Friday, November 12, 2010

We all retro with our hetro up in this metro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2 million dollar bra that is encrusted with diamonds, topaz and sapphires. Personally, I just couldn’t get excited about any underwear described as encrusted.

According to a new poll, New York City gets low marks for friendliness; even the Times Square hookers charge an extra $100 just for a modicum of sarcastic geniality.

The latest annoying trend in parenting is giving kids non-gender-specific, unusual names like Kason, Braylon, Zane and Ware. Why not just name your kid: My- Parents-are-Pretentious-Jack Wagons?

Seriously, parents, if you name your boy Tarlence, just go ahead and buy him a turtle and find a therapist well-versed in helping bullied kids.

“Sports Illustrated” revealed the New York Jets have begun fining QB Mark Sanchez every time he exhibits poor body language during practice. Somewhere in football heaven, Johnny Unitas just threw up in his mouth.

Charlie Sheen told “Extra” that his naked hotel suite thrashing with a porn star was just a bad night. And here I thought a bad night was when your wife turns off the game and says; “Why don’t we talk for a change?”

A new study reveals 1-10 kids have ADHD. Personally, I think that ratio is way higher with comedy writers because, wow, oh look, a puppy. What was I talking about?

A woman in New Jersey would slam on her brakes on the highway and then call police and report the driver in back of her for tailgating and harassing her. She did this 22 times and was finally arrested. Or as we drivers in Los Angeles call that: not getting shot at.

A Pennsylvania man faces drug charges after he lit a joint in the hospital waiting room while his wife was delivering their baby; in his defense it was medical marijuana. He got it to combat his terminal case of stupidity.

The cruise ship, Carnival Splendor, had to be towed into San Diego. It is an incredibly huge and expensive monstrosity that lost all power and was rendered utterly useless. So today they renamed it the Dallas Cowboys.

A sex shop in Alabama features a drive-through window. This is perfect for the busy person who needs their dildo to go. Just be sure to ask them to supersize it.

Apple has opened a store in China. These are the first computers to be made by children out of lead and powered by burning coal.

Since you asked:

So this morning, fresh after the second night of watching “Stand Up Surfing Hawaiian Style, Vol. 2, Advanced” I was all fired up to go surfing. Get up early, put on my surfing shorts then I go to make coffee and the cold water hits my hand from the sink. Suddenly I realize, A, how cold it is in the house, B, how much colder it is outside, C, how cold I am and, D, how cold the water is going to be. At the same time it hits me how warm and soft my blankets on my bed are.

Think we all know what happened next.

That is quite a transition from intending to plunge headlong into dark, cold, shark-and-other-harmful-critters-inhabited waters with powerful loud waves crashing over rocks and reefs, to weaseling back into a nice cozy bed for a tasty snooze.

Last nicht, I snuck out to catch the Ravens/Falcons game at a bar because our cable company doesn’t get the NFL channel. Ended up at the hip “Skybar-wannabe” bar, Arterra, at the Del Mar Marriot. After perusing the bar fare menu, I asked the bartender what was best. He glowed about the steak salad. That didn’t sound great to me. My brain pictured scraps of over-done meat hidden in a pile of romaine lettuce. But he was a nice guy, so I ordered it.

Oh my word. Out comes a plate with the prettiest row of ¼ inch slices of medium rare juicy flatiron steak you’ve ever seen drizzled in a zingy mustard/horseradish/mayo sauce with two pieces of pita bread with the parmesan cheese toasted into it, a brick of the tastiest avocado, red and green diced peppers, blue cheese, chopped lettuce and bacon salad topped with scrumptious lightly battered golden-brown onion rings.

It was so good it almost made me forget I didn’t start Falcon receiver Roddy White on my fantasy team. Last night he only had as many points as my entire team had last week, 26. Frickin’ CBS fantasy information had him possibly out with an injury.

Hey, I just noticed I haven’t done a rant on the Eagles, Stones or Laurel Canyon/Sunset Blvd, 1967-76 music scene, Tiger Woods, or bad Carmel Valley drivers for a while.

You’re welcome.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Get your stoke from the joke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Sunday’s win over the Arizona Cardinals, Minnesota Vikings QB, Brett Favre threw for a career high 445 yards. Not only does Favre still got it, he’ll take a picture of it and send it to you.

People are still adjusting to the daylight savings time change. For example, at the Dallas practice field, the Cowboys had to get used to sucking one hour later.

Former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is going to run for democratic Minority Leader. Because if you’re anything like me, when you think Minority, you think of a rich 70-year-old white woman from San Francisco.

Former President George W. Bush’s memoir, “Decision Points” is out. The chapter on Iraq is interesting, you jump right in, but then you get frustrated, bogged down and you can’t finish it.

There was an awkward moment in India when President Obama called to meet with India’s top computer expert; Obama was put on hold for forty minutes, then told they couldn’t help him because he had a software problem and then they hung up on him.

A police officer in London is in trouble for working song lyrics into his reports. For example, he got in huge trouble when the Queen returned from a trip and he wrote; “The Bitch is Back.”

Queen Elizabeth is on Facebook. Finally it’s OK for British royalty to poke their relatives.

Charlie Sheen told “Extra” He just had a bad night. In a fancy New York suite with a porn star is a bad night? What’s a good night for Charlie? Locked in a Viagra factory with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders?

In England, women prison guards are in trouble for getting their male prisoners drunk and having sex with them. These women are so ugly, not only do they have to get prisoners drunk to have sex, but some of the prisoners passed in favor of their cellmates. “Nah, I’ll stick with Bubba.”

Since you asked:

What a fun night. Got the DVD “Stand Up Paddle Surfing Hawaiian Style, Volume 2, Advanced”

Oh buddy, for me this was a rock documentary and a submarine war movie rolled into one. Next time I go out I am going to tear it up, and I don’t mean just my forehead. Gonna do cross overs, walk the nose a bit, do some rip backs, thrash turns, hum the curl, lean on the paddle, feather the blade, ride the soup, drop from the lip and say a lot of other terms I truly do not understand.

Or I may just fall, jam my shoulder, get hit in the head with the board, the paddle and have the fin rip a gash in my big stupid head.


Hey little thing let me light your candle ‘cause, momma, I’m sure hard to handle now, yes I am.
At the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre missed practice Wednesday because of his ankle. Favre would like his doctor to look at his ankle, but his doctor is out of town. If only there was some way Favre could send a picture of his swollen joint . . .

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Don't kid yourself, it is tough work to be a cute puppy daaaawwwwg

There are rules here? There are no rules here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The 1-7 Dallas Cowboys fired their coach, Wade Phillips. Let’s review, the Cowboys just over-extended by building an expensive stadium in a bad economy when their team is doing so horribly their leadership had to be replaced. Wow, they really are America’s team.

MSNBC had a clip of a guy driving on a highway while reading a book, reading another book on Kindle and talking on his cell phone. You know the book “Eat, Pray, Love”? He was reading “Read, Drive, Crash.”

Move over, Spencer Pratt, there’s a new schmuck-of-the-year.

The 1-7 Dallas Cowboys fired their coach, Wade Phillips. In football parlance, this is called; “Canning the concierge on the Titanic.”

About his New York meltdown, Charlie Sheen told “Extra” “A guy has a bad night and everybody goes insane and panics.” Calling what Sheen had a bad night is like saying Nancy Pelosi’s face had a tiny bit of work done.

It’s the 115th anniversary of the X-Ray. That means for 114 years doctors in San Francisco have been asking guys; “Is that really a coke bottle?”

A pretty female “Wheel of Fortune” contestant solved a seven word phrase with one letter. I suspect foul play, the phrase was; “Sajak’s in room 700 at the Hyatt.”

Theaters showing “127 Hours” are reporting people are vomiting, passing out and screaming. And here I didn’t even know Charlie Sheen filmed his New York trip.

Guess who joined Facebook? Queen Elizabeth of England. And her daughter-in-law, Camilla Parker Bowles, she joined Horsefacebook.

In an English prison, women prison guards are in trouble for sneaking in booze to persuade the male prisoners to have sex with them. To give you an idea how ugly those women guards were, some of the prisoners turned them down to go eat the English prison food.

There is an uproar in Silverton, CO because a couple handed out condoms on Halloween; to be fair, the couple said they only handed out condoms to trick or treaters dressed as Paris Hilton or Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen told “Extra” He just had a bad night in New York. In fact it was the worst night Charlie has had since that hooker he hired hit him with the old Adam’s apple surprise.

The Dallas Cowboys are 1-7 and fired their coach, Wade Phillips. But worry not Cowboy fans, I can promise you the Super Bowl is coming to the Cowboys. They don’t have a chance in hell of playing in it, but it will be played in Dallas.

Dear Rancid Scumbag who is stealing jokes from this and other comedian’s blogs:

Not only are we on to you, but we, Alan Ray, Jerry Perisho, Janice Hough and Jim Barach, are aware of your blatant larceny, we are chronicling it, and we will gather our evidence to bring you down as the lowlife lying worthless talentless thief and liar you are. Especially if your name rhymes with Cohn Felondez.

Sleep tight and have a nice day, Jack Wagon.

This, of course, does not apply to the wonderful, wonderful people at Giglish and HaLife who give us attribution and great publicity. To you fine folks, thank you, thank you, thank you.

On a different note:

The smell of happiness and success? Coffee brewing in the morning air blended with the hint of Ivory soap and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

The smell of despair and failure? The body-odor, cigarette smoke and hatred wafting off of a New York City cab driver.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

This here what you do when you did what you do

Dat be dah bomb dot com from here to Vietnam, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s the 115th anniversary of the X-Ray. That means for 114 years guys in San Francisco have been saying; “Doc, I swear I have no idea how that got up there.”

In the Minnesota Vikings 27-24 overtime win over the Arizona Cardinals, Brett Favre threw for 446 yards. So not only does Brett still have it, he’ll gladly text message you a picture of it.

At movie theaters screening “127 Hour” there are reports of screaming, vomiting and passing out; it’s like the fans at the Cowboy game.

We had some rain last night, which was good, it washed some of the vomit out of the theaters showing “127 Hours.”

They’re going to make a movie about 50-1 odds Kentucky Derby winner Mine that Bird. They may use the real horse, Mine That Bird to play itself, or they’ll try and get Sarah Jessica Parker.

The New York City marathon was this weekend. It’s like Pamplona’s running of the bulls except with rats.

The New York City marathon was this weekend. It was really exciting, especially when that one Kenyan guy ran past the other Kenyan guy only to be passed at the end by the Ethiopian guy.

The movie “127 Hours” shows a guy who was trapped and had to take drastic steps to survive barely. It’s just like the democrats in the Senate.

The Breeders Cup was this weekend at Churchill Downs in Louisville. The result was a shock, it was won by a Kenyan guy.

The State of New York has approved the sale of 192 proof liquor. So that’s what Charlie Sheen was doing in New York.

The State of New York has approved the sale of 192 proof liquor. To give you an idea how strong 192 proof liquor is, that’s enough booze for Charlie Sheen to trash three hotel suites and lock two porn stars in the bathroom.

Since you asked:
“Conan” off to a good start. Now if they would just hire me as a writer. Or Jay. Great cold-opening video clip rehashing what has happened, with cameos of Jon Hamm and Larry King, including NBC Sonny Corleone’ing Conan at the gate. Beautiful set. Great band. Love Andy Richter. “This Conan mask is very realistic, the inside smells like tears.”

But I do get a hint of a smell of last-chance desperation. On the bright side this is a guy, Conan, who has done some soul-searching and his show will be what he wants. Not like the opening of his first show way back on NBC where Conan got lost trying to figure out what everybody else wanted. He’s been there, he’s done that. It shows.

Had my marathon joke on “TTSWJL” Both shows will be fine. Jay is awesome and bullet proof. He is the Keith Richards of late night talk shows. The only problem might be that Conan’s ardent supporters are more ardent than his viewers. Let’s not forget, Conan got clobbered in the ratings before Leno’s 10 PM show. But now that Conanonian has a network that is glad to have him and will give him fair time, he is going to do great.

To the legions of snotty a-holes who think it makes them cool to hate Leno, I say eff you. You should go to a taping of the show. People go absolutely nuts when he walks out. Jay is funny and familiar as hell.

Personally I hope and think both shows will do fine. Thanks to the magic of DVR I will watch and like both. The way I do it is record Jay and Conesky O’Bonesky and then watch my TV pal, Dave, online.

That’s how the pros do it, I suggest you do the same. At ease, soldier.

Monday, November 08, 2010

La Jolla Shores, scene of Sunday's crime

Yeah, it was like this except the board was closer and the fins were directed at my face

We got the stink and the stank and the drink and the drank on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was hot last week, I was sweating like Lindsay Lohan waiting for her check to rehab to clear.

In the Delaware Senate race, Christine O’Donnell lost badly to Chris Coons; It is ironic that Christine O’Donnell is such an abstinence supporter because, politically, she is totally screwed.

Charlie Sheen is getting a divorce from his third wife, Brook Mueller. They decided they wanted to see other insane people.

Hey, how come all the politicians commercials and automatic phone calls have suddenly stopped? They said they cared about me. I suddenly feel like those politicians only cared about my vote.

The Tennessee Titans picked up controversial Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss. Moss has already caused problems for the Titans, today he held a press conference and announced it was good to be traded from the Vikes to the Tits.

MSNBC had a clip of a guy driving on a highway while reading a book also reading a Kindle and talking on his handheld cell phone. The titles of the two books he was reading? “Being a Douche-bag For Dummies” and “Chicken Soup for the Soulless Moron.”

The Tennessee Titans picked up controversial Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss. Good fit, Moss is such a boob he’ll put the T.I.T. in Titans.

Could you believe how awful those political commercials were? I’m telling you right now, if Flo the Progressive Insurance lady ever runs for office, I am going to kill myself.

Since you asked:
What a great Sunday. A.C. scored a goal and her team had a big win and then I went SUP surfing at La Jolla Shores. Beautiful day, fall blustery, but wind-choppy. Good waves in sets of three 10 minutes apart.

Finally a woman/comedian kayak leader mother-ducking a group of tourists makes a smart-ass comment about stand up paddle boarders having rabies so they have to stay away. Then I make a crack about kayakers screaming at harmless leopard sharks and she laughs. So then I go for a wave and miss it underneath and she gives me some good-natured flack, but now it is on.

With about twenty tourist kayakers watching, I pick a good wave, paddle like crazy, catch it, go left, drop down and I am just about to ride the white water when I get munched. The wave breaks over me, my arm jams on the bottom and I totally wrench my shoulder so I couldn’t get my arms in front of my face and head.

Sure enough I get whacked in the head by the board and the paddle both. When I stand up the board falls back down on me and the fin rips a gash in my forehead. Totally worked. Couldn’t even carry the board out, I had to drag it on the beach by the leash. Head bleeding like heads bleed, shoulder throbbing, arm hanging limply, headache pounding from the growing knot on my head.

Swear it was like the fight scene in "Tommy Boy." (Get my shoulder jammed) Was that a breeze? (Paddle knocks me in the head) Is that all you got? (Board nails me in the head) Am I getting a massage? (Fin rips across my forehead) That was a good one. Klunk.

Luckily it was the end of my session and I was coming in anyway. Turns out the gash is just a bad scratch. Shoulder got a lot better fast. In a couple minutes I could carry the board to the car.

Couple maggies and a carne asada quesadilla later and I am singing a happy tune. Then it was football/nap time on the couch.

But I still hate kayakers.

Excited for the debut of "Conan" on TBS. Or as I like to call him The Cone-bone, the Conester, the Conanolingodingo, the Cone-man, Conan O'Bonesky, Red Bone, Canbonian, (OK, this is getting annoying) the Conanian O'Banian, Cobo, Cobo the hobo, Conaflinkus, (Stop this, please) Consteroramalamashamashhaaaaheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.