No, thanks for asking, but this isn't me. But it could be me if I were Laird Hamilton instead of me.

British Petroleum announced they have sheared the pipe at the leak and they are going to put a cap on it. They just thought of this now? That’s like going through twenty pairs of pants before trying on a pair of Depends.

Some comedian somewhere - sorry, I can't remember who it was - joked that we should try and stop the Gulf leak with Donald Trump's hair. Not a bad idea, the letters in British Petroleum actually spell out:

Be their oils Trump.

President George W. Bush is on Twitter. It was a little awkward, when informed a Twitter post can have 140 characters, Bush said; “Wow, that’s a lot. My cabinet only had 15 characters, but those folks were nuts.”

A Seattle man shot himself in the testicles when the gun in his pants misfired. They were shopping at a Lowe’s home improvement store, so clearly the bullet hit his wife’s purse where his testicles were located at the time.

On Twitter, Paris Hilton scolded us to do more for the environment. This is the same woman who got dumped by her rich boyfriend for running up a $1mil on his private jet company tab. Apropos of nothing, anyone know how you hire a hit man?

Here the CEO of BP announces their plan to order a giant plunger from Acme

British Petroleum is starting to make Wile E. Coyote look like a genius.


Since you asked;

In honor of the Stanley Cup game, I am making Lex's Blackhawk Hanguhburs. In a nod to Hackneys, the ground beef is sirloin and lots of Worcestershire sauce in the meat and the burgers will be topped with melted cheddar cheese, tomatoes, fried onions with bacon bits mixed in. Tossed salad of American blend lettuce with Ranch dressing and cheddar cheese BOB IS you uncle.

'Dey be so good I'll be whistled for being off sides . . . oh, snap, a hamburger/hockey reference, no I di' . . .'nt.

So you still think my 1968 Laurel Canyon drugs/sex scene connection to Charles Manson is crazy, conspiracy theory stuff?

How about the fact recently deceased Dennis Hopper - a charter member in that crowd, he patterned his character in “Easy Rider” after David Crosby - used to repeatedly visit Manson in prison. Hopper even pitched making a movie about Manson’s influence on that crowd and the music and movies. Sort of “Shampoo” but the dark side. A movie the rest of Hollywood did not want made for obvious reasons.

You can’t just visit somebody in a maximum security prison, especially the most famous prisoner in the world. The prisoner has to put you on a visitors list, and they only get a limited amount. It is limited to family and close friends. Hopper and Manson were obviously close friends.

Again, Susan Atkins, one of the convicted Manson family murderers, nickname was first Sadie Mae Glutz, because she had such a hick accent. Then it got shortened to Sexie Sadie because she was such a famous sexual freak.

The Beatles, frequent party goers in Laurel Canyon, titled a song “Sexie Sadie”. That song came out in 1968. After the Manson murders, the Beatles denied it was named for Susan Atkins.

So would I.

This just in: back surgeons discovered the cause of U2's Bono's back injury to be due to bending over to try and find what he's been looking for.

If you're a guy who is in the military and interested in staying in the military, don't ask anyone about "Sex and the City 2' and don't tell anyone you've already seen it.

A 13-year-old California boy became the youngest person to summit Mt. Everest. Wow, when I was 13, my proudest accomplishment was asking for and buying a "Playboy" at the Pharmacy.

This is the debut album cover for my new band: The Snoring Puppies

Sadly, Al and Tipper Gore are splitting. It didn't help the marriage that her idea of going green was to sleep with the gardener.

Not to go into sordid details, but let's just say Al wasn't exactly melting Tipper's polar caps.

Since you asked:

Had an emotionally cleansing tear-jerker this Memorial Day weekend watching "Taking Chance." Flies in the face of the theory people are no good. Great under-the-radar subdued performances by Kevin Bacon and my buddy Ron's brother, Tom Wopat.

Used to love Memorial Day as a kid. It really signaled Summer was here. Mom used to serve powdered donuts and lemonade and coffee to the parade watchers as it marched down my Elm street. Didn't stop to think this was one of three gut-wrenching days for those who lost loved ones in battle. Also their birthday and the day they passed. Hard to fathom.

Top Military officials think repeal of "Don't ask, don't tell" was too hasty. Would prefer a transition to "Don't gossip, and stop being so snarky for Pete's sake, you silly."


Since you asked:

Whatever you do, do not waste a minute watching "Valentines Day." Oh my word, despite the amazing star power, it is the broke-ass American cousin to "Love, Actually." It is vapid, banal and a cliche and many other bisexual-sounding words I don't fully understand, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Oh, and is there some SAG rule that only Queen Latifah can play the sassy big black woman in every single Dramady? Or is it Dromance?