Friday, July 22, 2011

Separated at birth?

That’s “Smokey” Joe Wood, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Crowne Plaza hotels has hired snore patrols to check for loud snoring and then knock on the door to wake snoring guests up. Now it turns out they have to hire a knocking patrol to tell the snore patrol to stop knocking and waking people up.

Rupert Murdoch’s wife, Deng Wendi, jumped up and slapped down her husband’ pie attacker. That guy got bitch-slapped like he tried to steal Kirsty Alley’s last donut.

Did you know there was a stabbing at Comic Con last year? Not really a stabbing, one nerd poked another geek in the face with a pen. It was the first instance at Comic Con of a dork-on-dork crime.

All we do know is the fight was not over a woman.

The sexual harassment lawsuit against Britney Spears by her former bodyguard alleges some repulsive behavior on Spears’s part including not showering, not using deodorant, constantly and loudly belching and passing gas. It’s like I have a twin.

Did you know there was a stabbing at Comic Con last year? Not really a stabbing, one nerd-guy poked another geek-dude in the face with a pen. The fight started when one nerd called the other nerd a virgin instead of the preferred term: a sexual abstinence practitioner.

The NFL owners have voted to end the lockout. Well, not Oakland Raider owner, Al Davis, he voted to rebuild the Empire’s death star so he could destroy the Jedi Knight’s planet.

This right here is what a spoiled rotten dog looks like, his royal Wrigger-digger, Wrigley T.

Well slap me baffy-headed and call me Betty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so hot in London, Rupert Murdoch asked someone to throw an Eskimo pie at him.

Britney Spears is being sued by a former bodyguard for, among other things, loudly passing gas. A lot. If this is true, it brings new meaning to Britney’s song; “Oops, I Did It Again.”

In South Africa, a great white shark jumped into a research boat. The good news is nobody, including the shark, was hurt, and because it jumped the shark, the boat got a sitcom on the Disney Channel.

Comic Con has begun in San Diego. So good luck getting your computer fixed in the next four days.

Comic Con in San Diego. It’s the only place in the world where hookers get paid to play Dungeons and Dragons.

It is so hot in New York, people are going to the Mets games just to feel the breeze off the bats of the Mets striking out.

A leopard attacked a village in India. Now don’t confuse this with Kirsty Alley, she’s a cougar who attacked a bar in Hollywood.

“The Addams Family” creator’s New Jersey house is up for sale. “The Addams Family”confused me. Why would a married woman, like Mortisha, keep a fully functioning, yet disembodied, hand in a box? What purpose could that possibly, oh, my word, I got it, Thing was a sex toy.

Tiger Woods has dumped his caddy, Steve Williams. Apparently Tiger heard Williams was playing a round with another golfer.

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, had a baby girl. They named her Arabella Rose, which is better than the name the Donald wanted. He wanted her named Trumpina Trumply.

Only 25% of American students passed a geography test. Asked to comment about the poor geography results., one student says “Who cares about a bunch of rocks?”

In San Diego the Del Mar racetrack opened on the same day as Comic Con; proving again that there is nothing more beautiful than a gorgeous woman in a big floppy hat, and nothing as dorky as a nerd dressed as Hans Solo.

Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using what she claims is a Kim Kardashian look-alike in their ads. If that’s true, Kim will have to sue every other stupid bimbo hanging out at the mall.

Since you asked:
Call me a stand paddle board surfing fool, I don’t mind. Got her done at La Jolla Shores/Scripps at 6:45 am. Good sess. Caught about ten great rides. Used the paddle once I caught the wave for a change. It really helps.

Miss Cuthpert, you gorgeous stack of pancakes, you.

Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooon riverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

You'll understand why later

True dat, true dat, true dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The latest story on Michelle Bachmann is she suffers from debilitating migraines. The headaches range from mild, to disconcerting to the really bad ones that render her almost Sarah Palin-like

Michelle Bachmann said her migraines would not impair her ability to be President. You know what would impair her ability to be President? The election.

Michelle Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, claims he can counsel guys from being gay. Have you heard this guy? Physician heal thyself. He sounds like Adam Lambert’s dance choreographer. .

Michelle Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, claims he can counsel guys from being gay. Have you heard this Marcus guy talk? He sets off more gaydar than the San Francisco men’s choir.

Have you heard this Marcus guy talk? He makes Richard Simmons sound like Hulk Hogan.

Al Qaeda’s new leader, Ayman Zawahiri, has been described as far less popular and less-likeable than Osama bin Laden. If you’re less likeable than a guy whose death triggered wild celebrations by hundreds of millions? You may need work on your people skills.

Since you asked:
It has taken ten days, but I am starting to be able to tell Kasey stories with a smile. One of my favorites was Kasey's later day Miracle at the Mormon Church.

Bless her soul, Kasey was really only sick for a day and a half of her entire life. The half day was when we were on a run and she got stung by a bee and she had an anaphylactic shock reaction. Her throat swelled up and her breath was rasping. Picked her up and stood in the street of Del Mar Heights and stopped the first car that came by.

Poor guy had a 225 sweaty guy with his apparently dying dog in his brand new Mercedes with leather seats, but he was a doctor, he called ahead to the vet to have an antihistamine shot ready. In a half an hour, Kasey was fine. Thanks to him, we actually saved Kasey’s life.

The other time was even more scary. Kasey was moping around. When I petted her stomach, she yelped repeatedly. This is a dog who only yelped once in her life and that was when a nasty cattle dog bit a hole through her ear at dog beach in Del Mar. With blood running down her neck, she still wanted me to throw her Frisbee in the ocean.

It was about midnight on Friday night when I drove Kasey to the Helen Woodward Emergency Vet Clinic for her stomach ache. A nice guy took her x-rays and told me there was nothing to worry about. Yes, Kasey had a nasty gas build up and she ate a lot of something that did not agree with her, but it would pass. Sure enough, a few antacids later, Kasey was her old self.

On Sunday we leashed up Kasey and put the-then-toddler Ann Caroline in her stroller for a nice family brunch of lox and bagels on the tables outside the bagel shop on a beautiful spring day. As we passed in front of the Mormon Church on the way, Kasey went into her pooping stagger on their grass. Dutifully, I took out a plastic bag and then saw Virginia laughing with her hand over her mouth and pointing at Kasey’s furry butt.

Sure enough, Kasey’s last, um, deposit seemed to be dangling in mid air. Closer inspection revealed it was dangling from a string. A green string.

In between gasping for breath due to hysterical laughter, Virginia instructed me;

“Pull it out.”

“You pull it out,” was my reply.

As luck would have it, I had extra plastic bags and put them on my hands like surgical gloves and prepared to pull Kasey’s string.

It came out a foot, then two feet, no, three, four feet of nasty, poop-covered green string. Virginia was now lying on the sidewalk prone and paralyzed with laughter. At the time, I didn’t think it was so funny.

Six, seven eight, nine, ten feet of the most knotted and poo-smeared green string. And Kasey was not happy about this as she was whining. Apparently it hurts having string pulled out of your butt. Hopefully you didn’t already know that.

All told it turned out Kasey had eaten - and I had to extract in front of god and the Mormon Church - thirty-odd feet of dental floss. We later found the chewed-open plastic container under the bed. It was mint flavored so she ate the whole thing, apparently unable to chew it and cut it, so she swallowed it all.

Thus it was known forever as Kasey’s later day Miracle at the Mormon Church.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Here we have Hanoi Jane Fonda doing her Mike Dukakis/Snoopy impression while supporting the troops during the Vietnam War. The North Vietnamese troops.

We up and done tore it up up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Guess who has the number one selling jersey in the WNBA? Maya Moore of the Minnesota Lynx. I am shocked. There is still a WNBA? How is that even possible?

Borders Bookstores are closing. Who could have guessed letting people sit in comfy chairs and read their books and magazines for free would be a bad business plan? That’s like a medical marijuana store putting in futons and showing a Cheech and Chong film festival.

At the hacking hearing in London, media mogul, Robert Murdoch, was hit with a cream pie. If they’re not careful this whole hacking scandal could start to get silly.

The 405-closing Carmegeddon turned out to be nothing. Maybe we need to give all our problems end-of-the-world nicknames to go away. Like the Debt-ceiling-ocalypse, the global-warming-dooms day and Unemploymentmegeddon.

Jane Fonda* is whining she can’t peddle her book on QVC because people are complaining about her politics. How annoying does someone have to be if they are deemed too annoying to be on QVC?

Frayser High in Memphis had 90 girls who were pregnant. And no wonder, their team mascot was the Fighting Arnold Schwarzeneggers.

Michelle Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, helps folks pray the gay away? Really? Have you heard this guy talk? He makes Truman Capote sound like James Earl Jones.

Since you asked:

Starting to get back into shape thanks to stand up paddle boarding. No lie, after a solid two hour session last Saturday, I was out of it for two days with flu-like symptoms. Napped, swigged coconut water, Advil, you name it.

Today I was out at La Jolla Shores with dolphins and lots of sting rays at 6:45 AM. A pelican dove and caught a fish four feet from me. It was beautiful. Water is a comfy 68. No booties, no wetsuit, just a rash shirt and trunks. Makes for way easier packing up after. Only about five SUP bros out there.

*Not a huge Jane Fonda fan. Talk about a psycho spoiled brat. She claims she is being persecuted by not being allowed to peddle her book on QVC because she was against the Vietnam War. She wasn’t against the war, she was for it. She was for the war on the side of the North Vietnamese. She should have gone to prison as a traitor. She flew to Hanoi during the war and sat for pictures on an antiaircraft gun used to kill many American pilots.

Jane Fonda is a slutty skank who has come out and admitted she had taken acid and engaged in coke-fueled orgies several times with Charles Manson himself. She is proud of having sex with Manson.

When Jane was married to that pock-faced pseudo politician publicity whore, Tom Hayden, they lived in a mansion/ranch in the Santa Barbara hills. There they would frequent one of the greatest places on earth, Cold Spring Tavern. Two actual log cabins which was a former stage coach stop converted into a fabulous bar and restaurant in the Santa Barbara mountains. My good buddy and one-summer roommate, a crazy “Jeremiah Johnson” look alike, Mike was a bartender there.

Mike was a mellow, mellow dude who owned one pair of jeans and about three shirts to his name. Mike liked everybody and everybody liked Mike. Mike absolutely despised Jane and Tom. He said they were rude to the staff and impossibly demanding. Now, although I never met Hanoi Jane, Mike's word was more than enough for me.

One time the anti-establishment, anti-elite, anti-materialistic hippy couple demanded to the Cold Spring owner –can’t remember his name - that he close the restaurant when they dined there so they could eat in private. (Nobody had ever actually asked for an autograph because nobody liked them)

The owner told Tom and Jane they were no longer welcomed. They threatened to sue, so he regretfully let them come back.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Introducing is Royal Highness, Schnaking McRighteous

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers - Angel Dream

T.P. getting 15 in his head

Paddle to the battle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Tour De France is heading for the 16th stage. Or as US sports fans call the Tour De France’s 16th Stage: The 16th Stage We don’t give a rat’s ass about.

British Open winner Darren Clarke said he got a text message from Tiger Woods giving him advice: “Stay the hell away from a restaurant called Hooters.”

The British Tabloid scandal keeps getting wilder and wilder. And yet, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why I don’t care a damn thing about it.

Charlie Sheen is going to star in his own sitcom titled “Anger Management.” That’s because the title “Blow” was already used in a movie.

The British Tabloid scandal keeps getting wilder and wilder. The British tabloids invented sleazy, invasive, paparazzi-infested, low-class lurid false gutter reporting. And now they are going out of business. This is a bad thing . . . why?

Since you asked:
To write a really great rock song, a really talented guy has to get 15 in his head again - when he was hopelessly in love with 17-year-old Becky Dean, who had those amazing legs and that long brown hair. She would flirt with you, but you know she thought you were too young to take seriously. Plus, you didn’t have a driver’s license.

Write a song that has you stepping on stage with the band at the backyard keg party, strapping on a guitar and playing a song that will win Becky over for you. They are primarily stadium rockin’ thunder chords or tender love ballads.

Here are ten great examples of songs like that:


All Right Now

Wild Horses

Can’t Find My Way Home

Tumblin’ Dice, or Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’


Hallelujah (Buckley version)

Shook Me All Night Long

Born To Run

Angel Dream (Tom Petty is a master at getting 15 in his head)

That right there is my new summer grilling playlist.

Oh, latest grilling tip? When grilling a steak, throw on some un-cut scallions on the grill until they get black grill marks and use them as a garnish.

And I have to say, that tip of searing a steak for 1 1/2 minutes per side right on the coals, removing to cutting board and letting it rest for 10 minutes plus, re-seasoning and re-oiling (I am currently having great success with peanut oil instead of olive oil) and putting back on away from the coals until done is really great.

Monday, July 18, 2011

17-year-old Florida boy kills his parents with a hammer, hides their bodies and throws a party in their house. Sorry, Florida, but I am starting to think smoking all that meth isn't good for you.

Good for Dave:

Booking Hope and Abby for Tuesday. If I am Jay, and judging by my two cars, a Honda SUV and a Nissan sedan, I am not, I book Alex Morgan, Lauren Cheney and Heather O'Reilly for Wednesday.

Actually able to tell Kasey stories and smile. Like the time Kasey used to sleep on the foot of our bed. (This was pre-AC so over 12 years ago) As the night progressed, she would try to sneak higher and higher up.

About four in the morning I would wake up to find her about waist high and kick her back down to the foot. She would get up and grouse like an old man in his underwear complaining about his cold oatmeal.

One night I must have been really tired (read: red wine) and I slept all night. When I woke up and opened my eyes, there was Kasey, as pretty as you please, her little seal pup face eyes shut and snoring four inches away from my face, right on my pillow.

It is always good to wake up and laugh.

Angie - The Rolling Stones

This is making me wish Mick was singing this to the US women's soccer team

Laird Having Fun Today Hanalei SUP 3-14-10

Well I can kind of sort of do thi . . . nah, not even close. There is only one Lambra Bambra. (Laird)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Congratulations to Japan. Soccer is a wonderful game and so was this. You can be heartbroken that your team played so well and lost and still be happy for the winner, Japan.

Five North Korean World Cup Women's soccer players tested positive for steroids claiming it was from deer musk for treatment of a lightening strike. Suddenly my dog-ate-my-term-paper story doesn't seem so bad.

Good job, USA. Lots of love for the pride of Torrey Pines, Rachel "Buehl-dozer" "Anyone, anyone?" Buehler. She showed that, even if the calls don't go your way, or the ball bounce goes the wrong way, you can still play with class and heart. Great job.

If I may speak for my fellow US women's soccer team fans, (oh my word, the idiot thinks he can talk to the US women's soccer team) Shut up, inner tirade. As I was saying, if the US women's soccer team is upset and disappointed personally they didn't get the World Cup title, that is fine, but they can't for one split second think they let their fans down. That was one of the greatest sports spectacles a fan can ever hope to see. Period. Guts, clutch goals, stamina, courage, persistence, heart, drama, emotions, elation, and heart-breaking bad luck. It had it all.

In an exercise in healing, indulge me as I list Kasey's nicknames in rough order of most used:

Monkey Pants





Miss Bitty Bear (as she got older)

Inspector Kasey

Fuzzy tuchus

Miss Thing

Stinkerbell - now transferred to Ann Caroline

Scrounge-around hound


Cuddle-bunny - now transferred to Wrigley T.

*Kasey never understood that just a few smooches with her tongue on your leg went a long way. So I would have to thank her and gently stop her.

I'd give just about anything for a few of those smooches right now. Damn, I thought this would make me feel better.

Casey Anthony walks out of jail. Nice job, Orlandoans, not one of you had the stones to pull a Jack Ruby? What do you think all that meth you smoke is for?