A little safety tip for my wonderful Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This put the owe in Meow
Last week there were two separate mountain lion attacks on Orange County mountain bikers, one very serious the other fatal. Now, I am not a fitness expert, but I am willing to bet that getting killed by a mountain lion could be seriously detrimental to your aerobic capacity.

(Like I needed another excuse not to go mountain bike riding.) Statistics indicate that your chances of getting attacked by a mountain lion decrease immensely if you sit on your couch and watch football games.

So, when people ask you what you did this weekend, a good answer is; “I did not get killed by a mountain lion.”

That is one more advantage of my workouts, if I do happen to get hurt by a mountain lion, I can sue the ass off of my health club for letting it near my stationary bike.

But that could very well be just one man's opinion, oh my. (Polite applause)

Rollin’ wit’ da Homies, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Not by a long shot
The front page of the Saturday Los Angeles Times featured an article on Black Iraqi Muslims exploring their African roots since Saddam Hussein departure. Incidentally, the title Black Iraqi Muslim is not likely one to get you invited to Rush Limbaugh’s weekly poker game.

Sticky wicket, what?
I caught a television interview with Christina Aguilera. Now, I don’t want to imply that Christina is a full-blown annoying pretentious diva, but she’s about one “jolly-good chap” away from affecting Madonna’s phony British accent.

Say what you will about Britney Spears and her antics, at least she ain’t got no fake British accent, y’all.


A step up
*Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf was heckled by lawmakers in his first-ever speech to Parliament. Asked to comment on the heckling, Musharraf said, although unpleasant, it was a big improvement over people trying to blow him up.

Musharraf responded to the heckling by shooting back; “Hey, do I come to where you work and tell you how to pour a slurpy? Back off, Apu.”

Call Dave
*You can tell it was cold back east. In New York, a lot of cab drivers installed portable heaters in their turbans.

A no no
*Another person got fired by Donald Trump on “The Apprentice.” You could tell this person was in trouble when he got drunk and told the press that the T in Trump is silent.


The big Wiesy
*14-year-old Michelle Wie beat 48 pro male golfers and missed the cut at the Sony Open by only one stroke. Across the country, millions of morons are now thinking; “Well, no wonder I am bad at golf; it is clearly a sport geared for little girlie-girls and I am far too burly and brawny a man.”

Minus the swinging tire
*It was a beautiful weekend. I was going to throw the football around my backyard, but I was afraid my neighbors would think I was on Levitra. Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .

Saw this one coming
*Could you believe Michael Jackson’s performance at court? He was dancing, smiling, shaking hands, jumping on top of a bus and waving; it’s obvious the guy feels like a kid again.

Pete’s odds
Pete Rose might be learning his lesson after all; he has a lot bet on football this weekend, but not money: if Indianapolis loses, Pete has to wear a tutu and tiara stand in Times Square and sing Shania Twain’s “I feel like a woman.”

Now that’s shaking
It’s finally warming up back east. For a while folks in Boston were shaking like the Red Sox were in the playoffs instead of the Patriots.

Oh yeah, we bangin’ the jokes now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just want you to know I am not the least bit proud of this one
*Michael Jackson got yelled at by the judge for being 20 minutes late to court. Jackson explained he drove up from L.A. and was late because he couldn’t get off the 10. Or was he 9?

A big help
*President Bush said he wants us to go to Mars. Bush thinks it would be a big help in discovering a cure for that nasty illness that was going around Asia, the Mars virus.

A show of respect
*President Bush placed a wreath on the Atlanta grave of Martin Luther King. Bush said he was honored to do it, it’s important to respect all British Royalty, living or not.

The straight critics are raving. All three of them.
*Showtime’s “The L-Word” debuts Sunday night. “The L-Word” is a sexy lesbian version of “Sex in the City.” Supposedly it’s good. Roger Ebert gave it two palms up.

“The L-Word” is good, I give it five knuckles, I mean, five stars.

Amazing
*On Tuesday, the Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator, Greg Robinson, resigned. I am shocked, I am amazed. I cannot believe the Kansas City Chiefs had a defensive coordinator.

Really?
*You won’t believe what the Mars rover discovered today. Get this: the Mars rover accidentally fell into an old Saddam Hussein spider hole.

The Donald’s duck
*Did you know that “The Apprentice” star and near-billionaire Donald Trump –the year after September 11th -- only gave $287,000 to charity in 2002? Trump spends more than that on hair spray.

Trump only gave $287,000 to charity in 2002. Trump spends more than that grooming just one of his eyebrows.

Have you seen “The Apprentice”? What is the deal with Donald Trump’s expression? The scowl? Trump always looks like he is in the middle of an usually uncomfortable prostate exam.

Hee heeeee
*Did you see the picture of Michael Jackson arriving at court today? Since when did he start wearing Marilyn Quayle’s old wig?

When Michael Jackson arrived at court, he got yelled at by the judge for being late and also for ripping off Laura Petrie’s flipped-end hairdo.

Somebody on they way for a right good jolly- stompin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A little bit of perspective
13-year-old surfer Bethany Hamilton competed and placed in a surfing contest just ten weeks after getting her arm bitten off by a great white shark. Think of this and remember that 6.2, 260 lb San Diego Chargers tight end David Boston once took time off to let his pierced nipples heal.

Bear down
The Chicago Bears have hired Lovie Smith as their head coach. In terms of discipline, it will be interesting to see how the players respond to a coach with the same name as “Gilligan’s Island’s” Mrs. Thurston J. Howell III.

One can only imagine how former Bears Mike Ditka, Doug Buffone and Dick Butkus would have responded to a coach named Loooooovieeeee, ewwwww.

How cold is it? (Get the drums ready)
*It is so cold in New York, the hookers are so frigid they remind Bill Clinton of Hillary.

It was so cold in New York, in Times Square, a New Yorker told a tourist to; “G-g-g-go screw y-y-y-yours-s-self.”

It was so cold in New York, in Times Square a New Yorker actually hugged a tourist for warmth.

It is so cold in New York, Yankee fans are huddled around owner George Stienbrenner just for the hot air.

It was so cold in New York, Donald Trump’s comb-over froze and snapped off.

Frozen Lakers
*Man it is cold back east. People in New York are shaking like the L.A. Laker’s team doctor.

With Shaq, Kobe and Karl Malone all injured, the Los Angeles Lakers are stretched thinner than Donald Trump’s comb-over.

A new show
*The Donald Trump show “The Apprentice” is doing well. In fact, there may be a spin-off of the “The Apprentice.” It will star Donald Trump’s hair.

Fuggaddaboutit, Tony
*New Jersey became the first state to legalize human clones. When asked to comment, one New Jersey man replied; “Yo, who you callin’a clone over here, huh Bozo?”

Something to see
*Did you see the pictures from Mars? Nothing but red sand and rocks as far as you can see until the first Starbucks.

Just that
Did you see the pictures from Mars? There was so much sand and rock the only thing missing was a “Las Vegas One Hundred Miles” sign.

OK, we got the Starbucks thing, Lex
President Bush said he wants to put a man on Mars. It makes sense. Somebody has to man the espresso machine at the Starbucks.

Something special in the air, like his middle finger
*American Airlines plans to meet with labor leaders this month to discuss ways of improving customer service. Their first suggestion is that pilots should make sure their hands are manicured and clean before they flip people off.

In Brazil, an American Airlines pilot was fined nearly $13,000 when he flipped-off the security camera after landing at the airport. In his defense, the pilot said he was grumpy because he hadn’t had a drink in over an hour.

Smooth move
Nellie, P. Diddy and Kid Rock have been added to the Super Bowl halftime show. This is actually a security move. With Nellie, P. Diddy and Kid Rock’s fans there, terrorists would be too afraid to try anything.

The Donald Trump show “The Apprentice” is doing well. In fact, there may be a spin-off of the “The Apprentice.” It will star Donald Trump’s hair.

Would somebody please explain to me the differance between Non-fat milk and Fat-free milk? I wasted a good two hours at the grocery store on that one.

I can't post links, because I have the computer savvy of the missing link. But copy and paste this on your internet browser:

http://www.february-7.com/features/conan.htm

or this:

http://www.harvard-magazine.com/archive/00ja/ja00.conan.html

This may be the funniest thing ever written along with David Sadaris' Esquire feature on his brother the Rooster.

We gonna hook you up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Out of control
*Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have broken off their engagement. Calista was reportedly so despondent she went on an eating binge and finished off both crackers in a packet.

Good, ah?
*Canadian companies will now be able to bid on the second round of contracts to rebuild Iraq. This is good news for all of those Iraqi hockey players waiting around for skating rinks.

“I’ll (hic) raise you.”
*Did anyone catch “The Celebrity Poker Showdown,” in Las Vegas on Bravo? The celebrities are allowed to drink during the game. I don’t want to imply that actor Paul Rudd had too much to drink, but after the game he married Britney Spears.

Actor Paul Rudd had so much to drink during “The Celebrity Poker Showdown,” he had to call Pete Rose to find out how to bet.

Actress/Comedian Sarah Silverman had so much to drink during “The Celebrity Poker Showdown” she asked Joe Namath to kiss her.

During “Celebrity Poker Showdown” the contestants lie, bluff, drink and throw money around. In other words, they pretend they’re U.S. congressmen.

Pity
*The show “Frasier” has been cancelled. That stinks. Now we won’t know which Crane brother, Niles or Frasier, will go completely bald first.

Finally
*President Bush has announced plans to give green cards to illegal immigrants who are willing to work at jobs we refuse to take. Jobs we find abhorrent, the illegal immigrants will take. So it looks like Larry King might get that prostate exam after all.

Jackson jinx
*La Toya Jackson broke her toe making a dance video. Things are not going well for the Jackson family in general. Just yesterday, Tito had car troubles; the Dominoes Pizza sign fell off of his Pinto.

Poor La Toya, and after she worked so hard to get that infomercial for The Arthur Murray Dance school. .

Oh, yahhhh, I heard dat from Mildred, donchyahknow . . .
*Reportedly people all over the state of Wisconsin are still very upset over the Green Bay Packer’s last Sunday sudden loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Some Wisconsinites were so despondent they tried to hang themselves with string cheese.

How much does she hate it?
Martha Stewart’s trial starts this month. Martha once told Barbara Walters; “The last place I would ever want to go is prison.” And she was including Wal Mart, so you know she hates prison.


Ugly, ugly, ugly
Senator Ted Kenned slammed President Bush saying the war in Iraq was for political reasons. When asked if he cared to comment on Kennedy’s statement right now, Bush declined saying he’d drive off that bridge when he came to it.

Can you feel the lovizzle up in this hizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Go Rush, go Rush, it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday
*It was Rush Limbaugh’s birthday yesterday. He celebrated by playing Pin-the-tale-on-the-Maid.

For a present, Donovan McNabb sent Rush a case of Campbell’s new Chunky Crow soup.

Bad plan
Kansas City Chiefs defensive co-ordinator Greg Robinson resigned after an embarrassing playoff loss to Indianapolis. In retrospect, Robinson said it may not have been his best plan to base his defense on strategies employed by the French and Iraqi armies.


Fuggetaboutit
*New Jersey became the first state to legalize human cloning. This is bad news for those Jersey mafia guys. “Yo, I just whacked that guy, now there’s another one? Maddon’, I gotta do it again.”

Ouch
*Kobe Bryant injured his shoulder last night. Doctors described it as alibi-stretched-tendonitis.

Nice fit
*In his book, Pete Rose admits he used to date cocktail waitresses, groupies, and strippers. Today Rose was nominated for induction into the Bill Clinton library.

Doctor my eyes
*Pitcher Roger Clemens is joining the Houston Astros. After a career of throwing at batters in the designated-hitter-American League, Clemens will now have to face pitchers. Pitchers will have to be extra careful not to doctor the ball with their drool.

Especially the seafood buffet
*Rosie O’Donnell is offering an all lesbian cruise to the Bahamas. One thing about a Rosie O’Donnell cruise, you know the all-you-can-eat-buffet is going to be well-stocked.

Don’t ask me
*Kid Rock turns 33 Saturday. At some point soon he will have to change his name to Who-Are-You-Trying to Kid? Rock.

Thoughtful
*Michael Jackson has moved out of Neverland Ranch and is now leasing a Beverley Hills mansion. If you’re looking for a house-warming present for Michael, you can’t go wrong with a gift certificate to the Beverly Hills Chucky Cheese.

We getting’ our freak on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And who can blame them?
The U.S. is becoming frustrated with the Shiite Muslim religious leaders in Iraq. Why, just yesterday, a State Department official could be heard saying; “Holy Shiite, Iraq is a mess.”

Makes more sense
*The Pentagon has declared Saddam Hussein a P.O.W. P.O.W. doesn’t stand for Prisoner of war, no, in Saddam’s case P.O.W. stands for Pathetic Oily Weasel.

Is it just me?
*NBC has a new hit that features a bunch of mogul wannabes who vie to work for Donald Trump. It’s called “The Apprentice.” Is anyone else like me or am I the only one that, every time I see Donald Trump, the words “Pompous Schmuck” pop into my head?

Pretty please
*Good news. Homeland security secretary Tom Ridge has lowered our threat level from orange to yellow. Maybe I’m just a romantic optimist, but I’m hoping that, on Valentines Day, Ridge moves us to level Pink.

Mass debaters
*During the debate, Al Sharpton forced Howard Dean to acknowledge that no blacks served in his cabinet during his 12 years as Governor of Vermont. Of course, that might have something to do with the fact that there aren’t any black people in the entire state of Vermont.

Not one black person in the Vermont cabinet? What a shocker. Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that there are no Eskimo surfing champions.

Fine whine
*Did you see the democratic debate? Man, there was a lot of whining. There was more whining at that debate than during an Eighth grade math quiz.

There was a lot of whining during the Democratic debates. There hasn’t been that much whining since the Beverly Hills Starbucks ran out of non-fat milk.

That democratic debate made people proud to say that they are registered Independents.

Are you ready for some football?
*Man there was a lot of great NFL football over the weekend. There was so much great football Fox and CBS'a phone lines were clogged with San Diego Charger fans asking; “Exactly what sport are those guys playing right now?”

So sad
*After a great run Green Bay Packers had a brutal loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. There is nothing quite sadder than the sight of a grown man softly weeping while wearing a block of cheese on his head.

So funny
Did you happen to catch newly-retired Titans kicker Gary Anderson when New England blocked his field goal? Anderson scrambled for safety during the scuffle for the loose ball. He looked like the one guy in the Western movie bar fights who is trying to crawl to safety under the tables.

I’m pretty certain it was that wild pile-up for his blocked kick that convinced Anderson to retire.

That good
How good has Payton Manning and his Indianapolis Colts offense been lately? In each of their last two games, the Colt’s punter was arrested for loitering on the sideline.

There hasn’t been someone who has been paid to do nothing more than the Colts punter since Gray Davis was recalled.

That’s just mean
To be honest, I think it’s kind of cruel the way the San Diego Chargers brass has been treating Drew Brees. They keep calling him and playing the song “Eli’s Coming” into the phone.

Name appropriate
The Oakland Raiders offered their head coaching job to Pittsburgh’s Mike Mularkey and he turned them down., It’s too bad, because Mularkay has the perfect name to deal with owner Al Davis.

Nee haw
Did you know that Country Music Television ranked Hank Williams’ “Are you ready for some football?”as the second best moment in country music? The greatest country music moment was when somebody discovered you get a noise when you blow into an empty moonshine jug.

(Just kidding the Country Music fans, we know they can take it. Now, the Rap fans . . . )


Great literature
Don't know about you Slats and Nuggies, but I cannot put down Pete Rose: My Prison without Bars" Some juicy stuff in there. Did you know that Pete does not, in fact, dye his hair orange? No, Clairol calls it Burnt Sienna.

And remember Reds owner Marge Schott? Well, let's just say she was one of Rose's more memorable hits, if you know what I mean . . .

(Just try and get that visual burned out of your mind's eye)