We A rolling up to the B side of C-town to check out the D-dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That whacky, nutty Jane
After saying the C-Word live on the “Today” show, Jane Fonda is causing more trouble. Today Jane went to the Los Angeles Airport and kept asking them to page Mike Hunt.

Same thing
Did you see the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama debate? It started out nice but then it turned ugly; just like Hillary’s marriage to Bill.


Ding, ding, ding
Prostitutes in the San Fernando Valley are prospecting customers at gas stations. For $200 you can really fill her up.

Prostitutes in the San Fernando Valley are prospecting customers at gas stations. But remember, fellas, no topping off.


How cold was it?
Another storm hit California. Today I was shaking like Hillary Clinton reading the polls.


A short list
Paris Hilton is trying to figure out who sent her a $40,000 bottle of Champagne. Yeah, the note said; “Thanks for the wild time in the back of the limo” so she has it narrowed down to just about 200 people.

Oscar savvy
Everyone is excited about the Oscars and many think the Oscar for best actor will go to Daniel Day Lewis for his portrayal of a ruthless oil man from the turn of the century. I think the film is titled “The Dick Cheney Story.”

I am Lex the Kase and I approve this message, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good idea
The Oscars are this weekend. The Oscar producers thought it was best if they cancelled the segment where Jane Fonda reads her limerick “There was a young woman on a hunt.”

Same deal
Did you see the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama debate? It started out nice but then it turned ugly; just like Hillary’s marriage to Bill.

It is not
Have you seen those funny Jack Link’s beef jerky commercials titled “Messin’ with Sasquatch”? They are about three guy hikers who pull practical jokes on big foot. Messin’ with Sasquatch is not, repeat, not about the rumored affair between Bill Clinton and Janet Reno.

Bushman
President Bush is in Africa. There was an awkward moment when somebody asked Bush if he would visit Niger, Bush replied; “Please, we call the black people here African Africans.”

President Bush is in Africa. There was an awkward moment when somebody asked Bush if he would visit Angola and Bush said “Yeah, I wanna see how they make them soft, fuzzy sweaters.”

Actually, there really is a town named that
There is a city in Japan called Obama. There is a city in North Carolina named for John McCain: Hornytown.

Not good
Do you get the feeling that Hillary Clinton is getting a little desperate? This time to get sympathy votes, Hillary isn’t just thinking about crying on camera, to win in Texas, Hillary will have to put on an adult diaper and drive across the county.

Putting the Man in McCain
With his smiling tall pretty wife, Cindy, by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. It was a little awkward when McCain went on to add;

“Heck, I’m lucky I can still score with my out-of-my-league hot wife.”

With his smiling tall pretty wife, Cindy by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. Is it just me or does John McCain and his wife look like the old dude at the Shriners convention meeting his escort in the hotel lobby?

With his smiling pretty wife, Cindy, by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. Hell, even if it is true, after Mark Foley and Larry Craig, most Republican would be glad one of their guys is having an affair with a woman for a change.


With his pretty wife, Cindy by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. You know, John McCain met his current wife when he was still married to his first wife, Carol. I’m not sure of the date, but I think it was about when Viagra came out.


Regular or un-headed
Prostitutes in the San Fernando Valley are prospecting customers at gas stations. It brings a whole new meaning to getting your dipstick checked.

Prostitutes in the San Fernando Valley are prospecting customers at gas stations. And for an extra $50 they throw in a lube job.

Curling our toes bored
“Sports Illustrated” is sponsoring a reality TV show about Curling. Who is going to want to watch a sport that is even too boring to play? Curlers have to get drunk just to stand playing Curling.

Hate to see that
The campaigning in Texas has gotten fierce. Today, to keep Bill Clinton in line, Hillary put barbed wire around the chubby interns.

The campaigning in Texas has gotten fierce. Today Hillary Clinton wore her rhinestone pantsuit.

The campaigning in Texas has taken an ugly turn. Today Bill Clinton got in a shouting match with Cowboy QB Tony Romo accusing Romo of stealing Jessica Simpson from him.

We got our road dog on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


What the heck?
The new celebrities for the next “Dancing with the Stars” have been selected and they include actor Steve Guttenberg, comedian Adam Corolla and Piscilla Presley. Here’s my question: Did they even bother to look at my audition DVD?


The exact same thing
The military shot down a spy satellite that is spinning out of orbit and set to crash to earth. This thing was the size of a bus and it was full of toxic waste so they had to get rid of it before it crashed and did serious damage. It’s the same problem “The View” had with Rosie O’Donnell.

It’s just a guess
A “Sixty Minutes” report claims Denmark is the happiest place on earth. This is just a guess, but does that mean that Paris Hilton is now calling her Who-ha Denmark?


Is it just me?
John Edwards and Barack Obama got together this weekend at Edwards house in North Carolina. Is it just me or do Obama and Edwards look like the guys with laptops and crossword puzzles laughing over a cup of coffee in the Starbucks ad?

Not good
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in Wisconsin and Hawaii. It is not looking good for Hillary. Hillary hasn’t been this distraught since Bill came home from a long trip and she found his empty Viagra Pez Dispenser.

Or something like that
After being fired as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig because she gained weight, Kirstie Alley is launching her own weight loss program. You’ve heard of the Zone Diet? Kirstie’s will be the Calzone Diet.

Indy is getting up there
The latest Indiana Jones movie is opening this weekend. You can tell Indy is getting older. This one is called; “Indiana Jones and the, um, oh shoot, what’s it called again?”

Not good either
It looks bad for Hillary Clinton; to give you an idea how bad, right now her best hope against Barack Obama is if they connect Barack’s DNA to an intern’s stained blue dress.


Ssstop it, you sssavages
Did you see that embarrassing moment during Roger Clemens’s congressional testimony? They kept referring to the repeated injections into Roger’s buttocks, and Idaho Senator Larry Craig blurted out; “OK, stop it, now you are just teasing me to death, you big sillies.”


Since you asked:
With his smiling pretty wife, Cindy, by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. Hell, even if it is true, after Mark Foley and Larry Craig, most Republican would be glad one of their guys is having an affair with a woman for a change.

Whether or not John McCain had an affair with a female lobbyist or not really doesn’t matter. Politics isn’t about the truth, politics is about perception. If McCain’s wife is willing to stand there and smile over an alleged affair by her husband, than we should let it go.

We live in such a prudish country that Dallas Cowboy fans actually got upset that their quarterback Tony Romo had a fling in a Mexican resort with Jessica Simpson. Would you want your football team to have a quarterback who would turn down an exotic fling with Jessica Simpson? Romo’s crime was getting caught on film, not having sex with Jessica Simpson. And, let's face it, if having sex with Jessica Simpson was a crime, most guys would gladly go to jail.

We honestly do not care if a top elected official has sex with someone other than their wife; what we really care about is that they aren’t clever enough to keep from getting caught.

This trend of Washington prudishness with the public and the press can all be blamed on that pathetic John F. Kennedy wannabe, Gary Hart. While Hart was running for president in 1984, the press knew he was openly running around with Hollywood B-list bimbos long before he was photographed on a boat called the Monkey Business with Donna Rice on his lap. What Hart did wrong was to openly and stupidly challenge the press to prove he was fooling around.

From that time on, the gloves have been off between the press and politicians.

Nobody knows that politics is about perception more than the Clintons. It has been widely known in inner circles that these two haven’t been living as a real married couple, i.e., having sex, since Bill was the governor of Arkansas. What upset Hillary is that Bill’s errant shot at Monica upset the perception of their being married.

Deep down, do we really want our top elected officials turning down one of the best side benefits of office: having sex with star-struck groupies? The fear of the wrath of the religious right over sexual trysts is how we end up with older allegedly married guys chasing male pages around and soliciting sex in airport bathrooms like Foley and Craig.

If some elected official is gay, fine, their sex life is their business. But when some old creep runs on the coattails of the religious right, family values and is pro-life, but they are secretly running around tapping younger guy tail, that is a serious credibility and hypocrisy problem. Let’s be candid, it is also more than a little disgusting.

So if John McCain had an affair, who cares? Last I heard they were still making more Viagra.

Ya gotta make this here:

No kidding around, I do not want to say that you haven’t lived until you’ve made my Lex’s Chili Cheese dogs with onions and pickles, but, well, you haven’t lived if you haven’t made my Lex’s Chili Cheese dogs with onions and pickles.

Not to get all “24” Jack Bauer on your narrow tookuses, Slats and Nugs, but if you do not follow my instructions exactly, lives will be lost. Here is what you need to get:

Hebrew National Jumbo Beef Franks
Sara Lee’s Sandwich Rolls, Country French style (Spare me the French jokes, people)
*Bush’s Homestyle Chili in a jar, no beans.
Shredded Cheddar Cheese
One yellow/sweet onion
Bubbies Bread & Butter Chips pickles
Beer

(*Yes, I would prefer my Lexter’s Drexel chili, but that takes over four hours to get the stuff and make and this Bush’s Homestyle no beans in a jar is as close as you can get)

Turn on your gas grill and your oven to 400 degrees.

(Also turn on the outdoor speakers with your iPod playlist labeled Grilling that has Brother Cane’s “Got No Shame” Stones “Tumblin’ Dice” EC’s “Cocaine” Led’s “What is And Shall Never Be” Dobey Gray’s “Drift Away” Shawn Colvin’s – or if you prefer, Gnarls Barkley’s - “Crazy” Bill Whithers “Ain’t No Sunshine” Jackson’s “Call it a Loan” and Emily Lou’s “Pancho and Lefty” and of course, the E-Guys “Seven Bridges Road.”

Finely dice the onion. Put the chili in a pan and add a splash of beer and warm it up. (You need to do this because it is so good and thick) Now drink the rest of the beer. You’ve earned it, bitch.

Slice one of the Hebrew dogs almost all the way through and butterfly it open. Slice one hot dog all the way through. (You need one and a half hot dogs, one isn’t enough, two is too many) The gas grill is perfect to give just enough smoked flavor.

Grill the hot dogs on the sliced side down for just over two minutes on one side two and a half on the other skin side. If the grill is hot this is enough to cook it and give it grill marks without it curling up on you like some freakish, well, other thing that looks like a hot dog but that is curled and bent.

Place the one and a half hot dogs in the bun, liberally spoon on the chili. Liberally sprinkle on the cheddar cheese. Pop it in the oven on a cookie pan for not very long. Until the cheese melts and the bread gets light brown and slightly toasty. Take it out put the pickles in the bun and liberally sprinkle the diced onions. Open a cold beer. Turn on a good game.

And Bob is your frickin’can-I-get-hey-now-one-time, righteous mother fizzy Uncle.

(Polite applause building to thunderous ovation)

When this here drops we expect to get us some solid props, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hard is it?
This campaign has become hard for Hillary Clinton. This campaign is harder for Hillary than trying to explain irony to Paris Hilton.

This campaign is harder for Hillary than trying to get panties on Britney Spears.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The USDA has recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef. It was a little awkward when President Bush was informed of the recalled 143 million pounds of tainted meat. Bush said;

“Who knew they got that much meat from their taints?”

What hath they wrought?
Health officials have discovered an alarming 20% increase in middle-aged suicides ages 45-54. Damn that NBC, see what happened when they cancelled “Cheers”?

Ah, that magical time
In baseball, spring training camps have opened. For the first time we can hear the crack of the bat, the pop of the ball in the mitt, the chatter of the infielders, the stab of the needle in player’s asses.

More politically correct
A judge will decide on the amount of the settlement in the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. He wants to give her $50 million but she wants $100 million. Heather Mills denies that she is a greedy gold digger. She prefers the term ambitious precious metals excavator.

What is that loud humming noise?
Paris Hilton made went to Harvard to pick up the Harvard Lampoon’s Woman of the Year trophy. The incident was marred by the noise coming from cemetery of the founders of Harvard spinning in their graves.

This also marks the first and only time the words Paris Hilton went to Harvard have ever been used.

Paris Hilton went to Harvard to pick up the Harvard Lampoon’s “Woman of the Year” trophy. It was awkward when they tried to explain to Paris that the award was an example of irony, Paris said;

“Like my maid totally does all of my ironing.”


Since you asked:

If you thought my Interrupting Pirate jokes was stupid, you might want to brace yourselves, Slattlies and Nuggeses.

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other:

“So what do you make of this mad cow disease?”

The other cow replies;

“What do I care? I’m a helicopter.”





Oh, come on, it’s a little funny. No? Never mind. (In my best Emily Latella)

Is it just me?

Is it just me or does John McCain look like the old guy in McDonalds demanding the manager gives him his money back after already eating half of his Happy Meal?


Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the high school English teacher who just informed you, with a big smile on her face, that you were failing her class?


Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the head of the Co-Op board who turns down your bid with a huge smile on her face?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the beauty pageant director who reminds the audience that all the girls are winners in their own special way?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the president of the Country Club Membership committee who smiled when she told you they had turned down your membership request?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the housewife playing Nurse Ratched in the local theater production of “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest”?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like night shift nurse who won’t give you a sleeping pill?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the bank officer who gleefully turned down your loan?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the Mom who told you your date with her daughter is off because she is grounded but you know it’s because she doesn’t approve of you?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the high school counselor who tells you had to better apply yourself?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the big shot agent’s secretary who won’t let anyone past her without an appointment?

Is it just me or does John McCain look like that old guy in the grocery store trying to sneak by fifteen cans of cat food in the Ten-Items-Or-Less line?

Is it just me, or does John McCain look like that cranky old guy in the grocery store who keeps bumping your leg with his cart?

Is it just me or does John McCain look like the guy at the coffee shop who keeps showing you pictures of his fishing trip?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look just like the mother of the girl who broke up with you to date the star quarterback of your rival high school’s football team but not until after you gave her expensive earrings on Valentines Day? OK, that one was just me.

Get the mambo in the gambo and get all Rambo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How rainy was it?
It was rainy in Los Angeles last week. Amy Winehouse’s hair had that wet dog smell.

Is that a fact?
The NBA All Star game was this weekend. “Wow, that is the greatest event in sports” said absolutely not one single person in the history of all mankind.

A laugh riot
What is always the number one trait all women say they look for in men? A sense of humor. Do you realize what this means? Tom Brady is one of the funniest men on the planet.

What irony
On the “Today Show” Jane Fonda dropped the C-word. I can’t say what the C-word was, but, ironically, it’s the same word Vietnam veterans have been calling Jane Fonda for nearly five decades.

Scientific fact
A new study reveals Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids back in 2000. You can tell by counting the rings around the trunk of his head.

Good thinking
The military said it will shoot down a crippled satellite and blow it up before it crashes to the earth. They got the idea from watching the New York Knicks.

If you know what I mean
In an interview about his two-year marriage, “Diff’rent Strokes” star Gary Coleman revealed they have not consummated their marriage. Turns out his strokes must not be all that diff’rent.

Song selection
One of the members of the band Boston told Mike Huckabee to stop ripping off their song “More Than a Feeling.” However Neil Young said that John McCain can still use his song “Old Man.”


Since you asked:

Here is a new cooking tip feature all the good people here at a.L.b.B. productions like to call:


Lex rips off another Sam the Cooking Guy tip:

Buy one of those awesome rotisserie chickens at Cost Co or your local Super Market get it home, let it cool off and then take off the skin and start pulling off usable chunks with thumb and forefinger and put them in a plastic tub. They make for great quesadillas and chicken sandwiches and just tossed in a salad.

Sam the Cooking Guy is very entertainment and lazy-guy friendly, plus he does the cooking all by himself without a crew of 50 to clean up after him like Emeril, Bobby Flay or Giada and Rachel.

Sam’s line of thinking is to keep cooking fun for us grill and cooking loving guys who want to impress guests but don’t want to spend a lot of effort to do it. There are some awesome sauces and dressings and marinades out there in stores for you to use and doctor up with whatever you want to make them your own without destroying your kitchen in the process. Like Stubbs barbeque sauce is great but it is even better when I toss in some mustard, molasses and Worcestershire sauce.

www.thecookingguy.com