Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Calling all Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dionne Warwick was arrested at the Miami airport for possession of eleven marijuana joints. You’d think her Psychic Friends would have given her a heads-up. Eleven joints? You don’t need to be a member of the Psychic Friend’s Network to know there were some Cheetos and Pizza in Dionne’s future. No wonder she didn’t know the way to San Jose, she’s too stoned.

President Jimmy Carter is on a diplomatic trip to Cuba. In fact, this is the most Cubans around an American president since Monica dropped the cigar box under Bill’s desk.

Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones will open this weekend. For those it may concern, there will be a noticeably shortage of nerds Friday through Sunday. Have your computer and accounting needs addressed before the weekend.

Former Chicago Bear and morbidly obese William "The Refridgerator" Perry, will fight morbidly skinny former NBA star 7ft7 200 lb Manute Bol on Fox’s celebrity boxing. That won’t look like a fight, but more like a bowling ball trying to pick up the spare.

Joey Buttafuco is set to fight John Wayne Bobbit on Fox’s celebrity boxing. Bobbitt says he is quite the boxer. At least I think that’s what he meant when he said that, since the penis re-attachment surgery, he has a real nasty hook.

Darva Conger will fight former Olympic gymnast Olga Corbett in Fox’s celebrity boxing. Las Vegas has Corbett as a two to one winner. I look forward to the hundreds of press conferences after the fight where Darva Conger repeatedly announces she wants to be left alone.

Hope everyone had a good Mother’s Day. Or as Mother’s Day is otherwise known; “Dads doing a lot of stuff they don’t want to do” day.

Have you noticed that on Mother’s day, Mom wants to go to church, have a fancy lunch, shop for antiques, go to the art gallery opening and then attend the opera? What does Dad want to do on Father’s Day? Watch a game, scratch himself and then take a nap.

Do you know what my Mom always wanted on Mother’s day? She only wanted to know that my Father couldn’t do anything he wanted to do. That’s all she wanted.

Hannibal Lecter, Sir Anthony Hopkins, is ending his 29-year marriage, a London court confirmed. The marriage ended abruptly when Sir Anthony gave his wife a Dust buster for Mother’s Day.

Pepsi has announced they will introduce a new blue soft drink. In a related story, Tidy Bowl will unveil a new Pepsi-colored toilet cleaner. Coca Cola has unveiled Vanilla Coke. Thankfully you don’t have to serve it over Vanilla Ice.

Bose Labs says it has recorded the lowest decibel sound ever made. It’s Robert Blake’s attorney practicing his opening arguments.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the San Antonio Spurs to lead 3 to 1.Did you see Shaquille O’Neil? Bad ankles, banged finger, arthritic toe. Shaq is more banged-up than Madonna’s headboard.I don’t want to imply that the San Antonio Spurs are out of it, but right now the Los Angeles Lakers are up 3 to 1 and the Spurs sweatin’ like a priest on a lie detector.

German archaeologists have found a 2,600-year-old statue of a man called ``kouros'.' Kouros is an ancient Greek word meaning Dick Clark. The Statue was originally commissioned to mark the first tour by the Rolling Stones. It bares an uncanny resemblance to Mick Jagger.

Jimmy Carter will travel to Cuba after the U.S. charged that Cuba was developing biological weapons and had shared technology with enemies of the United States. It seems Carter is going to build Castro an alibi.

The Milwaukee Brewers were 0-14 on the road, they came to Chicago and swept the Cubs. The sign at O’Hare airport should read: Welcome to Chicago, where Major league baseball losing streaks come to die.

Sea World in San Diego has a baby killer whale born through artificial insemination. So far they don’t have a name yet, but they are considering naming it after the father, David Crosby.

Jimmy Carter visited what was supposed to be a major biotechnology lab in Cuba today with Fidel Castro. Turns out the lab is just a broken refrigerator with mold growing on a leftover Chile Relleno.