Saturday, February 13, 2016

My favorite part of Valentine’s Day is when Martha Stewart tells us how she gave heart-shaped cuts to snitches is prison. 

Is it just me, or does Ted Cruz look like the old-timey undertaker pushing the really expensive casket on the poor widow? 

“Trumbo” writer, John McNamara, won a Writer’s Guild Award. Only in Hollywood can a writer writing about a writer win an award for writers from writers. 

I’m not a geneticist, but I am almost positive Ted Cruz is related to the sleazy landlord in the “Godfather II” whom the young Don Corleone scared senseless out of evicting the widow.

Don Henley on CBS Sunday Morning

Federal lawmakers are trying to get the legal blood-alcohol limit lowered from .08 to .05. To put that in perspective, .05 is considered sober, .10 is intoxicated and .15 is “Damn, Adele, why your “Hello” got to be so real and bitch me up like that?” 

“Stars” featured a “40 Most Hated Stars” and all three Kardashian sisters made it. It has to hurt Rob Kardashian to know he does not have enough talent to be hated as a Kardashian. 

If the San Diego Chargers had accepted the Los Angeles Rams' offer, they would have forever been the cousin in the Ska band sleeping on the couch. 

White Castle is accepting reservations for Valentine’s Day. The $100 includes three courses, candles, a table cloth and a towel for the man to wipe off the drink she throws in his face.

Ex-NBA, Ivan Johnson, kicked out of Philippine Basketball Association for life. Side note: there is an opening to be Ivan Johnson’s agent.

Friday, February 12, 2016

New York Mets pitcher, Janrrey Mejia, has been permanently suspended from baseball following his third positive test for Performance Enhancing Drugs in one year. Mets coaches became suspicious when Mejia was hitting spitting out his gum at 100 MPH. 

They became suspicious because Mejia is Spanish for Barry Bonds. 

When asked for a comment, Mejia became angry, denied using PEDs and told reporters they could kiss his two penises. 

A study shows bottlenose dolphins will murder other dolphins. Sometimes a female dolphin will cover for the murderer with a fake alibi, but it’s easy for the cops to flipper. (sorry)

Former Virginia Gov., Jim Gilmore, is suspending his campaign for the republican presidential nomination. In a related story, I will never get back the 25 seconds it took me to write that. 

Valentine’s Day is coming up. It is that exciting time when guys try to pair what wine goes with what food, and Bill Cosby tries to pair what narcotic goes with what cocktail. 

Ted Cruz’s campaign pulled an ad because it starred a porn actress. They hired the porn actress because they thought she could make Ted Cruz easier to swallow. 

Smug AIDs drug profiteer, Martin Shkreli, has offered Kanye West $10 mil. for his new album. In a related story, the Biggest A-Hole in the Universe race just got closer. 

Since you asked:

This Bill Murray-throwing-cell phones at Pebble Beach (good for him) reminds me of one of my favorite stories that just happens to involve Bill Murray.

When I had moved back to California from New York in 1986, I was out at a hip bar in Venice Beach when I saw Bill Murray having drinks with his friends. He was at the top of his “Ghostbusters” fame and people were losing their minds. And the people were so rude, Murray and his pals had to leave. (It never entered my mind to bother him and I knew his younger brother, John, in high school, but more on that later) 

The people who were hassling Murray were not smart enough to figure out that his “Who’s your buddy? Who’s your pal?” “Stripes” persona is a character a great actor plays. Not Murray himself. That night, Murray was just another human being who wanted to spend time with his friends. These drunk idiots want to be “Caddy Shack” “Buddies for life, I think,” with Murray and that is their fault for not being smart enough to understand the difference. It is not Murray’s fault. 

As I mentioned at the top, in 1974/75 in high school at New Trier (nee) East, I was friends with John Murray, Bill’s younger-by-seven-years brother. We were not close friends, but friends. At first John thought I was a mean, dumb jock, and I thought he was one of those too-cool dudes who hung out in the smoking area (yes, my high school had a smoking area) who wore Army jackets and slouched. 

But we had played football together as freshman and we ended up in a literature class sitting next to each other. We hit it off, which is to say we went past friendly acquaintances to friends.

Turns out we both thought the other was hilarious. Later we also teamed up to be in the same drivers-ed car with a psychotic instructor, but that is a whole different story. To this day I tell people that Bill Murray’s brother, John, is just as funny as Bill. 

Thanks to the miracle of Twitter, John and I are in sort-of touch again. 

Back to high school.

One day before class, I saw John reading a letter and laughing. When I asked what it was, he said it was a letter from his brother, Bill, who was out on the road touring the East Coast with an improv cast. Now, in suburban Chicago in 1975, if somebody said somebody was touring with an improv cast, they might as well have said they were in the International Space Station training lab monkeys. And there was no ISS then. 

John gave the letter to me to read. I could not. My handwriting has been compared to a letter to Santa Claus provided the child had some sort of muscular disability. Bill Murray’s handwriting was worse.

John translated. Sadly, I do not remember a specific tale, I just remember us both laughing so much we got in trouble with the teacher, the wonderful Mr. Gahala. (A brilliant teacher who was also funny as hell)

What I do remember vividly - over 40 years later - is that John’s brother Bill had taken the time to write a touching and funny letter to his younger brother, one of his eight brothers and sisters. My brother was serving in the Peace Corp in Morocco at the time and he never wrote me once. And there were just two of us. And I didn’t write him. It never occurred to us to write each other. 

It was on my girlfriend’s bed in college watching a tiny black and white TV in the Spring of 1977 that I put two and two together and figured out the Bill Murray killing it on “Saturday Night Live” was the same guy who wrote that amazing letter to my friend, John.   

That is how I know, beyond question, Bill Murray is a great guy. And if somebody hassles him with taking a picture without asking, and Murray throws their phone away, they’re the asshole, not Bill. 

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Caitlyn Jenner is suing the driver of the Prius she rear-ended in the Malibu car crash. You can’t blame Jenner for trying to cash in, this may be her last chance to nail someone from behind. 

An Australian billionaire is going to build an exact replica of the Titanic. And what could possibly go wrong with a ship named Titanic built in the land down under? 

A new bill in the House would mandate larger plane seats. So maybe Chris Christie will get back in the race.

Adidas will give $1 mil. to whoever breaks the world record in the 40 yard-dash. So far the fastest is Cam Newton’s agent set while backpedaling to explain his client not falling on a fumble. 

The United Arab Emirates proudly announced they have appointed a Minister of Happiness, Ohood Al Roumi. Unfortunately, they found her chewing gum so she’ll be beheaded.

Scientist have succeeded in detecting gravitational waves from the violent merging of two black holes in deep space. How can we thank you, Dr. Kim Kardashian?

Chris Christie has dropped out of the presidential race. In a related story, for the first time, the presidential race can touch its toes. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Kanye West announces new album, T.L.O.P. stands for "The Life of Pablo." And to think I had my money on T.L.O.P. standing for Two Lubed, Obnoxious Pinkies."
Chris Christie has dropped off of the presidential race. “Oh, thank god, my back was killing me,” said the presidential race. 

Is it just me or is Donald Trump that weird kid your mom insisted you invite to your birthday party and then he wins all the prizes? 

Since you asked:

Just found out that, while undergoing hypothermia, there is a real condition called paradoxical undressing. That is when you become so disoriented from the cold, you feel like you have to strip your clothes off. 

Paradoxical Undressing is my new band.  

Led Zeppelin is being sued for stealing the guitar introduction to “Stairway to Heaven.” You know who really wrote it? Amy Schumer.

Many questions surrounding the aging Peyton Manning For example: is he finally going to get an underwear commercial? Depends. 

Chris Christie has dropped out of the presidential race. The presidential race then flies up in the air and lands with a crash. 

Rumor has it, Kim Kardashian has kicked Kanye West out of their house. Wonder if Amber Rose will show Kanye how to sneak in the back door?

Kanye West took to Twitter to proclaim: “Bill Cosby is Innocent.” Clearly Kanye also likes to have his head up his ass. 

In snowy New Hampshire, Jeb Bush threw a snowball at an NBC reporter. On the bright side, Jeb finally made contact with a voter. 

Because of a worsening political climate Somali, pirating may increase. They target oil tankers and the pirates want to sell it to Arrrrrrrco. 

Kanye West has finally named his album T.L.O.P. and we have to figure out what it means. I am going for: Two Lost Obnoxious Pinkies.

A study in Sussex, England, claims horses can read human facial expressions. Horses can tell of you’re happy, sad, and if you’re Camilla Parker Bowles, they say; “Damn, she looks like me.” 
(Thanks, B.S.)

Since you asked:

Did not see Donald Trump winning big in New Hampshire. 

Most telling factor is, during an exit poll, 2 out 3 New Hampshire voters said they agreed with banning Muslims. Clearly New Hampshire is more of a red state than we thought. 

So I think, as much as the press hates to admit it, Trump’s faux tough-guy; “I would bring back a hell of a lot worse than water-boarding” and "Ted Cruz is a pussy" statements got traction with New Hampshire's closet right-wing, anti-government types. 

If Hillary wants to win - and we all know if there is one thing Hillary wants, it is to win - she has to stop chasing the left. Bernie Sanders has won the left. Period. Hillary needs to go almost Trump-like for the middle. That may be too needy and hypocritical even for "lifelong Cubs fan who shamelessly wore a Mets and Yankee hat" Hillary.  

It will be especially tough for Hillary to act tough on terrorism, which the middle and right eat up with a spoon. Hillary has been carrying the "Our biggest worry is Islamophobia" banner of the left for too long. Words cannot explain how little the middle cares about Islamophobia while not agreeing with Trump's banning of all Muslims either. 

And the war on terrorism will be fought by our military. Hillary has secretly despised our military her entire political life. That nasty, nasty secret will catch up to her. 

Oh, and a tragedy called Benghazi. Hillary lied about it, emailed about it on her private email and then deleted those emails. But as far as I know, unlike her haters have accused, Hillary did not email instructions to the terrorists on how to get into the compound. So she has that much going for her. 

On the bright side for Hillary, Carly Fiorina just dropped out and Hillary will pick up those votes. These are voters who only want to vote for a woman, democrat or republican, it does not matter. 

So, again, unless Hillary dives headlong after the middle, her race is over. And I would hate to see her race end. And not just as a comedy writer. Hate her or not, Hillary is a qualified candidate. Those Clintons have more lives, brains and tricks than most. Hillary will need all of them to stay alive.

As the race slogs on and gets uglier and uglier, I have to believe Cruz, Rubio and Bush will have no choice but to sling the mud on Trump that are the endless stories of Trump's lying, cheating and stealing  against fellow republicans in business deals. In short, Trump committing right-wing financial fratricide. 

(How am I not getting paid for these pearls?) 

It bears repeating, Donald Trump is such a world-class douche that he got fired from his own wildly profitable TV show.  He was fired by an industry - called entertainment - that is famous for putting up with anyone who makes money. Even Bill Cosby. 

Donald Trump has to have more ghosts in his closet than Ebenezer Scrooge could imagine. 

Oh, it is a ponderous chain.

Shock Top Wedge: “Hey, TJ, you look like a deranged hipster chipmunk.”

TJ: “You look like The Last of the Mohican Bro' Garnishes.”

STW: “What does T.J. stand for? Talent Jonesing? ” 

TJ: “You do know cocaine is illegal even for wise-ass beer taps?” 

STW: “I like the way your voice makes me feel good about being sober.”

TJ: “Have orange slices not gotten the word wearing sunglasses inside makes you a douche?” 

STW: "Isn't it time to Febreze your beard?" 

TJ: "So what hurt more, getting sliced or having Amber Rose stick you on that beer tap?" 

STW: "Which of your leading men do you have a bigger crush on, Paul Rudd or Ryan Reynolds?" 

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a pussy. It reminds me of John F. Kennedy’s inaugural address when he said; “Ask not what your country can do for you, you pussy.”

Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a pussy. Not exactly the Lincoln-Douglass debate, is it? 

Did Cam Newton have a bad Super Bowl? Did Amber Rose have to wash her hands after a date with Kanye West? 

Since you asked:

When I was a kid there were certain movies and TV shows that took place in magical places. 

“The Adventures of Robin Hood” was in this bright, hilly gorgeous enchanted forrest in England, I assumed. No, it was in Thousand Oaks where the Sherwood Country Club is now. 

The woods where Mingo and Daniel Boone fought off war parties was in my gorgeous birthplace of Kentucky. No, it was Big Bear, outside of Los Angeles. 

John Wayne’s Westerns were filmed in Arizona and Colorado, right? Nope, near Bishop, the last town before you get to Mammoth.

But it was always bright and sunny, just like the weather during Super Bowl 50. 75, dry but florid, with a slight breeze and the whiff of the ocean and an oak fire burning in the distance. Then the sun sets and the temperature drops to a magical sleeping potion.

Thanks to “Requiem of  a Dream,” I never have to watch another depressing movie in my life. Holy crap, this made “Leaving Las Vegas” seem like “The Hangover.” 

Great cast - I am a huge Jennifer Connelly and Jared Leto fan - good writing, and so many wild and quick and cool shots that I am sure make film critics and film majors eyes roll back in their heads. 

But it wasn’t even the kind of depressing that makes you think “Well at least I feel better about my life.” No, this was the kind of depressing that makes you wonder if anything is worth living for. 

Who makes a movie like this and why? 
Adidas is offering $1 mil. for breaking the world record in the 40-yard-dash. That’s easy. Drop a fumble by Cam Newton’s feet, he’ll break the record. 

Did you know that yesterday was “National Working Naked Day”? That makes today National Febreze the office chairs day.

Adidas is offering $1 mil. to any prospect who sets the world record in the 40-yard-dash. That’s easy. Have Johnny Manziel run and put a margarita machine at the finish line. 

Kanye West took to Twitter to proclaim: “Bill Cosby is Innocent.” Not sure Kanye’s input on sexual matters is credible, but I can’t put my fingers on why. 

Spanking Dagmar is my new band, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the disclosure that Cam Newton was hurt in the Super Bowl will happen in four . . . three . . . two . . . 

Did Cam Newton have a bad Super Bowl? Did Amber Rose have to wash her hands after a date with Kanye West? 

A man threw an alligator into a Wendy’s drive-through window. As a result he was named Florida Citizen of the Month. 

Donald Trump quoted an audience member in calling Ted Cruz a pussy. Upon hearing that, the fur on that thing on Trump’s head stood up. 

“Sports Illustrated’s” swimsuit edition is coming soon. With “Playboy” no longer featuring nude women and “Penthouse” not making a magazine, “Sports Illustrated’s” swimsuit edition will send more teenage boys to the bathroom than Taco Bell and Chipotle combined. 

The NFL announced it will ban any prospect from the player combine who are charged with sexual assault, domestic violence or weapons charges. This just in: the NFL has cancelled their player combine.

Budweiser is denying they paid Peyton Manning to say their name during his post-game interview. Although I am not sure. Peyton rode back to the team hotel on a Clydesdale.

Before the Super Bowl, who would have guessed Lady Gaga’s makeup artist would put on a gutsier performance than Cam Newton? But her eyelids did boldly match her sparkly red dress.

Super Bowl viewers were scared by Mountain Dew’s commercial featuring a puppy-monkey-baby. It proves combining three good things doesn’t always work. A lesson I learned the hard way from  my horseradish, maple syrup and caviar ice cream. 

Monday, February 08, 2016

Many Super Bowl viewers said Mountain Dew’s Puppy-Monkey-Baby commercial was scary. Proving that combining three good things does not make something better. A lesson I learned the hard way with my oyster, mustard and chocolate omelette. 

Former President, Bill Clinton, unleashed a scathing attack of Bernie Sanders. Clinton rubbed Sanders rawer than a shag carpet burn on an intern’s knees.  

Last year, Tom Brady gave his Super Bowl MVP truck to the player who won the game for them, safety Malcolm Butler. So is Von Miller giving his truck to Cam Newton or Doritos? 

Since you asked:

Many sports writers are complaining Cam Newton was a sore loser after the Super Bowl. The guy is 26. When I was 26 I was trying to decide whether to use all my remaining money to do the laundry or buy beer. No, I’m lying. I bought beer. 

You can forever count me as a fan of Cam Newton. He won the MVP by a deserved landslide.  He has fun - when he's winning - and he gives balls to little kids. 

But Cam had a crappy game. Yes, the Denver Defense helped him have a crappy game, but 18 of 41 and a passer rating of 55.4 and three awful turnovers, not to mention a fumble he did not try for. And it was horribly lame the way Cam pouted at the press conference and walked out on the press. 

If Cam does not want to look like the endless list of spoiled rotten and entitled celebrities who love getting great tables at restaurants and receiving $200,000 worth of Oscar gift bags, but get a poopy diaper anytime someone takes their picture or asks for an autograph, then he needs some PR work. 

Lex's Post Suprah-rah Bow-rah-lew-rah rants, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After winning the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning kissed Papa John and shilled Budweiser. All he did not do was sing to the tune of the Nationwide jingle: “I am going to Disneyland.”

Cam Newton has been criticized for ending his pouty, post-Super Bowl press conference early. He didn’t end it early. Someone fumbled a football and Cam jumped away. 

To give you and idea how bad a game Carolina Panther, Michael Oher, had, if they remade “Blindside” it would be a horror film. 

You know a Super Bowl was not played well on offense when one of the gutsiest performance came from somebody named Lady. 

Cam Newton is being criticized for not diving for a fumble. Not his fault. In honor of Coldplay's halftime, Cam decided to have a conscience uncoupling of the football. 


Rumor has it that, after Kanye’s Twitter pinky-in-the-butt-feud with his ex, Amber Rose, Kim has kicked Kanye out of the house. No word on if Kanye snuck back in through the backdoor. 

Jeb Bush brought a New Hampshire crowd to its feet by calling Donald Trump a loser. No word yet on if Trump plans to retaliate with the vaunted; “I know you are, but what am I?” defense. 

Since you asked:

Before the Super Bowl, I wanted both Cam Newton and Peyton Manning to have gutsy, brave games and exude a lot of class. But I wanted Peyton to win. 

Only one of those things happened. 

Anyone on the Carolina Panthers can spin it any way they want: Cam Newton was clearly nervous as hell - and who can blame him? What were you doing when you were 26? - but he dove away from that fumble like he dove away from the responsibility of talking to the press afterwards. 

As for the real winners of the Super Bowl, I am not a Coldplay fan, but I am a Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars and Beyonce fan. Nothing has changed. Lady Gaga knocked it out of the park. 

The Denver Bronco defense was amazing. Von Miller deserved the MVP. Nothing else was. Well, maybe Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars and Beyonce, in that order. 

After the Super Bowl, both Cam Newton and Peyton Manning were what they were:  Cam is an exuberant and wildly talented but spoiled 26-year-old brat, and Peyton is a former great player whose body has given out and all he wants to do now is shill products. 

Even his own brother, Eli, could not be happy for Peyton following that performance. 

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Gronk being Gronk is Gronkier than a Gronkified Gronky-thang

Look out, everybody, it's a SUP surfing' dawwwwg

This Super Bowl 50 dropped the Roman Numerals. The only place you’re going to still see Roman Numerals is on Peyton Manning’s birth certificate.