Oh, we so not playin’ now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
An ongoing dilemma
John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon. It wasn’t an easy trip for Kerry, he couldn’t figure out which side of the Grand Canyon to stand on.
How . . . hot is it?
*It’s been hot and muggy in California. It was so hot in Redwood City; people were filing into the Scott Peterson trial just to hear the chilling testimony.
So that’s what they’ve been doing
*Despite worries otherwise, reports from Athens indicate the Olympic construction is complete. At the last minute, they hired the “Blazing Saddles” props crew that slapped-together the fake Rock Ridge town to lure the bad guys.
So that’s how it’s done
*U.S. and Iraqi forces are ready to attack the holy city of Najaf. Don’t there seem to be quite a lot of holy cities in Iraq? What qualifies a city as holy? Easy. Mail in the box tops from a box of Mullah Munchies snack treats and you’re certified as a holy city.
Najaf is a holy city, holy as in hole-in-the-wall.
Can you imagine?
*The FBI says terrorists might try to use taxicabs in future terrorist attacks. Now, I know the FBI is supposed to think outside the box with terrorist, but seriously, how is a Middle Eastern man ever going to get his hands on a taxicab? Why, that’s downright silly.
The FBI also says terrorists might use limousines for future terrorist attacks. That means the safest night of the year will be the night of the Academy Awards; every limo in the country is taken.
The guy’s name is Porter? Oh, that should scare the terrorists away.
*President George W. Bush has nominated Rep. Porter Goss as the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Goss was a C.I.A. agent back in 1960, so at least he’s up to date on the C.I.A.’s most recent security information.
Democrats oppose republican Goss’s nomination as a partisan choice. This is how politics works; if your party is picked, that’s fair, balanced and impartial; if someone from another party is picked, then that’s ugly, partisan, biased and unfair.
This is a tough one. On the one hand, Goss was a successful spy, businessman and congressman and he seems highly qualified to head the C.I.A.; on the other hand, Bush picked him, so who knows?
Now, under the equal time rule
*John Kerry met with a tribe of Navajo Indians. They awarded Kerry an honorary Indian name: Chief Flippity Flop.
Knew that sounded familiar
*In Najaf, the Iraqi insurgents were warned by the coalition forces; “Leave the city, or you will die.” Coincidentally, the phrase “Leave the City or You Will Die” is also on the “Welcome to Newark” sign.
We kid the state where I was born
*In Kentucky, a teacher was charged with having sex with her student. I didn’t know that was illegal in Kentucky. The two must not have been related.
Since you asked:
Denial is an amazing thing. For five years in college track, I denied that my hamstring was torn even though it never, ever, got better day in and day out. Each day, I honestly thought the next day it would be OK. At first that is gutsy, after a month, it is just plain stupid. But for five years? Well, besides beyond any normal definition of stupid, that is the power of denial for you.
It’s the same when you get a cold.
“Ahhhhhhh chew. Uh oh. Is that a cold? Nahh. Allergies. Besides, this air conditioner messes with my sinuses. Nope, definitely not a cold. OK, what is that tightness in my throat? Is that a cold? Not really soreness, just, I don’t know, not right. Nahh. Still not a cold. And this achy feeling? Well, I worked out yesterday. Must have gone at it a little too hard. And this sweat on my forehead? Too much coffee, yep, that’s it.”
That is the hell of being a full-blown hypochondriac. You only imagine you have what you don’t or won’t ever have. If you actually do get something, you deny it.
Stop me if I mentioned this:
After a week off, I am back on my workout routine. Yes, I need to lose 15- 20 pounds, and no, I’m not as young as I used to be, but, all things considered - namely wine and cheeseburgers - I am in pretty good shape.
But I have noticed that when I go for a run recently – usually about 25 to 30 minutes – I go through three distinct phases, each one morphing into their own, separate, personality.
Phase one of the run: This isn’t so bad.
That’s when I morph into Defiance Man:
“Ah ha. Look at me you mere mortals, I am the mutant Defiance Man. I defy mere mortal things like gravity, age, weight, and I run like the wind. Look at me run past these young skinny fools. Ha ha ha!”
Phase two of the run: OK, yes I guess this is pretty bad.
Phase two is when I morph into Darryl Bob, the middle-aged, not-too-bright ex-football jock:
“Well, I'll-tell-ya-what, dag nabber it, I guessed I shouldneh et all them pizza ‘n beers what I done 'et last night, he yuck, yuck, yuck.”
Phase three, the final phase of the run: What the hell was I thinking about?
This is when I morph into Sol, the bitter, old and grumpy Miami Beach retiree:
“Oy vey, I must’ve been meshugeh (crazy) to think I could rrrun. I don’t know from rrrunnink, I svear to god, I don’t know from rrrunnink.”
And that’s how we play, “Alex Should Be Working On His Writing Project Not ‘Effing Around With This”
Check this guy out. He writes for Conan. You can see his jokes here and then hear them on the show.
Man's got mad, sick, crazy comedy writing skilz. (OK, I am even starting to annoy myself with this faux-street-cred-crap)