Friday

We got us our Halloween Boo on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Star driver
Star Jones husband, Al Reynolds, was arrested at 3:00 am Wednesday in New York. Reynolds was charged with driving on a suspended license and for illegally attempting to smuggle sixty gallons of Haagan-Dazs to Star Jones.

Star Jones husband, Al Reynolds, was arrested at 3:00 am Wednesday in New York. Reynolds was charged with driving on a suspended license. It was weird, when the police tried to release Reynolds from his cell he begged and pleaded to them to not make him go home.

Count me in
Angelina Jolie has announced she is going to adopt a third child. In a relate story, ten million grown men just applied for adoption.

Perfect choice
Donald Trump and Regis Philbin have made a Christmas CD; this is the perfect gift idea for the special someone on your Christmas list whom you truly despise.

Boldly going where many men have gone before
George Takei, helmsman Sulu on the Starship Enterprise on “Star Trek”, has announced he is gay. This finally explains why Sulu was always nagging Capt Kirk to steer to the planet Barbra Streisand.

George Takei, helmsman Sulu on the Starship Enterprise on “Star Trek”, has announced he is gay. This explains why Sulu’s phaser was always set at fierce.

George Takei, helmsman Sulu on the Starship Enterprise on “Star Trek”, has announced he is gay. And here I thought that Lt. Uhura had a jungle fever thing going with Sulu

Not looking good
Caught-using-cocaine-model Kate Moss is out of rehab. Her chances of staying clean don’t look good. When Kate got out, she drove straight to Whitney Houston’s house.

Halloween
The most popular Halloween costumes for kids this year? Sponge Bob Square Pants. The least popular kids costume this year? The Catholic Priest costume: Father Michael Jackson.


Since you asked:
It is amazing the differences between men and women.

The one thing you think we, straight men and women, would have in common is sex, right? Wrong. Women attach sex with emotions about love whereas men are more physically oriented. And yet women can totally detach themselves from the physical side of sex and men cannot. That’s why women are immune to female homophobia.

For example: In the HBO show “Sex and the City” Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) announces her diaphragm is jammed. Samantha (Kim Cattral) matter-of-factly goes in the bathroom with her and pulls it out. No big deal.

A straight male, however, could have a nuclear explosive device accidentally stuck in him and he just ain’t ever gonna never, no how, ever ask a buddy of his to help him pull it out. Blowing up himself and a twenty block radius is the only available option.

10-27

What we got is the got what we got, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No baked cookies or teas here
Hillary Clinton celebrated her 58th birthday Wednesday. It was a quiet, small celebration, Hillary spent the time dining with just her immediate loved ones. So obviously Bill wasn’t there.

I’m not loving it
McDonalds is trying to improve their image, they have leather couches, flat screen TVs. And in special locations, they will even provide an English translator to interpret what the cashier says.

McDonalds is trying to improve their image, they have leather couches, flat screen TVs. And if this works they will get even fancier and start putting actual beef into their hamburger meat.

McDonalds is trying to improve their image, they have leather couches, flat screen TVs. And now they are going to put nutritional information on the wrappers. Yeah, it will even include the formula for a potentially life-saving antidote.

Speaking of cult-like money-sucking monoliths
Starbucks is teaming up with the Rolling Stones on a promotional deal. I think it’s being billed as the Rock Geezers and the Consumer Squeezers.

Not many
The Chicago White Sox swept the Houston Astros in what is the lowest rated World Series ever. To show you how low, more people supported Harriet Miers than watched the World Series.

Great tie-in
Did you see all the shots of former first lady Barbara Bush at the World Series in Houston directly behind home plate? At first I thought it was an ad for Quaker Oats oatmeal.

Not good
I don’t want to say the Houston Astros are depressed, but today they had to get a pep talk from Dick Cheney.

Not good at all
Morale is so low at the White House, Dick Cheney is giving the staff pep talks. And Cheney ends his pep talk as he always does, screaming “Clear” and getting a blast from a heart defibrillator.

Morale is so low at the White House, Dick Cheney is giving the staff pep talks. And what could possibly cheer people up more than a growling speech punctuated with a heart attack?

Something like that
Starbucks is teaming up with the Rolling Stones in a cross promotion. What’s their slogan going to be, the Rock Geezers and the Consumer Squeezers?

I don’t want to say it was bad for the Houston Astros, but for Halloween the Houston Astros are all going as the 0-6 Houston Texans.

Again, not good
Morale is so low at the White House and the entire staff is so depressed they are dressing up for Halloween as the Houston Astros.

That long, huh?
If the White Sox win the World Series the only team with a long World Series drought will be the Chicago Cubs who haven’t won it since 1908. To show how long ago that was, at Wrigley Field in Chicago in 1908 was the very first time Ozzie Osbourne sang “Take me out to the ballgame.”

Who’dda thunk it?
Insiders say that, due to all of the problems, President Bush is reportedly sullen, short-tempered and drinking heavily. Who would have guessed Dick Cheney would end up being the fun guy in the White House?

That hard, huh?
It is raining like crazy in New York. It is raining so hard, to try and stay dry, people are huddling under Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

Yoko Ono, a lonely nation turns it’s head to you, ewww, ewww, ewww
Donald Trump and Regis Philbin have made a CD of Holiday Songs. I don’t want to say it is bad, but even Kathy Lee Gifford didn’t want to sing on it.

Donald Trump and Regis Philbin have made a CD of Holiday Songs. That's it. It’s official. Donald Trump will do absolutely anything to get attention.

Donald Trump and Regis Philbin have made a CD of Holiday Songs. This CD is so bad it is actually garnering interest for Kathy Lee Gifford’s Holiday CD.

Donald Trump and Regis Philbin have made a CD of Holiday Songs. This CD is a great holiday gift idea for that very special someone on your shopping list who desperately needs a drink coaster.

Donald Trump and Regis Philbin have made a CD of Holiday Songs. It’s a very handy gift. After you play the CD you can use the plastic jewel case to fashion a crude knife to slit your wrists.


Since you asked:

As I am one with my share of pet peeves, I take care not to inflict them on others. For example, as I despise long-slow-diagonal parking lot walkers, I take care to get to the side. But there are some folks who still insist on crowding you with their cars when you are walking so they can get to a parking spot sooner. It is rude and annoying, so I take pains not to do it.

No matter, if driving behind a grumpy old guy walking to his car (and without fail, grumpy old guys will always hang a monster long-slow-diagonal-walk on your behind) and you get anywhere within twenty feet he lets you have it: he cuts you the old-grumpy-guy-dirty-look. (Think Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life.”)

What are you supposed to say?

“Oh, you got me good with that grumpy old guy look, ouch, I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never drive in a parking lot again.”

Speaking of “It’s a Wonderful Life” the holidays approach and soon we will be watching these holiday movie gems. This has been bugging me. In “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “IAWL” Jimmy Stewart’s character, George Bailey, goes to Martini’s bar and gets housed. I mean he is plowed. Staggering drunk. Drives smack into a damn tree. Staggers around and gets to the bridge and that’s where the angel, Clarence, comes in.

After George sees how bollocks’d life is without him, he gets sent back to where he was right before Clarence. Here is my question: why isn’t he drunk again? Everything else is the same: Zsu Zsu's petals, bleeding lip, the snowing. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re gonna say the plunge into the icy river sobered him up. Nahhh. He was sent back to the bridge before he jumped in. No, he should have still been crocked to the gills.

Angels? I buy. Disappearing while wrestling with Bert the cop? Fine. People delightedly tossing over thousands and thousands of dollars? OK, I’ll bite. But a guy gets stinky drunk and then nothing? Not even a hangover? In fact he feels so good he goes running around hugging people? No chance. Keep it real, Hollywood, keep it real. You get a guy that drunk there has to be consequences.

And while I got your attention, Hollywood, never, ever kill the dog. Say it outloud, say it proud: "Turner and Hootch." Oh sure, you get one "Old Yeller" every hundred years, but don't push it.

And, back to "IAWL", I don’t think I can forgive George for blowing a slam-dunk quickie with the town trollop Violet Bick. Climb Mount Bedford? You out your mind, Buffalo Guy? Climb and mount in a bed with Violet. Don’t get me wrong, I want George to end up with Mary, but come on. Georgie-porgie gotta tap that but good.

And I have said this before and I will say it again even though it is probably wrong as hell; I still maintain Potterville was much more of a rockin’ happening place then Bedford Falls.

This is called "Since You Asked" for a reason.

(Polite applause)

Oh, and a B.L.T. should not be called a M.B.L.T. because it has mayonaise. Salt, pepper and condiments do not get billing. Period.

(Loud, gushing applause building to a crescendo)

By the way, I once drove a Ford Crescendo. Nice car. Not a Corsica, but nice.

10-26

We gotta get our game on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Class will tell
Police were called to the home of disgraced-skater-turned-boxer Tonya Harding after she dialed 911 claiming two masked gunman attacked her; it turns out Harding was in a drunken fight with her boyfriend. In addition, police decided not to charge Harding with drunk driving because her motor home was in park at the time.

Police were called to the home of disgraced-skater-turned-boxer Tonya Harding after she dialed 911. Turns out Harding was in a drunken fight with her boyfriend where she claims he pushed her down. The man was charged with assault as well as with littering for throwing white trash.

The boyfriend was charged with assault and with having really bad taste in girlfriends.

Bait and switch
A terminal at San Diego airport was evacuated when security suspected a bomb that turned out to be a child’s toy and a cookie. Or as Michael Jackson calls a cookie and a toy: Bait.

Not a good sign
I don’t want to say it looks bad for the Houston Astros down 3-0 to the Chicago White Sox in the seven game World Series, but today even Harriet Miers didn’t return their calls.

We kid the President
According to a poll, only one in ten Americans think President Bush did nothing illegal or unethical in the leaking of the CIA agent’s identity. Or as Bush calls one in ten: thirty percent.

Kinda like that
The White Sox are up three games to nothing against the Houston Astros, so it looks like a World Series title is finally going to come to Chicago. For Cubs fans this is like finding out your ex-mother-in-law just won the Power Ball lottery.

The White Sox are up three games to nothing against the Houston Astros, so it looks like a World Series title is finally going to come to Chicago. For Cubs fans this is like a guy having a stripper pop out of the cake at his bachelor party only to discover it’s his ex-wife.

The White Sox are up three games against the Houston Astros, so it looks like a World Series title is finally coming to Chicago. For Cubs fans this is like a being a writer who’s told his screenplay has been bought by - and will star - a famous movie star. Then it turns out to be Madonna.

Update

These just in:

We have had eight hurricanes and they are now having a hard time coming up with names. In fact, they are thinking of changing Wilma’s name to the Florida Hurricane Wilma’s of Anaheim.

Insiders say that, in part due to poor approval ratings, President Bush has been despondent, depressed, short-tempered and is drinking heavily again; and here they say President Bush isn’t in touch with his constituent’s feelings . . .

President Bush’s approval ratings are at an all time low; in fact, if they get any lower, they will have to changer their name from approval ratings to held-in-mild-contempt ratings.

This just in:

Again, we like President Bush, but you know who I feel sorry for? Bush’s head speech writer. This person had to study their whole life at the finest writing schools and is finally appointed speech writer for the most powerful person in the free world and all day long it’s;
“No, Sir, just try to sound it out. It’s not nuke-uh-lerr, it’s pronounced nuke-lee-errrr.”

Get back, get back, they don’t know me like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hit that but good
The US has been hit eight times by hurricanes. We have been hammered so many times they’re going to name the next hurricane Paris Hilton.

Not brain surgery
Donald Trump was paid a million and a half dollars to deliver a speech on how to get rich. Lesson #1, don’t pay a million and a half dollars to a guy with a ferret pelt on his head.

Uh, Sir, that would make you the, oh forget it
Florida governor Jeb Bush has advised residents to evacuate hurricane Wilma, not ride it out; Jeb is often described as the smart one of the Bush brothers; upon hearing that, President Bush said; “Well, if he’s the smart one than what am I? I don’t get it.”

Not a shock
Minnesota Vikings fans are outraged at charges that, on their infamous drunken cruise, the members of the Vikings received public oral sex on their, well, Viking members. Why are the fans upset? It’s not like it’s the first time this year the Vikings have been blown away.

Ewww
Minnesota Vikings fans are outraged at charges that, on their infamous drunken cruise, the members of the Vikings received public oral sex on their, well, Viking members. In their defense, the Vikings probably just wanted to give somebody else a chance to choke.

Not good
The 3 and 4 San Diego Chargers have lost their games by an average of less than three points. The Chargers are being called the best 3 and 4 team in NFL history, which is like being described as the best dancer in the Al Gore family.

Again, not good
The 3 and 4 San Diego Chargers have lost their games by an average of less than three points. The Chargers are being called the best 3 and 4 team in NFL history, which is like being described as the best ABBA tribute band.

Oh, now they’re get all testy
Major League Baseball is upset over the latest “Got Milk?” ads that poke fun at the performance enhancing drug scandal. They get all bent out of shape over a milk commercial but major league baseball was fine when Jose Conseco was so jacked up on steroids angry villagers chased him down the street with pitch forks and torches.

We don’t put up with the stuff up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lord help me, why do I love this joke?
Tired of all the prostitute jokes, the residents of Hooker Lane in Greenwich, CT are petitioning to have their street’s name changed; in a cruel twist of fate, sadly the only street name available on file is Filthy Whore Avenue.

Good news
Good news on President Bush’s war on pornography: They have already captured the Ace of Diamonds and the Ace of Spades from the War on Pornography Playing cards, The Ace of Hearts is a Naughty Cheerleader and the Ace of Diamonds is that ugly fat hairy guy Ron Jeremy.

Confounded Varmint
Florida Gov Jeb Bush advised that residents evacuate hurricane Wilma and not try to “hunker down.” Bush was then informed that it has been over seventy years since anyone has actually used the words hunker down.

Florida Gov Jeb Bush advised that residents evacuate hurricane Wilma and not try to “hunker down.” Bush then said dagnabbit, tarnation, smithereens and other words not used since Yosemite Sam.

Close call
Variety listed the top 100 entertainment icons including Lassie and Madonna. Lassie finished ahead of Madonna, neither were good actors, but at least Lassie didn’t affect a phony British accent.

They put the bucks in Starbucks
Starbucks is now featuring quotes on their coffee cups, like: “If you can read this quote you paid too much for your coffee.”

Starbucks is now featuring quotes on their coffee cups, like: “Objects in coffee cup may be more expensive than they appear.”

Starbucks is now featuring quotes on their coffee cups, like: PT Barnum’s “There’s a sucker born every minute, and one of them just bought this cup of coffee.”

Starbucks is now featuring quotes on their coffee cups, like; “A fool and their money are soon parted, for proof, see contents in your hand.”

Starbucks is now featuring quotes on their coffee cups, like; “Five bucks for some hot water boiled over some ground beans? You’re an idiot.”

Shouldn’t Seven Eleven just be Eighteen?
Seven Eleven now sells sushi. This is for those adventurous souls who want to get Salmon and salmonella at the same time.

Seven Eleven now sells sushi. You thought their month old hot dogs looked bad? Wait until that Sushi’s been sitting out there for a week.

Seven Eleven now sells sushi. Finally, some good news for those Seven Eleven flies that are sick of the old hot dogs.

Batter up
Major League Baseball has their boxers in a twist over the latest “Got Milk?” ads that poke fun at the performance enhancing drug scandal. Suddenly baseball is hyper sensitive about steroids, but they were fine back when Jose Conseco grew a second and third head on his biceps.

And besides that
Rumor has it that since they had their baby, Britney Spears marriage to Kevin Federline is on the rocks. Britney is reportedly tired of always being the one doing the late night feedings, scheduling the naps and cleaning up the messes. And besides Kevin, she also has to take care of the baby.

Makes as much sense
At Hunter College, Madonna gave a lecture to an acting class. In a similar story, Paris Hilton spoke to the sex education class on the virtue of abstinence, Lindsay Lohan taught driver’s ed and the San Francisco Forty Niners taught a motivational class in the power of positive thinking.