Do not shoplift the pooty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The hookers in Times Square are now offering a Miley Cyrus special; for $500, they’ll go from an innocent Hanna Montana to a skanky butt-grinding twerker.

Fox cancelled Kris Jenner’s show “Kris.” This exactly the kind of morale boost our nation needs after reeling from the humiliation of Miley Cyrus’s VMA butt-seizure.

Tough times for the Kardashians. Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom, finally emerges after a reported three day drug binge, Kris Jenner’s talk show, “Kris” cancelled by Fox. Things are so tense, Bruce Jenner’s face could crack again.

Since you asked: 

Now, I will not perjure myself and say I made the best burger ever last night. What I am saying is that I made the best burger I have ever made last night, and, lucky you, here are my secrets.

Remember my burger motto? Treat a hamburger with the tender and unqualified love of a special-needs steak.

Rule 1: Buy ground chuck or sirloin no less than 15-20% fat. Don’t worry, the fat melts off.

Rule 2: Form the patties so the diameter is exactly the same as the bun. They will grill down to the perfect size, a little bit smaller than the bun.

Rule 3: Buy good buns.

Rule 4: Indent the burger on top and then season with salt, pepper, garlic powder and then float a few hits of Worcestershire sauce on top.

Rule 5: Put the patties in the freezer for 30 minutes. Remove right before grilling.

Rule 6: Sear both sides on the hottest part of the grill for two minutes a side. Then turn 90 degrees to the less, but still hot part of the grill. Flipping just three more times, at ten minutes total put on Havarti cheese. One more minute. Grilling time 10 to 11 minutes. Not 12.

Rule 7: Get grill marks on the underside of the buns.

Rule 8: Old school toppings. Thinly sliced tomatoes, even thinner sliced onions, butter lettuce. Spread on goop: mix mayo, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, a little horseradish sauce, spread on both undersides of the buns.

Rule 9: Pour a frosty beer in a mug.

Rule 10: If you ever, ever take the spatula and squeeze down on the burger to flatten it, you must take your big plastic wire grill scraper and hit yourself in the crotch with it five times as hard as you can.

Some of my friends – primarily the ones who do not have dogs – consider us, Virg, AC and me, dog nuts.

We miss trips if we can’t find a dog-sitter. We love Wally like he is a member of the family. In fact, he is a member of the family. Yes, I post too many pictures of Wally on Facebook.

We are not dog nuts. Not that we aren’t eccentric, fanatic and a little crazy about our dogs. We are. It is just that I discovered a whole higher level of insane dog people.

Breeders and dog show people. Good holy high poop-hell, these people are nuts.

Picture Parker Posey’s character, Meg Swan, in “Best in Show” screaming at the hotel staff to find her dog’s toy Busy-Bee, and then wrench her up three more notches.

We visited a 60-ish woman who showed and bred Wheaten Terriers in the Santa Barbara area. Her home was that of a horder of Wheaten Terrier trinkets. Another Wheaten Terrier breeder wanted us to pay the standard fee of $2,000, but we couldn’t, A, pick out the puppy, or, B, name it.

Wrigley’s dad was a big-time show dog named Tucker from Broyhill. When I found out he was in a show at the Del Mar Polo fields, I took Wrigley to see him. They didn’t really hit it off. But the woman who owned Tucker? Crazier than an outhouse rat. They owned a giant Motorhome and employed a trainer and two groomers.

When I saw a cute white lab on a leash I went to pet him and the woman started screaming like I was killing her with an ax;

“Are you an effing idiot? I just had him groomed, you a-hole.”

This is what Miley Cyrus looked like when she was managed by smart people at Disney

This is what Miley Cyrus looks like when she is managed by a really stupid person, herself.

Elk don’t know how many feet a horse have, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was hot today. I was sweating like Miley Cyrus’s agent talking to the “Hannah Montana” people at Disney. 

Everyone is still talking about the over-the-top Miley Cyrus twerking performance during the VMA’s. So much for Hannah Montana, now it is The ‘Ho from Idaho. 

So much for Hannah Montana, now it is Twerk Newark. 

The New York Attorney General is suing Donald Trump for $40 mil. claiming Trump University is a scam; Trump University keeps trying to cover-up the fact that there is really nothing there. They got the idea from Trump’s hair.  

Since you asked:

If you’ve ever wondered how stupid rich celebrities can be, Miley Cyrus answered that with her raunchy VMA act: incredibly stupid.

Not since stupid little former Dixie Chick, Natalie Maines, repeatedly called country music fans – their fans – stupid rednecks has someone so brutally destroyed their golden goose. 

See, Miley Cyrus’s financial fan base is not 10 year-old girls. It is the reluctantly-paying-for-this-silly-crap parents of ten-year-old girls. How do you think they felt about their daughter’s idol masturbating with a foam finger? 

Miley Cyrus was forced on me by my then 9-year-old daughter who was a  huge Hanna Montana fan. Personally, I found Miley way too corny, self-satisfied and moon-faced and horse-mouthed. She is a ham and a shameless Matthew McConaughey S-talker. During a “Tonight Show” short interview via satellite from her concert, she was caught snapping nastily at some lackey. 

And just who are the butt-smooching idiots who told Miley her act was a good idea? Whenever somebody goes out to shock an audience, a big part of the audience wants to tell them to go eff themselves. They’re not being bold or brave, like they are being told they are, they are just being nasty and self-indulgent. From Madonna to Adam Lambert. 

How stupid is Miley? The whole skanky act was a plan to generate a new audience. Like that horrible not-sexy seizure was going to make 20 to 30-year olds think; “Oh, hey, I want to be a Miley Cyrus fan.”

No. If Miley was smart she would try and hang on to her 10-year-old girls. But instead she went out of her way to alienate them. And the parents who buy the posters, tickets, and t-shirts.

Miley’s dad, Billy Ray is a national joke about a one hit wonder with a mullet head, “Achey Breaky Heart.” Fine, but what is Miley Cyrus’s big hit? At least her dad is a one-hit wonder, Miley isn’t even that. 

We only use locally grown, organic, seasonable and sustainable jokes grilled on Santa Barbara oak wood, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York Mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, was involved in a minor car accident in New York; this is what happens when you try and peter-tweet in the street.

A man in Las Vegas, Wesley Warren Jr., has a 132-pound scrotum; that’s like having an entire Justin Bieber between your legs.

Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35-years for leaking military secrets; now he says he wants to live as a woman named Chelsea; maybe its just me, but saying you want to be a woman is not what you announce to the world right before serving a 35-year prison term.

Tennis great, Maria Sharapova, was going to change her name to match her candy line called Sugarpova, but changed her mind. In another wise sports marketing move, Angels star Albert Pujols cancelled his line of hemorrhoid suppositories.

Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35-years for leaking military secrets to Wikipedia; now he says he wants to live out his life as a woman named Chelsea; and that is this week’s story my Uncle Howard will not understand.

Lamar Odom, Mr. Khloe Kardashian, has been missing for three days and the family is worried he’s on a drug binge. Bruce Jenner is furious. Or worried. Or shocked. We can’t really tell.

At the VMA awards, lip-readers are saying, when Harry Styles presented an award, his ex-girlfriend, Taylor Swift, said; “Shut the eff up.” It was bad, Kanye West interrupted Taylor and washed her mouth out with soap.

Let my explain why Fantasy Football now sucks.

Used to be you could get an all-around player, like a Marshall Faulk, Terrell Davis or Emmit Smith, and ride them for a good year. QB’s weren’t taken in the first round.

In my league, I was the first player to take a QB in the first round. Some guy named Payton Manning.

Now if you don’t get Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady and then get a great running back, you’re toast.

Take our league. Some guy got lucky and picked Aaron Rodgers as the first pick. Then, because he had major knee surgery and was out for the first game, the same lucky guy got Adrian Peterson in the third round. Nobody, and I mean nobody, predicted Adrian Peterson would explode for his best season. This lucky idiot who got lucky with Peterson and had the first pick in the draft wins the title.

This is the gospel truth. During our Fantasy draft last year, I told anyone who would listen the Forty Niners were going to get to the Super Bowl. (They did) To back up my talk, I loaded up on Niners, Alex Smith QB, Frank Gore RB and Vernon Davis TE.

There are problems when loading up on one team, the bye week and an off down week. So I also had Michael Turner, Darren Sproles and I picked Nick Novak as a kicker, because I knew the Chargers had so much trouble scoring in the red zone.

Not only that, but when Smith went out with a concussion, who was my backup QB to replace him? Andrew Luck, who exploded for a great second half of the season.

Moves this brilliant should get this team deep into the playoffs, right? No, I finished second to last. The Chargers don’t announce Novak is hurt until afternoon game time. I lose a game because I have no kicker. My team ran into Arian Foster when he exploded. My team scored over 100 points in one game – in our league, 60 usually gets a win – and lost. 

If you don’t have a franchise QB and one or two of the top running backs and receivers, you have no shot. Just making good smart picks and free agent moves don’t matter. With the complex offenses, teams load up on one guy one week, the next week, he don’t see the ball once. (Yes, I know I am talking like a lumber jack) 

The NFL is so up and down, used to be if you lost three games, you're season was in jeopardy, now teams make the playoffs who lose eight. Teams in the Super Bowl the year before lose to last place teams.

And in our league, the only person we knew in common was our beloved Commish. Everyone else was spread all over the country. So no backroom dealings. Just free agents. Boring.

If a guy, running back or receiver, has a great week one week, coaches shut him down the next. Or, as with Manning, he doesn’t go back to the guy the next week. Between that and injuries, luck has gone from a big factor in Fantasy Football to 85%. It basically boils down to when you pick in the first round.