Thursday, April 01, 2004

No frontin'. We straight up wit' da' Mojo up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Breaking Martha news
*This just in: They have found new information that would both exonerate Martha Stewart as well as declare her trial a mistrial. April fools, Martha, just kidding, no, you're still going to the slammer.

What a shame

*Did you know that, this year, Arnold Schwarzenegger took a course on sexual harassment? Arnold was very disappointed, though. Turns out the class was about how to prevent sexual harassment.

A breed apart
*A survey says people really do tend to look like their dogs. If that's true than Richard Simmons must have a poodle/pitt bull mix. A Pitt Poodle.

Uh oh
*Pudgy exercise guru Richard Simmons was charged with slapping a man at the Phoenix airport who made fun of Simmons. Uh no, I just called Richard Simmons a pudgy exercise guru, he's gonna beat the crap out of me.

Not a good sign
*Construction for the Athens Olympics is lagging way behind for completion in time for the games. It's not looking good. Construction on the Parthenon began in 440 B.C. and they still haven't finished the roof.

How trimmed is it?
*Athens has already exceeded its Olympic budget of $7.5 billion and more projects could be trimmed to reduce spending. How much has to be trimmed? Let's put it this way: The sprinters will be competing in the 78 and 1/2 meters.

Instead of providing a landing pit, the pole vaulters will be asked to wear a mattress strapped to their backs.

Do our part
Can you believe the price of gas? We need to do something. Let's start a rumor that Venezuela is hiding weapons of mass destruction.

This is how expensive gas is: When she heard I filled up my tank, Anna Nicole Smith proposed.

Side of Rice
More trouble for Condoleezza Rice. Today the Senate commision determined that, among other things, Condoleezza Rice violates the Atkins diet.

You know, it's interesting, but in Italy, if you rent a Condo and you violate your Condoleezza, you forfeit your deposit. It's gone. Forget it.

Size 12, coming up
*Did you know that in Iraq, hitting someone with a shoe is the ultimate insult? Why do I suddenly think that there is a big ol' dirty Army boot in Saddam Hussein's immediate future?

Since you asked:

If I may, Slats and Nugs, I would like to quote the title song from "A Mighty Wind"

There's a mighty wind a blowin,' 'cross the land and sea, it's blowin' peace and freedom, it's blowin' you and me.

How true . . . how true . . . how . . . true. (Polite Applause)

"A Mighty Wind" is funny. It's not as good as "Best in Show" but it is funny. As with "Best in Show" and "Spinal Tap" there is just something patently funny about good actors who can portray characters that take themselves way too seriously.

The folk singers in "A Mighty Wind" are so corny, earnest and self-righteous, for everyone who plays in a band, it should be a study on what not to do. It is a real talent for an actor to portray someone who takes themselves far too seriously. They have to be in on the joke but they also have to make it believable. Parker Posey's range from her characters in "Best in Show" and "A Mighty Wind" is impressive. Frigid Yuppie Snotty rhymes-with-witch, to incredibly perky and hammy folk singer. Nice.

And, once again, Fred Willard steals the movie. "Wha' happen'?"

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Hoooww. Jump back, kiss myself. Haaa, ahoowe, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that is embarrassing
*Arizona police charged Richard Simmons with slapping a man who made fun of one of his exercise videos. How would you like to be remembered as the guy who got bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons? I would rather lose to Jessica Simpson in "Jeopardy."

How fast is it?
*NASA has developed the world’s fastest jet that goes 5000 mph, that’s over seven times the speed of sound. That means that when the flight attendant hits your knee with the beverage cart, you won't hear your own scream until well after you land.

Get over yourself, Rover
*A new study reveals that dogs really do look like their owners. This is bad news for Rosie O'Donnell's dog.

Does that mean that John Kerry has a basset hound?

The energizer candidate
*Bless his heart, Dennis Kucinich is still running for president. I don't want to say it's not going well, but at his last campaign rally, Kucinich was lonelier than a potato at an Atkins diet convention.

*President Bush has reversed his position and will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify. Bush flipped his position so fast even John Kerry was impressed.

Oh, that?
*According to reviews of her concerts, Britney Spears performs impressive dance routines, she has dozens of elaborate costume changes, her sets are amazing; in fact Britney's concerts lack in only one minor technical detail: She can't sing.

Should have seen this coming
*A strike by two million Greek workers seriously threatens construction for the Athens Olympics. It's looking more and more like the Olympic flame lighting ceremony will be performed by a worker with a welding torch.

Why is this a shock? The Greeks started construction on the Parthenon in 447 B.C. and they still don't have a roof on the thing.

I don't know why this is a shock to everyone. The Greeks still haven't finished construction on the 1896 Olympic games.

How bad is it? If the Greeks want the athlete's housing finished for the Olympics, they will have to call in Jimmy Carter's Habitat for Humanity.

That and a cigar
*At the 9-11 hearings, Clinton Defense Secretary William Cohen testified that Bill Clinton had three chances to kill bin Laden with cruse missiles but didn’t pull the trigger. In retrospect, all they had to do to get Clinton to pull the trigger was have an intern talk dirty to him.

Space tourist
*New Yorker Gregory Olsen will pay $26 million for a trip to the International Space Station to become the third space tourist. $26 million. But his grandson will get a "My Grandfather paid $26 million to go to space and all I got was this t-shirt" out of the deal.

If he is a space tourist that must mean the International Space Station has a gift shop. "Yeah, how much for that Mars snow globe?"

But there's no curse
*Chicago Cubs ace Mark Prior will miss the first month of the season due to a sore Achilles' tendon. The worst part is how Prior got hurt. He tripped over foul ball flubber Steve Bartman.

Consiga sobre se, persona Jose (Get over yourself, person Jose)
*In Mexico they are starting a gay soccer league. It's just like regular soccer except in Mexican gay soccer, it's a penalty if they don't use their hands.

It's like regular soccer except when, after they score, instead of their shirts, they yank off their pants.

These are guys who really know how to score with a header.

In gay soccer they don't hand out yellow cards, they hand out wheat-harvest cadmium-gold cards.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Now that's what I'm talkin' about up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sweatin' to the charges
*Police in Arizona have charged Richard Simmons after a man made fun of one of his exercise videos and, to quote Richard, he bitch-slapped the guy. Man, how gay are you if you're Richard Simmons' bitch?

After he slapped a man who made fun of him, police charged Richard Simmons with assault and for creating an eye-sore with those nasty red-striped shorty shorts.

"So (snicker) tell us again how you (snicker) got that black eye at the airport?" (Guffaw)

That's a lot of people
*The Statue of Liberty is going to open up and allow visitors inside. This is a popular move. In fact, this year alone, the Statue of Liberty will have more people inside of her than Paris Hilton.

Trump, the T is silent
*Have you heard about Donald Trump's new book "How to Get Rich?" One of the tips is: Ask Paris Hilton to break a twenty into five fives. Repeat one million times.

One of the tips in Donald Trump's "How to Get Rich" book is: "The three most important things in real estate are: Trump, Trump and Trump."

There are some good insights in the Donald Trump book "How to Get Rich." Did you know that Trump says the three most important things in real estate are location, location . . . oh, shoot, what's that third thing again?

Steve Bartman dating tips
*In a survey of more than 8,500 single people by the "It's Just Lunch" dating service, 84 percent of men said if they caught a baseball in the stands, they would give it to their date. Especially if they are in Chicago and it ruined a key Cubs playoff out. "She did it."

That would do it
*Braves outfielder Chipper Jones tells GQ magazine; "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't experimented with certain supplements, but all they do is give me tremendous gas." This also explains why they moved Chipper from short stop to the outfield.

Match made in heaven
*And it looks like Saddam Hussein may have a lawyer. And surprise, surprise, he’s French. A French lawyer? This would make Saddam Hussein the second biggest jerk in the courtroom.

Here's Saddam's lawyers catch phrase: If his beard had a nit, you must acquit.

This is a tough one, do you hate this guy because he's French, because he's working for Saddam or because he's a lawyer? That's the ultimate schmuck trifecta.

Trump card
*Donald Trump want to copyright the phrase "You're fired." And Paris Hilton wants to copyright the phrase: "Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes."

Not impressive
*McDonald's is going to take credit cards. How would you like to be on a date and have McDonald's reject your credit card? "I'm sorry, Sir, we don't accept Home Depot."

Now that's fast
*NASA has developed the world’s fastest jet that goes 5000 mph, that’s over seven times the speed of sound. In fact, this jet is so fast it actually scares the pilots sober.

Again with this guy?
*Researchers say they have successfully used stem cell implants to grow hair on bald mice. What a relief, there is nothing more irritating than a rodent with a bad combover. Just look at Donald Trump.

Time flies, OJ walks
*This June 12th will mark the tenth anniversary of the Nicole Brown, Ronald Goldman murders. Nine years ago, who would have imagined that O.J. would be free and Martha Stewart would be going to the can?

Monday, March 29, 2004

Time to get our joke on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Erin go smokeless
Ireland has banned smoking in their pubs. No smoking in Irish pubs. The Irish felt the cigarettes were having an adverse effect on the overall quality of the drunken brawls.

Final four
Of the teams in the NCAA final four, Duke provokes the most emotion. Hoop fans either love or hate Duke. Duke detractors see the exclusive school as pompous and smug. When asked to comment; a Duke student replied; "I shan't dignify that falderal with my ever brilliant wit."

Of the teams in the final four, many consider the University of Connecticut the toughest. Well, of course they're the toughest, they're from Connecticut, any team that can withstand that many insurance salesmen has to be tough.

Saw this one coming all the way down the lane
In New York a man was charged with trying to kill two policeman with a bowling ball. It's part of the three strikes and you're out law.

The man is going to throw himself on the mercy of the court to spare him.

Line please
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have broken up. Now that they are both available, Tom and Penelope are using the exact same lame pick-up line: "Hi there, wanna go on a cruise?"

Trump rhymes with hump
Donald Trump has a book out "How to Get Rich." You want to get rich? For one thing, don't waste money on worthless books written by egomaniacs with freaky hair.

You know what my main problem is with "The Apprentice?" That annoying little hand gesture Trump uses when he cans a contestant. You have to know Trump practices that over and over in the mirror when they are re-wrapping his combover.

When I look at Trump's combover, it reminds me of one of those maze puzzles; You can see where it starts, you just can't figure out where it ends.

Have you heard about Donald Trump's new book "How to Get Rich?" One of the tips is: Ask Paris Hilton to break a twenty into five fives. Repeat one million times.