Stanford is playing USC. Quite a disparity in USC-Stanford trash talking. USC is all, “Dude, you’re mom’s nasty.” And Stanford is, “Athletic protagonist. Your matriarch is nefarious.” 

After 31-year-old Lena Dunham tweeted she’s hot for baseball players, creepy 54-year-old Lenny Dykstra hit on her. Lena could not comment as she was busy taking a Silkwood shower.

A French soccer team just realized it has been playing with their name misspelled on their jerseys for four games. Turns out, in French, Douche Bag is spelled Sac Douche.

It turns out the Viking warrior buried in Sweden with full honors was a woman. For now they’re calling her Yane Doe.

Now we have Hurricanes Irma, Jose and Katia. And two lesser, more lethargic hurricanes, Eric and Donald Jr.

A French soccer team just realized it has been playing with their name wrong on their jerseys for four games. But once they took the name Cleveland Browns off, they started winning. 

Overly Excited Tourist Goes Nuts In Seattle

A study shows three drinks a night decreases your chances of old age dementia by 100%. And masturbating five times a week decreases your chances of prostate cancer. But doing both at the same time greatly increases your chances of getting tossed out of Hooters.



Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, who was suspended for six games for beating a woman three times, is going to play the entire season. Ezekiel is an old Dutch word that means: Roethlisberger.

Look at that nasty bad hippopotamus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Kansas City Chiefs upset the New England Patriots, 42-27. Antonio Cromartie was so shocked, he fell off the woman he was impregnating.

To give you an idea how bad Hurricane Irma is, if Antonio Cromartie was in Florida during Irma, he could not get a woman pregnant.

Fraud-convicted Aids-drug-gouger, Martin Shkreli, could go to jail for offering $5,000 to anyone who pulls Hillary Clinton’s hair. Shkreli is called “The most hated man in America.” And that is something when we have O.J. Simpson, Charlie Manson and Bernie Madoff.

NFL player, Antonio Cromartie, had his 14th child, his third since his vasectomy. Cromartie couldn’t pull out of a wireless contract. 

A French soccer team just realized it has been playing with their name misspelled on their jerseys for four games. You would have thought they would have noticed Montpellier was spelled Hoboken.

A New York sports radio host, Craig Carton, has been arrested for bilking millions from investors. The New York Mets are not involved because, 25 games out, the Mets cannot get arrested as a baseball team.




Adidas has made a shoe for Octoberfest that has a protective “DBPR” coating which stands for "Durable Beer and Puke Repellent.” The only other shoe that requires a puke coating is LaVar Ball’s shoe when people vomit at the $495 price tag.

(Thank you O'Snake) 

Since you asked:

Recent loss aside…

The New England Patriots, with Brady, Belichick and Kraft, are the best trio of quarterback, coach and owner since Montana, Walsh and DeBartolo Jr. of the San Francisco Forty Niners. Without all three there is no dynasty. Steelers’ Bradshaw, Noll and Rooney right up there. Packers’ Star, Lombardi and the fan’s ownership. Seattle’s Wilson, Carroll and Allen damn good, but not quite there.  

This is why Chargers, even with a winner QB in Rivers, can forget about a Super Bowl. Their owner, Dean Spanos, to quote Judge Smales in “Caddy Shack,” su-su-su-su-su-sucks.

Did you see Roger Goodell get booed at New England? Michael Vick got a better reception at the Westminster Dog Show.

0 replies0 retweets0 likes

Wally put the smooch in Mount Scaramooch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Amigos De Las Americas)

HBO announced the show “Veep,” will end after its 8th season. It simply got too difficult for the writers to try and create anything more absurd than what was really going on in the White House.

****

Congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton, they’re expecting a third child. No word on the sex, but they have ruled out some of the lesser name options: Limey O’Snaggletooth, Leftside McDriver, Chimney O’Sweep, Bigears Babalouie. 

****

Madonna complained on Twitter FedEx would not deliver her packages because they did not believe she was Madonna. Madonna especially wanted the foot-long package that was humming and vibrating. 

In their defense, FedEx said it did not expect Madonna to be wearing a “Make America Great Again” red hat and an “I’d Hit That Scaramucci” t-shirt.

****

It was a year ago Amber Rose announced she had her first threesome. And they are just now letting her back into the West Hollywood Ikea.

****

Kourtney Kardashian’s ex, Scott Disick, was arrested in August and put an involuntary psychiatric hold. Between Disick, Lamar Odom, Kanye and Caitlyn, guys, if you get with a Kardashian, you’re either going to lose your mind or your junk. 

****

The aftermath of Hurricane Irma is going to be bad. In addition to flooding, your VCR flashes 12:00, your house smells like Pine Sol and there is a $5 check for your birthday. 

****
Ex-NFL player, Antonio Cromartie, has just welcomed his 14th child into the world, his fourth since his vasectomy. So even though he was cut by the Colts, Cromartie will still probably play for the Colts because cutting Cromartie doesn’t do a damn thing.

****

Here are some last-minute suggestions for Fantasy Football team names: 

Cosby’s Happy Hour

Gronk’s Kardashian Side-Piece

Ezekiel’s Wife-Beater T-Shirt

Multi-Millionaire’s Incessant Whining

Brady’s Invisible Concussion

Since you a skewed;

Like my dear, old grandpappy used to say, before he was dead, 

“A thang is a thang is a thang. Either a thang is a thang or it’s not a thang. So if it is a thang, it’s a thang.” 

P.S. It’s your thang. Do what you wanna do.

“Don’t you hate it when you’re eating a carrot and a little carrot shard gets sucked up into the nasal hole in the roof of your mouth? You try to ignore it, but it tickles in a bad about-to-sneeze way, so you finally give one huge brain-rattling reverse snore-snort and it flies out. But then it lands in the back of your throat making you gag and then cough until it finally flies out of your mouth. Don’t you hate that?” 

“Your honor, I simply do not see what that has to do with my client’s lawsuit?” 

Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang

Salt Bae Meme Original

                Full grilling chubbage has been achieved.

"Hey, Kombucha, powder your clam, you’re dancing next, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers"


****
Madonna took to Twitter to complain FedEx would not deliver her packages because they did not believe she was Madonna. They thought she was Steven Tyler.

Apparently, FedEx did not think Madonna looked anything like a virgin. 

****

The San Diego Padres are 33 games out of first. Why? An unwritten rule in baseball is slumping players sleep with an unattractive woman - or slump-buster - to break out of the slump. The only unattractive women in San Diego just moved to Los Angeles. 

Thanks again, Spanos family. 

****

Here are some last-minute suggestions for Fantasy Football team names: 

Covfefe Scaramucci

Kardashian Side Pieces

Ezekiel’s Bail

Brady’s Air Valve

Serena’s Baby Daddy

Osteen’s Pass Key

Usher’s Seven-Year Itch



Gronk McGronkface



****
The US soccer team pulled out a tie against Honduras, 1-1, to keep their World Cup hopes alive. They say a tie is like kissing your sister, but this tie was so big it was almost Cersei and Jaime Lannister-like.


****
Happy 55th birthday to Chris Christie. Christie celebrated by taking his family to the Bayonne Olive Garden and closing it after they got there.

This is the picture of a life well-lived and honored. Good job, Hunter

L.A. Charger QB, Phillip Rivers, will commute to practices from San Diego in a chauffeured luxury van. Charger owner, Dean Spanos, will continue to fly on his ice dragon. 




Taylor Swift has her album billboard directly across from Kylie Jenner’s “Life of Kylie” "E" show billboard on Santa Monica Blvd. It is the biggest controversy on Santa Monica Blvd since Hugh Grant went looking for $50 love.

That is shocking. Kylie Jenner has a show?





Hurricane Irma is like a normal hurricane except after, it smells like Pine Sol and everything in your bathroom is covered in crochet cozies.




It is tricky when exploring military options against North Korea. For example, when you consider blasting them back to the 19th century and then you realize they’re already there.





Congratulations to Prince William and Kate, they are expecting their third child. No word on the baby’s sex or name, but they have ruled out some name possibilities:

Toothy McToothface

Covfefe Scaramucci

Hurricane Harvey Wallbanger

Lord PoopsANappy

Brexit Jong Un

Not Uncle Harry’s

Britishy McFishanchips. 

Theon’s Johnson

Since you asked:

Near as I can tell, about once or twice a month, my blog, for reasons I do not know, appears as the screen saver on a Russian cell phone provider. 

Anyone got any ideas how I can wrassle me some Rushkie rubbles and coinskies out of this?

Pageviews by Countries  Entry Pageviews Russia 720 United States 473 Canada 91 Germany 10 United Kingdom 9 Ukraine 9 China 6 Romania 6 Australia 5 India 5

Folks, this is why we do not need to worry about being attacked by North Korea. Like the middle of the Nevada desert, there is nothing there. 

Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes

Don't know much ( with lyrics ) - Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville.

Corny? Yes. Sappy? Probably. Dated? Might be. Still gets me in the gets me.

All the boys think she's a spy, she's got Betty Davis eyes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy 5th Birthday to Walter Payton Kaseberg. A.k.a. Sir Walter, Waller the Baller, Goose, Smooch-hound, the Big Weasel, Cuddle-Bunny and Kachooks. 

It is hot in Los Angeles. People are sweating like Joel Osteen wrestling with his conscience.

Tampa Bay Buccaneer QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, has been on 7 teams. That’s more teams than Khloe Kardashian has been on. 

In Las Vegas, Usher - the accused in four herpes lawsuits - hosted a pool party at the Venetian. Oddly enough, nobody wanted to go in the pool. 

It was hot in Los Angeles. People were sweating like four-times-herpes-accused, Usher, invited them into a hot tub.

It has been over a year, and they have still not found the culprit who bit off the finger of a San Francisco bartender. Police got lots of tips on suspects who were fingered, but they weren’t able to knuckle-down an arrest, so they’re still stumped.

Kendall Jenner named “Fashion Icon of the Decade.” “Well deserved,” said “Vogue.” “Congratulations,” said, “Cosmopolitan.” “Is that the flat, tall skinny one or the short one who has had all the Michael Jackson-like work done?” Asked everyone else.

The L.A. Chargers are ready for their new NFL role. The rest of the league is the Harlem Globetrotters and they’re the Washington Generals. 

Here is my blog's audience today, Dos vedanya: 

Pageviews by Countries  Entry Pageviews Russia 548 United States 479 Canada 96 Germany 10 Ukraine 7 China 6 Romania 6 United Kingdom 5 Indonesia 4 South Korea 4