Friday, February 28, 2003

It's cool, we straight, it's all good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New meaning to pitcher
New York Yankees pitcher David Wells said he pitched his no-hitter half–drunk. Today the Chicago Cubs installed a beer tap in their Wrigley Field bullpen.

Now that's just wrong
Some ugly information is coming out during the Robert Blake preliminary hearing. You know when Blake took his wife out to dinner right before he shot her? He stuck her with the dinner tab.

How much did it rain?
It rained so much in Los Angeles this week, Robert Blake’s alibi isn’t the only thing that’s all wet.

And you don't have to pick up the tab
Have you heard about the hot new drink in L.A. bars? The Robert Blake. It consists of a couple of after dinner shots.

Available on "Hooked on Phonics”
Toni Smith, a women's college basketball player at Manhattanville College, has refused to face the American flag during the national anthem in protest her dislike of our government. Smith is writing a book about her experience; “An Idiots Guide to Fifteen Minutes of Fame.”

They could be worse
David Wells claims up to 40 percent of major leaguers use steroids and says amphetamines are readily available in baseball clubhouses. That means that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays would be even lousier if they weren’t jacked-up on drugs.

How cold was it?
It has been cold and rainy here in L.A. this week. Yesterday, I was shaking like I was having dinner with Robert Blake and we just finished dessert.

Keep it in your pants, Lance
Lance Armstrong is getting divorced. Rumor has it that, well, let’s just say somebody else has been shifting Lance’s gears. (Get the rim shots ready)

Yep, some other woman has been giving Lance the ol’ Tour de France, if you know what I mean.

Yep, some other little hottie has been pedaling down Lance’s Champs Elysees if you get my drift.

Yep, Lance has been coasting down some other woman’s Alps if you see what I’m sayin’.

When Lance said he’s been putting a lot of time in the saddle, it hasn’t all been on a bike, if you follow my meaning.

Show me the money
The NFL’s all time leading rusher Emmitt Smith has been released from the Dallas Cowboys. Emmitt said it was not about the money. Of course it’s not about the money. It’s about the respect, recognition and high esteem that comes from the money.

Tres bon bon
A U.N agency warned nearly one-third of all Europeans are obese because of fast-food consumption and sedentary lifestyles, and nations must encourage healthier habits. Except for the French, they are in pretty good shape from all of their retreating, arm raising and back peddling.

Sir Charles in charge
On TNT Charles Barkley said he uses the controversial weight loss drug ephedra. And apparently, not only is Charles healthy, but from looking at him it is clear the ephedra is working about as well as the Rogaine he is taking.

TNT announcer Charles Barkley once claimed he was misquoted in his own book. See that? You can’t ever trust the press, even when it’s yourself.

Finally, some sad news
We lost one of the good ones. Mr. Rogers passed away at age 74. Can you say crestfallen? Sure you can.

(Polite applause)

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

What up, B and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ils n'ont rien, oui?
Right now, because they are opposing the U.S. at the U.N. there is a lot of anti-French feeling in this country. I’d just like to remind everyone that without France, we couldn’t, uh, well, for example, without France there wouldn’t be, um . . . how about those Lakers?

Tyson Chicken
I know what to do about Iraq. Send Mike Tyson over there and tell him that Saddam Hussein tastes like chicken.

Should feel about the same
Lance Armstrong has separated from his wife. Lance has already had a testicle removed, so he should be prepared for the upcoming divorce settlement.

Repeat, is not
Michael Moore’s `Stupid White Men,'' was named Book of the Year at the British Book Awards. The book is a diatribe against President Bush and the conservative movement, “Stupid White Men” is not the name of the Augusta Golf Course membership registry.

Mike Tyson's facial tattoo was inspired by the Maori tribesmen to represent the warrior in him. Next Tyson will get a tattoo of the Planters Mr. Peanut logo on his face to represent the nut in him.

Sinking Clipper
Nike lost 33,000 basketball shoes as a result of a December spill from a container ship off Northern California. Most of the shoes should wash up on Alaskan shores. Except for the shoes that were going to the Los Angeles Clippers, they sank right away.

A classy Diddy
Sean ``P. Diddy'' Combs is opening a restaurant in Detroit. It’ll be a very classy place, before you can sit down you have to put your beeper and cell phone on vibrate and your guns on silencers.

Or Janet Reno
Did you see Harvey Firestein at the Grammys? He won the Most Closely Resembles a Clinton Ex-girlfriend award.

Sounds good over here
Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein says he would rather die than leave his country. That’ll work for us. Finally something we all can agree on.

One is loneliest number
According to a story in the L.A. Times, Robert Blake is lonely in prison. You know what you call someone who is lonely in prison? Out of cigarettes.

Robert Blake, star of the 1970s TV show ``Baretta,'' is getting his day in court in the preliminary hearing. Against his lawyers advice, Blake did a Barbara Walters interview. Asked if he would consider representing himself in court, Blake said; “I might take a shot at it.”

Show me the digits, Donald
There is a controversy as to whether actors should cash in on in their fame to air their political views. Some think it’s fine, others feel it is as unfair as if Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld used a press conference to audition for “Star Search”.

Out on a limb
There is a controversy raging now as to whether entertainers - or comedy writers – should, ethically, cash in on in their media access to air their personal views. Well, for me, it is simply that I feel so strongly about this issue that it would be immoral for me not to say something, and here it is: The Chicago Cubs’ Ron Santo belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Since you asked:
Let’s review. Which specific famous individuals who have been out spoken against any U.S. military action against Iraq? To name a few, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, the nation of France, Madonna and Barbra Striesand.

Political beliefs aside, if you are anything like me - and for your sake, I hope you are not - I don’t care what the issue is, if Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, the nation of France, Madonna and Barbra Striesand are all in agreement on anything, I am damn sure going to take the other side.

Or maybe we should all just wait to see what Britney Spears thinks we should do?

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Now why you got to be all that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

And the Grammy goes to . . .

The Foo Fighters won the Grammy for best hard rock album. France then protested this win saying they should have researched the Foo more before they fought it.

Did anyone see all of the Grammys? It was so long and boring that, near the end, Phil Spector shot himself.

Did you see that John Mayer won the Grammy for Best Male vocal? John Mayer is also living proof that, if he can sing sensitive love songs and play guitar, even a dork can get the girls.

Did you see Aretha Franklin at the Grammys? Apparently she decided to come dressed as Mount Everest.

The only political statement at the Grammys was by Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst who commented that our dislike of war is; “One thing we are all in agreeance on. ” Agreeance? Fred was immediately then awarded the uncovetedly; “Don King Made Up Word” award.

One thing we are in agreeance on is that celebrities, like Fred, who use words like agreeance shouldn’t offer their opinions publicly.
In agreeance? Isn’t that like being in concurment?

And the Greasy goes to . . .
Did you see that Evan and Zora were reunited on “Joe Millionaire”? Something sleazy about that guy; Can’t you just see Evan in a Members Only jacket reeking to high heaven of High Karate cologne disco'ing down?

Say what?
In the clubhouse following the Nissan Open, Tiger Woods saw the putter of his first Match Play Championship opponent Carl Petterson, and joked; “Should I break that?” Can you imagine if somebody else threatened to do that to Tiger’s putter? Phil Mickelson merely joked that Tiger’s clubs weren’t good, and the press practically run out of town like a common pygmy.

Nike would have taken out a contract on the guy’s life.

Since you asked
Regardless of where you stand on Iraq, there is nothing more condescending than people who disagree with someone but self-righteously add; “But I respect your right to express your opinion.” Gosh, thanks. Why not say what you’re really thinking? “I respect your right to be an utter and total moron.”

Hall of Shame
Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt attended a meeting between commissioner Bud Selig and Pete Rose, and speculated Rose could gain instatement soon. But so what? This can’t possibly make up for Rose’s crushing disappointment of not getting into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame.

In fact, I think the reason Cooperstown is finally going to admit Pete Rose is because he was turned down by the Canadian baseball Hall of Fame.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time
According to a story in today’s L.A. Times, Robert Blake is lonely in prison. Gee, it’s too bad his wife can’t visit him and keep him company.

Do you know the only thing that is worse than being lonely in prison? Being popular in prison.

Does a bear do it in the woods?
The Match Play Championship begins tomorrow. This tournament is golf’s version of the proverbial two guys running from a bear. The one guy says; “We can’t outrun a bear.” The other guy replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”

Yeah, that will work
I have a solution to a lot of our problems with the U.N. We should encourage Iraq to invade France. Think about it. It will keep Saddam busy and out of trouble; it will teach the French a little U.S. appreciation. And the rudeness and hygiene level in Paris will stay just about the same.

Will Louis Farrakan speak at this one?
On February 26th, anti-war celebrity protestors are organizing a million modem march. This is where they want people to fax their congressman with their protests. Already the protestors are complaining; “Do we have to fax? That’s too much work. Couldn’t we just e-mail them?”

And what could be possibly a more effective message than a fax sent by a movie star’s personal assistant?

These protestors aren’t kidding around. If congress doesn’t respond to their faxes, they will have no choice but to threaten the legislators with creating an Anti-War Chat Room.

Get one of those translatoring guys. Or Fred Durst
Saddam Hussein has challenged George W. Bush to a debate. That is problematic because he doesn’t speak English. And Saddam only speaks Arabic.

Seriously, it was really cold
The trial has begun of Tim Hurlburt, the guy who ran on the ice at a Calgary Flames game naked, slipped and was knocked unconscious. Hurlbutts’ attorneys plan to use a version of the famous Twinky junk food defense. It’s called the Lablatt beer defense.
The guy will plead innocent and shrinkage.

How bad are they?
The Los Angeles Clippers visit the Los Angeles Lakers at the Staples center. That’s how bad the Clippers are; they play a team on their own court and they still aren’t considered the home team.

Tres bon
Mike Tyson flattened Clifford Etienne just 49 seconds into the fight. It turns out, Etienne didn’t fight Tyson at all. Etienne’s name is French, so he wanted to see more evidence before he fought. As a result of his courageous 49 second struggle, today Etienne was appointed France’s secretary of defense.

We are screwed, guys
*Lance Armstrong has separated from his wife. I am shocked. The guy can pedal up a mountain for five hours, you’d think if anyone was prepared for marriage it would be him. What does that say when a guy who can pedal up the Alps all day for two weeks straight can’t endure being married?

What are the chances?
There was violence, injuries and arrests outside of Times Square when MTV held an “American Idol” style open Rap tryout. What a shock. That’s like hosting a basketball game and being surprised when somebody sweats.

What do the rest of you guys think?
Do you know why Mike Tyson only has a tattoo on one side of his face? One of Mike’s voices in his head didn’t want any tattoos on his face at all, so Mike had to compromise.

Monday, February 24, 2003

My ass must be crazy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Eat Fresh
It was a little confusing this weekend in motor racing when Dale Jarrett won this weekend. See, Jarrett won the Subway 400. Jared is the guy who weighed 400 before eating Subways.

That will leave a mark
Mike Tyson flattened Clifford Etienne just 49 seconds into the fight with a savage right hand. The fight took less time than it does to say; “What the hell is that on Mike Tyson’s face?”
Mike Tyson flattened Clifford Etienne just 49 seconds into the fight. Is anyone surprised by this? Etienne’s name is French, of course he can’t fight.

Etienne lost the fight so quickly he was named an honorary citizen of France.

Now that is some scoring
Kobe Bryant reached 40 points for the ninth straight game in the Los Angeles Lakers' 106-101 victory over Seattle. This guy is scoring easier than an invading army in Paris.

Mood Music
Norah Jones earned five Grammys, including album and record of the year, and her disc was responsible for eight trophies overall. It also won the Barry White Music to Get Lucky award.

The Whore on the Floor
Tonya Harding lost her pro boxing debut. It wasn’t fair. In between rounds, Tonya’s opponent’s manager had a guy whisper to Tonya the sexy words “Double Wide Trailer” and “New Pickup Mudflaps.” That immediately puts Tonya flat on her back.
It was a bad night for Tonya. Not only did she lose, but one punch crushed her box of Marlboros in her T-shirt pocket.

She really isn't that innocent
Britney Spears is fuming over a Star magazine story that says she has uses cocaine. Is anyone shocked by cocaine in the music industry? These people put the Gram in the Grammys.

Did anyone see Britney at the Grammys? That’s because she was in the bathroom the whole time powdering her nose.

Let’s Just Say That Even Urkel Passed on this one
How many have been watching this stupid "I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” show? Or as it will soon be known, “My Agent Is So Fired.”

Speaking of gas
At the Grammys, Sherryl Crowe refrained from re-stating her oft-quoted opposition to the war in Iraq due to, in Sherryl’s opinion, our greedy need for oil. Sherryl’s crew then loaded her gear into ten 18-wheeler semi-trucks, gassed up her limo, fueled her jet plane, and took off for Europe.