Friday, September 10, 2010

Whoo, doggies, I just did the do to the do 'till it was did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Feel so good I could swear I was chewing on some of Paris Hilton's gum.

Good news, that whacko Terry Jones isn't going to burn the Korans, he found a much smarter and practical means of protest: he is going to bust up DVD's of Disney's "Aladdin."

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Here is A.C.'s newest buddy, Molly, a friend's new pupsters

We gonna bring the ruckus all up in this here fracas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This weekend was Philadelphia’s “Naked Bicycle Ride” day. That makes this “Don’t buy a used bike in Philadelphia" week.

After her cocaine arrest, Paris Hilton has been banned-for-life from the Wynn Casinos in Las Vegas. I once saw a drunk throw up on a crowded craps table and then he soiled his pants. He wasn’t banned from the casino for life.

The NFL record for most seasons played is 26 by George Blanda. Do you realize what this means? Brett Favre could retire and comeback at least seven more times.

In Miami, a scientist flying from Saudi Arabia, Thomas Butler, was detained when they found a bomb-like device in his bag. Be honest, how many were surprised by a Saudi suspected with a bomb named Thomas Butler? That’s like al Qaeda’s second in command named Carl Peabody.

There is a clip of an Iowa football player on his scooter who gets hit head-on by a truck, he flips through the air and lands in the street and he was fine. And yet whimpy baseball players, Sammy Sosa and Mat Latos, each went on the 15-day disabled list after they hurt themselves sneezing.

Folks, there are three life rules you never break: don’t ride a scooter without a helmet, do not eat sushi in Mexico and don’t sit down in a bathroom until you see the toilet paper.

Last week after getting out of rehab, Lindsay Lohan bumped her Maserati into a baby stroller. Nobody got hurt, but are Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton in some sort of biggest A-hole contest we don’t know about? What does the winner get, the Andy Dick award?

There is a clip of an Iowa football player on his scooter who gets hit head-on by a truck, he flips through the air and lands in the street on his back and he was fine. And yet whimpy baseball infielder, Chris Brown, once missed a game because he “slept on his eye funny.”

The winner of the Texas State fair food contest was Fried Beer. A pretzel filled with beer and then deep-fried. How fat and lazy have we become when we can’t go to the trouble of drinking a beer and eating a pretzel?

Since you asked:

Revived a great recipe the other nicht. Marinate a nice top sirloin in red wine, splash of soy sauce, dollop of ketchup and Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder, pepper. The longer it marinates the better, but at least a good hour at room temperature in a sealed-airless zip bag.

Before grilling apply rub of garlic powder, fresh pepper and sea salt. Grill with wood smoke old school searing it first on both sides and then placing it over medium heat (Careful to cross the grill marks) About 10 to 12 minutes total

In a sauce pan, simmer-down the wine marinade until less than half of the original so it is fairly thick. After letting the meat rest, slice thinly on a bias, and serve slathered with the reduction sauce with baked potatoes and a light salad. “Bam” the meat and potatoes with chopped parsley.

Tasty, tasty, tasty.

Apropos of nada squatta, what the hell has happened to HBO's "Entourage"? Talk about a show with a terminal case of "Taking-itself-too-seriously-itis." The show's stars have gotten too famous making their characters a joke inside a joke of a smug joke.

What happened to the shows where Ari (Jeremy Piven) loads up on Viagra to have a nooner with his wildly hot wife and she shines him on? As she leaves the bedroom, he sits on the bed and shouts after her:

"Oh, come on, honey, I'm like R. Kelley at recess over here."

So wrong. So damn funny.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

* Lex's story of this picture

How you likin’ on me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A fight broke out in the stands at the US Open. Well, tennis is such a genteel sport, it wasn’t really a fight, but one fellow pointedly derided another for wearing white after Labor Day.

The NFL record for most seasons played is 26 by George Blanda. Do you realize what this means? Brett Favre could retire and comeback at least seven more times.

The San Diego Padres lost ten in a row and yet they’re still in first place. No matter how much they screw up, they’re still on top, they are the Charlie Sheen of baseball.

The San Diego Padres have lost ten games in a row. An unwritten rule in baseball is players break slumps by sleeping with an unattractive woman, or slump-buster. That’s the Padres’ problem, there are no unattractive women in San Diego. They need a road trip to the New York Mets.

Pittsburgh Steeler, Ben Roethlisberger, had his suspension cut two games from six to four; this information threw off Fantasy Football leagues. In fact, Fantasy Football players haven’t been this upset since Klingon was not deemed an official language by the UN.

The San Diego Padres have lost ten games in a row. The situation is so desperate one of the Padres blamed their problem on the black Chanel purse they borrowed from their girlfriend.

Paris Hilton has been banned from the Wynn Hotels and Casinos in Las Vegas. Hookers, pimps, alcoholics, drug-dealers, bookies and degenerate gamblers are welcomed, but not Paris Hilton.

Since you asked:

*This picture of the Eagles, which appeared in "Rolling Stone" magazine circa 1974, epitomized to me the fact that my life was going to suck unless I got my sorry ass out to California.

In reading Don Felder's Eagle (standing in back, blue shirt, blonde hair and beard) biography "Heaven and Hell" thirty five years later, guess where the picture was taken? Off Lake Shore drive in Chicago.

As a kid growing up outside Chicago, I was always fascinated, as were many people, with all things California. First of all, we knew Disneyland was there, so clearly it was some magical combination of Switzerland and Hawaii. (Anaheim didn’t quite live up to that)

All cool cereal commercials on the Saturday morning cartoons were filmed in California so that meant all California kids surfed and skateboarded all day. Then I found out my favorite thing in the world, “Daniel Boone” was filmed in California.

Around this time, "Life" magazine featured a picture of a tan and beautiful couple skiing in their swimsuits in Lake Tahoe, California. This almost ripped my brain in two. That can't be possible. Skiing is done in the dead of winter under the constant threat of frostbite. Bikinis are only worn on hot July and August days. How can the two be combined? One word: Magic. Adding another word: California.

See where I'm going with this?

But the most pivotal moment was on a bleak, dark snowy New Year’s Day night, on ABC, I saw OJ Simpson prancing around Ohio State players in the 1969 Rose Bowl in warm weather with beautiful short-skirted cheerleaders fawning all over him. At the exact moment, our house was like the scary frozen house in the Ural Mountains in “Dr. Zhivago” complete with wolves howling outside in the cruel wind.

Like it was yesterday, I remember I thought:

I want to be there. Not here. There.

The real deal-sealer for me was later that spring, during a beautiful afternoon track meet again on ABC's “Wide World of Sports” at UCLA’s Drake Stadium. Olympic champs Bob Seagren won the pole vault, Lee Evans won the 400 Meters and Bob Beamon won the long jump.

One of my true loves were those rare summer evenings in the suburbs of Chicago when friends came over for a cocktail party in our backyard and, as the sun set, my dad fired up the barbeque. We would have maybe two or three of these parties a summer/year, usually Memorial day, the Fourth of July and Labor day.

Low and behold - or is below and hold? - on ABC coverage they showed there was a sunset barbeque party on the infield following the UCLA track meet. Kids frolicked in the steeple chase water pools, volley balls abounded, Weber grills smoked and steaks sizzled and tall glasses clinked. That was it, I was sold. They had track meets with summer barbeques every day in California? It was heaven and I was going to live there.

Then, a few years later, I saw an article about Sam Adams in "Track and Field News" coaching decathletes on the beach in Santa Barbara and hosting parties and barbeque's and talent shows following decathlons (Yes, barbecues are a constant theme) That settled it once and for all, now I had a specific address: I was moving to Santa Barbara.

And a few years later, this picture of the Eagles came out (maybe it was just me, but I bet there was someone grilling steaks just aft of this picture) and it just rubbed the whole California concept in down way deep. Hell, they even made wine in California.

Good thing I didn’t know that picture was taken about twenty minutes north off Belmont Harbor.

So, in summary, when I moved out to California I expected each day to be either a track meet or a beach day or to go skiing in shorts, all with beautiful women, to be followed by a barbecue party all of it filmed back to Chicago live on ABC.

Hmm, not quite, but I am not complaining.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Hopefully this picture will balance even with the joke at the bottom of this update

We’re gonna need a bigger boat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the two-year-old chubby Indonesian baby who was smoking 40 cigarettes a day? Good news, he quit smoking. Now if they could only wean him off loose women and gin.

Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, “The Barbie”. Of course, that’s like New York bragging they’ve captured one of its biggest rats.

“The Barbie.” He has a reputation for being a vicious killer, but so far in captivity, “The Barbie” has been a real doll.

School has started. Across the country, women high school teachers are correcting their male pupils that their note; “You’re the teacher I want to have sex with” should not end in a preposition. It should be “You are the teacher with whom I want to have sex.”

New York has approved the sale of Kangaroo meat by restaurants; the tricky part about ordering Kangaroo meat? It keeps hopping off the plate.

A study claims heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers; that’s because the heavy drinkers bore the non-drinkers to death by repeating the same stories.

The beautiful tall ships have arrived in San Diego Bay during the Festival of Sail. It was great except for one San Diego ship called The Padres. It sailed in first, but now it’s sinking.

The first place San Diego Padres have lost ten games in a row. It is so bad the Padres are asking to be included with the Dodgers in the McCourt divorce trial.

The first place San Diego Padres have lost ten games in a row. How fitting is it the Padres play at Petco Park? Because they sure are dogging it.

Remember how Paris Hilton claimed she borrowed the black Chanel purse the Las Vegas police found cocaine in? Turns out Paris posted a picture of the same purse on twitter over a month ago while bragging about it. You know, I’m really starting to warm up to this whole twitter thing.

A study claims heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers; well sure, that’s because time stands still when you’re hung-over.

Since you asked:

Well, I had a chance to talk to Cletis “T-Bone” Terhune regarding my fantasy draft.

Three keepers allowed me to lock down QB and two receivers with P. Manning, Roddy White and Steve Smith, the Giants. Got the Cards Beanie Wells, and Giants Jacobs at RB. Plus I am backing them up with some serious sleepers, Michael Bush, Oakland, and Toby Gerhart, Minnesota. Kicker is local boy Nate Kaeding. Got Chicago’s own Devon’s, Hester and Aromushodu, backing up WR with local 3-game suspended Vincent Jackson in there for fun. 

Ol’ Cletis “T-Bone” Terhune thinks I should go deep in the playoffs if I catch some luck. But, keep in mind, Cletis "T-Bone" Terhune is the guy who thinks the three greatest things are dropping a deuce followed by self love and a siesta, or as he call it, the holy triumvirate: a crap, a snap and a nap.

Which reminds me of another crusty dude.

Four old guys interviewing for the greeter job at Wal Mart.

Interviewer says;

“All of you are qualified, so I am going to ask you a question, whoever gives the best answer gets the greeter job. Ready? What is the fastest thing there is?”

First old guy says;

“A thought. When you think.”

“Good one,” said the interviewer.

“How about the blink of an eye?”said the second old guy.

“Nah,” said the third, “The fastest thing is when you turn on a light.”

Not sure how anyone can beat the speed of light, the interviewer turns to the fourth old guy and asks him what he thinks the fastest thing is:


Confused, the interviewer asks him to explain.

“Well, the other day, when I went to go to the bathroom, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had crap in my pants.”

Fourth old guy got the job.

(Quick, go look at the cute girl and puppy sharing an ice cream and you should be OK)

Monday, September 06, 2010

In the words of the great G-Willy Volkprude: Goodbye, Summwhore, hello Fallprude.

This just in:

San Diego Padres blame their ten-game slide on the black Chanel purse they borrowed from their girlfriend.