Friday, October 24, 2008

We up and want somebody’s tookus in our totebag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh oh
John McCain snapped at reporters over questions about immigration and Sarah Palin’s $150,000 shopping spree. Uh oh. You know what this means? Somebody needs their nap.

Is it just me or does John McCain and Sarah Palin look like the trophy wife couple at the fundraising gala getting their picture taken with the M.C., local weatherman Skip Michaels?

I like them
I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of the bank branch manager who smiles when she informs you she won’t take your third party check. ‘Ohhh, I’m sooooo sooorrry.”

I like Joe Biden. He reminds me of the guy you play golf with who tells you “You’re problem is you’re standing too close to the ball . . . after you hit it.” And still cracks up every time.

I like Barack Obama. I’m not positive, but I could swear, many years ago, I bought some magazine subscriptions from him so he could run for student body president.

I like Joe Biden. He looks like the kind of guy who will swear he can tell the difference between a six-year-old Scotch and a 12-year-old Scotch.

I like Joe Biden. He looks like the kind of guy who knows where you can get a really good steak.

I like Barack Obama. He looks like the guy at the company picnic who plays really hard with all of the kids.

I like Hillary Clinton. She reminds me of the assistant field hockey coach who is desperately trying to put on a good face about being passed over for the job of head field hockey coach.

How come?
The big thing in fiction is vampire romance stories. Here’s my question: if we love mindless evil bloodsuckers so much why do we still hate lawyers, politicians and Wall Street executives?

Oh yeah?
Madonna’s divorce with Guy Ritchie is getting ugly; insiders say Ritchie has been turned off by how masculine Madonna has turned over the years. When asked to comment about becoming more masculine, a furious Madonna said that Guy Ritchie could kiss her huge testicles.

La Loser
Lindsay Lohan has had her episodes on “Ugly Betty” cut by two because of problems on the set. A spokesperson for Lohan denied any problems and said Lindsay was happy to have more time to work on her book “How To Destroy A Movie Star’s Career For Dummies.”

Let’s do another episode of

“And politicians actually wonder why we think they’re morons?”

Nobody in the history of human politics has ever had their opinion swayed by listening to a pre-recorded political pitch on the phone. Nobody.

But let’s suppose there was somebody, one person, who was so weak-minded, so empty-headed, so blissfully clueless that they were waiting by the phone for a politician’s recorded message to help them decide how to vote; they wouldn’t be stupid enough to wait the unendurable amount of time it takes for the message to play.

And that’s how we play;

“And politicians actually wonder why we think they’re morons?”

Thursday, October 23, 2008

After their entire eight years of losing seasons, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays shortened their name to the Rays and, bingo, are in the World Series. Some NFL team names do sound better shortened like the Buccaneers are the Bucs and the Packers are the Pack. But shortening the name doesn’t work for all teams, specifically the Titans and the Jaguars.

“Star Treks” William Shatner and George Takei are trading barbs. Takei accused Shatner of lying about not being invited to Takei's gay wedding and Shatner called Takei “emotionally sick.” To which Takei then threatened Shatner he would switch his phaser from stun to bitch-slap.
We real to the deal ‘til it surreal up in this wheel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Look who’s talking?
John Kerry is getting heat for telling a John McCain diaper joke; which is ironic because Kerry is the only one who has soiled himself during a presidential election.

Now eligible
Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsay Evans, 18, lost her crown after she was arrested for running out on a restaurant bill only to return for her forgotten purse in which police found marijuana. Although no longer Miss Teen Louisiana, Evans is now eligible to become Miss Dumb-ass Trailer Trash.

The San Diego Chargers face the New Orleans Saints in London Sunday. The English fans can’t wait for the tilt on the pitch where the Yankee droogs don their kits and go aggro on each other like a runaway lorry lining up in cue to gobsmack each other until
Bob’s your Uncle.

Thanks but no thanks
Joe Biden is saying that if Barack Obama is elected, he will get tested by a huge foreign crisis – most likely terrorists - when he becomes president. Here’s my question: Did Biden forget who the hell he is supposed to campaign for? Did somebody tighten his hair plugs too tight? Did they tuck his last eye tuck too much?

Home team?
The San Diego Chargers play the New Orleans Saints in London Sunday and the Saints are pronounced the home team. Who made that geographically-challenged decision, President Bush?

Since you asked:

OK, Hollyweird, (Heh, he said Hollyweird) you are officially on notice. If you somehow manage to screw up John Grogan’s “Marley and Me” you will be standing tall before the man facing the wrath of Lex. “The Wrath Of Khan”? A panty raid compared to the wrath of Lex.

Since I was a kid I was painfully aware of Hollywood’s ability to screw up bulletproof books. Dan Jenkins hilarious “Semi Tough” is a great example. That would have been “Butch and Sundance the Comedy in Cleats” if they didn’t screw it up. Instead, Burt Reynolds got his moronic, megalomaniac hands all over that thing and ruined the story beyond recognition.

By the way, they are remaking all of these movies that don’t need remakes, like “The In-Laws” and “The Heartbreak Kid” why don’t they remake one that does, specifically, “Semi Tough”?

“M&M” looks promising with Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston as the leads, but who knows? As much as I think she is talented and gorgeous – I have been a fan/stalker of hers since she was a kid on “The Julie Brown Show” - Jennifer Anniston is not exactly synonymous with watch-able movies. “Friends with Money”? "The Breakup”?

And if Marley isn’t a dead ringer for our beloved boneheaded Wrigley, I will feel ill-used.

And, trust me, you want zero part of an ill-used Lex.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dropping the Devil
After all losing seasons as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, they dropped the Devil and now they are in the World Series. How come dropping the Devil didn’t work for the San Francisco Giants? They dumped Barry Bonds.

After all losing seasons as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, they dropped the Devil and now they are in the World Series. This just in: the Chicago Cubs have announced they are now called the Chicago Devil Cubs until the start of next season when they will drop the Devil.

A Gambian woman gave birth to a baby while at JFK Airport in New York. It was awkward, when her water broke, security arrested her for trying to sneak more than 3 ounces of fluid on a plane.

It was awkward, when informed a Gambian woman gave birth at JFK, President Bush said “Heck, all pregnant women have big gambias.”

“Today” featured a segment on celebrity’s nicknames. Giada De Laurentis was “G”, Tom Cruise allegedly calls Katie Holmes “K-Bear” and, this is cute, Guy Ritchie calls Madonna “That skanky tramp who whores around with Alex Rodriguez.”

Since you asked:

Sleep fascinates me, it always has. Everything is cuter when it’s asleep. Even Donald Trump. Hell, even that thing on Trump’s head is cute when it’s asleep. And when they wake up, people – and our dogs -are all nappy-headed and groggy. It’s funny.

Dreams are wild because it combines so many things; your emotions, your memory, your creativity, your fitness, your health, and – not to sound like a California avocado head – but also possibly some spiritual influences we can’t define. Many, many whacky people feel they have contacted departed loved ones in their dreams. And I am one of them.

It seems to me the strength of the dream depends on how soundly you are asleep; the deeper the sleep the more realistic the dream. When you first lie down, you are in control of your thoughts and then you slowly start to lose control until the dream takes over. As you become more and more rested, your consciousness starts to regain control again. When you are almost awake is when you can decide to alter what is happening in the dream. When I finally wake up I dream that I hear a phone ring or somebody call my name.

Sometimes I listen to my iPod to fall asleep and, when I do fall asleep, the songs influence my dreams. This explains that nightmare I had about two muskrats going at it. (Just kidding. Like I would have “Muskrat Love” on my iPod . . I don’t . . . really . . . OK, I do but I got it as a goof)

Another feature of the dream is the “Apocalypse Now” aspect of going out on a voyage or journey and then coming back. My dreams have different settings – almost like movie sets - and none of them are like they are in real life. My Santa Barbara has a wild west Bohemian section of town on a hill that doesn’t exist and a funkier Mediterranean-like coastline. My hometown of Winnetka is like a peninsula train track set that goes from my house to my high school and back with inserts of friends houses randomly stuck in along the way.

The process of dreaming goes something like this:

“Oh boy, I am tired. This feels good. Man, I had a good day. That movie was weird though. Jeeze, how many movies is Ben Stiller in anyway? He is funny but he is kind of built like a chimpanzee. Chimps are funny. Heh. Chimp. Even the name. Chimp. It’s like chump. Chimp, chimp, chimp . . . Hey, what’s a chimp doing in my kitchen? Ben Stiller, did you bring a chimp into my kitchen? Oh, the dogs aren’t going to like this . . .”

And you are off and running in dreamland.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Did you see that Barack Obama is co-starring in a big blockbuster movie this summer? Oh, wait, no, I’m sorry, that is the actor who is made up to play Spock on the upcoming Star Trek movie. My bad.
These just in:

Police in Iowa arrested elderly Edna Jester because she wouldn’t give a kid’s ball back that landed in her yard. The 89-year-old Edna got mad when the ball hit her “I’m Hot For John McCain” sign.

Democrats are now worried that Tina Fey’s portrayal of Sarah Palin makes Palin appear a likeable good sport. Yeah, sort of like how Dick Cheney’s impersonation of the Penguin makes him look so darn cute.

Madonna’s divorce of Guy Ritchie is getting nasty. She claims irreconcilable differences. Apparently Guy has this whole attitude thing about her sleeping with big American jocks. Pfft. Whatever . . .

Madonna’s divorce of Guy Ritchie is getting nasty. She claims irreconcilable differences. Plus Madonna can no longer tolerate his affected and annoying fake British accent.

Madonna’s divorce with Guy Ritchie is getting nasty. Who could have seen this coming? Well, besides Alex Rodriguez, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon, Vanilla Ice, that scary comedian Sandra Bernhardt and the entire NBA circa 1993-96.

Madonna’s divorce with Guy Ritchie is getting nasty. By cavorting around with Alex Rodriguez, Guy is accusing Madonna of acting like a slut. That’s silly. Everybody knows Madonna can’t act.

To give you an idea how rough the economy is: today the Beverly Hills Chihuahua had sex-for-money with the Calabasas Bassett.

Since you asked:

Yesterday we, me and A.C., were walking to our car from the grocery store when my insanely observant 10-year-old daughter noticed a brand new Lexus with a John McCain bumper sticker and an Alaska license plate.

“It probably belongs to Sarah Palin.” I said making a joke. “She has to shop somewhere.”

Ann Caroline snickered and said;

“No, I hear she shoots all of her food.”

(Sniff) My baby’s first political joke. I’m so (sniff) proud.

We do how we do how we do how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You’d think
Fertilizer prices have jumped 50% to 100% in one year. That's amazing. In an election year, you'd think the one thing we have in surplus would be B.S.

Stretching it
Scientists have discovered the oldest-ever remains of a dog dating back 31,700 years. It was called the Paleolithic dog. Or as John McCain called it: Sparky.
31,700 years officially sets the record for the most ludicrous John McCain age reference.

Who knew?
Sadly, snarky fashion expert Mr. Blackwell passed away. The cause of death? It turns out Oprah’s gown at the Emmys was to die for.

Warning sign
The Dallas Cowboys announced that suspended Adam “Pacman” Jones is undergoing treatment for alcohol addiction. They suspected there was a serious problem when Jones announced he was changing his name from “Pacman” Jones to “Joe Sixpack” Jones

Madonna’s attorneys claim Guy Ritchie called Madonna “a Granny.” That could prove to be the most expensive two words in history next to Paul McCartney telling Heather Mills “I do.”

Madonna insiders say her divorce with Guy Ritchie could result in ugliness of epic proportions. To give you some idea, this divorce could be uglier and more painful to see than any of Madonna’s film performances. Even “Shanghai Surprise.”

And he has Spock’s ears
Is it just me, or when Barack Obama gives a speech, do you hear a little bit of Captain Kirk’s . . . famous . . . pauses?

Good advice
Actor David Duchovny checked out of sex addiction rehab to find that his wife, Tea Leoni, filed for divorce. Here’s a little marriage tip. If you don’t want to get divorced, don’t give up sex.

You know what the first sign of sex addiction is? Having working genitals.

How did I guess?
China’s two-time Olympic table tennis medalist, Wang Hao, will get counseling after fighting a security guard who tried to stop him from urinating outside a Beijing karaoke club. Let’s see: public urinating, fighting, Karaoke. Why do I suspect alcohol was involved?

Although Hao correctly defended himself saying it was better for people to hear him urinate than sing Karaoke.

Since you asked:

As he is one of my favorite sports writers, at least in the top 20, as a Cubs fan, it pains me to report the San Francisco Chronicle’s great Scott Ostler has suggested, to appease us whining Chicago fans, the Cubs and the Sox should play a best-of-five game Loser Series. That hurts. But the loser of this loser series could play the San Francisco Giants and the loser of that would win the Loser World Series.

No offense to my man Scott Ostler, but having a Giants fan insult the Cubs is like Paris Hilton calling Madonna a skank.

(Oh, snap. Yes, big O, it is on. Well, as much as it can be on when an obscure, unknown blog-spewing hack comedy writer goes after a nationally-known award-winning sports journalist)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Can I get a what, what, what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Joe Mamma
There sure are a lot of Joes in politics these days. There’s Joe Biden, there’s Gov. Palin’s Joe Sixpack, John McCain’s Joe the plumber and President Bush is a Jo Ke.

Either or
Florida congressmen Tim Mahoney paid $121,000 to his mistress to be quiet and she threatened him with sexual harassment. So, after blowing so much money to fool around on his wife, if congress doesn’t work he can become either Gov. of New York or a Lehman Brothers exec.

And there is a study that, oh, I forget . . .
There is a study that claims having too much testosterone can kill brain cells. And there is a study that claims that having too much testosterone can kill brain cells.

Go figure
In a concert, Madonna made a crack about Guy Ritchie being “emotionally retarded.” Asked to comment, Ritchie said “For some reason I can’t explain my feelings.”

That too
Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce and now they have to decide who gets the majority of their $400 million estate. It could get ugly. Ritchie earned $25 million and Madonna earned the rest of the $375 million. Plus Madonna’s penis is way bigger.

Juice ruse
OJ Simpson’s attorneys are requesting a retrial. In fact, they even issued a statement:

“OJ did not steal his own gear, so you all can stick it in your . . .” well, you got the idea.