Saturday, July 27, 2002

Check it out funk soul Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Before I get into my material, I just gotta tell youse, it was a beautiful day here in San Diego, land of the lotus eaters. Ran, had a little pool time with my daughter, lunch with the family - sans the two doggies - by the local pool, and then worked out with my lovely wife. (You sick bastards, I mean we lifted weights.) Now I am drinking a beer and playing John Hiatt tunes as I prepare to grill my marinated chicken breasts for a Caesar salad that is so good, it will make you want to go and slap Caesar hisself. (White raisons and toasted pine nuts are the key)

A man in New York City is suing six fast-food restaurants because he is obese. That’s like suing a mirror factory because you’re ugly.

Mick Jagger turned 59 today. They guy is a billionaire rock star who constantly dates super models decades younger than he. They gave him a cake, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and Bam: He turned into Mick Jagger.

Geraldo Rivera is getting married. Rivera finally broke down and decided to marry his fourth wife when his attorneys assured him, for the last time, that he cannot legally marry himself.

This is interesting. Today Allen Iverson said he doesn’t have to be in prison any more. He has a note from Ted Williams saying he can go free.

In case you haven't heard, Ted Williams’s son, John Henry, presented a faded note signed by Ted Williams requesting that the slugger be cryogenically frozen. The son claims this proves that his Father wanted to be frozen. In addition, John Henry also presented a note saying he doesn’t have to go to gym class. Rumor has it Williams wanted to be frozen until he could be brought back to life in the future. Unless, of course, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays picked up his option.

Michael Jackson is in financial trouble due to many pending lawsuits. In fact, Jackson’s finances have as big a gaping a hole as the middle of his face.

I finally saw the movie “The Rookie” with Dennis Quaid. It’s good, but I was disappointed. They said it’s a true story about a high school baseball coach who tries out and makes it to the majors. But in the movie he only makes it to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Accused terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui argued with the judge, and withdrew his guilty plea. This guy is French and a terrorist. That means even terrorists think he is rude. What a shock it is that he isn’t getting along with others. Those French terrorists are usually such warm and friendly folks.

(Apologies to Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain")

Oh to live on Yucca Mountain, with the Hookers and the nuclear park.

You can’t be twenty on Yucca mountain, but at least you glow in the dark, you glow in the dark.

President Bush signed a bill today making Yucca Mountain, 70 miles north of Las Vegas, the national dumping site for radioactive waste. I am shocked. I have driven out there and seen that land and let me tell you something: that is a horrible way to treat nuclear waste.

If a real estate ad described Yucca Mountain as god forsaken and barren, it would be charged with misleadingly over-stating the beauty of the area. Yucca Mountain is near the Mustang Ranch brothel. That should be an interesting new twist: hookers who glow in the dark. Let’s put it this way: people in Needles, CA make fun of Yucca Mountain. Yucca Mountain is in Eureka County Nevada. It’s named Eureka because that’s what people yell when they leave it. Do you know what they call a trailer park in Yucca Mountain? The rich side.

A study by the Center for Disease Control reveals that 7 out of 10 smokers want to quit. The other three are dead.

Researchers have discovered that children with dyslexia also have problems with rhythm and music. In fact, it turns out John Tesh’s real name is actually Tesh John.

In the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong continued to maintain the leader’s yellow jersey. As for those French fans who continue to heckle Armstrong en route, they continued to maintain their yellow streak.

A study reveals that there are factors that increase the chances of divorce: marrying young, lack of money, parents are divorced, and if you have the name Billy Bob tattooed on your genitals.

Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie have broken up. Apparently Billy Bob impregnated one of their servants, and he refused Angelina’s demand to get help for sex addiction. Have you ever noticed sex addiction is only an occupational hazard for guys who are movie and sports stars? Too much sex doesn’t seem to be a problem for the guys working at Radio Shack.

The Athens Olympic committee has asked George Michael to write the 2004 Olympic theme. There is no truth to the rumor that it will be a remake of the song “Hand Jive.”

A cat food manufacturer is going to make a TV show for cats called “Meow.” And we actually wonder why poor countries hate us.

Pringles is coming out with a new wide-can to make it easier to get at the chips. And for an extra $1.99, you can buy a special a funnel that attaches to the can and straps on your face so you can pour them straight down your throat.

Toupee-challenged whacko Ohio Rep. James Traficant was voted out of congress 420-1. Do you know who voted to keep him? Gary Condit. I didn’t know these guys were buddies. That explains it: Condit must be hiding something under Traficant’s toupee.

Dry conditions have driven rats from their usual nests into the wealthy neighborhoods of Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Pacific Palisades. In fact, they haven’t had any rats in that area since O.J. Simpson and Kato Kaelin moved out.

The government is going to expand Guantanamo prison camp for terrorists. Apparently civil rights activists decided that it is cruel that the terrorists do not have either a lap pool nor a par three golf course.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Well hi there Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Watch out for those falling stocks.

Hey, did you hear those drunk America West pilots racked up a $144 bar bill hours before taking off? To their credit, they did give the waitress a great tip: they told her to never fly America West. Letterman had a great line about that. The good news is now even terrorists are afraid to fly.

Pringles is coming out with a new wide-mouth can to make it easier to get at the chips. This means that somebody actually complained that the Pringles were too hard to get at before, and Pringles changed it. See that? Anna Nicole Smith is discovering being a celebrity gets things done.

Dry conditions have driven rats from their usual nests to forage for water and food in the wealthy neighborhoods of Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Pacific Palisades. These places have never had rats before, if you don’t count agents.

Britney Spears movie “Crossroads” is in video stores. So this explains all of the middle-aged men at Blockbuster dressed in trench coats, sunglasses with their hats pulled down real low;

“Yeah, my daughter forced me to rent this.”

“Sir, you don’t have a daughter.”

“Shut up and put it in the bag.”

The Stock Market behaved very oddly today. What is that called what it did? Oh yeah, it went up. Thank God the market was up today. We are running out of crashing stock market jokes. The folks at Amtrak are starting to make fun of the New York Stock Exchange. This economy is tighter than an America West pilot.

As an investor, I feel like Alan Arkin’s dentist character in the movie “The Inlaws” when he is lined up with Peter Falk’s character in front of the firing squad and he asks: “OK, no kidding, what’s our next move?”

A former Columbo mob boss claims that, in the Seventies, several New York Yankees paid off gambling debts by throwing games. Current owner George Stienbrenner would never let something like that happen . . . without taking his cut.

Speaking of Ass@#$%'s, Dennis Conner’s $5 mil America’s Cup yacht sank on its maiden voyage. The boat was salvaged, but this should teach Conner a lesson: He should never have signed World Com as his boat’s sponsor. I don’t know a lot about sailing, but I am pretty sure it is fairly important to check to see if the boat floats.

Former “Cheers” actor Woody Harrelson called President Bush as much of a terrorist as Osama bin Laden. Catch Woody in his next project, a horror film titled; “When Stupid Actors Speak Off Screen.”

There is a show on the Food Network called; “The Thirsty Traveler.” This guy travels around and reports about the best bars and best drinks in the world. How do you beat that gig? “Follow our host as he dates super models on tropical islands on; “The Horney Island Hopper.”

The Boston Red Sox’s Nomar Garciaparra celebrated his 29th birthday Tuesday by hitting three home runs, including a grand slam and driving in eight runs in a 22-4 win over Tampa Bay. American League pitchers should be thankful Nomar doesn’t play on Christmas.