Friday, August 12, 2005

This just in:
In an interview, Jose Conseco’s ex-wife said that, due to steroids, Jose Conseco has “tiny, shriveled testicles.” Jose better be careful, if this stuff keeps up, there’s a chance he might lose some of his dignity.

We gonna mo down the throw down tonightizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, now, it’s not that bad . . .
Doctors in New Hampshire had to call in a locksmith after a man came into the emergency room with his testicles locked in a padlock. Welcome to married life, pal.

Party on, dude
Doctors in New Hampshire had to call in a locksmith after a man came into the emergency room with his testicles locked in a padlock. Or as Ryan Seacrest calls that: Friday night.

Sure sign
In Cambodia, a couple with four kids discovered they are brother and sister. They became suspicious they might be brother and sister because all four kids were born playing banjos.

That explains it
In an interview, Jessica Simpson said her breasts are real; she said they should be real because they were real expensive.

In South Korea, a man played video games for 50 hours straight and then died of a heart attack. Well, it wasn’t really a heart attack, his brain was so fried it forget to tell his heart to beat.

Cracking down
Rafeal Palmiero is already back from his steroid suspension. Wow, that is some tough steroid policy major baseball has. What’s it called? Three Strikes and You Flout?

Since you asked:
Oh yes, oh yes, we gots us another harp gig tonight. Playing with a band called Railheads at the swanky Mira Mesa Inn. Come on by. And by swanky I mean dive bar. My kind of gig. Free booze, and I walk up and play in the third of four sets and take off. No set up, no tear down. Just heroic, you-know-whats-to-the-wall harp whalin’.

Yours truly is jammin’ on the following songs: Stormy Monday, Thrill is Gone, Pride and Joy, Statesborough Blues, Honky Tonk Woman, Roadhouse Blues, Crossroads, Mustang Sally and my patented blatant rip off of Little Walter’s “Juke.”

Chicks will dig us, dudes will want to be us.

Cue: “Beautiful Dreamer”

Thursday, August 11, 2005

This just in:
Doctors in New Hampshire had to call in a locksmith after a man came into the emergency room with his testicles locked in a padlock. I will bet anything this episode began with the phrase;

“OK, fun is fun, guys, seriously, pay up and give me the key.”

We gonna up the drama in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I think I’ve said this before
Apparently Mike Tyson is serious about becoming a porn star. He got the idea from watching Don King make a lot of money screwing people.

Close but not quite
The cabbie that turned in the Tennessee fugitive couple said he didn’t believe their Amway alibi because they weren’t pushy enough to be Amway salesman. In other words, they were annoying enough to be murdering escaped felons, but not nearly annoying enough to be Amway salesmen.

Well, I have
The Seattle Mariners have a pitcher named J.J. Putz. That’s weird, because I’ve always heard that Barry Bonds was the only real Putz in baseball.

First time for everything
In the running debate on evolution President Bush is in favor of intelligent design over Darwinism. It also marks the first issue where President Bush’s name and the word intelligent appear repeatedly.

You heard it here first
The Chicago Cubs have lost eight games in a row realistically taking them out of the Wild Card race. Remember when the Cubs were winning with Manager Dusty Baker? The motto was “In Dusty We Trusty.” Now the motto is “With Dusty We’re Rusty.”

Since you asked:
Very funny and dark comedian David Attell had this bit of advice on his website when people ask for his advice on becoming a stand up comedian:

“Well, if you want to spend your life going from airport to club to strip club to ATM back to strip club and then masturbating in a hotel room, then this is the career for you.” – David Attell

From time to time I get the same question about comedy writing, to which I would like to add:

If slaving away on a piece for many back tightening and brain frying hours until you are positive there isn’t one word in it that isn’t hysterical only to have it roundly rejected by the most self-righteous and humorless people on earth, magazine and newspaper editors, then, sure, a career in comedy writing is perfect for you.

You’ve heard the expression some days you eat the bear, some day the bear eats you? Yesterday I ended up a big ol’ pile of bear doo doo.

Oh well, poor me, right? The important thing is that I ended the day making a ripping pot of Paella that my wife and daughter enjoyed very much. And yes, you just heard a straight male use the term: ripping pot of Paella. Don’t tell my TiVo.

TiVo Update:
OK, you heard me say that my TiVo mistakenly thinks I’m gay because I had to record many “Will and Grace” WGN episodes in case the Cubs go long, and also I have a weakness for the cooking channel? As a result my TiVo Suggestions has been recording a lot of “Days of Our Lives” “Oprah” and other “Sweating to the Oldies” and decorating tip type things.

Well, to throw it back on the straight track, I started recording much guy’s guy type stuff: wrestling, bass fishing, monster truck shows and NASCAR races. Guess what? The combination of all those sports while still concluding I am gay has driven my TiVo to a new conclusion: My TiVo now thinks I am a lesbian. How do I know? Yesterday it taped an L.P.G.A. tournament.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

These just in:
A Halloween catalog features a Princess Leia costume for dogs complete with hair buns; this is perfect for those people who won’t be happy until they turn their pets into big losers as well.

A Halloween catalog features a Princess Leia costume for dogs. The Princess Leah dog costume is called the “And I thought getting Neutered was humiliating” suit.

A Halloween catalog features a “Star Wars” Princess Leia costume, complete with hair buns, for your dog. And yet still we wonder why other nations hate us.

What? Oh, haaaaaiiiiiiiiil no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Say what you want
In Tennessee, a prisoner escaped when his wife shot the officer guarding him; I’ll say this for her: she’s loyal; my wife once called the cops on me when I tore off a mattress tag.

Been a while
He’s fine, but the singer of “Walking in Memphis, Marc Cohn”, was shot in the head by a carjacker; sadly for Cohn, this shot represents the only hit he’s been involved with since “Walking in Memphis.”

Who’d a thunk it?
Two of the Michael Jackson jurors said they think Jackson is guilty and plan to sell a book about it. Let’s review. These clowns voted to free a man they believed to be a pedophile, now they want to cash in on that with a book. These two idiots did the impossible: make OJ jurors look good.

Uh, no, Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush signed a $286.4 billion dollar road bill even though President Bush admitted he wasn’t an expert on the road bill. It was awkward when Bush said, “As everyone knows in college, I wasn’t exactly a road scholar.”

In that case . . .
A study at Tulane U. reports that women who dress provocatively and flirt and act sexy do not do better at work; unless, of course, their work is prostitution.

Sad sign
They are coming out with mega M&M’s that are fifty five percent bigger; how fat and lazy have we become when people want to consume more M&Ms but can’t go to the bother of simply eating more of them? “Don’t get up and get more, we’ll make the M&M’s bigger.”

Pillsbury has launched Dunkables: cinnamon roles you dunk in liquid frosting. This is for those rugged, athletic, do-it-your-self types who want to put on the frosting themselves.

For those less active, you can get a mechanical Dunkables lever that dunks the rolls for you.

Pillsbury has launched Dunkables: cinnamon roles you dunk in liquid frosting. It comes with a coupon for 20% off that long stick with a sponge you’re gonna need for someone to bathe you.

She’s shaking in her knickers
Paris Hilton is writing a book. So much for Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling getting any sleep.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

This just in;
Jose Canseco is selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. Pride and credibility not included.

Oh, I see, you want ‘tude? Ahh’ite. You got a dude with a ‘tude up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
Hockey all-time great legend Wayne Gretzky has been named the coach of the NHL ‘ s Phoenix Coyotes. That’s amazing. I can’t believe that. There actually is an NHL hockey team in Phoenix?

On the bright side
In Cambodia, a husband and wife with four kids have now discovered they are brother and sister. The good news? Today they were named honorary citizens of West Virginia.

They’re short, I say
The movie “The Dukes of Hazard” is number one at the box office. Have you seen it? If Jessica Simpson’s shorts were any shorter they’d be a belt.

Contrary wise
Critics feel that “The Dukes of Hazard” is an unsubtle and snotty Hollywood inside joke at the red states. When asked to respond to that charge, one moviegoer said; “Insulting and culturally stereotyping the movie may be, nonetheless, that Jessica Simpson sure enough is purty lookin’.”

Quite a change
Bill Clinton has said he is joining the fight against obesity whereas, before, he would just offer obesity a cigar.

The times they are a changin’
Do you know that 30% of children today are overweight? Ten years ago our biggest fear for children was too much crack, now it is fear of too much butt crack.

Could be something to that
Declining television ratings indicate that Tiger Woods’s popularity is ebbing. Some marketing experts feel Tiger’s declining fan base is because it’s hard to cheer for a young billionaire married to a Swedish bikini model who plays golf looking like he is about to undergo a colonoscopy.

Why? Why so mean?
Rosie O’Donnell is joining the cast of “Fiddler on the Roof” Rosie will be playing the part of the roof.

More ‘tude from the dude
Martha Stewart had her house arrest extended by three weeks because she violated her parole by attending a Yoga class. Now instead of doing the downward dog, Martha is doing the homebound bitch.

Like us Cubs fans can talk
The Discovery landed without incident. Did you know that, during the space shuttle’s descent, it doesn’t have any power? It just plummets to the earth and lands over twenty seven times faster than a commercial jetliner. They got the idea from watching the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Since you asked:
Following the month long Festivus that was her seventh birthday celebration, Ann Caroline is currently at a camp at an Animal Center. They trot out all kinds of animals for the kids: pigs, llamas, sheep, turtles, rabbits, birds, monkeys, snakes, you name it. So yesterday morning I asked her if she would try remember the names of the different animals she saw for me. (We are paying for critters, so I want to know what type of critters we’re getting for the buck)

When I picked her up in the afternoon I asked her if she remembered the name of the differant animals. Ann Caroline said;

“Sure. Let’s see, there was Bubba, Doris, Scooter, Tweety, Magoo, Snacks, Bubbles and Dewey."

Top Ten Things It Would Be Cool To Hear Sam Elliot Say:

10: “Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.”

9: “Whoa partner. Is that a six shooter or are you just glad to see me?”

8: “Meat. It’s what’s causing heart attacks.”

7: “Some feel the overuse of alliteration in Shakespeare’s sonnets is self-indulgent.”

6: “Bite me.”

5: “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

4: “Damn this horse stinks to high heaven.”

3: “That Tom Cruise is whackier than an outhouse rat.”

2: “Martha Stewart? I hit that but good.”

And the final thing it would be cool to hear Sam Elliot say:


And now all the good people here would like to introduce a new feature at a.l.b.B. we like to call:

Lex's Limited Experience with “Hollywood”

As my existence in the entertainment industry is at the fringe at best, I have, however, had enough experiences to make some conclusions. One thing about Hollywood and the players I’ve met is that the ass-smooching is either one of two things: It’s either way too much or not nearly enough.

Whether they are doormen, valets, waiters, stars or television executives, the default mode in Hollywood is always; “What can this person do to advance my career?” The answer to that is either a lot or nothing at all. If it is nothing at all, as it usually is in my case, you can actually witness these people mentally murdering you right on the spot. That’s better than if they think you can do a lot for their career, then it is shameless and uncomfortable tookus toking.

However, I cannot lie, the few times I was mistaken as somebody who could help a Hollywood career, every now and again, a serious dose of buttock bussing is kinda cool. Kinda cool.

What is the one and the only badge of honor in Hollywood? Your parking spot. Forget money, fame, power, your home address, or your car, you can judge your worth in Hollywood by how good your parking spot is.

Why do you think “Get Shorty” ended with a shot of Chili Palmer’s studio parking spot?

Tookus toking? Buttocks bussing? What the . . .?

Monday, August 08, 2005

A rrrrriiiiooot ish und ugly zing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tricky flick
“The Dukes of Hazard” opened this weekend; or as President Bush calls “The Dukes of Hazard:” “A real brain teaser.”

That time already?
The baseball season is heating up to see who makes the playoffs. This is the time of year the players need to double the amount of steroids they don’t know they’re taking.

You hear me?
Rafael Palmeiro continues to insist he did not knowingly use steroids and said angrily to the press; “Anyone who says I knew I took steroids can kiss my grotesquely shrunken testicles.”

Apology to Lloyd Benson
Excerpts from the transcripts of Marilyn Monroe analysis revealed Marilyn had many one night stands including a bad one night stand with actress Joan Crawford. Apparently Marilyn knew John F. Kennedy, she slept with John F. Kennedy and Joan Crawford was no John F. Kennedy.

Try this
The company Google is looking internationally to hire two executive chefs. Gosh, I wonder how they are going to find two chefs? Hmm. They could place an ad. Or they could look in the personals. Or, how about if they, oh, I don’t know, try and Google the word chef?

The company Google is looking internationally to hire two executive chefs. How embarrassing is that for the biggest search engine Google that they can’t find two chefs? Hell, blindfolded, Kirstie Alley could find two chefs in a minute.

No easy task
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is tired of Kevin Federline spending her money and she wants him to get a job. A shocked Kevin Federline said; “I’m a male dancer, having sex with a woman is my job.”

Until then
Anna Nicole Smith said she wants to see a private screening of Colin Ferrill’s sex tape. Until Ferrill agrees, however, Anna Nicole will just have to be happy watching Colin screw his career in “Alexander.”

This week a man successfully finished a long-distance swim across all five of the Great Lakes, despite water temperatures in the low-40s. It was so cold, his testicles were more shriveled than Rafael Palmeiro’s.

Since you asked:
Every now and then, we, the public, get a clear view as to the steaming arrogance of many famous people, and a glimpse into just how little regard they have for our collective opinions and intelligence.

Bill Clinton’s “What is the definition of is?” is a great example. Tom Cruise’s jumping the couch is a beauty. But I think the best in a long time has to be Rafael PalMEiro’s angry testimony under oath to Congress absolutely incensed that someone would accuse him of using steroids, then, what does that silly boy go and do? He tests positive for steroids.

Now, one would think that would be a crushing blow to anyone’s ego, no matter how huge, and that it would result in an embarrassed conciliatory apology.

Not quite.

What does PalMEiro say? Despite the red-handed – or in this case, red cheeked - positive test, he publicly said he didn’t know he was taking steroids. Has Raffy been eating off of Barry Bonds’s plate?

Here is my question for Bonds, McGuire and PalMEiro: are they really that stupid or do they think we are all that stupid?

As I’ve said before, Maury Povich’s father, Shirley Povich, was a famous international journalist for the Washington Post among others. He covered stories all over the world but covered sports also because he loved sports. He said the ego of the average major league baseball player was only rivaled by dictators of mid-sized to large South American nations.

How else can you explain guys who cheat and then deny that they cheated, then, after they get caught lying and cheating, claim they didn’t know that they were cheating, and if all of that isn’t enough, they become indignant that someone would accuse them of knowingly cheating in the first place?

Give Jason Giambi credit. At least he admitted he cheated. And, now that Giambi is knocking them out of the park again, it will be interesting to see if he admits cheating again when they finally nail him with the brand new undetectable latest designer steroid he is currently using.