This just in for my good friend, A.D. and all my good friends at the D.M.V. in Chicago:


“Golf Digest” says that actor Dennis Quaid is the top golfer in Hollywood and Tom Cruise is the worst. But, Tom Cruise is good at getting his balls in a good lie, just like he did with Katie Holmes.

November 4

Oh snap, we got us the hap’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Four
“Golf Digest” says that actor Dennis Quaid is the top golfer in Hollywood and Tom Cruise is the worst. And the-now-revealed-gay George Takai, who played Sulu on “Star Trek”? He’s the Hollywood golfer who hits the most balls.

Not down with Brown
A House panel examining emails sent to FEMA head Michael Brown revealed one assistant suggested Brown roll up his sleeves, when on TV, to look hardworking. A little while after that, Mike Brown was then told to drop his pants and kiss his ass goodbye.

A House panel examining emails sent to FEMA head Michael Brown revealed one assistant suggested Brown roll up his sleeves, when on TV, to look hardworking. Brown then sent a reply asking “What does hardworking mean?”

Rough week for George
In Texas, a death row inmate escaped with a fake I.D. And you thought President Bush was depressed before? This news will put him on suicide watch.

Kind of embarrassing
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are visiting San Francisco. It became a little awkward when Camilla was voted San Francisco’s drag queen of the day.

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are visiting San Francisco. Charles and Camilla will shop, dine and generally show San Francisco doubters that same sex marriages really can work.

Brownie, Brownie, Brownie
A House panel examining emails sent to and from FEMA head Michael Brown revealed that, during hurricane Katrina, Brown joked with colleagues about his clothes and makeup. Brown then went on to suggest that the evacuees should eat cake and then played the fiddle while watching the gas line fires rage in New Orleans.

Note to self: I don’t wanna see that
The cover article of “Sports Illustrated” is promoting the upcoming “Monday Night Football” duel between the Indianapolis Colts Payton Manning and New England’s Tom Brady. Is “Sports Illustrated” in cahoots with ABC? I don’t know and I don’t care unless they try and feature John Madden in the swimsuit issue.

That time of year
The New York City marathon is this weekend. In preparation the hookers in Times Square are carbo-loading.


Ouch
The mayor of Las Vegas, Oscar B. Goodman, has suggested that graffiti vandals should have their thumbs cut off; and you don’t even want to know what he wants to do to guys caught soliciting hookers.

The mayor of Las Vegas, Oscar B. Goodman, has suggested that graffiti vandals should have their thumbs cut off. Goodman used to be a mafia lawyer. Gosh, I wonder where he got that thumbs-cut-off idea?

Still going there, eh Lex?
George Takai, who played Sulu on “Star Trek”, announced that he is gay. In addition, he also admitted that his Sulu character really wanted to be entered into the Captain’s log.

November 3

You either playa hatin’ or you ain’t up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Bad timing
According to “Women’s Health” magazine, 10:34 on a Saturday night is when the most women will have an orgasm. The bad news? Men fall asleep by 10:30.

It was awkward when President Bush first greeted Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles at the White House. Bush exclaimed; “Hey, Chuck, I didn’t know you knew Bea Arthur.”

It was awkward when President Bush first greeted Prince Charles at the White House and Bush blurted out; “Damn, and I thought I had me some big-ass ears.”

Stats
A survey reveals that 54% of lawyers would not represent a terrorist; that’s not really a problem, another survey revealed 90% of terrorists don’t want to stoop to associate with lawyers.

A survey reveals that 54% of lawyers would not represent a terrorist; that’s a tough one, who do you side with, lawyers or terrorists? On the one hand you have merciless ruthless psychos, on the other hand you have terrorists.

Another crime
I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby pleaded not guilty. He’s charged with lying to investigators about leaking the name of CIA agent. In addition, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby was also given the lesser charge of having the name of a seventh grade prep school computer nerd.

You can’t spell BE OK without KOBE
In their opening game the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Denver Nuggets in overtime, 99-97. That’s not even the best news for Laker fans, while in Colorado, Kobe Bryant went out and ate at Applebees instead of ordering-in room service.

This is a big improvement for Kobe. The last time Kobe was working overtime in Colorado he had to give a DNA sample to the Eagle, Colorado police.

Good move
Green Bay Packer coach Mike Sherman walked out of a press meeting due to an unanswered ringing camera man’s cell phone. Good thing he did walk out. It was the Minnesota Vikings calling to invite the Packers on a boat cruise.

We kid the Jets
The New York Jets will face the San Diego Chargers with their fourth string quarterback. Now, don’t want to say the 2-5 Jets are bad, but if they sucked any more they’d be on a drunken boat cruise with the Minnesota Vikings.

Wha’ happen’?
Some people don’t understand technology, the other day I told a girl I didn’t have a palm pilot and asked if she would Google me with her Blackberry. She slapped me.

Not easy
Michael Jackson’s Never Land Ranch is up for sale but it will be a long time until the new owners will be able to move in. Why? Have you ever tried to disinfect an entire ranch?

Since you asked:
As I am proud to be a former Chicagoan and am a die-hard Cubs and a Bear fan, I will tell anyone who will listen in San Diego about how wonderful and fun-loving and funny and nice Chicagoans and Chicago sports fans, are. So what happens?

Friday night I’m playing harmonica with a band at a bar and, as I had just said something about congratulating the White Sox even though I’m a Cub fan, during a break, this guy comes up and identifies himself as a Chicagoan and a huge White Sox fan. He then proceeds to be the biggest douche bag you could meet. He asked if I thought Bob Dylan was the greatest harmonica player ever. As any right-thinking person, I said, absolutely no, I did not think Dylan was the greatest harmonica player ever. This actually pissed him off and he started arguing with me about my own damn opinion on the harmonica.

Sunday, I am waiting for a “to go” order at our local sports bar and there is this grumpy looking older guy in a Cubs hat and a Bear jersey loudly cheering for the Bears. I said something like “Hey, a fellow Bears fan, alright.” He ignores me. No loss. Then the ref proceeds to blow a call against the Bears in favor of the Lions and this constipated jerk starts shouting F-bombs in a crowded restaurant packed with kids.

Believe it or not, running into a-hole Chicago sports fans has been happening to me a lot lately. Please, if you are a Bears and Cubs fan and you are a grumpy, humorless, negative, foul-mouthed angry jerk, do me a favor, don’t tell people you’re a Cubs or Bear fan. You’re making us all look really bad. In fact, you might want to look into becoming a Yankees, Jets or Mets fan. You’ll feel more at home.

11/2

We gonna roll up on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

All in one
Michael Jackson’s Never Land Ranch is up for sale. The estate comes complete with an amusement park, a working miniature train, horse stables and Tito Jackson.

Such a deal
Starbucks is featuring quotes on their coffee cups, like, for example coffee financing rate quotes.

Or something like that
This week at CBS, 88-year-old Mike Wallace and 74-year-old Dan Rather got into a shouting match in the men’s room when they were at the urinals. They were both shouting; “I’m so old I can hardly pee.”

Beating this dead horse
George Takei, who played Sulu on Star Trek, announced that he is gay and has had a long time lover who is a guy. Star Trek fans were shocked. They had never, ever, heard the term “long time lover” before.

George Takei, who played Sulu on Star Trek announced that he is gay. This explains that time Sulu applied the Vulcan death grip to Spock’s ass.

We kid the President
The Federal Reserve has raised interest rates a quarter of a point; when asked if he thought a rate increase at this juncture was an over-reaction to stymie inflation or if the increase was simply growth accommodative, President Bush blinked and said; “I like biscuits.”

Swopes hoops, and we kid and have liked the Sheryl since her Mastercard commercial
WNBA star Sheryl Swopes came out of the closet and announced she is gay; I am shocked. That’s amazing, I had no idea the WNBA was still around.

WNBA star Sheryl Swopes came out of the closet and announced she is gay; this is vital information to all of those male groupies who flock to WNBA games. All three of them.

WNBA star Sheryl Swopes came out of the closet and announced she is gay; and here I thought it was unimportant when the guy who played Sulu on Star Trek announced he was gay.

WNBA star Sheryl Swopes came out of the closet and announced she is gay; wow, this is shocking information, now I don’t know how I will react the next time I don’t watch a WNBA game.

Since you asked:
Believe or not, loyal readers, this little attempt to provide a few free grins has come under fire from some apparently very important self-titled comedy experts. Oh well, to them let me quote our feisty 26th president:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

That’s right, I hung a Teddy R. quote on them.

But seriously, if you are a fan or not, thanks for reading all the same. Although I admit it happens way too much in here, nobody deliberately ever tried to write a bad joke. Well, except maybe for Andy Kaufman, but he had big brass ones. Just try to remember that writing jokes is a lot like baseball: hit .300 and you go to the Hall of Fame. That and you get to spit and scratch yourself a lot.

this just in

This just in:

The Federal Reserve has raised interest rates a quarter of a point; when asked he if he thought a rate increase was an over-reaction to stymie inflation or if increased rates were growth accommodative, President Bush said; “I don’t know what you said but now my head hurts.”

Halloween

We got us our punkin’ on’r than a mofizzy last nichtizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . wild . . . was . . .it?
It was a wild Halloween. One kid dressed as Billy Joel crashed into a kid dressed as Lindsay Lohan.

I had a rough Halloween. I went as a pirate and my parrot caught the bird flu.

Hate to hear that
Jay Leno was on Oprah. It was a little awkward, when Leno sat on Oprah’s couch he got Tom Cruise’s tiny little dirty foot prints all over his pants.

A tad late
My doorbell rang today, the day after Halloween; turns out it was a kid trick or treating as Ex-FEMA head Michael Brown.


Lex and Janice Hough’s collaboration
President Bush has declared a war on pornography; if Bush wants to get rid of pornography, he should just put it on prime time on NBC, it will be cancelled in a couple of weeks.

Call it what it is
You know what I hate about Halloween? That big time candy executives decided to call tiny pieces of Halloween candy “fun size.” What’s fun about too small? Why not call them what they

Rambo, oh, oh, my back
Sylvester Stallone has announced he is going to make another Rambo movie. In this one Rambo declares war when his nemesis tries to change the channel from “Matlock” to “Wheel of Fortune” at their assisted care facility.

Not all there
A survey reveals that 66% think President Bush is doing a bad job in Iraq; the other 34% think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes make a super dreamy couple.

Kind of like that
On “Monday Night Football” the once-greatest pass defender in the NFL, 38-year-old Baltimore Ravens “Prime Time” Deion Sanders, was only used on short yardage situations; ten years ago that would be like using Eric Clapton to play the cowbell on a wedding band’s rendition of “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

I don’t want to say he’s getting old but now “Prime Time” for Deion Sanders is during the Early Bird special.

Woody
In an interview in “Vanity Fair” magazine, Woody Allen said his relationship with his 35-years-younger wife Soon-Yi is more paternal than anything else; afterwards Soon-Yi asked Woody; “What does paternerternalal mean?.”

Since you asked:

You know how I can tend to rant on and on about how rude folks are around here? The trick or treaters last night? Very nice. Well mannered. Friendly. Polite. Nobody even smashed our pumpkin.

It was a good night. I watched Monday Night Football and cooked Steak Diane for the second time – not happy with the first effort – and this time it came out better. Sauce was much better.
Then it happened. Uh oh. Older teenage high school trick or treaters. Trouble now, right? Not exactly. They were collecting cans of food for victims of Katrina. Huh? Gave them three good ones, tomato soup, refried beans and green beans, not just the standard pumpkin pie filling and a can of okra.

Ann Caroline had a blast as a Hula Girl. She ain’t big on candy so she loves to hand it out to her appreciative friends. I remember when A.C. first went trick or treating. She was three and in her ballerina outfit and when they gave her treats her face lit up like she had found her lifetime calling.

If Ann Caroline was president every day we would wear a costume, play soccer, have a play date, hand out candy and sing Christmas songs by the tree.

10-31

It got all kinds of the drama up in Halloweenizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wie Howdy
Michelle Wie gave a $500,000 check to former President Clinton for the Bush-Clinton Katrina fund. Clinton thanked the 16-year-old Wie and said he would be glad to really show his appreciation, but not until she turns 18.

Bad hair birthday
Matthew McConaughey turns 36 Friday. His hair, however only turns three.

The Garden State of Mind
New Jersey is looking for a new motto. They decided not to go with; “You want I should whack who?”

New Jersey is looking for a new motto. They decided not to go with; “Come for the smell, stay for the contamination.”

New Jersey is looking for a new motto. They decided not to go with; “Leave the gun, take the Canolli.”

New Jersey is looking for a new motto. They decided not to go with; “New Jersey, at least we aren’t as rude as New Yorkers.”


“My, what pretty eyes you have when you’re angry, Kor the Klingon”
George Takei, helmsman Sulu on the Starship Enterprise on “Star Trek”, has announced he is gay. I am shocked. I had absolutely no idea Sulu was still alive.

I kind of suspected something when Scotty and Sulu were alone in the steam room and Sulu asked Scotty to beam him up.

You could tell Sulu was gay because he kept asking Spock if was true what they said about guys with big ears.


Good news bad news
In the end of the 21-14 win by the Cincinnati Bengals over the Green Bay Packers, a drunken fan ran on the field and stole the ball from Packers quarterback Brett Favre and ran thirty yards before being tackled by security. On the bright side, the Houston Texans signed that fan as their starting running back.


And one more shot into that final frontier
George Takei, helmsman Sulu on the Starship Enterprise on “Star Trek”, has announced he is gay. You kind of suspected something. Sulu once invited Chekov to come to his cabin and to be sure to bring his phaser.



Couple of A.C. stories:
As I have resolved to drop some pounds and get in shape like my idol, Chainsaw, and enter mini-triathlons this spring, there I was, Saturday, stretching out on the carpet with my 7-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, getting ready for a run when I started thinking out loud:

“Later I have to cash a check, then I’ll take the car and go fill it up.” suddenly I remembered I filled up the tank yesterday and, relieved, said to Ann Caroline; “Oh, I already got gas.”

“Here’s what you do.” A.C. said and then got on her knees, with her head down. Thinking she was talking about some new back stretch she learned at soccer I asked “What’s that for?”

“Mom said that you should kneel down with your butt up in the air when you’ve got gas.”

And:

This morning I was toasting Ann Caroline’s waffles when I was worrying we might be out of butter so I sort of pushed her away from wanting butter by asking;

“You only want syrup, right?”

Ann Caroline looked at me funny and said;

“No. I don’t just want syrup. I want waffles AND syrup.”