Put all my money on Carnitas Carnage in the Derby today.

Now that the flu crisis has been upgraded to a pandemic, former President Bush urges everyone to remember to always wash their hands after handling a Panda.

Man, am I glad this week is over. The Free Pork Fajitas Tacos promotion at the Pontiac dealership I just bought didn't go as well as I had hoped.

Work is getting worked, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How rough is it?
This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on batteries.

Same thing
Tennis star Andy Roddick married swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker, they met through his agent. It’s an interesting relationship, every chance he gets, Roddick tries to do to Brooklyn what his agent does to him.

It don’t work that way
Long time Republican Senator Arlen Spector, switched and is now a democrat. That’s crazy, you just can’t switch what you are just like that, why ask all the gay guys who married Liza Minelli.

So mean
Due to pressure from the meat industry, the World Health Organization is changing the name of Swine Flu to Influenza A. That’s nicer than their first suggestion: the Susan Boyle Flu.

A lot of switching is all I am saying
The economy is rough, to save money, today five Republicans switched to democrat and then switched to Geico to save money on their car insurance.

Too much
New Yorkers are still furious about Air Force One buzzing the Statue of Liberty and downtown Manhattan. I didn’t think it was a big deal until Air Force One flew into the Majestic Theater to see Phantom of the Opera.

Not good
Long time Republican Senator Arlen Spector, switched and is now a democrat. I don’t want to say the Republicans are in trouble, but today three anonymous Republican politicians asked to be traded to the Detroit Lions.

Since you asked:

Since when did every other woman in the US suddenly decide to talk like a gay guy with a valley girl accent?

“Sssssuuzaaaanae, thisssss issss Ssssssarahljackline, I am like going to be like sssssssssssoooo late for our Pilatesssss classssss it isssssn’t funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

Shocker about Danny Gans. Did not know or ever see the guy in person, but I think I remembered hearing he was a health nut. Also just saw him in "Bull Durham." He was a young buffed ball player. Not a great actor, but . . .

He's a comedy legend for going from failing stand up act to making multi, multi millions in Vegas after telling psycho comedy club owners and egomaniac club managers to go F themselves.

OK, just read his Wikipedia and Danny Gans used to be a pro baseball player. He is often called the richest and most famous comedian/performer you have never heard of. He just switched casinos and had the world's biggest marquee. Wonder if we will hear rumors of mafia involvement and such.

Maybe this is a Me Getting Older thing, but I am really beginning to get irritated by people, young or old, who, when asked to list their favorite bands, only offer bands that nobody has ever heard of. Really? The Wah Dung Jugos are your favorite band? If they are that great shouldn't people besides you have heard even one of their songs?

It's what I call the Hootie and the Blowfish syndrome in reverse. HATBF were a good band with catchy tunes. What's not to like? But because their songs were upbeat and popular, they became an easy target for the uber hip "I don't like anything that is popular because I am so complicated and artsy" crowd.

Look ultra hip folks, I am sorry nobody liked you in high school so you decided anyone and anything popular is your sworn enemy, but Hootie and the Blowfish were not the reason you were eating a Filet O' Fish sandwich and watching "Flintstone" reruns on your prom night.

We got the fizzy up in the busy . . . I got nothing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Spect-acles
Long time Republican Senator Arlen Specter, switched to a democrat. In related story, but no relation, today in prison, Phil Spector switched from Bubba’s bitch to Raul’s girlfriend.

Long time Republican Senator Arlen Specter, switched and is now a democrat. Apparently Specter found himself more attracted to hookers than male Senate pages.

Attention
Attention all dyslexics, it is OK to keep drinking all vintages of varietals including cabernet, merlot and chardonnay. It is called the swine flu, not the wines flu.

Bark up the wrong project
South Korean scientists have genetically engineered a beagle that glows in the dark. This will make it easier for South Koreans to spot the dogs during candle lit dinners and midnight buffets.

Yeah, don’t worry about that silly swine flu thing, keep working on that important stuff.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward when they asked former President Bush what he recommended be done about the pandemic, Bush said; “To end the pandemic always wash your hands after handling a panda.”

Pants on
To give you an idea how bad the swine flu is, to protect himself from lowering his resistance due to the cold, Porky Pig put on a pair of pants.

Muy malo
Due to swine flu, soccer games in Mexico will be played in empty stadiums this weekend; apparently the first symptom of swine flu is to turn everyone into an American sports fans.

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, the rest of the market is doing as badly as my investment in a Mexican pork rind company.

The first symptom of the swine flu? Asking the government for more bailout money.

The good news is we may have a cure for swine flu. The bad news? The antidote for the swine flu is you have to kiss Rush Limbaugh.

To give you an idea how bad things are in Mexico, Mexican officials are begging the drug gangs to only shoot people with the swine flu.

No bueno
Trouble in Mexico, the swine flu epidemic is spreading, the drug violence has escalated and Mexico City had an earthquake. If things get much worse, the US might start looking good to Mexican immigrants again.

Can't be a good sign
Are you tired of all those website ads asking you to take an IQ test? I finally gave up and clicked on an online IQ test. But I couldn’t figure out how to take the test. That can’t be good.

P-I-G
President Barack Obama shot hoops at the White House outdoor court with the champion Connecticut Women’s team. Barack won a game of P-I-G. But it wasn’t fair, Barack invoked the Dick Cheney rule: you have to make the last shot off of a lawyer’s face.

President Barack Obama shot hoops at the White House outdoor court with the champion Connecticut Women’s team. Barack won a game of P-I-G. but because the swine flu, they had to change the name of the game P.I.G. to Rush Limbaugh.

They got the hot mess all up their bidness, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good job Bengies
The NFL draft was this weekend and the Cincinnati Bengals did well. They got a first round scofflaw, two second round miscreants and a recidivist backslider to be named later.

Or as the Cincinnati Bengals call the draft: the pre-parole hearings.

Hack
With the new cigarette tax, a pack of smokes in New York costs $10; it is so expensive to smoke in New York now, in Times Square, the hookers are offering a $50 special that includes blowing smoke.

Chin music
Jay Leno is still a little steamed at the doctor. When Leno checked into the emergency room, the attending doctor asked; “So why the long face?”

Maybe it’s just me
15 corny paintings by Adolf Hitler sold at an auction. Maybe its just me, but somehow even a painting of a puppy chasing a butterfly loses its cuteness when it was painted by a guy who murdered 11 million people.

So sweet
Tennis star, Andy Roddick married swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. They met through their agent. But it’s more romantic. He dated her on Facebook where he upgraded her to a relationship, he tweeted that he loved her on Twitter, but he proposed the old fashioned way: E-mail.

Taking a cut
Andy Roddick married swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. They met through their agent. The big question is: does his agent get a percentage of the honeymoon take?

Not fair
President Barack Obama shot hoops at the White House outdoor court with the champion Connecticut Women’s team. Barack won a game of P-I-G. But it wasn’t fair, Barack invoked the Dick Cheney rule: you had to make the last shot off of a lawyer’s face.

Since you asked:
This will not apply to all the good and considerate drivers who read A little Bit Bad, but:

Attention Selfish, Inconsiderate Moron Drivers:

Could you maybe, just maybe, use your precious, precious time at a stop light to n0t Twitter, E-mail, Google and Text and maybe, just for fun, look up and see if the light has changed to green? It ain't my job to wait the requisite three seconds and then tap my horn so we don't miss the green just because you are a selfish idiot.

Whew, that feels better . . .

Lex and the Kaseinators getting all sparky and going viral, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No choice
A woman in England is allergic to water and can only take one shower a week for five minutes. The woman doesn’t have options, she has to come to New York and become a cab driver.

But she can be cured. All she has to do is become a French citizen.

A woman in England is allergic to water and can only take one shower a week for five minutes. Upon hearing this, the French said, “And zee point eez, what?”

My mistake
Former New York Knick coach, Isiah Thomas, has been hired as a coach by F.I.U. F.I.U. is Florida International University and not, as I had assumed, Fondling Interns Unabashedly.


Apropos of nada
A study claims that fat people are a big cause of global warming; apropos of nothing, has anyone heard anything from Al Gore lately?


A study claims that fat people are a big cause of global warming. Prior to this we just thought fat people were destroying airplane bathrooms, turns out they’re destroying the planet.

He’s hosed
The Somali pirate is on trial in New York for five counts including piracy, hijacking and kidnapping. Now the pirate is in even more trouble. Apparently Perez Hilton doesn’t like his opinion on gay marriage.

What’s in a name?
We are down to the final five on “American Idol” but have you noticed nobody knows their names? It’s bad when people have an easier time remembering the name Anoop than your name.

Who are you? Who, who, who?
We are down to the final five on “American Idol” but have you noticed nobody knows their names? It’s the pork pie hat guy, the pretty gay goth guy, the cute nice guy, the glasses guy and the red-headed young punk girl.