Joe Biden has announced he will not seek election in 2016. Asked to comment, Hillary Clinton said; “Oh, that’s too (chortle) bad. Joe would have added (choke) great substance and perspective to (snort) the tone and narrative of this campaign.” (Guffaw)
The trailer for the new “Star Wars” movie debuted on “Monday Night Football.” The Star Wars fans looked at the football players and asked; “Why are they dressed like Zobort Commandos from the planet Mynarf?”
Jeb Bush’s campaign is running a contest where the winner gets to meet Jeb, his brother and his father. They might want to re-think the contest name, though: “Bush Fest 2015.”
Happy 35th birthday, Kim Kardashian yesterday. Kim is at that awkward age, too old to start a career she doesn’t want and too stupid to write her memoirs.
Buffalo Bills wide receiver, Percy Harvins, will not travel to London to play the Jacksonville Jaguars for undisclosed personal reasons. Harvins would not elaborate other than to say he finds those Brit wankers to be dodgy and he hopes they que-up to sod off.
Next season will be the 14th and last season of “Myth Busters.” Finally they will solve the three greatest mysteries: Trump’s hair, Hillary’s laugh and Bill Cosby’s marriage.
Joe Biden announced he will not run in 2016. Hillary Clinton declined to comment as she was engaged in a prolonged aerobic dance that is in no way connected to Joe Biden’s statement.
Hillary is so ecstatic there is an outside possibility Bill might get laid.
The ratings for Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait” are bad. The “E” producers are desperate. “Malibu car crash? Check. Kris Jenner divorce? Check. Sex change announcement? Check. Cait, baby, three words: Punch the Pope. Just think about it.”
I don't want to say the producers of "I Am Cait" are desperate, but there is a rumor they are going to leak a video of Caitlyn stealing a piece of pizza from a subway rat.
Since you asked:
One of the countless reasons I miss my mom is I really loved her opinion on politics. Yes, she was a life long Kennedy democrat, but she was mostly smart and wildly great judge of character. For example, mom had to be sold on Bill Clinton by a fellow democrat she admired because he was their only chance. My mother did not like Bill Clinton’s character at all.
This was long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
Would love to know what my mom thinks about Hillary Clinton. My feeling is she would not like her. But she would vote for her.
Like me, my mother would believe we need a woman president, just not necessarily that woman. My mother did not like women who were vicious to other women to get what they wanted.
But my mother was practical enough to consider voting for Hillary if it kept somebody like Donald Trump out of the office.
Amy Schumer is getting some strong doses on the upside and downside of fame. On the one hand, the movie she was paid $300,000 to star in, “Trainwreck” made $138 million and she is being paid $8 million to star in the sequel.
On the other hand, the paparazzi hyenas were drooling for her at the airport to nail her about allegedly stealing jokes from a dead, black comedian, Patrice O’Neal which I believe she did not. The bits are well-worn standards about iconic sex act joke names. That is like a black comedian being told he stole jokes from Richard Pryor because he used the N-word.
Now the Wendy Liebman joke about being old fashioned about men on the first date paying . . . for sex?
That’s a horse of a different color.
*Why do famous comedians steal jokes? Because they can.