Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. That will be called “Whore Wars.”

Donald Trump will allow transgender contestants in the Miss Universe Pageant; the Donald is sensitive to sex operations ever since he had to have that thing on top of his head neutered.

Rick Santorum has announced he is suspending his campaign; he called it suspending because he is too conservative to call it pulling out.

When asked to comment, comedy writers and sweater vest manufacturers screamed; “No.”

A Muncie IN woman was arrested for trying to rip the testicles off of her boyfriend when he broke up with her. The cause of the break up? Her anger issues.

She claims it happened because she was feeling a little testy.

There is a smart phone app that directs people who have to use a bathroom to private homes. Download the app at Don'

Monday, April 09, 2012

Congrats to the youthful-looking 33-year-old Masters winner, Bubba Watson; so youthful-looking, when he donned the green jacket, five people asked him to go get their car.

She gonna buzz one out and take a nap*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Congrats to Bubba Watson winning the Masters. As my comedy writing pal, Janice Hough, said so well; a lot has changed since 1997 when a black man won the Masters and a Bubba was in the White House.

Many women feel Bubba is the perfect man for three reasons: one, he’s a tall good looking guy who just won $1.4 million, two, he isn’t afraid to cry, and three, he won $1.4 million.

Tiger Woods had trouble controlling his driver at the Masters; in fact, this is the worst Tiger has driven since over two years ago when he hit a fire hydrant on Thanksgiving night.

“War Horse” is out on DVD. Now don’t get “War Horse” confused with the planned reality show that pits Paris Hilton versus Kim Kardashian. That’s “Whore Wars.”

Since you asked:

Took my Crostini’s up a level this weekend.

Crostini is a word like sustainable where I went forever without hearing it and now I hear it ten times a day.

In mortar grind up into a paste browned pine nuts, fresh basil, blast of olive oil, lemon zest, sea salt, one head of roasted garlic, a few Spanish olives, grated parmesan cheese.

Slice rustic French bread one to one and a half inches thick. Brush one side with olive oil, put on hot grill for grill marks on the brushed side. Remove and place the paste on the grill mark side included with a sprinkling of shredded parmesan, back on the grill, close the lid until cheese melts a little.

Garnish with shredded basil.

* Awesome line from the revived “Happy Ending” that came back nicely from jumping the shark.